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Time to meet the parents, let's wish Emily luck...
Jennifer Jareau never thought she had felt more nervous than she did tonight. In her mind she had never been in such a situation before which caused her to be so worried, so nervous about the outcome. She was generally such a poised woman, she kept herself together, she was known for being organised but tonight she was crumbling. Tonight she could feel her heart beating in her chest harder than ever before. Tonight her parents, the two people who had brought her up, who had done everything in their power to bring her into a safe, secure world, the two people who had raised her perfectly were going to meet the love of her life. Mr and Mrs Jareau were going to meet Emily Prentiss. JJ studied her reflection. She had done everything in her power to ensure that tonight went off without a hitch. Her parents had offered to come over and take the couple out for dinner and Jennifer knew she couldn't find any excuse not to. Despite having been dating officially for nearly 6 months the Jareau's hadn't met Emily and JJ knew that was her fault. Her Mother, despite taking a while to get used to the idea, suggested meeting Emily but JJ never found the right time. She always found a reason to cancel or decline the offer. Having bought an apartment with the brunette and knowing that they were definitely in it for the long haul Jennifer had finally agreed to her Mother's suggestion and now here she was. She stood, still staring at her reflection in the mirror, studying every inch of her body, I need to look perfect, this needs to go off without a hitch, they need to love her as much as I do, JJ told herself. I don't know what I'll do if they don't like her, they're my family but she's my girlfriend, she's who I want to spend my life with.
Emily Prentiss was outside the bedroom doing some secret pacing. She knew how her girlfriend wanted this to go...perfect, but it did not stop the whole pre-meeting nerves. She had decided to pace, making sure JJ did not see her, to think and compartmentalise. She needed to compose herself, to be the calm one, the yin to JJ's yang. The brunette was not going to pretend that it hurt a little that her girlfriend had managed to delay this so tactfully. Irrational thoughts, well she hoped they were irrational, swept through her mind. Is Jennifer ashamed of me? Why has she been hiding me? Are her parents going to hate me? Is that why she has been putting this off? She closed her eyes, kept pacing but took deep breaths beginning the compartmentalising ritual. When the worry and stress, and hurt, had been looked away she opened her eyes again walking past their bedroom. Glancing in she saw the blonde looking at herself in the mirror. She did not need to use her profiling skills to see that JJ was nervous and panicking a little. Her profiling skills screamed at her to look at her girlfriend's posture and stance to prove this, but she ignored it knowing no-one wanted to be profiled. She simply needs to be the one that knew her girlfriend inside out. The brunette walked into the room, stood behind JJ and wrapped her arms around her waist. Resting her head on her shoulder, she looked at her in the mirror. "It will be ok. I will be right by your side the whole time. We will do this together." Emily placed a light, calming kiss to her neck. "I love you." She knew she did not say it often, but tonight she would consciously make an exception to that rule.
Feeling the brunette's presence behind her made her tense slightly. JJ had been lost in her thoughts, she knew what Emily must be thinking and feeling but things were difficult, complicated and she didn't want to have a conversation about it. Turning around in Emily's arms she looked up at her girlfriend, worry evident in her eyes. "Em, I know what you must be thinking..."
The profiler put her head on JJ's shoulder and kissed it. Realistically it was so she could grimace at her girlfriend's words in private. Clearly I need strong walls for tonight, she thought to herself. She really did not want to have this conversation before they went out. She wanted, no needed to forget about all that part and focus on the dinner. Placing even thicker walls to mask her feelings, JJ always had a way of cracking them a little; she placed another kiss on her shoulder and looked up smiling. "You look beautiful. Have you fed Sergio yet? I think he needs feeding." She knew this would probably fail, but she needed time to build her walls.
JJ shrugged out of Emily's arms and walked over to her dresser, her back to the brunette. "Em, don't change the subject, you know I hate it when you do that." She picked up her clutch bag and rooted through it, making sure she had everything she needed it was only a matter of time before they had to leave.
Why can she never see that I want to let it go? Emily sighs. "I'm not avoiding, cause there is nothing to avoid. I just suddenly remembered, you know he claws the furniture when he gets upset. We are meeting the parents, everyone gets worried about that. So I understand that you are worried." She turns herself around and reaches to look at her phone. She finds a text from Morgan. 'Good luck princess. x' She uses the welcome distraction, focusing on texting him.
As Emily spoke she felt herself grow more and more frustrated. Emily had no idea how she was feeling, she thought she did but she didn't. It all lead to her underlying issues which she didn't wish to talk to Emily about, she didn't think she needed to, she just imagined her girlfriend would comfort her and deal with it not pretend to understand. JJ picked up her clutch bag and headed for the door, who's avoiding now. "We're going to be late." She muttered fleeing the room as quickly as she could.
When JJ left the room, Emily could breathe again. She knew this was not going to be good. She knew they were both keeping things from each other. Part of her was tempted to bail; JJ had bailed from this meeting enough times herself. Morgan had already jokingly texted about going for a drink after the dinner together if she needed one. Maybe she would. But deep down she never could do that to her girlfriend. Despite the fact that they could not even stay in the same room together, this was a big moment which made it all so much worse. Shit! Shit! Shit!
"Mom," Jennifer Jareau approached the table and looked at her Mother and Father sat beside one another. She took a deep breath and smiled widely, the smile failing to reach her eyes.
"Jennifer," Mrs Jareau stood from her seat and walked around the table towards her daughter. "It is so good to see you." She engulfed her daughter in a hug and pulled back after a moment.
"It's good to see you too, Mom." JJ relished in the feeling of her Mom holding her, she couldn't even remember the last time she had seen her parents or been home, she had tried to avoid going home at all costs. "Dad," The blonde looked towards her Father who had followed her Mother's lead and stood to greet her.
"Hey Kiddo." The older man wrapped his daughter in a bear like hug.
JJ felt tears prick at her eyes as she held onto the man she looked up to tightly. She felt horrible for not visiting, for not seeing or speaking to her parents more often than she did. She blamed it on work but really that was just an excuse and Jennifer Jareau knew it. Pulling back from her Dad she suddenly remembered where she was. Swallowing the lump in her throat and forcing away the tears she turned to look at Emily. Taking her girlfriends hand she looked at her parents. "Mom, Dad, this is Emily." She smiled softly.
Emily took a breath, put a smile on her face and stepped forward. She extended her hand to JJ's father, her parent's etiquette training pouring through her actions. "Mr and Mrs Jareau..." She shook his hand firmly with confidence in a very business-like manner and then extended her hand to her girlfriend's mom. "It is very nice to meet you. Thank you for inviting me to dine with you." She did not dare look at the blonde; she just needed to get through this in one piece and leave. She did not need to be reminded of the awkwardness between them.
"Let's all sit then shall we?" JJ suggested with a fake smile. She proceeded to sit in the chair opposite her mother and immediately met her gaze. "So, Mom, how have you been? You look good."
"I have been fine darling, you know me, always fine." Mrs Jareau commented.
Just like me, always fine, exactly what everyone in the Jareau family claims but which is never even remotely true,the blonde thought to herself.
"How are the two of you getting along in your new apartment?" Mr Jareau looked between the women as he said this, his question clearly directed to the both of them together.
Emily internally cringes at this question. We were getting along great. Amazing sex. Romance. Perfect...well it was but now we can't even look at each other and can't be in the same room. Oh god I hope that's not a sign! "Wonderfully well, thank you Mr Jareau." Emily beams. "I couldn't ask for it any better." Her heart clenched at that very untrue statement.
"Definitely, Emily said it all really," JJ couldn't believe she was sat here, lying to her parents. Up until now it had been working out perfectly, JJ loved living with Emily. She loved waking up to her in the morning and going to bed with her each and every night. She loved knowing they were coming home to their home. "I love living with Emily." JJ felt her lips curl into yet another fake smile. Inside she wanted to cry. So much had become evident tonight, so much they were hiding from one another and so much that was killing JJ inside. JJ distracted herself by picking up the menu and beginning to flick through to decide what she wanted to eat. "I think I'm going to have the pasta," JJ quickly changed the subject, smiling at her mother and father quickly before looking down at the menu again. I wish I could just look at her, I wish things could just be forgotten. JJ was breaking inside.
The brunette felt like she was dying inside, how on earth she survived like this before was beyond her. "Good choice," Emily looks between JJ's parents. "My mother says this establishment serves exquisite food." This was true in a passing, polite comment a while ago, but that made it sound like they were close. She rarely spoke to her mother. The voice of her mother sounded loud and clearly in her head now, 'always give a gift'. In her families eyes that meant expensive and classy. But she had not got anything. She turned in her seat and signalled a waiter. The profiler decided to buy the table, JJ's parents, the most expensive bottle of wine they had. A wine that would compliment their food. Of course making sure they charged it to the Prentiss account. Being the daughter of an Ambassador, there were accounts everywhere. "Una bottiglia del vostro vino più costoso che complimentarmi con i nostri pasti, per favore. Metterla sul disegno di legge Prentiss." The waiter nodded and disappeared off. Emily turned back around in her seat.
Emily's outburst caused JJ to raise an eyebrow and turn to look at her girlfriend in surprise. Where the hell did that come from? JJ could see her parents thinking exactly the same as her. JJ leant towards her girlfriend, placing her hand on her arm she looked at her. "Em, what was that?" She whispered with a raised eyebrow.
The brunette whispered back. JJ's hand on her arm was an odd feeling. Usually it brought reassurance and love, and it did, just with all the tension she could not help feeling a little uncomfortable by it. "Just a little Italian. I ordered some wine for the table," Emily shrugged nonchalantly.
JJ felt herself grit her teeth together as Emily spoke. Choosing to ignore Emily now JJ pulled away from her and turned back to her parents. "Let's order shall we?"
More than an hour later the couple and JJ's parents had finished their food. JJ couldn't help but feel that this whole evening had been a disaster. Before the couple had even left the apartment they had begun fighting and it left an awkward tension between the two of them. Inside JJ's heart was breaking, she was sat beside the woman she loved and opposite her parents trying to show them why she loved this woman so much when right at this moment part of her was wondering if she even did as much as she thought she did. She came here to show Emily off when in actual fact she wanted to scream at her to leave and to hide her away. As the plates were cleared away JJ slowly stood, "Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom." She gripped onto her clutch bag as if for support and a fake smile later she was gone.
Emily watched JJ walk away, under her walls her heart was screaming at her but she was determined not to listen. JJ's parents seemed like perfectly reasonable people. They were kind and caring and loved her daughter. She could see where JJ got her good looks, beautiful personality, kind heart and all those attributes she had fallen head over heels in love with. She could not ignore the nagging voice at the back of her head, Why had JJ not wanted her to meet them? Maybe she really was ashamed of her? Or didn't love her enough for that step until it was almost compulsory as they were living together. She was also jealous, her whole life she wished she had had a family like JJ's, a loving family. Something she would never experience with her own. Brought out of her thoughts she realised the table had gone silent. "Please let me tell you how wonderfully you raised your daughter. She is a testimony to both of you." Emily smiled. It was fake, but something she had perfected over the years.
Mr Jareau watched Emily carefully; when she had finished speaking he pulled his napkin from his lap and threw it onto the table. "Miss Prentiss," He started, his eyes narrowing and his anger thick in his voice. "If you knew anything about my daughter, which you claim you do, you would be aware of the fact she is in the bathroom now crying!" The last word was almost yelled, the anger in Mr Jareau's voice was clearly evident. "I only need to take one guess that YOU are the reason for that." Mr Jareau stopped, his wife's hand now clutching his arm, a sign to tell him to calm down.
Emily's heart stopped as soon as she hears her name. Her profiling skills could read every bit of his body language. He was angry; mad; furious. She had ruined this though her stupidity. Her walls were cracking through a sudden fear that this could be the end. JJ would not choose between them, she would not ask her to. She would go; happily if she thought for a moment being with her would cause a family rift. It was ok for the brunette; she did not really feel like she had a family. But she knew JJ's family was everything to her and she had ruined that. She was conflicted, while listening to him shout at her. Fear took over. She was split just like the walls that divided her. Part of her wanted to cry, to apologise, to explain, to leave if that was best. The other half was not there, was taking his words and bouncing them away. The other half was numb, the trained Prentiss always polite, no emotions, do not cause a scene, apologise in the vaguest manor and try and distract. Sadly that one won. "Sir, I apologise, we got into an understanding before we arrived. I assure you I love your daughter with my whole heart." Even Emily knew she now sounded like a robot. No emotion. No feeling. Nothing. She was just numb. The brunette felt herself sinking, she felt lost, but she needed a distraction. As desperation took hold, she was about to say her phone was going but she saw JJ return out the corner of her eye.
As JJ approached the table once again, this time with puffy red eyes, Mr Jareau sent a glare to Emily.
"Sorry about that." JJ pulled out her chair and sat down, "I'm not feeling too great," She lied, she felt fine, she just couldn't deal with this anymore. She looked at her parents and felt her heart break. She had brought Emily here to meet her parents because she intended for Emily to be a part of their family, maybe it was wishful thinking. "Mom, Dad," She looked between her parents, "I really would prefer to get home now, as I said I'm not feeling too great. Since you're staying I will come and meet you at the hotel tomorrow, maybe we could go for lunch?" She purposefully only invited herself.
"That will be lovely, kiddo." Mr Jareau stood and walked around to his daughter. He helped her out of the chair and pulled her into a hug. "You go home and get some sleep, your Mother and I will see you tomorrow."
JJ nodded, she smiled sadly at her Mother before turning to Emily. "Em, can we go please?"
Emily barely reacted. "Of course. Goodbye Mr and Mrs Jareau. Thank you for the dinner." At that she nodded her head as a gesture and walked towards the exit. Not really any point trying anymore, she thought to herself as she exited into the night to wait for JJ.
The car ride home was done in complete silence. The blonde just concentrating on the road ahead, while the brunette just stared out the window.
Entering their flat was just as uncomfortable. Both walked into their bedroom without a second glance at each other. Emily felt her walls coming down as soon as she stepped through the front door. She could feel the pain and past events catching up with her. She knew she was in the doghouse, she knew she was also hurt, heartbroken and terrified. She could not deal with sharing a bed with JJ. She did not want to. She walked forward grabbed her pillows off the bed, a blanket and marched out the room to sleep on the couch. But not before dumping her stuff on the new couch on her way to the drinks cabinet. The profiler poured herself a huge glass of Scotch and downed it in one. Instantly refilling her glass for another.
As soon as the blonde stepped through the door she'd wished she hadn't. You could cut the tension within the flat with a knife. JJ had started to wish she had gone back to the hotel with her parents instead of coming home with Emily, it hardly felt like their home when they weren't even speaking. JJ stood motionless beside her dresser pretending not to notice as Emily grabbed her things and left the room. She placed her clutch bag down on her dresser, took off her jewellery and slipped out of her dress. She fished some sweats and an old shirt from her dresser and pulled the items on. She could hear the brunette in the living room not even trying to keep the noise down. JJ took a deep breath, I'm not going to let her embarrass me like that, I won't let her get away with it. In a few strides JJ was stood at the living room door staring in at her girlfriend. "What the fuck is your problem?" JJ yelled as she bombarded her way into the room.
The Scotch hit Emily hard, considering she had already had wine, it burned in her throat. But it was helping numb her pain. She knew JJ would not be able to just go to bed. She knew there would be a fight. It was the way JJ worked. She needed to talk things out. Emily personally preferred to bury them. That is ultimately why usually they complimented each other both drawing on each other's strengths and weaknesses. However, during nights like tonight the brunette knew it could turn into a clash of the Titans. She was right of course as she heard the blonde's angry footsteps and yell at her guns blazing. Emily, however, did not react or turn around or move. Except to pour herself another glass and down it. Alcohol seemed comforting.
JJ could feel her blood boiling within her, her girlfriend was simply going to ignore her. "Don't you dare ignore me, Emily Prentiss!" JJ shouted angrily, "The whole idea of tonight was for you to meet my parents and you get there and turn into this arrogant, fake, bitch!" JJ shook her head in disbelief, "You have no idea how much you have embarrassed me, how you have made me look to my parents. They think I date inconsiderate assholes now!" JJ was fuming, her hands balled into fists and she clenched them tightly.
Emily whipped around holding the bottle in one hand, glass half full in the other. "Maybe you just should have cancelled again then," Emily yelled back. She did not plan to yell, but at JJ's words she felt the alcohol mix with the hurt and confusion of all her anxieties and suddenly all she felt was pain and anger. "You clearly felt embarrassed by me already. If you knew I was going to be such a fuck-up why did you take me in the first place!"
"If you actually bothered to talk to me you would have realised that I am not embarrassed by you!" JJ spat back, anger coursing through her veins. "You're so caught up in the fact you don't want anyone to know about your past that you don't give a crap about anybody else's!" JJ shook her head, she couldn't get herself to calm down, words just spilled from her lips before she could even think. "If you actually asked about my past, if you actually took interest in my family and what matters to me you might know that I don't talk or see my parents all that often, if ever! If you actually cared you would know why that is too." JJ spat angrily.
"You seriously expected me to sit down with you just before we go and meet your parents for the first time and delve into that. We knew about this dinner for weeks JJ, fucking weeks and you never said a word." Emily could feel her grip getting tighter and tighter around the glass, her knuckles turning white. "You never ask me about my past. Ever. So what, you don't give a crap about me either? And right, I don't care because I didn't get Garcia to come into our flat and set up that evening of 'firsts'. I love you but right, I'm a total bitch. You constantly tell me it's ok that I don't say I love you enough was that all a lie too?...you hate that about me too!" Inside she was crushing; it was one of her worst fears that she was not good enough for the blonde. That her personality, political training and past would affect her relationship...and it was happening. She was finding it hard to breath between the anger and the fear.
"I don't ask about your past Emily because I know you don't want to talk about it and it would get me nowhere, but I have never told you not to ask about mine, I have never warned you off, I want you to know!" JJ wanted this all to be a quick fix but she knew it wouldn't be, there was months of tension building up and it had to be dealt with once and for all. "No that wasn't a lie! You know that's bullshit! I don't have an issue with you not saying you love me when I can see it in your eyes," JJ's voice was still slick with anger as before, "But recently I haven't seen it, Em. All you care about is keeping those freaking walls up so that nobody can get close to you! All you care about is keeping enough distance so that nobody can know the real Emily. Well here's a wake-up call for you, Agent Prentiss, I already know the real Emily! I fell in love with the real Emily! Now she's putting up walls and keeping me out for no real reason at all." JJ could feel herself calming slightly, she was done with shouting, she needed to get through to Emily, she needed to make her see what she was saying was right. "If you bothered to ask me why I hadn't introduced you to my parents sooner, why I hadn't jumped at the chance of you meeting them way before this, I would have told you. I would have told you. I would have been honest with you! If you bothered to ask me, Emily!" JJ felt tears prick at her eyes as she gazed at her girlfriend. She was convinced she was going to be spending the rest of her life with the woman in front of her, but now she wasn't so sure.
Emily knew JJ was right about the walls, but they were her defence mechanism. Without them she was scared what would happen. Her walls held a lifetime of pain, hurt, a full spectrum of emotions that she had had to deal with alone. Her anger had disappeared and now she just felt like she had fucked it all up, and more than anything that she really did not deserve the blonde. "My whole life I've been alone. I never had a family, or friends, I travelled everywhere. I had to learn entire new languages just to survive. My only companions were the staff in my house who were decades older than me and even then they had jobs to do. I had no-one. So I built up ways to handle that. I am sorry that gets in the way. I am sorry that fucks everything up, but I don't know any different! You think I enjoy struggling, watching us fall apart." She downed the rest of her drink from her glass. She could not cry she was too numb for it. "I try, I try so hard to be someone who is worthy of you. To be a different person. To open up and talk. To change decades worth of programming. I'm sorry I failed you." Thoughts were running through Emily's head, but she could not let go of that one insecurity. "But you are at fault too!" Anger building again. "If you knew me so well, if you know that I am like how I am why did you not notice that I was suffering too about this whole thing."
"Em, I never asked you to be a different person! I never asked you to change; I knew exactly what I was letting myself in for when I bought this apartment with you." JJ informed her as she stepped closer, "You have problems which I clearly haven't addressed as I should have and likewise so do I," JJ didn't like to talk about her issues but she knew eventually she would have to if they were ever going to get past this. JJ buried them away inside her for so long that even she thought they had gone for a while until they resurfaced when she met Emily and tried to deal with the impending need for her to meet her parents. "I know I am at fault, Em, I have never pretended that I am not and I'm sorry if I didn't notice, but you didn't notice me either did you? I have so much inside that I need to get out," JJ started, tears spilling down her cold, pale cheeks. "So much that I want to talk to you about. I have never spoken to anyone about any of it, all this crap that is inside of my head, all this crap which has made this a problem in the first place!" She took a deep breath before continuing, "I've never felt the need to talk about it before, I've never been so close to someone that it's been important to tell them what's going on in my head," She paused, "But then I met you," JJ shook her head, "You're my girlfriend, Emily, I should be able to talk to you about this stuff but I can't..." The tears continued to fall, "You don't make me feel like I can talk to you."
The brunette listened intently to JJ. How could she have not known her girlfriend was suffering so much? She was a profiler for fucks sake. They were in love. She should have noticed this stuff. Her heart was beating in her chest, beating so hard and so fast it felt like it would escape at any moment. She was willing herself not to cry, especially seeing her girlfriend break down in front of her very eyes. She has physically hurting stopping herself. She could feel her cheeks ache that all too familiar feeling when bottling tears. But then came the final blow. That final sentence that stopped her heart and broke it literally in two within seconds. Her breathing stopped and she was sure she was going to be sick. Her grip became impossible tight on the thin glass she was holding. It smashed in her hands, cutting her hand. Not that she noticed or even cared. She could feel the blood running down her hand and a faint humm of pain somewhere screaming at her. Her nervous system was crying out to stop her from clinching her fist around the glass left in her hand but she did not listen. She was losing her battle with her tears and the air was suffocating. She had to get out. Get far away from this flat, from JJ, from everything. She looked at JJ, her walls in her eyes completely dropping. She had lost the energy to keep them up. Decade's worth of pain, memories and secrets and then this heartbreak shining through them. "Then maybe this was a bad idea," she whispered before she walked past the blonde straight out the flat without looking back.
JJ stared at the now closed front door. She wasn't sure what had just happened, she felt numb. She's left me; she's really gone and left me. The events of the evening began to hit JJ like a sharp knife right through her chest. She watched the door, standing silently at the entrance to the living room. She willed the door to open, for Emily to emerge apologising and saying what a mistake she had made. It didn't happen. She's not coming back. Tears began to fly down JJ's cheeks like no tomorrow. Sobs racked her body as she slowly slid down the living room door to the ground. She pulled her knees to her chest and held them there tightly, her arms wrapped around them protectively as she sobbed into the material of her sweat pants. I fucked it up, she's gone, she doesn't love me, she's really gone.
An hour later the door still hadn't opened and JJ was still sat sobbing into her knees. She finally found the strength to stand herself up. She took herself off towards the bedroom slowly, looking throughout the flat as she did, too many memories shining back at her. She stood at the entrance to their bedroom and looked around the room, I can still smell her in here, I can almost feel her. JJ walked to the dresser and opened the top drawer slowly; she pulled out one of Emily's shirts, her favourite shirt and proceeded to get undressed. Dressing herself in only her panties and Emily's shirt JJ began to pad her way down the hallway towards the guest bedroom. She opened the door to reveal the empty, dark, unfinished room. She flicked the light on and immediately was drawn to the half painted wall opposite her. We never did finish this; the same mark is there, untouched. She stared at the body shaped paint mark on the wall and felt her sobs only get worse. Flicking off the light she closed the door behind her and walked to the centre of the room. This room held so many memories for JJ, so many happy memories of them together. They'd only just got the apartment; they were so excited that it was theirs together they wanted to celebrate by decorating the guest bedroom together. JJ sat silently in the middle of the room, darkness surrounding her. She lay down, her head resting on her hands as she pulled herself into a fetal position. There she laid, sobs racking her weak, limb body as she cried over her girlfriend and what she'd lost.