Hello my dearest adoring fans of fanfiction! It is I, the might empress of Sparta, coming to bestow upon you another crackalicious chapter!
Um...I would like to point out that I am also here. And I would like to apologize for the lateness of this chapter. You see, the empress had some international affairs to attend to and...
*smirks* Oh yes, international affairs. With the prince of Gaul, and Iberia, and the northern half of Italia. Ahem, anyway, my advisor doesn't seem to realize that we empresses apologize for nothing. Hm. Maybe that's why we get overthrown so often... oh well. Enjoy the chapter my people!
Once upon a time in a magical land (we only repeat this "once upon a time" shit because of our monetary obligation), a Draco was attacked by a rugged looking shut-away named Hermione who wielded a ferret.
That's right. I bet you bitches didn't see that coming.
Because we're clever like that.
Anyway, that little ragamuffin clearly didn't think through her plan, because she soon found herself with a highly attractive man knocked out on her floor (yeah, that's how you get a second date honey) and had no idea of what to do with him.
Her mother, if she were there, would have highly endorsed molestation.
We don't agree.
The boy-confused (and secretly craving) Hermione attempted to hastily get rid of the shmexy body o' Draco at the sound of her mother coming up the stairs.
"Oh shit this ain't good," she muttered. She glanced this way, then that, and considered bursting into song before her mother brain-fucked her and telepathically told her to shut her trap. Instead she found an all-too convenient wardrobe the size of Manhattan in which she shoved the ruggedly handsome thief.
The authors describe him as such to portray Hermione's attraction to him.
Not their own.
Nope.
…
Moving on.
"Yo Whore-mione," her mother said as she strolled in. "I'm gonna call you Whore-mione now. You know, because you'll never get laid and irony is fun."
Hermione over-dramatically cried to herself before her mother smacked the bitch till she pleaded for forgiveness.
"Anyway Whore-mione," Bellatrix continued. "Since I have decided to forgive you for your foul-mouthedness, I went out and bought us tacos. I even got you those fancy shmancy Doritos Locos Tacos. You eat as much as you want, fatass, it's not like anyone will see." At that, Bellatrix tossed her the bag of tacos and Hermione, ignoring the insults in favor of DELICIOUSNESS, dug in ravenously.
Through mouthfuls of total bliss, Hermione attempted to explain to her mother about the beautiful man that she had so unceremoniously dumped upside down in the closet., but it was asinine. Her mother didn't want to hear a word out of her taco-filled mouth.
"BITCH YOU BEST STOP MUMBLING! YOU KNOW HOW I HATE THAT SHIT!" Bellatrix irrationally screamed as the few bits of hair she had left bobbed with each word.
Her-*cough*-whore-*cough*-mione instinctively dropped to her knees and kissed her mother's wort-ridden feet.
"I'm sorry Mother!" she cried.
"Damn right you are!" Bellatrix rolled her eyes and flipped her rakish hair dramatically. "Well, Whore-mione, I must go. The whores that people actually want to pay for are in need of their pimp. Try not to become too much uglier while I'm gone."
"How long will your beloved whores need you oh great and powerful mother?" Whore-mione questioned, as she thought of the devilishly handsome Draco that she had locked away in a totally non-pedophilic manner.
"Stop bugging me and eat your fucking food," Bellatrix said boredly, as she walked out the door. "And watch your tongue. Young ladies shouldn't be saying things like 'whores' you little bitch."
The empress is feeling a bit lazy after completing NaNoWriMo, so I've been asked to tell you that she "commands you to review." Or something like that.