"HA, HA, HA, HA! No!" Dr. Membrane laughed.
"But you must change your mind!" Zim wailed.
"I'm sorry hideous green child, but the matter is not open for discussion! This was decided long ago, BEFORE THE DAWN OF TIME ITSELF." He cleared his throat. "…Or at least, since last Tuesday."
Zim folded his arms, glancing around the primative lab as he continued.
"The deal was made with an old buddy of mine. He's a bit of an old-fashioned ninny, but his technology combined my brilliance could change the world as we know it! But he will only consider it if Dib marries his daughter."
The father had even encouraged the boy early on with a picture of the unsightly baby and he laughed to himself at the memory.
"So that's the way it is. I told Dib before that time he may go gallivanting about as much as he wishes, but enough is enough! Dib has a responsibility to uphold the family name. It's time to put an end to this paranormal nonsense of his." He shook his head. "Always with the paranormal, that boy."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Zim replied in a loss of interest.
Dr. Membrane turned back to his work. "It would be different if Dib had a girlfriend or something. But girlfriend?" He exploded into laughter. "That's a joke! He doesn't have any friends whatsoever! Closing him off from society is just what he needs!"
Zim's thoughts snapped back to his purpose, and a hyperventilating sound escaped him, realizing he was losing this argument.
"BUT-! I'm his boy—" Zim twirled his hand absently. "—friend.Doesn't that count for anything?"
Dr. Membrane stopped.
Zim grimaced as soon as the vile notion left his mouth.
Friend. Dib. Disgusting.
But sometimes sacrifices had to be made. And he remained hopeful. It seemed his passionate speech had an effect this time.
"What?!" The professor spun around, dramatically studying him. "…Is this true?!"
Zim glanced around uncomfortably. "…Yes?"
All at once the professor seemed in a daze.
Though Zim supposed the idea of Dib having friends was rather unbelievable.
Still, he wished to hurry this along.
"Um, sir? Does this mean you will reconsider?"
The professor was silent for a moment. "I confess I had no idea."
"….Sooo that's a yes then?"
Dr. Membrane nodded numbly. "It looks like I don't have much of a choice in the matter."
An uncomfortable silence took the air. And Zim looked around awkwardly, scratching his butt.
"Well… I'll just be going then." He turned to leave.
"WAIT!" Dr. Membrane called. "My son... is he that important to you?"
Zim cackled aloud. "Important?! For a human meat slave he will be...! Er, I mean… yes! Oh, oh yes! Dib means all of… eh, everything to me! I… I don't know where I would be without that giant, hideous meat sack of a head of his."
"I see. So this engagement has been nothing but troublesome for the two of you."
"Glad you understand. As a matter of fact, the very idea of him going away is… eh, enough to break my heart," he lied thickly. "I just couldn't bear it!"
Zim threw his arms up dramatic swoon, cracking an eye open only to gauge the effect of his acting.
The professor lowered his eyes. "I will definitely think it over."
"Excellent." Satisfied his mission was complete, and disengaged of all interest, Zim marched high out of the vicinity.
As usual, Zim was victorious! Genius, even!
The foolish worm child wouldn't even know what hit him.

~oOo~
"It's nice that you got the time off work to eat with us, dad!" Dib remarked in between chews.
"Ha, ha, ha. Yep." Dr. Membrane laughed nervously.
"Just… pass the potatoes," Gaz growled, but her voice was completely devoid of malice.
She would never express it, but she was very much enjoying the impromptu family dinner.
Dib did as well. It was somewhat rare for them to eat as a family like this. And usually it was always penciled in his schedule.
He almost wondered what had gone on in the labs to warrant it.
For a while, they all sat in relatively normal silence.
And then it was slaughtered.
"Sooo... Dib, your boyfriend came over to talk to me today."
Dib stopped eating and cocked his head. "Pardon?"
"Called it." Gaz chewed.
Dib shot a glare across the table and cleared his throat, confused. "Dad, you said 'boyfriend'. I don't—"
"You don't have to put up a front, son," he interrupted. "I always knew you were a bit obsessed with the foreign green boy. Honestly, it's my fault for not noticing it sooner."
"Foreign green…?" His eyes flew open in realization. "ZIM?!"
"Ah, yes, Zim. I should probably be calling him by his real name now."
Dib went pale. He could feel his brain malfunction, but all that came out of him was an incoherent squeak.
"Anyway, Zim came over and told me everything. He's given me a lot to think about."
Dib stared numbly into space. "What… did he say, exactly?"
Dr. Membrane shifted uncomfortably in his seat, but raised his eyes to his son. "He apparently loves you deeply and would be heartbroken to see you married to someone else…"
After that, all he heard was noise.
His brain broke. His brain broke in a way that would send the strongest man into fits of sick, or hurling off cliffs.
Gaz grinned maliciously. "Called it."
Dib's eye twitched.
"Anyway, I ended up promising the boy I would think about your future arrangements a little more carefully. He was very upset."
Sarcasm bubbled from the insanity. "Zim was upset." He looked up. "Dad, can you excuse me for a moment?"
"Of course," Dr. Membrane replied.
Dib calmly got to his feet, traveling with heavy legs out to the phone in the living room hall. And dialed a single number.
~oOo~
Zim held his hands behind his back, a small squid in each fist.
Gir and Minimoose were settled in on the couch with their flash cards, proper, and ready to be judge-y.
The Irken eyed them critically. His newest plan was already super perfect and amazing but… he just couldn't decide between the purple squid or the orange one. He was counting on his henchman. He needed complete focus.
He grunted and held up the orange squid first.
The verdict was a 6 from Gir. And a 4 from Minimoose.
Truth be told, Zim was a little flabbergasted at the result. He thought the orange one was much, much worthier than a 4, but he hid it away, interrupted by the annoying phone sound.
He plodded over quickly and snatched it from the receiver.
"Hello?"
"WHAT ON NEPTUNE DID YOU DO?!"
Zim flinched. "There is hardly a reason to yell, Stink-meat. What do you want?"
"Zim! What did you tell my dad?! Why does he think we're in a relationship?!"
He raised an eye ridge. "I don't know what you're talking about, but I did speak to your parental unit earlier today and it looks like I solved the issue completely! Though I knew I would."
Zim grinned and crossed his ankles, smug at all his cleverness. "You owe me for your newfound freedom, Stink. No board skool. No squishy mate larva..."
"Zim, you told my dad that YOU were my mate!"
"I did no such thing!" he snapped. "Besides that's impossible. I am way out of your league."
"THAT IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE!" Dib wailed. "Look, my life is already weird and complicated enough without my dad thinking I'm-! Without throwing this in the mix." He glared into the phone. "—And… by the way, if I wanted you, I'd totally have you."
Zim buffed his nails derisively. "Not if you were the last bipedal meat carcass this side of Borjin 9."
Dib was about to retort, but was interrupted.
"Is that Zim?"
Dib started, not hearing his father come up behind him, though Zim recognized the voice easily.
"Tell him I want him over for dinner tomorrow night," Dr. Membrane ordered. "I need to speak to you both. It's mandatory!"
"Eeagh!" Zim panicked. "Tell him I don't want to be dinner!"
"You're not going to be dinner. He wants you to come over to talk, you moron!"
"Good," Dr. Membrane said. "It's a date then." And before Dib could blink, he had exited the hall.
"Dad…" He did a double-take. "Date?!"
"Date? …What?"
Zim's eyes suddenly widened. The pieces of the situation fitting themselves together in his head. And he screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
It nearly blew out the speakers of the phone. Actually, he was pretty sure the whole planet could hear it.
"HE… HE'S SERIOUS!"
Dib threw up his arms. "Oh, now you get it!"
"What are we going to do?! I don't want to be your mate! Undo this! HURRY UP AND UNDO THIS HORRIBLE THING!"
"I can't! I don't wanna go to boarding school!"
"I am not getting pulled into one of your problems!"
"You did this to yourself!"
"GIR, FETCH ME THE BUCKEEEEET!" Zim yelled behind him.
"Oh, man." Dib ran a hand through his hair, wracking his brain for an answer in a panic. "Okay. Okay we're going to have to meet somewhere and come up with some kind of plan—"
He was interrupted by the obvious sound of Zim vomiting.
"We'll meet up tonight," he insisted. "I'll sneak over to your base later tonight. If we both work together, maybe we can both get what we want."
Zim retched the last of his sick. "…Fine."
"Okay… good." Dib said, relieved. "See you tonight."