First off, I want to say I'm terribly sorry. At first I procrastinated and wouldn't write. I kept pushing things away (much like I'm doing now) and telling myself, 'I'll do it later', when really I wasn't. Then, my Beta tester got busy apparently and hasn't been able to send me corrections so I couldn't get this up to you. She still hasn't responded, so this is uneditted and may contain many errors. Please bear with me on this. The holidays can be very busy, I know, so I don't blame nikkicaskettfan at all. I just hope she likes this and understands my predicament.
Second off, I want to thank everyone whos read this, that they have enjoyed it and will continue to...and will stick with me when I procrastinate and make you wait forever to read it(again, so sorry).
And third, I wanted to say to Anon Reader: As I showed in the prologue, this story is what Kate would tell you if you asked about the first time she met Richard Castle. I put the quotation in there for a reason. I was using this to help convey her as speaking, instead of writing it down like in a journal. I hope that has helped you.
Thanks again for being pationt with me and please review so that I may know what you think! Enjoy!
Oh, and I realized I haven't been putting a disclaimer in, so here it is. I don't own Castle in any shape or form. It's all Andrew Marlowes ideas, not mine. I just toy with them for my personal enjoyment.
EDIT: Thank you so much anoynmus reader, for helping me correct the date. I knew I was completly off, but I couldn't find the date, so I adlibed. It is corrected know. Thanks again!
DOUBLE EDIT: Sorry, sorry, last time I promise. Heres the prompts:
*Safe
*No Good
*Fudge
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"In my muddled youthful stage I could never pinpoint the start of the physical abuse, but it's ridiculously clear now." Kate would suck in a breath and you would lean forward, interested but sympathetic. She would give you a quick smile, and then say, "January 9, 1999. It was snowing outside, but that's about all I remember about the scenery. What I do remember was pulling up to his house in his (car, black). I remember thinking that I loved that he lived off campus so we didn't have to deal with noisy dorm neighbors and, with his job and hard work ethic, no noisy house mates. Just him and me.
"Before we went inside, he captured his lips with his and we spent another ten minutes exploring each other and letting our tongues dance. I ended up with two hickeys at the end and a huge splitting grin.
"He smiled back at me when he pulled back for air and popped the lock on his door as he got out. I waited until he had shut his door and walked around to my side. I had learned last time to let him open doors and such for me. I knew he had felt like hitting me as we went into a yelling match, but he held back, knowing he didn't have my full trust yet. Eventually I conceded, so know every time I had to wait. It irked me, but it was kind of sweet, in a way.
"Anyways, when he finally opened up my door after searching his pocket for his keys for at least ninety seconds, I clambered out, the grin still plastered on my face." She'd blush at this and rush to explain. "Remember, I was still a teenager at heart and I hadn't had many steady boyfriends by this time." She'd clear her throat.
"Since his keys were already out, he headed up to the door first, and I waited until he'd swung the door open before I swept past him and swayed my hips as I went for the stairs. I let him stare at my ass for a few more seconds before whipping my head around at the bottom of the steps and beckoning him with my eyes. He didn't waste a second rushing after me. He seemed just as happy as me. After all, this would be out first time 'around all the bases' or 'on a homerun' as we called it then." She would chuckle before her eyes went dark.
"Everything was alright at first. We got into the throws of passion, clothes flying everywhere, before he began to get a little rough. Throwing me around and such, you know. The look in his eyes was nothing like I'd seen before. Possessiveness I didn't like. I tried to tell him, but he silenced me with his mouth. Then, he suggested we play master and slave. I refused and a fire went on his eyes." She would suck in a breath. "I experienced my first rape that night. Twice. He wouldn't even let me go then. He groped me a little before settling me down on his bed, his arm a steel bar around my chest. I was shaking, sweating, and naked. It was," She would shake her head. "It was nothing good that was for sure. I eventually fell into a fitful sleep, the bruises on my body all evidence of the truth, that he was really no good.
"The next morning I was sore. No, I was more than sore. I was aching like I'd been thrown off a two story building. And not just the spots where I should. I was dizzy and my arms pulsed pain. When I sat up, I had to fall back down quickly and force myself to breathe, a noxiousness overtaking me. I curled up in a ball and laid there for at least five minutes before I could move again. That's when I noticed he wasn't holding me.
"I made myself sit up slowly and assess my surroundings. His room looked the same. Clean and smart, except for the woman's clothes wrinkled atop the dresser. He'd thrown them all up there, obviously, before he went down stairs. My bra was missing though. I made a mental note to search when I was not as disoriented, but I didn't see him.
"A sharp pain went through my stomach as I swung my legs over his bed. I automatically pressed my hand there and waited. The pain went away almost instantly. I sigh in relief, but confusion replaced my agony when I brought my hand away and saw a stick white clinging to it.
"I looked down at my chest and sure enough, tit bits of whipped cream stick to my body in random places, some that were very uncomfortable. I didn't remember the rapes having any condiments, so I knew he must have done it sometime in the middle of the night…while I was asleep. The thought of it made my stomach contents rush up to my mouth. I forced them down though. I didn't know where the bathroom was but I wasn't about to ask. Getting out of there was priority number one.
"The biggest accessible window in his room was five inches tall and six inches wide. It reminded me of a bathroom window, able to open from the inside for ventilation only. I stifled a sob, knowing I'd have to search the second floor for a window, hoping he was downstairs making breakfast. And if the other windows were all like that one…
"At the time, I pushed the thoughts out of my head and made myself put on my clothes, ignoring any and all discomfort. This wasn't the first time I'd forced myself to be strong, and it sure as hell wouldn't be the last, but it was one of the many times I was thankful to be able to do so. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to get out of a ball that day and it may have taken me longer to get away from him. I might not even have-"
Kate would shake her head lightly, as if clearing that thought permanently from her brain. She wouldn't want to think about that, so she'd skip some time to get herself oriented again. "The smell from downstairs placed him in the kitchen, but it was a small victory. None of the other rooms in the second floor had a window big enough to fit a medium sized dog. Balconies were nonexistent.
"I cried then. Let the tears flow down my cheeks and the sobs come out. I'd have to face him again, I knew that, but it was scary and horrible, and I just wanted to run to my, um, mother." She would clear her throat and open her mouth as if to say something else, but push it off. "I finally grabbed ahold of my tears and sneaked back to his room. I still couldn't find my bra, but my purse lay nicely next to where my clothes were and I rummaged through there, eyes flickering to the door every few seconds. I was sure he would walk through it at any time and rape me again. Again, I had to force down the tears before I found my pocket make-up kit.
"I quickly covered up my tears and made myself take some deep breaths. 'You can do this.' I whispered to myself over and over again until I believed it, and then headed downstairs."
She would ask for a glass of water then and you would get it for her, carful to leave her by herself for a few minutes extra before returning, just to let her collect her thoughts. She would sit there, sipping her water, and staring off into space for a while, probably longer than you could keep still. But eventually, she would come back to earth, setting her glass down and folding her hands. She'd lean forward and take a deep breath, just like she described. You would almost expect her to whisper, 'you can do this,' but when she doesn't, you wouldn't say anything.
"He didn't notice me right away. Actually, I tried to sneak out at first, but I'd never learned the proper way how and he spotted me just as I begun.
"'Where are you going, pretty lady?' He purred, gliding over to me and sweeping me up in a kiss. I was tense and unresponsive to him, but he didn't seem to notice, just leaned back with a smile. I made myself crack a smile and bit my lip. What do I do? Were my immediate thoughts, but I stayed silent, unable to come up with a good enough answer that wouldn't send him into a rage.
"I knew he was in a good mood when he didn't press me, just kissed my forehead and grinned. 'I made pancakes and bacon!' He didn't even ask if I wanted any, just stuck in hand at my lower back and guided me forward to the table. I plopped down in the chair, unsure of what to do, but he just sat down with me, smiled, and dug in. Seeing I had no other choice, I ate too.
"After I finished and he finished, he reminded me of my dinner date with my parents I had talked so admittedly about. I almost did a happy dance right then and there. Mom, at the time, was my safe haven, my best friend. We told each other everything and trusted each other completely. She would know what to do. She always did." He voice would lower and turn wistful, but she wouldn't pause.
"He let me go then. I didn't even bother him about the bra, just got the hell out of there, remembering to wave. I refused his offer to drive me, insisting I liked to walk. I'd take freezing winds and rain over a small enclosed space with him any day.
"A couple blocks down, the rain turned from sprinkling to pouring. I was happy to let it soak me though. It felt nice to my wounds after the stifling heat of his body. I slowed my pace after the first five blocks and just let myself take my time to the university. The dinner wasn't until seven and my watch read 11:38 am, so there was no need to rush on my day off.
"I ended up stopping at a little coffee shop called Annie's and sitting in my corner booth, people watching for two hours and ordering coffee after coffee. I was so jittery after I left, that I was shaking from way more than the cold. Unsurprisingly, it helped me focus though. Coffee had always done that to me, made me calmer and more rational. Also, happier, but not today. I was the furthest from happy I thought I'd ever be. I wouldn't believe you if you told me how many ways worse this day could be. But I wouldn't have laughed.
"I kept replaying last night over and over in my head, never censured and way too many times. I wanted to forget, but that would never be an option. It never leaves you. That pain. That fear. Never." She'd look about to cry, but only for a second. She was too strong to cry. "I knew there really was nothing I could have done different at that moment, but my mind insisted that I had done something wrong and made me think, and think hard, on just what I had done wrong in.
"It didn't help. I walked around the city twice that day before nightfall, tired and torn up inside. I couldn't wait to talk to my Mom. To pour it all out to her. And I knew just when. Dad would get up to go to the bathroom and I'd wait until he was out of ear shot, and then I would just let myself ramble, let Mom hold my hand, let her listen. I would talk until Dad got back, then regain my composer and finish off the night. When we went home, Mom would have us go upstairs for a while and we'd talk it out. And she'd tell me all of what I needed to do. It would be over then. I'd be done.
"Life's not fair. I've learned that in my years of being a cop. You can plan and plan and wish and wish, but it doesn't change anything. Shit still happens, to the bad, and to the good." She'd sigh and rub a hand over her face. "I met Dad at the restaurant at 6:45. Mom was missing, but that wasn't abnormal. She usually worked long hours and lateness was her thing. I was used to it, though I had hopped tonight would be one of the rare nights she was on time, or even early.
"When seven thirty rolled around and still no Mom, Dad had us order. He made me laugh and smile, and I felt better, even though I was still torn up inside.
"We finished dinner happy and full, so much so I had to wrap my dessert up to go. It was a topper to a great night. Mint peanut butter fudge, my favorite of all fudge, and I had a huge block of it all to myself for several nights. He drove me to their house so we could call her and maybe have a quiet movie night with her if she could come home. If not, he had a plan I was unaware of, and still am, because it never happened.
"There was a detective waiting for us, Detective Raglan. He told us they had found her body. That she had been stabbed to death and left in an ally. I don't remember much else from when we got home, except the smell of mint and peanut butter creating a horribly sweet aroma around my face."
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Reviews or yelling matches. It's all good...just as long as I get something! *smilez*