I love you, that's what he said! he fucking told me he loved me and then he just ripped my heart out. He cheated on me, all because I wasn't ready, said he wanted a woman who was willing to give him some, the dick, its not my fault I'm not ready. He said I didn't really love him, that I was using him as an excuse to stay here, but I did love him, didn't I? yes I did, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this shit.
well I defiantly don't love him now, I hate him, he betrayed my trust, I can never trust anyone again, everyone I love leaves me, is it my fault they leave? does every one I love leave me because I'm unlovable?

I just sit alone in my house, watching shit on TV or eating, but I don't seem to be gaining any weight, I'm losing it rapidly, which is strange, can sadness make you ill? I hope not, because I'm always sad these day's, the only company I have since tom left is the stupid cattle, and there not exactly ideal company, for the fact that they just shit and eat all the time.

I need something to do with my life, I need someone in my life, but I cant trust getting close to someone again, because they will just hurt me, and I don't think I can handle any more hurt. the people you love always leave, just like my dad left me and my mum when I was 7. He used to hurt my mum, not hit her or anything, but he hurt her emotionally, he used to argue with her all the time, and say nasty things to her, but I still loved him, he was my hero. when other kids used to pick on me, he taught me to defend myself, not with the usual parenting skills of 'just tell a teacher' no, my dad taught me how to fight, and after that no one bothered me again, or became my friends, but i didn't care because I had my dad. But then he left, just decided that he didn't want us any more, he said he was going to start a new life in Paris with his new girlfriend Amanda. I never saw him again after that, but he did send me post cards from all the places he lived with different women.

Bertha keeps calling the house, asking me to come down and read to her, but I don't want to, I don't like reading to her, she just falls asleep after the second chapter. but she wont give up, she keeps saying that the book will be good for me, that it will help me enter new worlds or something like that, but if I go there, I'll have t leave the house, and if I leave the house, I will have to socialize, which I really don't want to do.

she's banging on the door again, saying that If I wont read the book, then I should at least take a walk in the woods like I promised I would, how did she know about that? did I let it slip in one of our phone conversations? I don't care, I would happily take a walk alone in the woods that read some crappy fake book to her for the next couple of hours. I ran upstairs and got dressed in my usual cloths, my dark red and pink floral dress that has a zip running all the way down the back, some black walking boots, my black leather jacket, and I put on some mascara and eye-liner, just to complete the look, and because I like the way my green eyes look with it on, I contemplated putting my curly blond mess into a bun, but decided against it, way to much effort.

I ran down the stairs, swearing when I missed the last step and almost landed on my face, and ran to the back door. once outside I jumped the high fence that cut off my house from the field and legged it across the field like there was no tomorrow. now that I was actually on my way the the forest, I was excited, I haven't been there in so long and it was my mothers favourite place in the whole world, so I would feel closer to her there. I finally reached the forest and began walking, trying to catch my breath, I bent over and breathed in deeply, taken in the damp air and the smell of leaves and earth, and I felt calm and happy for the first time in months, screw tom and his slut, I was finally free again. I began walking slowly, taken in the scenery, when I heard a crack, then another one, then another, I turned around fast just in time to see a man jogging towards me, he didn't seem to realize I was there and bumped into me, I went flying backwards down the banking, twigs and leaves were getting caught in my hair and I tumbled down, then I hit my head on a rock and everything went black.