Linger
'I would laugh away the pain
did you know I'd run all day?
just to maybe hear you say that
you are
falling
too'
'Falling Too' - Tyler Joseph
Cold, so very cold. There hasn't been a drop of warmth in her prison for days, nothing to keep the chill from seeping into her bones. Moving is starting to border on painful. When was the last time she ate? She can't remember. The hollow in her stomach doesn't protest anymore, it just remains there as an oppressive reminder. Her time is short.
Are they missing her?
Is Eaglestrike combing the battlefield hoping that he won't find a lifeless body? Is Rainpatch scouring the countless alleys of the city praying he finds some sign? Is Tornheart calling on everything she has to sense even a sliver of her presence?
Or...or have they just forgotten? Have they abandoned any hope of finding her alive? Has she been buried without a body? Have they shared stories of her victories, reminded themselves gently of her failures, spoke softly of her memories?
Bleeding. Bleeding. Falling. Tumbling. Hitting hard ground.
She blinks. There's sounds of movement whispering through the stone walls. Claws scratch impatiently, this might be her chance. All she needs is a moment. "Please don't."
Frozengaze peers into the gloom, picking out the dull blue staring back at him. He sounds worn, maybe a little ill, but no less regal. His posture is still strong, dominating, powerful, but lacking something. He doesn't look like he did framed by lightning and green fire. "Just stay there."
"And if I don't?" She hates how exhausted she sounds.
"I'll leave."
"Sounds ideal."
The tantalizing smell of fresh-kill drifts into her prison. Her entire body fills with a faint hope. Is today the day she'll finally have something to fill that hole in her stomach? It growls eagerly. Yet, she makes no attempt to fetch the rabbit from where it has fallen by his paws. She doesn't trust him. She doesn't like him. She hates him. He's the reason she's here. He's the reason Willowclaw's dead.
"Take it," he pushes it towards her. "It's for you."
She shakes her head, "no."
"Please, you'll die if you don't."
"You won't have to kill me yourself if I do. Just leave me to die. I don't need anything from you." Her throat is closing up. Talking to him reminds her of what he did. She can see his claws, glinting in the light of a sky on fire, taking their sweet time as they carve death deep into Willowclaw's throat.
Frozengaze closes his eyes. "I'm not going to kill you. I don't want to. I don't ever want to harm you, Icepetal."
There's fury lighting a forest fire behind her eyes, "you should have thought of that before you killed him!"
She's surprised when he looks almost upset. His brow furrows and ears lie flat. Does he perhaps regret what he did? She frowns. Of course he doesn't, he's Crimson's mate, a monster pretending to be different. Her lip curls, anger heightens.
"I'm not going to hurt you," Frozengaze repeats earnestly, taking a step further into her prison.
In a flash of colour she's back in the chaos of war hearing the cries of the dying and the roars of the victorious. Above her bubble thick, dark clouds. A pillar of green splits the sky, burning it, ruining it. Cold stars watch what unfolds. Willowclaw is beside her, grinning, enjoying ridding the world of Crimson's soldiers.
She loves him, every part of him.
A paw catches the side of his head, eyes of ice meeting hers. Frozengaze hears the screamed plea, the words hang in the air between them. He just smiles crookedly and paints red across Willowclaw's throat.
He drops the body, stepping closer.
"Icepetal?"
"Stay away." Backed up against the far wall of her prison Icepetal shakes under Frozengaze's eyes. She knows what he's capable of. She's seen what those claws can do. Why can't he just leave her alone?
Frozengaze looks crestfallen but makes no further attempts to get closer. He hovers awkwardly, focus flicking between the discarded rabbit and the thin warrior. "If..if you won't eat for me then eat for him." At the quizzical look she gives him he adds, "eat if for Willowclaw. He wouldn't want you to die lying down. He'd want you to die fighting. Right?"
"...right." She looks at him, really looks at him, seeing the sag in his shoulders and the dullness of his coat. "Did Crimson win?"
"No." There's no sadness in his voice when he speaks, tossing the word over his shoulder as he leaves the prison, pausing to look at her before the wall slides shut. Icepetal is plunged into darkness once more.
All that's left of the rabbit come the next day is bones. Icepetal pretends she doesn't see the gentle smile on Frozengaze's muzzle.
The knowledge that Crimson lost is only mildly comforting. Yes, Icepetal is glad that the world has been saved and the Clans can go back to living in fragile peace, but she's still here, locked up in the dark. The others haven't found her. Are they even looking? Do they even care? Did they bury an invisible body beside Willowclaws?
She wonders if they've gone back to the Clans. It hurts to think that they might have given up on her. But, she asks herself, would you have given up on them? It hurts worse to know that she might have.
Curling in on herself Icepetal pretends she isn't stuck in the cold, dark cave. She's running through the snow instead, chasing down hares alongside her Clanmates. Laughter is something she hasn't heard in far too long. She finds that she misses it. Such a trivial thing to miss. It's not really something she thought she'd ever miss.
The sky is blue, the clouds white and fat. She paints an imaginary world hoping that, if she thinks hard enough, the imaginary will become real. A gentle wind stirs the treetops, plays softly with the pale leaves. Perfect and whole is the sun beating brightly at its highest point in the endless blue, golden rays beautiful in a way nothing else can be.
It's how she passes the time. Days go by, she thinks they might be blurring into moons. Frozengaze brings fresh-kill everyday - Icepetal's noticed that he's looking more like his old, uppity self. He never comes too far into her prison, respecting her boundaries, understanding that she may never accept him. The hope doesn't leave his eyes though, she sees it everyday, a soft light behind the pale blue.
Today is different. Her mind hasn't drawn up the perfect SnowClan day where the prey runs thick and the sun shines radiantly. Instead it's dark, green flashes casting light over a battlefield teeming with chaos. She feels strangely at home amongst death, dealing it out and avoiding it, rearing up, crashing down, spilling blood. Her heart runs wild within her chest.
Fighting alongside her friends, beside the Chosen, it gives her such a rush. It's not just her winning the war, it's them, all of them. Protecting each other, teasing each other, trying to keep each other alive. Icepetal could stay with them forever.
Forever is an unknown amount of time, however, and, at some point, forever must come to an end.
Succumbing to a puncture wound, Eaglestrike breaks forever first. Following him over the edge, neck twisted at a painful angle, is Rainpatch. Littleflame joins them soon after, too tired and broken to continue. They fall so quickly, too quickly. There's nothing anyone can do apart from watch. No words of farewell are shared. Speaking is too hard when blood fills your throat.
"We'll do it," Willowclaw vows, muzzle pressed into the fur on Icepetal's neck, "we'll do it for them."
She's screaming her voice raw when he goes, shaking his shoulders, calling his name, commanding him to open his eyes. Her paws are covered in his blood, the red leaking from everywhere all at once. She can't breathe. She can't think. Nothing is okay, not when he won't wake up, not when he won't roll over and tell her to smile.
His blood is wrapping itself around her legs, climbing higher and higher, devouring her as it moves. She can't move, all she can do is feel it creeping closer to her head. Drowning has never felt so real.
"Icepetal! Icepetal, wake up!"
Wake up? But she's not asleep, she's so very far from asleep. Does dying count as sleeping?
A rhythmic lapping at her shoulder awakens Icepetal from the nightmare she'd fallen into, dead bodies and blood leaking away, replaced by bland gray walls and cold air. By her side she feels a presence, gentle and soothing, tongue rasping across her shoulder.
They've almost lulled her back to sleep when she realises who it is. "Get off!" Icepetal didn't mean to lash out with claws, the blood dripping from them doesn't make her feel any better.
Frozengaze curls his lip. "I'm sorry!" he shouts, "I'm sorry I killed him! If I had have known he meant so much to you I would have left him, but I was jealous. He got to be near you when I didn't. You hated me, you still do. I told you I always get what I want, and I'm sorry that I want you."
"I wasn't dreaming about that," she turned her head away. Being selfish wasn't a good enough excuse to kill someone and steal another. He's apologising though.
He blinks, "what were you dreaming about then?"
"Does it matter?"
"It does to me."
Silence stretches between them. It feels heavy, unspoken words souring the air. She doesn't look at him afraid that he'll see just how afraid she is. He looks at her because, even wallowing in the depths of grief, she is still beautiful.
"Come with me," Frozengaze blurts.
Icepetal shifts her gaze to quirk a brow at him, "why?"
"There's something I want you to see." His answer is cryptic but Icepetal finds that she doesn't really care. Any excuse to get out of her prison is good enough, even if it does mean following a tom she does not trust into a place she does not know.
Her nod feeds the little flame of hope still lit in his heart. To him this means he may have a chance yet. If she's trusting enough to follow him, then she might, one day, be trusting enough to fall for him. It's a slight hope, but a hope nonetheless. Frozengaze has learnt during his time in this world that hope is something the mortals cling to fiercely. It seems to fuel their every move. He's beginning to understand why.
They move silently through the twisting tunnels. The mountain has relinquished ownership over to him now that Crimson is dead. A strange thing it is to whisper a word and have the mountain respond in creaks and groans. He's found a friend in the stone. Glancing back he sees Icepetal, and a slight smile grows, perhaps he might have found another.
The throne room lays bare before them, three thrones cracked straight down the middle. Their similarity to the thrones on High Star Isle is uncanny, save for the runes. He'd found those runes beyond intriguing, this world had placed so much on four. Four seasons. Four oaks in a place he had never seen. Four Clans. Then why five Chosen?
He'd pondered that so often. If four was considered an almost holy number, then why were there five destined to save the world? It had left him confused more than once.
Again his attention drifts to the she-cat behind him. He knows just how strong she is, to have made it this far would have been no easy-feat, not with Crimson trying her utmost to destroy them. Yet she was alive. He swallows, glancing at her stomach, wondering when she will notice.
"What is this place?" her murmur is awestruck.
Frozengaze supposes the throne room is quite a sight to someone that has never laid eyes on it before, with its sweeping roof and stretching outcrop, greenery dangling from the rock to create a shield of sorts from the spray of the waterfall. It doesn't thunder like it used to, reduced to more of a relaxed flow. He can't really see the throne room as a place of wonder anymore.
"It used to be where Crimson would speak with her army. She introduced her sons to the important members in this place. She lost one of them here too," he adds quietly.
"Do you miss them?"
"My sons?" Frozengaze shrugs, moving towards the dangling greenery. "I never really knew them. Crimson wouldn't allow anyone to see them. There were a few rare occasions when she let them roam the tunnels, but even then it was unlikely to run into them. It did...hurt to lose them, perhaps just not as much as it might have. They were my sons even if I didn't know them. Why do you ask, have you lost kits?"
Icepetal's hoarse laugh catches him off guard. "No, but I've seen mothers lose kits in the Clan. It looks like such a horrible thing to go through."
"It killed Crimson to lose her kits."
"What do you mean?" she frowns, "Crimson couldn't feel anything towards anyone, she was incapable of that."
"Maybe that's what you heard, but she loved those kits, and she loved Tornheart too. Those two were rarely ever apart before Tornheart betrayed her. When Tornheart killed Shade, Crimson lost it. She didn't really react like she normally would, didn't strike Tornheart down or demand her soldiers to rip the betrayer apart, she kind of just...walked off," Frozengaze explained softly.
Beyond the hanging greenery is sunlight, warm and welcoming, gentle yellow light that feels so wonderful on Icepetal's cold body. She closes her eyes and just breathes, inhaling the fresh mountain air, the scents of outside - of flowers and running water and life. Oh how she's been craving this for so long. Only after the sun has warmed her chilled bones does she remember she'd left Frozengaze's explanation without a reply, twisting her neck to look over at him. Her heart halts in her chest when she meets his eyes.
He's looking at her with so much wonder in his pale depths, an odd sort of contentment relaxing his usually hard features. There's the beginnings of a smile twisting at his muzzle. It leaves her feeling a little strange.
"Did you love her?"
"I don't know," Frozengaze's reply is instant, truthful, and oddly comforting. "I don't think I really know what love is." He lays down, forepaws hanging over the edge.
"It's kind of a hard thing to explain."
He scratches behind his ear with a hind-leg, "would you mind trying?"
"Well," Icepetal says, "Willowclaw sort of attempted to explain it one time when he was trying to comfort me. He said that it's not something really worth worrying about, because it'll just hit you in the face one day and leave you standing there with a lopsided grin wondering why you ever worried about falling in love in the first place."
Frozengaze swallows the lump in his throat. "He sounds like a great cat."
He doesn't miss the flinch, or the way Icepetal's eyes harden. "He was but he had flaws too, every cat does. There were so many times that he just rushed into things without thinking first, annoyed the heck out of the rest of us. I suppose that was just part of his charm though."
It's in that moment, watching her talk about the tomcat she loved, sadly admiring how animated she became, that Frozengaze knows he has to tell her. This isn't about him, this is about her, it will always be about her. "Icepetal…"
"Hm?" She's looking at the sky, sunlight bathing her pretty fur in gold.
"I need to tell you something."
Icepetal side-eyes him, "that sounds ominous."
"You're expecting."
The silence that follows is terrifying. She looks like she's considering shoving him off the edge at the same time as contemplating making a run for it. Frozengaze admits that it might not have been the best way to break the news to her, but he needed to tell her. He wants the best of her after all, and kits are usually good news. He's already promised to himself that those kits will never come to any harm whilst he's around.
"Don't be stupid."
"I'm not."
She frowns, "you're lying."
"What would I gain from lying to you about this?" he retorts.
"I...I don't know but you are lying. I'm not expecting, I'm not having kits. There hasn't been a tom to make kits around while I've been trying to sa-" The moment the realisation hits her is moderately amusing to him, the slack jaw and wide eyes comical. "No," she whispers in complete horror, "they can't be. No. It…"
"They're Willowclaw's," he supplies gently, putting a paw over one of her own. He's surprised when she doesn't shake it off, just stares at it with a furrowed brow.
She looks...sad, which confuses him. Why would she be sad to know that the legacy of the tom she still loves is growing inside her? He figured she'd be happy, overjoyed, at the knowledge of kits. When reaching into her mind that evening in the forest he'd skimmed over a memory of her telling Willowclaw how much she wanted a family. It confuses him so much more. "You aren't happy?"
"No!" she's distraught, "a family is a mother, a father, and the kits. These kits will grow up without a father. They can't grow up without a father. That's not fair on them. It's not fair!"
Her rambling ends abruptly, Frozengaze resting his head on top of hers, pushing her muzzle into the fur under his chin. "Your kits will be fine," he rumbles, "you'll bring them up just fine."
For a brief moment everything is perfect to him. Icepetal is warm against his chest, gentle breaths stirring his fur, her heart beat slowing to mirror his own. He feels like he could stay like this forever, wrapped up in this she-cat that suddenly means far too much to him.
But then Icepetal is pushing away, vanishing into the cool of the throne room where he finds her curled in on herself, eyes turned towards the three thrones and full of so much pain. "I grew up without a mother, and without a father." They are the only words he hears from her for days.
She just stays curled up on the ground staring at the three thrones like they were the most important things in the whole world. He brings her prey morning and night, finding the fattest to feed not only her but the lives growing within her. It's a beautiful thing to him, the idea of new life being present in the mountain.
He supposes that he does understand where Icepetal is coming from. Worrying about the welfare of her unborn kits is a natural thing for mothers to do, but he wishes she'd understand that these kits will have him as well. He doesn't plan on leaving her side ever. Those kits will be just as important to him as she is, even if they are the kits of the tom he wishes she didn't love.
Over the course of the next moon Icepetal slowly comes back to life, but it's like their last conversation never happened. They don't ease back into the relaxed state they'd had that day on the ledge. Frozengaze feels unsettled. He wants to talk to her, want to hear everything about her. But he can't when she won't talk to him much at all.
Her stomach is no longer small, it's beginning to bulge, an ever present reminder that soon there will be little ones joining them. Whether it's the fear of going through it alone, or perhaps that she's starting to get used to him, Icepetal just stops shutting him out one evening.
"Why haven't you left?"
He stops plucking feathers from the pigeon at his paws. "What do you mean?"
"You could go anywhere in the world now that Crimson is gone, yet you've stayed here. Why?"
"There's something else keeping me here now," he replies.
She blinks, "what?"
"You," he hopes she can't see the flicker of fear, "and your kits."
"That's not the only thing. I'm not stupid, what else is keeping you here? You could see the whole world, watch the sun rise over the ocean, see it set over the mountains," she pressed.
He kept his eyes off her face, admiring the greenery tumbling from the roof of the cavern, hoping she'd just leave it alone. Yet again he had forgotten Icepetal's curiosity. "Frozengaze. Tell me."
"I'm afraid!" he shouts, "I stay here because I'm afraid of the outside world, it's a place I've never had the chance to study filled with things I don't know of. When I travelled with Crimson we had soldiers with us, protecting us from the evil of this world. But now...now I have no soldiers to protect me. All I have is myself, and I fear that's not enough to survive this world."
In the quiet that spread thickly between them he curses himself for revealing just how weak he really is. Afraid of going outside, how pathetic. What kind of ruler is too afraid to go outside? A terrible one. But he can't just hide how scared he is. Jinx had told him stories of her life, of monsters running down her friends, wild creatures with massive jaws killing her kits, other cats tearing apart her family. It had scared him. This world was so much more violent than his own.
"This world is only scary if you let it be," her breath stirs the fur near his ears. She sits beside him, gaze on the light of the setting sun streaming into the cavern. "We're all afraid of something."
"You don't seem like the type to be afraid."
She shakes her head, "I used to fear my Clan turning on me for being a rogue. I used to fear dying without accomplishing anything. I used to fear losing my siblings. I used to fear being lost in a world far too big. Now I'm just afraid for the lives I carry."
"I'll keep you safe," Frozengaze murmurs. She looks at him questioningly. "I meant it when I said I never want to hurt you. So I won't, and I'll make sure no harm will ever come to you, or your kits."
"Thank you."
They are beautiful, five tiny bundles of fur seeking the warmth of their mother's belly. Icepetal looks at them with such tenderness in her eyes that it makes Frozengaze's heart skip a beat. He'd never had any doubts about her ability to be a mother, but now he's certain she'll be the best mother these kits could ever have.
A she-kit, white coat broken up by patches of soft tabby brown, loudly announces her annoyance at still being cold. Blossomkit. A tomkit, gray and fluffy, like a cloud laden with rain, paws at his loud sister. Stormkit. Another tomkit, short brown tabby fur with a throat of white, suckles greedily. Thrushkit. A she-kit, pure white save for a spot of brown over an eye, kicks a hind-leg into her brother's stomach. Snowkit. A tomkit, white, face brown like his mother's, pushes his face hard the fur of his mother. Rainkit.
Frozengaze was never allowed to be this close to his kits. He realises that the pain in his heart now is his body telling him just how much he missed out on. Crimson kept such a wonderful thing from him, seeing his offspring moments are entering the world. Though they aren't his kits he feels the need to protect them surge through his veins. They will grow up strong.
"Would he be proud of them?" Icepetal's voice is pained, choked.
"Of course he'd be proud of them! They're beautiful, all of them. You did so well."
"I'm a mother."
He smiles at her, "does it feel good?"
"It feels like I'm finally complete," she whispers. "They're a part of me, and a part of him. A whole new generation to carry on our legacy."
The smile falters but doesn't fall. He doesn't blame her for holding onto her love for Willowclaw, nor does he blame her for not loving him. He blames himself for tearing the two apart, for ruining the chances at ever calling her his own. He loves her, more than anything, but refuses to ever tell her. She doesn't need the extra burden on her shoulders. He'll just use his love to look after her.
"Are you hungry?" Frozengaze is already halfway out the small cave, trying to swallow the hard lump forming in his throat.
He sees it, standing in the light falling through the greenery, watching him with warm amber eyes and a smile. A long, tangled tabby pelt glows and flickers with stars, though they're hard to see in the gold of the sun. His breath catches as the figure comes towards him, peering over his shoulder to look in at Icepetal and her kits. When the figure takes a step back those warm amber eyes are soft, the smile growing to a grin. "You'll do fine," it whispers, and then fades.
"Frozengaze?"
He blinks, wondering whether he might be going crazy. "Yes?"
"Are you okay?"
"Fine," he mumbles. "You're hungry, right?"
Icepetal doesn't look at him with coldness anymore. In fact, he'd even go as far to say she look at him with kindness. "Not right now. Come sit down, they should get to know their adopted father."
He looks at her with so much hope in his face, "do you mean that?"
"I do."
Four moons finds them sitting under the glow of a noon sun, in the short grass of the plains that surround one side of the mountain, keeping an eye on the kits that play rough and tumble with each other. Willowclaw watches from a little way off. He appears quite often, usually just a phantom shadow on the wall. Frozengaze never tells Icepetal, and Willowclaw never asks him to.
"Are you happy?" he asks her quietly.
"Yes," she replies, pressing into his side, sticking her head under his chin. Rainkit sleeps by her paws, the little kit exhausted after the long day. "More than happy."
Frozengaze silently agrees. The world doesn't scare him anymore.