Chapter 3: Israel is calling swine flu Mexican flu because pigs are not kosher and the Pig farmers want the media to call swine flu either the H1N1 flu or the Hybrid flu. This thing has more names than James Bond has had lovers.
Disclaimer: I own nothing this is a work of fiction and I claim no rights to any of the characters or locations or anything else.
After Isshin made his little "delivery" at the shinigami safe house he flashed back to where he stored his gigai and went to the grocery story and picked up some raw chicken wings "mm, mm nothing like Yuzu's wasabi buffalo wings to get you motivated for the day," he said as he licked his lips and walked home.
-------------------------------
Earlier that night at the Kurosaki house:
"Ichigo is he asleep yet" said Rukia from her closet as she looked through some porn magazines.
"I think so," said Ichigo as he closed the door to his room all the way and put a padlock on it so they wouldn't be disturbed.
"Good," said Rukia as she slid open the closet door and took out her fairy princess costume and put it on "I am the fairy princess worship me," she said in a whimsical voice.
"Make me," said Ichigo as he pulled out his football gear and Detroit Lions jersey and put them on and shouted "Defense, hu hu, defense."
"Ready?" Said Rukia.
"Ready," said Ichigo.
"One!" Exclaimed Rukia.
"Two!" Shouted Ichigo.
"Three!!" They both yelled as they pulled out a Playstation 3 and plugged it into the 30inch television Rukia had installed in the closet.
Rukia turned the console on and the title screen popped up with the words "Rock-Paper-Scissors 3: Scissors of Doom"
"Let's start tonight's battle to who's on top while having sex!!" Said Ichigo as he picked up the game controller and sat down.
"I'm so going to be riding you hard tonight," said Rukia in a playfully devilish manner and picked up her controller and scrolled down to the multiplayer option and pressed the X button.
"Not if I'm pounding your pussy all night," retorted Ichigo as he chose his characters for there 3 vs. 3 battle.
"I choose Magmas Prime, Sheep Sheers, and Printing Paper," said Rukia triumphantly.
"Well I have Papyrus Paper, Safety Scissors, and Igneous Rock," said Ichigo in a haughty tone.
"Let's do this!" Exclaimed Ichigo as he pressed the start button.
"Yes let's," said Rukia as she waited for the battle to start.
"Rock," said Ichigo in a normal tone.
"Paper," Rukia said in a louder tone.
"Scissors!" They yelled.
"Round one, fight!" Said the male voice from the game.
"Let's go!" Exclaimed Ichigo as they started the battle.
They fought in the Soul Society's favorite game; used to settle most disputes there after it's two Predecessors Rock-Paper-Scissors: Rampaging Rocks and Rock-Paper-Scissors 2: Paper Cut Peril topped they charts each selling over 100,000,000 copies on their first weekends each.
In the end Rukia won and immediately tackled Ichigo and started kissing him "I guess I'm on top tonight," she said playfully.
"Lucky you," said Ichigo as he kissed back and took off Rukia's fairy princess costume.
"I'm going fuck your brains out," said Rukia anticipating the night of pleasure that was yet to come.
--------------------------
"Well I'll be damned," said Isshin as he spied in on Ichigo's window on his way into the house "That boy is getting ridden like a bull at a rodeo," as he heard Rukia orgasm while riding on Ichigo's erect penis "I'm going to have to give that boy a raise so he can buy some decent condoms; cause I don't wanna be a grandparent yet."
Isshin passed through the wall back into his room and went the closet and retrieved his gigai and stepped back into it, and then he took his zanpakuto back to his bed and said "did you get your fill tonight?"
"No, that stupid milk cow of a soul reaper interrupted my meal midway, so we need to go out again soon," Hissed the sword.
"No, we're laying low for awhile or else we're gonna have to fight again," Said Isshin stoically.
"Fine, but no anal sex then," exclaimed the sword in what could only be described as a pouting voice.
"So we're trying to get your host pregnant this time?" said Isshin sarcastically as he raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, or I could possess a pregnant woman this time; it's been ages since you fucked a pregnant lady Isshin."
"There's a good reason for that," said Isshin grimacing "last time I fucked a pregnant lady was twelve years ago when Masaki was pregnant with Yuzu and Karin and she couldn't stop Queefing it was disgusting."
"Oh how could I forget that," chuckled the sword "if I was a human or had a mouth I would have thrown up for six weeks and eight day."
"Isn't that seven weeks and one day?" Said Isshin quizzically.
"No it's six weeks and eight days because I don't believe in the number seven," retorted the sword.
"Really now?" Said Isshin sarcastically as he walked over to his dresser and got out his blue pin striped pajama bottoms and took off his clothes.
"Is it just me or is your gigai's penis bigger?" Cooed the sword.
Isshin looked down "holy shit!! What the hell did Kisuke do to my wedding tackle?" as he stared at his now nine inch non erect penis.
"If it's that big now I can't wait to see it at attention." Chuckled the sword.
"Shut up, damn that Kisuke if it's over thirteen inches no women will want it in them," Isshin said madly as he put on his pajama bottoms and headed back to bed.
"Well I personally wouldn't mind riding on that," Cooed the sword seductively.
"That's not happening any time soon, now I'm going to sleep; now good night," Isshin said as he turned off the light and got into bed.
"Good night my gentle prince," thought the sword.
------------------------
The next morning Soi Fon woke up at 9:16am and went back to sleep until 9:30am when her alarm went off and she threw it against the wall which broke it into millions of sand like particles.
"Damn it, another thing to add to my expense report," exclaimed Soi Fon grumpily as she got out of the cot only wearing the new matching white cotton bra and panties she had to buy last night because of her new overly proportioned gigai "these boobs are too fucking big I look like one of those bimbo milk cows like Matsumoto, or Orihime."
Soi Fon went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth and did other things that this fiction will not go into, next she got the broom and dustpan and cleaned up the dust particles that was once an alarm clock and dumped them in the newly purchased waste basket set up next to the desk. Then she went into the kitchen and had had some cold cereal and milk with a glass of water to wash it down, how she wished for hot food; but with the stove and range broken plus the unhealthiness of fast food she couldn't eat it. No she would have to live with cold food for now.
After breakfast Soi Fon went to the communication's room and contacted captain commander Yamamoto and reported the previous nights events to him including Isshin's little present.
Yamamoto stared stoically for a few seconds and then said, "What are your conclusions on this matter captain Soi Fon?"
"I believe he's toying with us sir, I don't think he takes us seriously," replied Soi Fon in a grudging tone "I'll make him take me seriously then catch him and make it so he never sees the light of day ever again."
"Soi Fon I think it is you that are taking him too lightly let me tell you more about Isshin Shiba. Isshin is the only person to never be a captain before becoming part of squad zero, and he wasn't a captain because he couldn't pass the test or anything he wasn't a captain because he had no motivation, Isshin became vice captain of the sixth squad 6 months after joining the thirteen court guard and achieved ban kai less than a year after that, he would have been recommended next time a position opened but the man was lazier than Kyoraku and had no one that could order him around. I remember his former captain Ginrei Kuchiki telling me 'Isshin has the power to take on two Vastrode lordes by himself but he has the motivation of a cow set out to pasture.' Isshin stayed a vice captain for forty more years until the basket affair after which he was immediately placed in squad zero, after that little is known about him except he became captain of it 5 years after he joined and then defected 300 years later during the Hollowfication experiment trials along with Yoruichi Shihoin and Kisuke Urahara," said Yamamoto as if recited word for word from a book.
"He was part of sixth squad? Then why didn't they swarmed the city when I reported finding him?" said Soi Fon now pissed off that Kuchiki wasn't here instead of her.
"Because the only people that know that Isshin's been spotted is me and you, we can not have a mad rush for his head by every member of the sixth, eleventh, and zero squads Soi Fon this must be kept quiet until he's caught and tried; do you understand?" Yamamoto said in a serious tone.
"Yes sir, what about Ichigo and Rukia though? What if they discover Isshin while out hunting for hollows?" She stated quizzically.
"If Ichigo and Rukia find out you will give them the bear minimum information required for them to understand the situation and tell them not to tell anyone and to go about their business," Yamamoto said as he picked up a cup of tea and took a sip.
"Understood sir, anything else?"
"No, Soi Fon that is all. Ending transmission," Yamamoto said as the screen went blank.
"Great," muttered Soi Fon "I'm alone here hunting a pervert with no chance of support and a crappy base of operations, the mission has just had one snag in it after another."
Soi Fon left the communication's room and headed for the desk and took out some paper and started writing down strategies for finding and capturing Isshin Shiba as well as her long overdue vacation that she would take after this was all over.
---------------------
Two weeks later
---------------------
Ichigo woke up to the sound of his alarm clock and yawned and looked next to him to see a sleeping Rukia clinging to his body after she stole all the covers on his side of the bed "time to get up sleeping beauty," whispered Ichigo into Rukia's ears.
"Five more minutes," mumbled Rukia as she turned and faced the other side.
"Come on Rukia we have to get ready for school," exclaimed Ichigo as he pulled the covers off her to reveal her slim nude body.
"Give me back the blanket Ichigo," grumbled Rukia as she hit Ichigo with a pillow playfully.
"No you get out bed Rukia," said Ichigo as he got out of bed and went over to his dresser and got out his school uniform and started to put them on.
Rukia yawn and sat up in bed "you go downstairs and get breakfast I'll be down in a minute," she mumbled.
"Fine but if you're not down by the time I've finished breakfast, I'm going to come up and get ya," said Ichigo playfully as he went out the door and headed downstairs to the kitchen.
When Ichigo entered the kitchen he saw Yuzu, Karin, and Isshin all sitting down at the table having miso soup and white rice.
"Morning Ichigo," said Yuzu as she got up and poured him a of soup and scooped some white rice into a bowl "here's your breakfast."
"Thanks Yuzu," said Ichigo as he took both bowls and sat down at the table then he took the bottle of soy sauce and poured a little on his rice then pick up some chopsticks "time to eat."
"Ichigo is a slow eater, and when I say slow I mean you can call turtles fast compared to his eating speed," said Isshin teasingly.
"Shut up old man," Exclaimed Ichigo as he kicked him in the face "I just like to savor my food."
"Sure you do," said Isshin as if reading from a script as he rolled his eyes.
"They're at it again," said Karin in a droll voice.
"Let them," said Yuzu in her cheery voice "it's just male bonding and I think it's cute."
"Yuzu you think everything is cute," said Karin as she watched her dad and brother fight like children.
"That's cause everything is cute silly," replied Yuzu happily.
About half an hour later Ichigo sat down at the table again covered in scrapes and bruises from the fight "Great! Now my breakfast is cold, thanks a lot old man," yelled Ichigo.
"Suck it up, a little cold rice and cold miso never killed anyone," retorted Isshin as he sat down and finished his bowl of rice.
"I know old man," said a pissed off Ichigo as he started to gobble down the now cold white rice and miso.
About ten minutes later Ichigo finished "thanks for the meal Yuzu, now I gotta go get Rukia before we're late for school," as he got up and headed upstairs and into his room.
"Aye Rukia time to go," said Ichigo as he entered his room and saw Rukia huddled in the corner.
"Ichigo I'm late," cried Rukia.
"No you aren't if we hurry we can still make the first bell," said Ichigo trying to cheer her up.
"No Ichigo I'm late late," said Rukia still crying her eyes out.
"Huh?" Ichigo said with a confused face.
"I'm Pregnant you idiot!" Yelled Rukia as she went back to crying.
"Are you sure?" said a disbelieving Ichigo.
"Yes I'm sure," exclaimed Rukia as she held up six pregnancy tests.
Ichigo walked over to Rukia and took the pregnancy tests and read them out loud "Positive, positive, inconclusive, positive, positive, and positive; yep looks like your pregnant Rukia but you should go to a doctor to confirm it."
"You'll come with me right?" Said Rukia looking up at him.
"Yep looks like your pregnant Rukia but you should go to a doctor to confirm it," said Ichigo again.
"Uh, Ichigo you already said that," said Rukia as she raised an eyebrow.
"Yep looks like your pregnant Rukia but you should go to a doctor to confirm it," said Ichigo for the third time.
"Hello, Ichigo? Anyone home?" Said Rukia as she stood up and waved her hand in front of his eyes.
"Yep looks like your pregnant Rukia but you should go to a doctor to confirm it."
Replied the now statuesque Ichigo.
Rukia lightly pushed Ichigo's shoulder and he fell over on his back. "God damn it Ichigo why can't you be more manly I mean come on fainting on me when I need you most," she said as she took out a black sharpie marker and smiled evilly and pounced on Ichigo "I'll show you what happens when you pass out on me Ichigo!" She exclaimed as she took the cap off the sharpie.
Warning the following drawings done on Ichigo's face were deemed so vile, that by law I'm not allowed to describe the process in which they were drawn thank you, and now back to the fanfic.
"There, I'm done," said Rukia devilishly as she put the cap back on the marker and stood up.
"What's with all the ruckus up there?" Shouted Isshin up the stairs.
"Nothing, I'm just pregnant and your son fainted," Yelled back Rukia.
Isshin came upstairs and walked into the room "Yeah he tends to do that… What!! Pregnant!" Isshin stood there dumbfounded with a look on his face that can only be described by the phrase 'What the fuck!!'
"Hey are you just gonna stand there and let the mother of your grandchild lift something heavy all by herself or are you gonna help me!" Said Rukia as she walked over and smacked Isshin in the back of the head.
"Yes, of course I'll help," said Isshin as he moved over to Ichigo's feet "what did you do to his face? It looks like a two year old threw up black soy beans on him then used the throw up as finger paints with his face as a canvas."
"He got what he deserved, and you'll get it too if you don't help me lift his body onto the bed," she said as she moved over to his shoulders and bent down and grabbed his shoulders.
Isshin bent down and grabbed Ichigo's legs "we lift him up and onto the bed on three." Isshin said to Rukia.
"Okay, ready?" Said Rukia as she prepared to lift Ichigo.
"Ready," said Isshin as he tried to dig his feet into the floor.
"Three!" Shouted Rukia and they lifted the unconscious Ichigo onto the bed.
"So Rukia you need to come downstairs and eat some breakfast while we wait for sleeping beauty over there to wake up," said Isshin as he held open the door.
"I would be delighted," said Rukia merrily as she headed out of the room and down the stairs for her breakfast for two.
I hope you enjoyed chapter three please Read & Review because it's always nice to see what people think of your work.