The glorious circular office hadn't seen it's master, Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts, for nearly two weeks now. He had been dealing with top secret Order business that required his attention. Unfortunately, his absence left two two rather intelligent beings alone with nothing to do. These beings were the headmasters familiar, the magnificent Phoenix Fawkes, and the ancient magical artifact known as the sorting hat. Bothe of these individuals were very intelligent and highly magical being were bored. And boredom does not mix well with magic and intelligence.
"Bird, I am bored, any ideas that would liven up this musty old office?" The ancient hat spoke to the magnificent red and gold bird. "Cooo" the bird answered (the hat, being a magical being capable of telepathic speech, understood the bird even if others only heard nonsensical coooing.). The hat understood this coo to mean *Yes, I do have some ideas*.
"Well then bird, what are they? Eh? And can you get me off of this damm shelf? I grow tired of the same view day after day."
In response the bird flapped his glorious long wings, taking flight. It flew over to the mahogany shelf where the hat rested and plucked it up. Hat tightly gripped in claws, it flew to the matching mahogany desk, depositing it there.
"Coooo, cooo co" the bird tweeted. The hat understood that the bird was saying *Ya, the old coot has a store of firewhiskey in the cabinet! Let's get drunk!*
"Excellent idea bird! Bring on the cheers!"
Two hours later the headmaster arrived, at long last, back to his beloved school. His mission had been long and hard, and he was looking forward to a nice, cold glass of firewhiskey. He had a bottle of Merlin's Finest firewhiskey bottled in 1896. It would be simply decadent, having matured for so long.
As he walked up the spiral stairs to his office he heard a strange sound. It sounded like a cat was dying and a madman singing at the same time. He quickly whipped his wand out and trained it at the door, ready for anything.
"ALOHOMORA" he shouted, and the door flew open. And inside he found...
His familiar and the ancient sorting hat, perched on his fine desk with his bottle of fine firewhiskey, empty he noted, lying on it's side between the two. The sound he had heard was his bird trilling and the hat singing the ridiculous drunkard song "Odo's Hero".
"And Odooooo the heroooooo, they boooore him *hic* back hooome
Toooo the place that he'd *belch* known as a l-l-lad,
Tay laid him toooo rest with his haaaat inside oooout- how r-r-rude! Miztratmant to *Burp* haaats! Soo unnessidary!
And his wand snapped in twoooo, which was sad. NOT"
The headmaster slowly shook his head as he closed the door. He would just leave those two alone for now. As he wandered down the stairs, he pondered if Snape would let him borrow some of his whiskey stash, the man was mighty protective of his booze after all.
Alas, I do not own harry potter. If I did I would be a millionaire. Which I am not.