Chapter 3: The substance of a broken heart
The weekend had started and Sakura decided to go for a walk. Yesterday's events had really been something else. Today she was wondering why she hadn't been mad at Syaoran at all. She felt that somehow she should have been but no matter how much she thought about it she could not bring herself to do it. She was still too happy that they were all in the same city again. The thought made her stomach fill up with appreciation for life. She wore a blue jean skirt with a black vest and white t-shirt along with some white flip flops. She walked by a garden filled with flowers and admired the sun glance off the many different flower petals. She walked with her fingers linked together behind her back. A breeze blew her hair away from her cheeks. She couldn't believe that the forecast for tomorrow had predicted rain. She wished the sun would never go away. Suddenly her phone started ringing in her pocket. She dug it out and looked at the number. It was Tomoyo. Sakura picked up. "Hello Mrs. Eriol." Sakura joked. Tomoyo laughed over the receiver. "Hello to you too Sakura and I told you, me and Eriol aren't doing anything but dating so stop with the marriage jokes already." She said. Sakura continued walking while still on the phone. "Ok I'm sorry. What's up?" She asked. "I want you to come over and spend time with me, Eriol and…Syaoran." Tomoyo said hesitating on the last part. "I think it's really cute that you think I'm hiding some hidden emotions for Syaoran from you. Do you really think I wouldn't come if you had just said you and Eriol?" Sakura asked blowing Tomoyo's cover. "I just want to see if you're really sure about what you're feeling. I mean, don't you think it's odd that you don't at least feel something for the guy?" Tomoyo asked. "I feel friendship toward the 'guy' Tomoyo, that's all. Why is that such a problem for you?" Sakura said with a hint of frustration in her voice. "It's not, it's just that sometimes you ignore your feelings and I don't want something crazy to happen like Syaoran suddenly gets a girlfriend and your heart is broken all over again because you realized too late that you like him still." Tomoyo said. Sakura sighed. "How about I have a talk with Syaoran about our so called "feelings"? Will that make you feel better? You can sit through the whole conversation if you like." Sakura offered. Tomoyo got quiet for a while. "Oh Sakura, why do you have to be so difficult? We aren't children anymore. I don't need to tag a long and record every little thing you do even though I do miss those days." She admitted. Sakura smiled to herself. "So do you want me to come over and hang out or not?" She asked. This time Tomoyo sighed. "I do." She said. "Then I'm on my way." Sakura said and hung up the phone.
Tomoyo could not put her finger on it but it did seem that Sakura had repressed something. She thought it was weird that now that Syaoran was back Sakura was miraculously okay with him. Over the many years that he was gone she would spend nights crying on Tomoyo's lap asking her why he wouldn't call or message her back. "What are you thinking about my love?" Eriol asked watching his girlfriend's body language. Tomoyo's eye brows were furrowed and into two pretty little arches. A delicate hand was planted softly under her chin as she leaned forward on the table where she had just got off the phone with Sakura. "I think something is up with Sakura. She's being a little too cheerful." Tomoyo said. She had on a lavender sun dress and stone encrusted sandals. Eriol took her hand and kissed it. "She's always been that way. Don't fix what's not broken. If there is something wrong I'm sure Syaoran would know how to bring it out." Eriol said nodding toward his friend sitting in Tomoyo's living room. "Why do you say that?" She asked him. "Because, I know for a fact that he still likes Sakura very much and the simple fact that she isn't mad at him is making him feel very guilty. In some ways, Sakura has punished Syaoran better than our anger could." He said. Tomoyo peered around her short sleeved shirt and short clad boyfriend to see a very perplexed Syaoran sitting on her couch. He looked rather deep in thought. Just then the doorbell rang and a butler answered the door. Next thing everyone knew, Sakura was greeting everyone cheerfully.
Syaoran felt his heart start racing and the blood rush to his cheeks. She was here. He couldn't understand why she wasn't upset with him. He stood up in his dark denim jeans and green short sleeved button up shirt with a cool blue one under it. His new gym shoes squeaked on Tomoyo's hard wood floor under his weight. He ran a masculine hand through his handsome, chocolate hair and made his way toward Sakura. She had just got finished greeting Tomoyo and Eriol. Syaoran saw that when she spotted him her eyes lit up with this happiness that made his heart hurt and his guilt rise. "Hey Syaoran." Sakura greeted him filled with this spectacular energy. "Uh, H-hey." Was all he could muster. "Alright, everyone to the living room. We have a serious situation that needs to be handled." Tomoyo said shooing everyone toward the big gorgeous room. Syaoran looked down in guilt. Sakura looked a little confused. Eriol just smiled and followed after everyone. When they finally sat down, Tomoyo wasted no time getting started. "Why'd you lie Syaoran?" She asked assertively. Syaoran clenched his jaw in shame. Sakura saw that muscle flex in his jaw and felt her heart flutter again. "I…it wasn't on purpose." He said sorrowfully. Eriol furrowed his eye brows. "I don't understand either. Did you want to disappear from everyone's lives?" He asked. Syaoran laced his fingers together and put them to his mouth while he rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. Syaoran didn't know the best way to give an answer without hurting the person his heart was so unsure about.
"He didn't do it on purpose. Give him a break. He's sorry. I don't blame you Syaoran. Caring for someone and not knowing if they'll care back as much as you do is very scary." Sakura said. Syaoran's mouth dropped open. Eriol's eyes were wide as he adjusted his glasses in a surprised manner. Tomoyo looked as if Sakura were a ghost. "That's actually some of the reason…" Syaoran finally admitted. He never took his eyes off of Sakura. When she realized that he was looking at her without fear she blushed and looked down at her hands in her lap. "What's the other half? Sakura you don't answer this time." She said in a mother like tone. Eriol continued to look at Syaoran. Syaoran sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I…figured that if Sakura really did care about me it would eventually go away if she forgot about me. So, I did do it on purpose." Sakura looked up from her hands and into Syaoran's eyes again. "You wanted me to forget you?" She questioned, as an unsure smile was still splayed across her lips but hurt deeply penetrated her eyes. "Yes." Syaoran answered. Tomoyo and Eriol both felt like this conversation was no longer going on between the four of them but between the two of them. Syaoran and Sakura were staring at each other in the most intense way that Tomoyo got up and left the room and they hadn't noticed. Eriol cleared his throat and followed suit.
Sakura knew that they had left the room. She was just stunned by the reality of what Syaoran was saying so much that she stared at him because she didn't want it to be true. Light filled the room from the giant window and everything glowed with morning light. Sakura could no longer feel the warmth however. The talk that she was having with Syaoran was bringing her back down to earth from her happy high.
Syaoran could see Sakura's smile fading. He had dreaded this day the moment he decided that coming back was the best thing for him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Sakura's feelings again. "I know it sounds bad but I just had to make sure you weren't still...attached." Syaoran said not knowing if that was the right word he wanted to use to express himself to her. Syaoran saw Sakura's closed mouthed smile redouble. She leaned back in her chair and looked down at her hands while still smiling. "To tell you the truth, I'm numb to all of this. A part of me wants to cry and be upset but I find that I can't do it. No matter how long you were away I was always going to hold that little piece of your heart that you gave me. I cherished it. I relished the memory of you and what we had as children every day. But I see now that you didn't want me to keep it. So…I'm giving back what you gave me." Sakura was still looking down at her hands. Syaoran felt like his heart really had been given back to him. It had been lovingly forced back into his chest cavity by a girl who had done better by it than he had. This time Sakura looked up and smiled at Syaoran until her eyes closed and a lone tear escaped one of her pretty eyes and slid down her cheek. Syaoran's heart ripped in half at the speed that that one tear fell. Sakura sniffed, wiped it away and pretended like nothing ever happen. "Sakura I-" But she didn't let him finish. She cheerfully stood up and said, "I think I'll go find Tomoyo and tell her that the talk is over and that we have finally resolved this eleven year old issue." Syaoran's eyebrows furrowed in frustration. He felt like Sakura was cutting things short. He wasn't really ready to stop the talk but he couldn't find the words he needed to continue so he deftly watched her walk through the thresh hold. Before she walked all the way through it, she stopped and Syaoran saw Sakura turn her head toward him. The last thing she said to him was, "Please be happy now." That made him feel worse.
When Sakura met back up with Tomoyo and Eriol in the kitchen they couldn't tell how things went. Sakura walked in just as cheerful as ever but when Syaoran walked in some minutes later he looked like he had lost his best friend. He took a seat on a mauve stool next to Eriol and continued to look down. "So are things solved now?" Eriol asked not knowing what to make of the situation. Syaoran stayed silent. He could feel pain in his heart still. If things had been solved he'd feel better but instead he felt worse. To Tomoyo's surprise Sakura wasn't cheery enough to give an answer for the question. Instead she happily changed the subject. "There's a light show at the park tonight. I heard it was going to be the best one yet." She chirped. "That sounds like a wonderful idea Sakura." Eriol said encouraging the change of subject. Tomoyo looked at him incredulously until he winked at her then she decided to play a long too. "Uh, yeah it does sound cool. Syaoran, would you like to go with all of us?" Tomoyo asked. "Yeah I'll go." He said looking toward Sakura with his head down. He really did feel like he didn't get his point across a moment ago. He needed more time with Sakura. Tomoyo looked surprised again. Syaoran wasn't running from Sakura but running to a situation with Sakura. She looked at Eriol and gave him a "not bad" look. He replied back with a "thank you" look.
They had all promised to meet at the park at eight but when Sakura rounded the corner and saw the very entrance to Reedington Park she no longer had the heart to keep her appointment. She could feel all of her old pain swelling in her heart. She leaned against a nearby wall. I don't know what to do now. I set this entire thing up and I can't even follow through. I have to figure out what went wrong. How did I let myself slip back into this hurt, she thought to herself and started aimlessly walking in the opposite direction.
Tomoyo looked at her watch. It was eight fifteen and Sakura still hadn't arrived. "I see that she still hasn't conquered the clock yet." Syaoran joked. Eriol chuckled. "It would seem so." He said but Tomoyo wasn't buying it. Something was wrong and she could feel it in her stomach. "She hasn't been late for anything since the year you left." She said. "That's a feat within itself." Eriol said now starting to worry now too. Syaoran didn't say anything. "I'll give her five more minutes but after that we're all going to look for her." Tomoyo said. And sure enough those five minutes passed like wild fire and everyone began looking for Sakura. Syaoran felt himself secretly hoping that he would find her first.
Sakura's feet led her to a wall on the other side of her neighborhood. There, she sat down and let her weary feet and mind rest. The stars were out now and she could see down the hill that the wall was on, an open expanse of grass that led to a road, and then a lake. The road led to the downtown area that sparkled like bubbles and crystals when the light hits them. The wind blew softly and Sakura began to reminisce. Little memories began to surface on the window of her mind like a fog was lifting. Memories of Syaoran's teddy bear and the many times they had hung out as just friends came first. Then the other memories of how he started acting strange came about and then the one when he finally told her how he was feeling. Before she could fully grasp the very last memory of him as he was leaving she began to cry.
Syaoran got two messages that the others weren't having any luck finding Sakura and no one could reach her because her phone was off. After an hour of looking Syaoran felt like giving up too but something told him to go and keep looking. So, he went home and got in one of his luxury cars and began to drive around. At first he started off looking for Sakura again but then his mind began to wonder and he ended up on the road to the city. This was the same road that Sakura was perched above on a wall. As Syaoran realized that he was on his way downtown he looked up to see if there were any signs so he could turn around but as soon as he did this he spotted a girl up on a wall atop a hill. "Sakura?" Syaoran questioned to himself.
"Still haven't reached her yet?" Eriol asked the beautiful worrying young woman sitting next to him. "It's weird. She looked fine earlier. Syaoran was the one whom I expected to disappear, not her." She said laying her head on Eriol's shoulder. They sat in Tomoyo's living room again; watching a television show that neither of them was paying attention to. Eriol put his arm around Tomoyo and hugged her close. "I hope she shows up to school Monday. I can't stand to see you so upset." He said kissing her forehead. Tomoyo wrapped an arm around his torso and moved her head to his chest. She rubbed him lovingly and sighed. "I'm sorry. I'll cheer up when we find her." Tomoyo said.
When the tears stopped flowing as much, Sakura looked up from her arms and into the sky. Unbeknownst to her, someone else was there with her, standing, hidden between two buildings that opened to the grassy hill top and wall that Sakura simultaneously sat upon. Sakura sighed deeply. "Oh mom, what do I do? Why does my heart hurt so much? We've talked about this so many times before. We worked through this before. When he first came back, mom, I was so happy. Like my best friend had returned. But after that talk, I guess I never thought he'd feel…" But Sakura didn't finish her sentence. A whole new round of tears came about. This time she bawled out loud. Her heart seemed to strain from pain and her eyes became sore from clenching them so tightly.
Syaoran felt his heart break ten times over. She was talking to her dead mother about him. She was crying her heart out because of what he said and he couldn't stand it anymore. He stepped out beyond the buildings slowly and apprehensively to where Sakura sat crying. He clenched his fists and his jaw trying to keep his own emotions in check. Everything that was going on inside himself was conflicting. He was so hurt that he wanted to run away but his heart told him to go to Sakura despite what his brain was saying. Reason was screaming that going to her now would split them farther apart somehow but every other fiber of his being said the opposite so he let his legs decide for him.
The moment Sakura realized that someone was walking up behind her she turned around. She was disheartened and mortified to see that Syaoran Li was the one who found her. If she was going to be found by anyone at all, it could have at least been Tomoyo.
Syaoran saw this fear cross Sakura's face like he had found out one of her deepest darkest secrets. She looked as if she took a deep breath and never exhaled it. Her eyes were wide with shock and glittered green and silver from her tears. Her cheeks were flushed the strongest red he had ever seen. Her hands and her lips were clenched in tension to the point of no relief. He thought that speaking would relieve some of that so he did. "Sakura." He said almost timidly. As soon as the voice vibrations hit the air Sakura took off.
Her heart was pounding in her ears and her throat. The wind whipped by her as she rounded the corner and made a mad dash for her house. All she could think as her legs pushed her along was how to get away from Syaoran Li; how to get away from the pain in her heart and how to get away from her feelings.
That Monday, Tomoyo found Sakura sitting in her normal spot in the class room. "How come you didn't call me last night or the night before? What happened to you? Are you okay?" Tomoyo asked full of relief and worry at the same time. Today she had on a simple blue jean skirt, blue elbow hoody, black tank top and flip flops. Sakura smiled weakly at her friend. Her heart was still hurting. It had been hurting all night and even when she woke up. Before she could answer Syaoran and Eriol walked in. Sakura made no attempt to look toward them. Her bangs were swooped to one side today and kept this way with a plain silver clip. She had on a white beater some blue jeans and some flip flops. On her wrist was a silver bracelet. She lowered her voice and told Tomoyo some of what happened.
As Syaoran walked into the classroom he immediately saw Sakura and Tomoyo. Other people began to trail in behind him and Eriol. Syaoran had on a black t-shirt and some green shorts. Eriol wore dark blue jeans, white gym shoes and a burgundy shirt. Eriol made his way to Tomoyo and they began to talk. Syaoran inhaled and built up some courage. Then made his way up the steps to where Sakura was sitting. He cleared his throat. "Um, Sakura, can we talk later?" Syaoran asked trying his best to sound confident. "Sorry, I have to work today and Tomoyo and I have something planned later." She said, never looking his way. Syaoran leaned a little closer. He really didn't want anyone to hear him. "When will you be free then? I think it's obvious that we haven't solved anything about now and the past." He said very softly so only she could hear. "I'll let you know." Sakura said. Syaoran couldn't say anything else because the teacher began to talk which meant it was time for him to take his seat. As class went on, Syaoran found himself glancing over at Sakura every chance he could get. She still looked so sad and he couldn't help but feel like it was his fault. All he could think about was what he could do to fix his relationship with Sakura. Even if it meant just being associates for the rest of their lives he had to try.
Eriol found that he couldn't pay attention to the lecture with Syaoran glancing over every two minutes. "What's going on Syaoran? You aren't focusing." Eriol said quietly to his friend. "I found Sakura that night we couldn't find her." Syaoran said. "Why didn't you tell us?" Eriol asked. "Because, she ran away as soon as I found her. Something happened when we talked the day before yesterday. She won't give me the time of day. It's like something snapped inside her and no one else can fix it but me." He said. Eriol sighed. "So what are you going to do about this?" He asked. Syaoran looked pleadingly at Eriol. "I need a favor." Syaoran said. "No. I refuse to help you. This is your mess." He said. "I know but I really need this one favor. Sakura said that she and Tomoyo have something planned tonight. Instead of meeting up with Tomoyo I want her to meet up with me. Can you get Tomoyo in on the plan? I know she won't say no to you." Syaoran said. Eriol looked thoughtfully at his friend. It was a good plan and it didn't require that much help. Eriol sighed again. "Alright but this is the only time I'll help you. You have to take better care of the people you care about." Eriol said. Syaoran blushed a little.
After the core class, everyone went on to their desired course classes for their separate majors. When the day was over Sakura made her way to her job at the ice cream parlor. She put down her things in the back room and put on a vintage, red and white apron. The air conditioner was on high and little goose bumps danced up her arms. Eriol walked in a moment later. Sakura was pleasantly surprised. "Hey Eriol, are you ready for some ice cream already?" She asked. Eriol walked up to the counter and laughed. "Yeah, I guess you could say that. Tomoyo wanted a specific flavor before we hung out later. So how are you today Sakura? Still having heart pains?" Eriol asked. He knew what the pain from someone's feelings could do to one's face and Sakura had it written all over hers. He could tell that something was taking a big toll on her regular cheerful nature. Sakura blushed. "How-how did you know?" She asked feeling weird that he could read her so well. "It's in your eyes and you haven't been acting normally." He said simply. Sakura sighed. "Have you ever thought that you were completely over something and had forgotten all about it to later realize that maybe you weren't as over it as you thought?" She asked. "Does this 'something' have to do with Syaoran?" Eriol questioned back. Sakura slouched on the counter. "I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I've relapsed back into the sniveling little girl from all those years ago." She said unhappily. "You seem to need closure Sakura. It seems that things aren't solved when you ignore them or act as if they don't exist. It's bad for your health to hold things in." Eriol said feeling his concern for her flow from his heart. "Really? I didn't know that." She said lifting herself off the counter and feeling as if she learned something detrimental to her life. "Well promise me one thing." Eriol said before he asked Sakura for the ice cream Madison wanted. "Sure. What is it?" She asked. "You're one of my good friends so take better care of your heart. Solve this problem with Syaoran. Be happy." He said. Sakura was surprised. Eriol looked as though he meant everything he said. It made her wonder what he had been through those many years he was away in England.
"I hope Sakura doesn't get mad at me for this." Tomoyo worried out loud. Eriol took her hand. "Don't worry. She could never be upset with you." He said reassuringly. Tomoyo smiled at Eriol and then sent a text to her friend for her to meet at the park as usual.
After work, Sakura got the message and headed home to change for her night out with Tomoyo. She put on black beater with sparkles on the front, a dark denim skirt and some black flip flops. After she was sure she was ready she made her way to the park. As soon as she arrived she saw that Tomoyo wasn't there so she texted her. She felt someone tap her on her shoulder. She was sure it was Tomoyo, so she smiled as she turned around but, as soon as she saw who it was the smile faded. "Don't be upset. I asked her to do this for me. She's not coming so you're going to have to spend some time with me. We need closure Sakura." Syaoran said. Sakura had half a mind to run away again but the word "closure" reminded her of what Eriol said in the shop earlier that day. "Ok. Where do we go from here?" She asked. Syaoran looked shocked for a moment and then looked relieved. "How about we go to my house?" He said. "Ok," was all Sakura said.
Syaoran felt his palms sweat as he drove her to his house. He hadn't had anyone over since he got back two days ago. But all he could think of was fixing whatever he had broken inside of Sakura. When they arrived they both got out of the car and entered into Syaoran's home. Sakura made sure to follow Syaoran until they reached his pleasant looking living room. It was big but modern and cozy. As she made herself comfortable Syaoran shut the huge sliding doors to ensure absolute privacy. Sakura blushed and thought how ironic the situation seemed. It was like they were on a date but for all the wrong reasons. Syaoran took a seat on his dark green couch next to her. Sakura scooted away. "How long have you been telling your mother about me?" He asked without warning. Sakura frowned. "That's none of your business." She said sternly. "It is my business. That's how I know I've hurt you because you went to her." He said matter-of-factly. Sakura was getting upset. She crossed her arms and turned the other way. "I've talked to her about you since you left." She retorted. Syaoran stood up and made his way to the other side of the couch and forced himself into her view. She made a disapproving noise and turned the other way so Syaoran went back to where he was sitting in the first place and took hold of her wrist. "If we're going to solve this you have to talk to me. Not the wall or the floor or the window. Me." He said. Sakura could feel tears threatening to come out of her eyes. She clenched her mouth and eyes shut. Syaoran could see all her pain surfacing. "I don't care what you do to me Sakura just do whatever makes you feel better." He said. Suddenly Syaoran felt her forcefully snatch her arm away from his grasp, and a sharp pain run through his cheek. She stood up and began yelling at him. "How could you leave and not ever talk to me again? Was I that terrible of a person? Do you know how bad you hurt me? To this day I'm still crying over you and you're here! What sense does that make? I mean, I still care about you and I don't even know why! Then when you come back you tell me to my face that you didn't want me to find you! How inconsiderate is that? I was in love with you Syaoran! I loved you! You couldn't possibly have felt the same way about me! You are the most inconsiderate, self-centered person I have ever met and I regret ever caring about you!" When she finished her hands were balled up tightly and tears were flowing freely from her green eyes. She was staring hard back at Syaoran with all her pain directed toward him. She waited for a reply. Anything to see if he could compensate for all the pain he had caused her.
Syaoran looked shocked. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. When he realized nothing came out his mouth, he looked down at the floor and clenched his jaw together trying to hold back his own pain. She had not only liked him but had loved him. That was the biggest blow Syaoran had ever taken in his life. Just as suddenly as she had released her fury on him she was opening the living room doors and walking out. Syaoran's heart nearly fell out his chest as he got up and ran after her. When she reached the drive way he had finally caught up to her. "Sakura wait!" He shouted after her. She turned around still filled with anger with her arms crossed. "What?" She shouted back crossly. Syaoran was taken aback again. She had never reacted like that to him ever. "I'm sorry. I-I didn't know that I had meant that much to you." He said pleading with every word how ignorant he had been. "How many other girls have you dated besides me?" She asked. "Sakura, what does that have to do wi-" But she cut him off. "I haven't been able to move on since you left me! So tell me now! How many girls have you dated after you left me?" She yelled with more tears falling now. Again she stomped on his heart with eleven year fury. He couldn't possibly lie and tell her that he hadn't been on a countless number of dates with a bunch of beautiful women his age. Syaoran sighed. He knew that this was going to end even worse than it had begun. "I…can't remember. There were…too many." He admitted and hated himself as soon as the words hit the air. Sakura laughed sarcastically. "Great." She said and began walking away. "Sakura please, I thought that you would have stopped caring for me by then." Syaoran said. He felt like crying. "Look Syaoran, now that we've talked, your mission has been accomplished. No more caring, no more love and definitely no more Sakura." She said. He watched her leave and stood helplessly on his rich lawn.