Previously on Wait A Lifetime
This isn't my story. It's hers.
The hybrid flew forward, the driver's side of the car colliding with the large truck. The sound was deafening.
"What are his chances of waking up?" "We can't know for sure."
Dealing with this situation makes it real. And if this is real, then I am losing Ricky. And without Ricky, I am dead.
"Did they tell him about Ricky?" "Matthew Felps had no comment Amy. I'm sorry."
"I want to cover all your medical expenses." "Leo, I can't let you do that!"
Nora stands in the doorway, panting heavily. She is crying.
"It's going to be okay," Margaret whispers. "It's going to be okay."
It's somewhere between 3 and 4 in the afternoon by the time Margaret returns me to my room. I sit on my bed, wrapped in several blankets. The sun shining through the window's frayed curtains passes over the room in thin rays and it's almost 5 o'clock when it finally falls on me. My eyes hurt as they catch the light and I blink away the discomfort while my phone, sitting on my bed's side table, starts to vibrate. My ribs hurt as I pull away from the sun, and I cringe as I reach for my buzzing phone. Swallowing nervously, I cast my eyes on the call display. It's Ben.
I take a quick breath before answering, knowing the call will fall to voice mail at any second.
"Ben?" I say, accepting the call and bringing it to my ear.
At first there is no response, just static. Then his voice crackles through. "Amy?… Amy?"
"Hi…" I mumble. I'm not too surprised that he is calling. The fact that he has waited this long to call is unusual for him.
"Can you hear me okay? I'm at my base. Had to ask for special privilege to use the phone. Can you hear me? Amy?"
"Yes," I swallow. "I can hear you."
"I just heard. How are you? Are you okay?"
"What kind of question is that Ben? Of course I'm not okay!"
"Sorry - I didn't mean-"
I shake my slightly. "No. I'm sorry… That wasn't… umm… I'm managing."
"I wish I could be there."
"Trust me. You do not want to be here."
I hear Ben start to sniffle over the line before some more static blows in my ear. "I'm so sorry Amy."
"It's good for you I suppose. Now I have reason to leave him and fall into your arms like you always wanted."
He's quiet for a moment. "That isn't what I want Amy. How could you-"
Guilt instantly pains me. "Sorry. I didn't mean it… I'm just at my limits, that's all."
"Its okay. I understand. It's not like I haven't been there before."
"I just don't know where to go from here. He's my everything…like how do I go on Ben? How? I'm not strong enough!"
"Yes!" He shouts into the phone. "Yes you are! You're Amy Juergens! It isn't going to be easy, but it's possible. You can do this!"
"No Ben. I can't."
"Amy you don't have a choice…"
I don't respond.
"I didn't mean to upset you.. I just had to call and.."
"I get it. It's okay. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it means a lot to me that you called."
I can overhear some shouting in the background. Ben mumbles something to someone before answering me. "I'll be home as soon as I can."
"Stay safe okay? I don't need another person to worry about."
"You have my word Amy Juergens. Bye."
"Bye," I say as the line goes dead.
I slip my phone back onto the night table and fold into sobs. Tears stream down my face, and my ribs scream in agony as I practice constricted breaths. I cross my arms over my chest and grip my shoulders. Why Ricky? I think repeatedly, rocking myself long into the night, Why?
It's the start of a new month when I wake up the next morning, and over 48 hours since the accident. I get discharged as of 10:15 am today, at which point my dad will drive me to my apartment to help me clean up before bringing the kids home. I'm still undecided as to whether I should let John see Ricky. According to my mom, he hasn't stopped asking about his dad, and I know that his imagination must be running in a million different directions.
Standing up seems almost impossible. I am easily in more pain than I was yesterday, probably because of how little I rested. Sitting up is as far as I can go, and I have to call a nurse to help me change out of my gown. When she enters my room, she greets me with a sincere smile and I cringe. I'm like Ricky in the way that I have come to hate the sympathy of others. I point my nurse towards the clothes piled on my couch and moan in almost intolerable pain as she eases me out of my gown.
Almost ten minutes after first paging for help, I am dressed in grey sweat pants, Ugg knock offs, a baggy gym t shirt from Grant high and a black zip up. The brace that just moments ago held my dislocated leg has been removed, and I am starting to ache. As my nurse adjusts the cast around my wrist, it dawns on me that the sweater I am wearing actually belongs to Ricky. My dad must have grabbed it in his haste, and Ricky is notorious for hanging up clothes in the wrong closet.. or at least he was.
Too sore to even fathom wheeling myself to Ricky's room, I have to ask my nurse to take me instead. She once again fulfills my request with a grin.
On Monday, I no longer wanted to live. Yesterday, I didn't think I could. Today, I feel like I can. Or at least I do until I am pushed into place next to Ricky. His skin is a deep shade of purple today and some glass and gravel is poking its way out of his flesh. His nose is still a discoloured shade of black and profusely swollen. If his mouth wasn't open, he wouldn't be able to breathe. His head is still bandaged, but the gauze is noticeably cleaner. They must have changed it. His legs hang at a lower position, and a layer of wrap around his chest has been removed. I can faintly make out the scarring across his torso.
"Hi.. Hi," I stammer as the nurse clicks on the breaks to my chair. She pats my shoulder before returning to her work. "It's me… umm.. Amy."
It occurs to me in this moment that I am about to have my first conversation with my husband since the accident. My hands quiver slightly. I grab his left one before continuing on.
"It's Wednesday today. May first actually. I'm kind of happy about that I guess. I mean April was great… up until… but May is a fresh start in a way. You know?"
No. He doesn't know. He will never know.
"Can you hear me in there? They said they don't know for sure. Well, I mean, Scott did. That's what he wants us, I mean me, to call him. His real name's Dr. Thompson. He seems nice. He knows his shit as you would say. So there's that."
I let go of his hand for a moment to brush my bangs from my eyes. "If you can hear me though, feel free to squeeze my hand at any time okay? I'm here for you Ricky. I'm not going anywhere. Now and forever. Just like we promised."
I relax my shoulders. The worst is over. Talking to him is easier than I expected. It's almost comforting. Almost.
"I'm thinking about bringing John by later. He hasn't seen you yet, and I don't really want to… umm.. I don't know.. upset you… but you aren't looking too good." I stifle a nervous giggle. "I'm sorry. It's not funny…" I say, my smile bending into a frown as my eyes well with tears. "You got yourself pretty messed up Ricky, and I honestly don't know if you are going to be okay. You look…. and umm your head… and… I'm so sorry honey. I wish I could hug you and rock you and kiss you and stroke your hair and make it all better but I can't. I can't do those things! I can barely touch you! And I definitely cannot make it better. I don't know how!"
My voice falls into a whisper, that, if he is listening, only he can hear. "I don't know how to make this better. What am I going to do Ricky? How do I go on with out you? How do I raise our kids? How do they grow up without a dad? How-," I break into sobs.
There are too many questions and barely any answers.
"You know how much I love you right? I said it enough right?"
I stare at him, waiting for him to answer.
"I don't care what happens as long as you know that I love you. And that you know I always will."
I stare at him for a long time after that. He exchanges shallow breaths, his chest slowly rising and falling as he breathes. The morning light peeking through his curtain makes him look younger. He seems at peace.
His throat caught his breaths as he slept, making him snore loudly. It was a Saturday. Normally Ricky would be working at the butcher shop, but it was January and flu-season and he had fallen ill. John, two years old, coping with a fever similar to Ricky's, had fallen asleep on his dad's chest. The two lay on the couch in the living room of his parent's house.
"Oh my gosh.." Amy whispered, stepping into the living room, "how cute are you two?"
She bent over John, feeling his forehead before kissing it. "Hi baby."
She moved onto Ricky, sitting down on the coffee table next to the sofa as she began to stroke his curls. He was warmer than his son. She frowned. "Honey?" she chimed quietly. He didn't stir.
Amy giggled. She traced her hand over his cheek, smiling as he smirked in his sleep. Always ticklish, she thought to herself as she brushed over his ear. Ricky slipped his right hand off of John's back to nudge Amy's hand away. He continued sleeping, still not awake.
"Okay then," Amy said out loud as she bit her lip. She leaned into Ricky and placed her lips on his. His warmth radiated into her mouth. She kissed him once. Then twice. He reciprocated on the third and blinked several times as he awoke. His face was struck with confusion and as he began to recognize his surroundings, he smiled.
"Did it hurt?" He whispered groggily.
Amy paused, "did what hurt?"
"When you fell from heaven?"
Amy held back her laughter and punched her boyfriend in the shoulder. "Shut up."
Ricky giggled into a cough. Amy pursed her lips.
"How are you feeling honey?"
"Like.. s h i t…" He groaned, not wanting to swear in front of John, even if he was asleep.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Lean back down for a second."
"Whyyy?" Amy chuckled.
"No, I just want to see something," replied Ricky.
Amy leaned back into him slowly. He kissed her, forcing a moan from her mouth before stopping.
"There," he said as she stretched back up, "I am all better."
"You're an ass sometimes," Amy giggled, "a really cute one too."
"But you love me right?"
Amy shook her head, "I can't imagine a world without you."
Eventually, staring at Ricky becomes overwhelming and suffocating and I need to leave. I ask a nurse to take me back down to my floor, and re-visit my room to find four new voice mail messages on my phone alongside over 32 texts. I haven't touched my phone since my talk with Ben, and with footage of our accident being played relentlessly on every local station, it is no wonder I have so many people trying to contact me.
I unhook my phone from it's charger. It is 9:58 am. My dad will be here in ten minutes to release me. Seeing as it seems there will never ever be a good time to have to deal with all these people, I sigh and dial my voice mail.
You have 4 new messages.
First unheard message.
"Amy? It's Lauren. I just heard. Oh my gosh are you okay? How's Ricky? Are the kids okay? The news said they weren't in the car. They weren't in the car right Amy? Look, I know you're busy, and I know we haven't talked in a while, but Amy… I'm here for you okay? Whatever you need, please, just let me know. Call me as soon as you can okay? Call me!"
End of unheard message.
Second unheard message.
"Amy! Oh my Gosh- it's Madison! Lauren just told me! Oh my - can't believe this happened to you! How are you doing? How's Ricky? Are the kids okay? We're here for you Ames. All of us. My gosh… Call me okay? I'm really worried! Call me!"
End of unheard message.
Third unheard message.
"Amy? It's me, Grace. My mom just told me. I'm so so sorry Amy. I can't believe… I'm just so sorry. How are you doing? How is Ricky doing? How's John? Look, I know it seems like this shouldn't be happening, but we need to put our trust in God right now okay? This is his plan, I really believe that. Call me when you can okay? I'm so so sorry. I'll be praying for you. Bye."
End of unheard message.
Fourth unheard message.
"Ames? Its Ashley. Mom and dad just called. I can't stop shaking. They told me everything… I'm so sorry Amy. Call me when you get this okay? Please Amy. Don't shut me out. Not this time. Please. I love you. Call me!"
End of unheard messages.
I stand behind my dad on the porch to my condo, shivering in Ricky's sweater. It's a California spring, and yet, I'm freezing. I stay balanced on my left leg so I can hold my right one slightly above the ground. It is throbbing in pain.
"How's your leg feeling?" My dad mutters to me under his breath as he struggles to unlock the front door to my condo. The key always sticks. I usually have to get Ricky to help me.
I fight to maintain my balance. Walking from the car has winded me, and my left leg is starting to cramp. This is the most I have moved all week. "Bad. I can't stand much longer dad," I groan, "please hurry."
He continues to fumble with the key. "Okay, almost there." I hear him grunt. "There!" He exclaims in victory as he pushes open my front door. He tosses my bags inside before lunging to grab me. I fall against him in defeat and let him lead me into the house.
Shoes litter the front carpet underneath the door. My dad kicks them aside as we enter. The hall closet was left open, and John's red rain coat is slipping off it's hanger. His baseball glove sits on the step that leads into the rest of the condo. Saturday's newspaper and paper plates from Maddie's party litter the coffee table. There is a basket of unfolded laundry sitting on the couch next to one of Maddie's baby books and a stray pink sock. The kitchen sink holds a mountain of dirty dishes. The pie slicer sits on the counter coated in icing.
This is not the home of someone who would not be returning. We were supposed to come home.
"Are you okay?" My dad whispers to me as I stand dumfounded in the middle of the living room.
"Ricky was supposed to fold those," I mumble, gesturing to the laundry basket, "he said he would do it when we got back. I'm going to have to do it."
"Amy, let's worry about that stuff later. Right now you need to eat something and help me grab some things for the kids."
"That's Maddie's favourite book. Ricky always reads it to her. She doesn't like it when I do it."
"Amy stop okay! This isn't helping!"
"John's bed isn't made. He wet his sheets Friday night. They're in the laundry still."
"I can't do this Ames." My dad growls, forcing me to the couch. He grabs the laundry basket and lets it fall to the floor. It lands with a loud bang. I cringe, the sound of the crash ringing in my ears. I start to cry. "Oh baby girl I'm sorry!" My dad cries, bending down to hug me. I lean against his chest. "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I forgot."
"I can't do this daddy," I sob into his chest, "I can't live in this place alone! It's too big!"
"I know it seems that way right now," my dad says, "but you are going to get through this!"
"How!"
"I don't know Amy. But you will."
My dad carries me to my room after lunch. I could barely stomach my sandwich, but I'm going to be feeding Maddie in a few hours and she is going to need me to be well nourished. I fall asleep almost instantly, and nap for an hour or so while my dad cleans the apartment. He wakes me around 1 pm and helps me to the car. It is a short drive from our apartment to my old house. We are there by 1:30.
When we pull into the driveway, I can see John sitting in the window of my old living room. I nervously flip down my visor to examine my face in it's tiny mirror. My bottom lip and forehead are swollen. My skin is a light shade of purple and my eyes are puffy from crying. I am pale.
"Ready?" My dad says. I nod my head slightly. He runs around the car to open my door and helps me out of my seat. An invisible pressure immediately lifts off my chest as I step into fresh air. I don't think being in a car is ever going to feel normal again.
John tears out of the front door and onto the lawn when we start towards the house. He wraps himself around my legs. I stiffen.
"Hi John." I mumble, stroking his head.
"I missed you!"
"I missed you too John."
"You're not going to hug me?" he says in disappointment.
"My leg is hurt honey. Let mommy get inside first okay? Then you can tell me all about your morning."
John takes my hand and pulls me towards the door. "Okay. Are we seeing daddy today? Grandma Annie says he's still sleeping. Is that true?"
"Yes. Daddy is still sleeping," I say as we go inside my old home. He takes me into the living room. Maddie is on the floor with my mom. She claps when she sees me.
"We had McDonalds for breakfast." John says to me, climbing into my lap after I am seated. He pushes against my ribs and I scream.
"John! You have to be careful!" I scold, rubbing my side intensely.
He looks petrified. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!"
"I know you didn't," I reply. "It's fine. Just try and be careful okay?"
John hangs his head shamefully. "Okay."
"I'm going to feed your sister and then we are going to go and see daddy. You still want to see him right?"
John nods his head. "Can I sit next to you?"
I sigh. "Yes John, you can sit next to me."
John smiles and pulls himself onto the couch. He nuzzles against me and puts his head against my upper arm. "Is this okay?"
I kiss his head. "This is perfect."
My heart is ready to beat out of my chest as we approach Ricky's room. John holds my hand tightly; he walks as slow as I do. My mom walks behind us. My dad has agreed to stay home with Maddie. I am quite grateful for the break from him. We are both under too much stress and being around him is making me feel worse than I already do.
"Are you ready John?" I say as we reach the door to Ricky's room. I wish I could crouch down and look him in the eyes and tell him it is going to be okay, but my leg is too sore. I am barely standing as it is.
John nods his head nervously.
"Remember. He looks very different okay? He was badly hurt in the accident. But he is going to get better. Remember that. The doctors are working hard to make daddy all better."
"I know," John exhales.
I look at my mom before pushing open the door, and she nods her head in encouragement. I hold my breath as we enter the room. John gasps in shock. I refuse to look at Ricky, but instead train my eyes on the sight of my son's face, which contorts into pain as he spies his father's body.
John's eyes are wide with fear. "N-N-no!" John cries out, "Mommy!"
"I'm right here baby," I manage to say through my tears as John catapults himself into my legs. He stretches up to me, his small hands begging for me to lift him up. I summon all my strength and pull him into my arms, where he tightly knots his legs around my waist and screams into my shoulder.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" John howls "NOOOO! THAT IS NOT MY DADDY! I WANT MY DADDY!"
"I know baby," I whisper barely audibly. Pressing John tightly against my body is all I can do. I am completely helpless. Unbelievably weak. He continues to scream.
"I WANT MY DADDY!" John cries, "THAT IS NOT MY DADDY! NOOOOOO! DADDY! NOOOO!"
Happy Father's Day! I apologize for this last scene on a dad's holiday. Thank you so much for reading! Please remember to review!