Killer Penguins
SECOND DAY of the Smashers' cruise
No one bothered to check what was behind the bed when someone noticed blood seeping out from the sides. It took all of Ganondorf's strength to pull the bed out of the wall, and the body they saw was a disgusting sight. Luigi's body was barely recognisable. All that remained of the plumber were bloodstained gloves and a squashed hat.
Dedede whistled cheerfully whilst walking towards Luigi's room with a wheelbarrow filled with his stuff. After moving Luigi's belongings into a storage closet, he settled into the room.
"2 down," he said, lying on a spare mattress. "33 to go."
There was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" Dedede called.
"Luigi? Is that you!?" Peach's voice replied.
"Yes… um… yes-a! It's-a me, Luigi!" the penguin replied with a bad Italian accent.
"Oh! You're ali-"
"Um… don't open the door, honey!" Dedede said, butting in.
"How dare you call me by that name!" Peach said. "Are you drunk again?"
"Um… Peach! Go away! I'm busy trying to… um… burn photos!"
"Burning photos!?" she screamed, banging on the door. "Photos of who?"
"Photos of you, darling… Um… Yes-a!" Dedede replied.
"You know what!? You're stupid! I never want to see you again!"
"Hypocrite!" the penguin called back.
"I'll have to go hurt Dedede's feelings instead!"
"Okay-a, you go do- Wait, what do you have against Dedede?"
"He's stupid! And unpopular! He may as well be dead!" Peach screamed.
"That isn't much of a reason…"
"It's 'reason' enough! Now get out of my sight!"
"You can't even see me, Peach…-a…" Dedede said, yawning.
"Well… hmph!" Peach huffed, storming off.
"She dislikes the great and almighty Dedede…" the penguin muttered. "She must die!"
"Yes! For great-a justice!" Mario exclaimed, peeking out of Dedede's closet.
Silence.
"Mario, what the heck are you doing in my closet?"
The plumber ran out of the room.
"Heh," Dedede chuckled. "Italians."
The penguin slowly walked towards Yoshi's room. If he wasn't careful, the dinosaur could easily attempt to kill him again. Knocking on the door, Dedede yawned, and leaned in. Suddenly, the door broke of its hinges and fell to the ground.
He looked up to see a shelled creature with a magnificent beak, and shades that covered his eyes. He had the most wonderful hair anyone could wish for, in a 'hip' looking hairstyle. The thing screamed 'awesome'.
"I'm sorry," he said in a suave manner. "I cannot let you through."
Dedede stood up. "Just who are you to say that to me!?"
"He's my bodyguard!" a voiced said from inside the room.
Yoshi stepped into view, staring at the penguin in the eye.
"Yoshi! Why do you need a bodyguard? Just who are you trying to keep away?"
"You!" Yoshi screamed. "You've been threatening to kill me and I think it's time to put a stop to it!"
"I think your stupid turtle-thing should leave…" Dedede said menacingly.
"He's a Koopa Troopa, stupid. And no, he's not leaving."
"Why? Are you going to… cook him?"
The bodyguard hit Dedede in the jaw.
"Okay! That's it! You're going down!" the penguin growled.
As the penguin's fist drove in the Koopa's direction, he quickly grabbed it and twisted violently. Within a matter of seconds Dedede was on the ground.
"What the!? I'll get you!"
The penguin hopped back up on his feet and threw another uncoordinated punch at the Koopa. It ducked, and proceeded to kick Captain Falcon (who was nearby) into Dedede's mouth.
The fat bird spat out the Captain. "You're testing me, Koopa!"
Soon it became clear that Dedede wasn't going to win this fight. Enraged by this occurrence, he walked back to 'his' room.
Crazy Hand's voice rang throughout the ship. "Everybody! To the second floor! Now!"
Soon enough, everyone arrived to see a swimming pool next to the hand.
"I happen to have found this swimming pool! Thus, it shall be named after its discoverer! It is: Crazy Swimming Pool!"
Silence.
"What? Don't you like my original name choice?"
More silence.
"I think it's a - Say… where's Luigi and Marth?"
"We haven't seen Marth for a while. And Luigi's dead!" Samus pointed out.
"Well why didn't you say so earlier?"
"When I did, you ignored me completely!"
Everyone else was in the swimming pool.
"Why is everybody here ignoring me?"
"Because nobody cares that Luigi is dead!" someone shouted out from the crowd.
"Luigi's dead!?" Peach wailed.
"Then where's Marth?" Zelda asked.
"I don't know!" Samus screamed. "Weren't you listening before?"
"I was!" Yoshi exclaimed. "And I know where Marth is!"
Everyone gasped.
"He's de-"
Dedede bumped Yoshi out of the way.
"I think he means to say that Marth is swimming with the fishies!"
"Oh. Okay!" Crazy Hand said unsuspectingly.
"Yes! He's dead! And Dedede killed him! He's dead! He's-"
"Yoshi… I think you need to rest for a while…" Sonic said, grabbing the dinosaur by the arm. "You've been really crazy lately! Chillax, dude!"
"Get your hands off me!" Yoshi said, struggling violently.
"No, Yoshi, I think you need to-"
"I think you should do what he says," said a voice from the edge of the pool.
It was the Koopa, whose shades shone brightly in the sunlight. His hair ruffled in the breeze, and his teeth were gritted together.
"And who are you, Koopa? Just what are you gonna do to me?" Sonic sneered.
"I have no use for names…" the Koopa replied, the sun falling across his face in a dramatic way. "You have been distressing my client… and being distressed is not what my client wants…"
"You can stop with all this philosophical talk, thanks Mr. I-use-my-vocabulary!"
The Koopa snarled, and hopped across peoples' heads towards Sonic. The hedgehog flailed his arms violently to swim away, but to no avail. The Koopa was on top of him, and pushed his head under the water, while kicking his neck repetitively.
Sonic shook and bubbled until he was suddenly still. Everyone gasped in amazement. The Koopa still threw kicks at the lifeless body, as if it was still a threat.
"He's… dead…" Ness gasped.
There was a deadly silence in the air.
"EVERYONE PARTY!"
The Smashers shuffled out of the pool and into the mess hall to eat some cake.
When everybody else was distracted, Dedede snuck towards Yoshi's room, only to see the bodyguard standing in the doorway.
"I thought you were… still pummelling Sonic's dead body…" Dedede said, staring blankly.
"I was…" the Koopa said, violently jerking his head towards Dedede. "Then I wasn't.
"As the flow of time passes, we each-"
Dedede punched the Koopa in the face.
"So it's a fight you're looking for…" the Koopa said, clutching his face. "Prepare to be made into mince meat."
Dedede jumped as the Koopa lunged at him. He kicked the turtle in the back several times, then jumped backwards.
"But… how? How can you defeat me without any prior knowledge?" the Koopa questioned, falling to the ground. "It's almost like… a movie cliché…"
"Yeah," Dedede said. "Pretty much."
Suddenly, the bodyguard leaped up and stabbed Dedede in the shoulder with his shades. As the penguin stumbled backwards, the Koopa's look of determination turned into a triumphant smile.
"Face it, King Dedede," the Koopa taunted. "You are not match for me."
"Ah…" Dedede said, staring at the turtle. "But you underestimate something."
"And what might that be, Dedede?"
"The power of LOVE!"
Nothing happened.
"Oh," Dedede said.
He pushed the Koopa into a conveniently placed oven.
"Can't take the terror, can you terrapin?" Dedede sneered.
The Koopa was slowly being cooked to death.
"Well, that's just…"
Silence.
Dedede dragged the oven down to the mess hall.
"Hey, Dedede, this overcooked turtle is delicious!" Ganondorf said heartily.
Yoshi walked into the room.
"Hey guys! Have any of you seen my bodyguard?"
"Nooo…" Dedede said, winking.
Crazy Hand floated at the podium. "I have invited you to this funeral… to discuss Sonic's life. He was a good-"
"He's not even a Nintendo character!" Popo screamed.
"True," Crazy Hand said.
He threw Sonic's body overboard.
Everybody cheered.
"Guess that's the end of him!" Dedede laughed.
"That would've fit the context a few hours ago," Nana sighed. "Right now it's irrelevant!"
Dedede shrugged, then made his way towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water, satisfied by this death.