I rush to the compartment I share with Finnick, waiting until the door has slammed shut behind me before I break down. I collapse on my bed, sobbing.
It's not fair! I never should have spoken about my feelings for her at the interview with Caesar Flickerman before our first Games! If I hadn't, I would be dead, but it would have been worth it, because she wouldn't have gone through what she did. There is no doubt in my mind that she would have won both Games on her own, because she easily could have. I know that Snow would have left her alone if she'd been a single victor, and not a rebel victor, both of which would've occurred if I'd just kept my mouth shut. I got us into this, and now...
I sit up, looking around. I see my book and my canvas. I reach for the book and open it. My eyes fill with fresh tears as I take in the paintings on every page. All Katniss. By herself, with her bow and arrow, with Prim, with her mother, with Haymitch...
With me.
I fling the book aside, sobbing my heart out. It's not fair! She shouldn't be hurting like this! I stand and begin pacing back and forth around the compartment.
Suddenly, I turn and punch the wall as hard as I can, just as the door opens.
"OW! Son of a-" I suck in a breath through my teeth as I fall back onto my bed, clutching my hand and wincing.
Gentle hands are on mine then. I look up.
Prim stands there, examining my hand. She glances up at me with a sad smile.
"I'm fine," I mutter, trying to pull away.
"Peeta, I think you broke your hand. It needs to be looked at."
"Prim, I said I'm fine," I say, standing.
"Peeta Mellark, you sit back down and let me look at your hand, or I will hurt you!" she snaps.
This surprises-and sort of amuses-me, because Prim is the least violent person I know. She's tiny, nowhere near large enough to hurt me. She won't even kill a spider. But because I am so shocked at her outburst, I sit without protest, and she goes back to examining me.
"She needs you, Peeta," she says quietly, without looking up. "You shouldn't have left her."
"She told me to leave!" I protest.
"Peeta, for such a smart guy, who loves her as much as you do, you're really stupid," she says.
Wait, what? Why is she talking like this? She's never said anything like this before. She's the sweetest girl I know.
"Then please, enlighten me," I say irritably. Okay, that wasn't right. I didn't mean to say that, especially not with the mean edge in my voice. Now I feel bad for snapping at her when she's only trying to help me.
"Peeta, when Katniss says she wants to be left alone, she's in pain and is trying to hide it. She wants to be by herself so that she doesn't break down in front of someone. Especially not you, because she doesn't want to lose you. But no matter how much she wants solitude, she needs someone. She needs you, Peeta," Prim says. "Don't abandon her. Especially when she's going through such a difficult scenario."
"What do I do?" I ask.
"Go to her. Just... Tell her that you'll be there for her. Don't leave, even if she asks you to, because then she'll doubt you when you promise that you'll stay."
I nodded. "Do you know how any of the others are doing? Annie, Johanna...?"
"They're in the hospital. As far as I know, they'll make a full recovery."
I nodded. "My hand?"
"Just bruised."
"I'm gonna go see her. Are you coming?" I ask.
"No, I'm going to find my mother. She's obviously upset," Prim says. "And Peeta?" she asks as I head for the door.
I turn back. "Yeah?"
"Tell her I love her."
I smiled. "I will."
I head back down to the hospital, back to Katniss' room.
She's lying on her side, facing away from the door. I move closer, walking quietly in case she's asleep.
I see that her eyes are open, even though she doesnt see me. A tear rolls down onto her pillow.
My heart breaks as I walk to her side. She looks at me then, and the look in her eyes is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen. It's a haunted, dead look, full of misery and despair.
Haymitch is right. The Capitol broke her.
But I force my own feelings down. I can deal with those later; right now, she needs me to be strong.
"Hey," I say, sitting down in a chair at her side.
"Why are you here?" she croaks.
"Because you are," I say.
"Peeta, don't do this to yourself. I wanted you to leave because I don't want you to sit here and waste your life on me." She averts her eyes.
"Katniss, look at me," I say softly.
She does as I ask, and I see that her eyes have fresh tears in them.
"Katness, I want you to listen to me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay with you until you're out of the hospital. I don't care how long it takes. And what you just told me was a lie. I talked to Prim. She told me how your mind works when you're like this. I know that you don't want me to see you like this. You'd prefer to just hole up by yourself, so no one would see you like this. So that I wouldn't see you like this. But Katniss... I'm here, and I'm not going to leave you. I'm going to be here for you to lean on as you heal. You can trust me."
She closes her eyes and nods. "It's just... I know that it'll be easier if you know, because the I'll have someone who knows what they did to me. But Peeta... I'm scared. I don't want to go through it all again."
I clutch her hand as she begins to cry. "Katniss, I understand," I tell her. "I'm not going to force you to tell me. If and when you ever want to talk about it, you can tell me."
She sniffled and nodded, sitting up straight. "I'm gonna do it now. Get it over with. And I need you for this. I need you to sit with me and hold me and tell me that it's not real, because I'll have flashbacks; I know it."
I move to stretch out beside her in the bed, taking her into my arms. She snuggles closer and begins.
"Okay. So... First, they obviously captured me. I was trying to get back to you. Johanna jumped me and cut out my tracker, and then Brutus and Enobaria ran past me. I remember that I went back to find you, and was about to shoot Finnick, and then I saw Beetee. He tried to put the knife with the wire in the force field to blow it up when the lightning hit. He was unconscious, so I shot an arrow with wire into the force field's chink. It blew, and then it was so bright. I remember a claw grabbing me... Strange faces, strange noises..." She begins to tremble.
I hold her close, kissing her forehead. "It's all right, sweetheart."
She nods, taking a deep breath.
"Do you want to stop?" I ask gently.
She shakes her head. "I can't," she says. "I have to keep going."
"All right. Take your time," I say, rubbing her back.
She takes a few deep breaths and continues. "I woke up in a strange room. I was in a hospital bed, restrained like I was after the Games our first year. They kept me sedated so I couldn't fight, couldn't resist. After about a week, I was healed, and they took me to the dungeon of Snow's mansion, with Johanna and Annie. And then... Then they hurt me."
She begins to shake harder. I kiss her forehead. "It's all right, sweetheart, it's all right. You can stop. You don't have to tell me."
"Yes I do," she says, her voice trembling. "They put me in this tiny cell. It was cold...dark... Then Snow came in with a few men. They poured water on me and shocked me until I couldn't move... They dumped me into a vat of water and covered the top... They covered my head with plastic until I passed out... They burned me with a hot iron... They constantly beat me..."
"Oh, Katniss," I breathe, feeling tears come to my eyes. She is crying now, burying her face in my chest. I kiss her forehead again, and pull her closer.
She shakes her head. "I could handle that. But what got to me-really got to me-was the jabberjay."
"Oh, God. Katniss."
"The jabberjay was a voice, screaming. Your voice screaming. It was outside my cell, where I couldn't see it. All that time, I thought they really had you. I didn't believe the doctors when they told me you'd been here all along. I didn't believe them until you came in."
"Katniss, it wasn't real. I'm here, you're here, we're safe. They can't hurt you anymore."
"No, it wasn't that. It was the fact that they were hurting you-or making me think they were. You were screaming, begging for them to stop... It killed me, Peeta. It killed me to know-think-that they were hurting you like that."
She breaks down, sobbing.
I crush her to my chest, shaking in anger. How could they do this to her? I think. How could they be so sick and twisted? So monstrous?
She clutches at me, still sobbing, and I vow to myself that I'm going to help her get through the weeks to come.