Chapter 3 – disconnected
I live with all the goodbyes, doesn't matter how hard I try
They end in long nights spent up looking back on my life
I feel disconnected from the place that I call home
They hit me from the blind side, caught me in the blink of an eye
Just like a landmine going off inside my mind
I remember the moment that changed everything I know
I Prevail - Lifelines
Deku doesn't go back to their pre-school for another few weeks. It's mostly because the doctors are still running tests, trying to figure out which medicines will work best and whether or not Deku needs to stay in the hospital, but Katsuki knows that Deku hasn't been back to the hospital in a long time. Katsuki's over Deku's house a lot more often now. They play video games, watch cartoons, and sometimes they just sit and talk. Katsuki isn't one to stay still for prolonged periods of time, finds himself getting jittery and cranky, but Deku looks a lot more tired these days, and Katsuki doesn't want him to feel worse.
Some days they sprawl out over Deku's twin-sized bed. Katsuki chats about school and tells him about some of the quirks that their classmates have begun developing. Deku's eyes shine brightly when he does this, and his hands twitch in jerky movements. He mumbles, stares off into space as the words just keep falling out of his mouth, and some of those words Katsuki doesn't even know the meaning to. Eventually Deku starts keeping a notebook, which he proudly declares, "It's my hero uh-nah-luh-sis for the future!"
Katsuki finds himself reluctantly impressed. On the one hand, it's the nerdiest thing he's ever seen, but on the other hand, some of the shit that Deku scribbles away in that notebook sounds so grown up and smart. It's almost enough to make Katsuki wonder if Deku's not actually quirkless, but rather his quirk isn't mean to fight with. Maybe it's meant to look at something like a quirk and pick it apart, figure out how it works, and then put it together better.
Some days they sit in the bean bag chair. Sometimes they talk, do their best to ignore the loud arguing that Deku's parents can't seem to stop doing, and sometimes they just sit in silence. It's during these times that Katsuki finds himself in a rare state of tranquility. Deku tends to nap a lot more now. The first time he does it makes Katsuki panic. He still remembers Deku just dropping in front of him, Deku lying still in the hospital bed, but then he sees the steady rise and fall of Deku breathing, and he can't help but place his ear to Deku's chest. The instant he hears Deku's heartbeat, hears the evidence that he's still alive, he sags in relief.
Huh. So that's why his mother does that.
But Katsuki knows that, even though Deku gets tired and has to take more naps, Deku is unhappy.
It's not explicitly stated, not after the first time Katsuki came over, but it's obvious. Katsuki can see it in the way Deku's lips turn ever-so-slightly downward when they hear his parents screaming at each other; he can see it in the way Deku's eyes light up whenever Katsuki tells him about their classmates and the new stuff they've learned; and most importantly of all, Katsuki can see it in the way Deku's eyes tear up whenever the answer to his daily question, "Are you coming back yet?" is a sad shake of his head.
Katsuki hates feeling so helpless, so clueless, so instead of asking Deku, he starts asking Auntie Inko. "When does Deku come back to school?" he asks before he leaves, his hand in his mother's.
Auntie Inko's smile always freezes, and Katsuki always feels guilty because she looks so sad, but then he remembers how sad Deku is, and he continues on because Deku's happiness is more important to him than Auntie's.
"We're not sure yet," Auntie Inko mumbles. She won't look at him, stares at her shoes and wrings her hands together. "The doctors still need…Izuku's maybe not…w-we're just not quite sure yet…"
Liar, Katsuki thinks, and he frowns because Auntie has never lied to him before. She's one of the few adults that doesn't treat him like a child, and he's always appreciated it. Now, though, he has mixed feelings, the most prominent one being disappointment. His mother tugs on his hand, and they say their goodbyes before walking down the street to their house.
He does this every day for a week before his mother finally questions him about it. When he gets home, his mother kneels so that they're eye level and says, "Katsuki, why do you keep asking Auntie about Izuku going back to school? It makes her really sad."
His mother is another adult that doesn't treat him like a little kid. She might talk to him with smaller words, but she's never lied to him, and if she feels that he's too young to understand something, she'll either simplify her explanation or tell him outright that the topic will be revisited when he's an appropriate age. It's irritating at times, but he likes that she's upfront about it.
Katsuki purses his lips, squashes his guilt. "Because," he says, unusually serious and solemn, "Deku's really sad staying home."
His mother blinks in surprise, but then her face changes. She grimaces, opens and closes her mouth a few times like a fish. "Katsuki, Izuku might not be able to go back to school," she says slowly, and Katsuki scowls in irritation. "He might be too sick."
"If he's too sick, he should be in the hospital," he argues. "He shouldn't be at home stuck in his room all day listening to Auntie and Uncle yell all the time."
The shock is evident on his mother's face, eyes wide in surprise and her mouth slightly gaping. She looks taken aback as if he just dropped a bombshell on her, which doesn't make any sense because she and Auntie talk on the phone all the time. She tries to say something, hesitates, and then concern takes over her face.
She picks him up easily, ignores his squirming and complaints that he's not a baby anymore, and moves to the couch where she sits down with him in her lap. "Katsuki," she says seriously, and Katsuki stops trying to wiggle out of her grip, "do they…how do you know they yell all the time?"
Katsuki pauses, and he looks away. He doesn't want to tell her, is scared that she'll say he can't go over to Deku's house anymore, and so he stays quiet, lips pressed tightly shut and wishing more than anything that he hadn't opened his mouth to begin with.
It's at this time that his father comes home. He's about to head upstairs when Katsuki's mother says, "Masaru, please join us."
His father blinks in surprise, but at the quiet insistence in her voice, walks over to sit next to the pair. "Is something wrong?"
"Katsuki says that Izuku is sad because his parents yell all the time." His mother fixes him with a gaze that makes him squirm again. "Katsuki, I need you to be honest with me. How do you know they yell all the time?"
"Katsuki?" his father urges when he remains silent again. He's starting to look concerned, too.
Katsuki shakes his head, nibbles on his lower lip. "I don't want to say," he mumbles.
"Did you promise Izuku you wouldn't say anything?" his mother asks.
Katsuki pauses again, thinks on it and then shakes his head. Izuku hadn't said anything about it being a secret, but talking about what goes on at his house just seems…wrong. And there's still that underlying fear that his mother won't want him to go over to Deku's house anymore.
"You should always keep your promises, unless keeping a secret hurts you or someone else," his father reasons. "But if you didn't promise Izuku you wouldn't say anything, then there's no reason not to speak up right now. We can't help Izuku if we don't know he's in trouble."
Katsuki thinks about this, nods his head a little. He wants to help Izuku, and he can't. But maybe…maybe if he tells his parents…maybe they can do something. "Deku told me," he says softly, licks his dry and chapped lips. "He said they fight all the time, ever since he got sick."
His parents exchange looks.
"Do they fight when you're over there?" his mother asks, a small frown on her lips.
Katsuki nods his head slowly. "Uncle Hisashi always talks funny," he admits. He wrinkles his nose. "And he's smelly. He makes Auntie cry a lot, and that makes Deku sad. He says…he says that it's like he's already dead, and that he just wants to be normal." He suddenly fixes his parents with a hard stare, eyes narrowed and his fists clenched in his lap. "Deku wants to go to school. Auntie says that the doctors have to tell them it's okay, but Deku hasn't been to the doctor in a long time. She lied." He crosses his arms defiantly.
His mother purses her lips. She gives his father a look out of the corner of her eye, and suddenly he's being picked up and carried to his room while his mother pulls out her cell phone. "Thank you telling us," his father says, places a small kiss on top of his head.
"I'm not a baby," Katsuki growls out, but he has a small flush just across the bridge of his nose. He fidgets in his father's arms. "Can I still go play with Deku?"
His father hums thoughtfully. "Is that why you didn't want to tell us?"
Katsuki looks away. "Maybe," he grumbles.
"We wouldn't stop you from seeing Izuku," his father says mildly. "But maybe it will be best if you both spend time over here while Auntie and Uncle talk things through."
Katsuki looks at him doubtfully. He doesn't think Auntie and Uncle will actually talk, has spent too many weeks listening to their raised voices where they keep repeating the same things over and over. But he doesn't voice his concerns, just nods his head as his father puts him on his feet. He looks around his room. It's a little messy, his dirty clothes from yesterday on the floor instead of in his hamper, his bedsheets rumpled, and his action figures not in his toy chest.
He absentmindedly starts to put his room in order; if him and Deku are going to play here, his mom will make him clean his room anyways and he doesn't want to hear her nag.
Deku nearly tackles him in front of the pre-school. Katsuki almost didn't believe his mother when she told him Deku would be going back to school soon, so to see the green-haired boy smiling widely makes him happy. Auntie Inko is standing next to Deku, holding onto his little All Might backpack. He's not sure how he feels about her, still upset that she lied to him.
"Kacchan!" Deku squeals, throws his arms around the blond and clings like an octopus. Katsuki hugs him back, mindful about Deku's new fragility, almost scared to squeeze him too tightly even though he wants to. Deku presses their cheeks together, whispers in Katsuki's ear, "Thank you."
Katsuki's ears burn. "Whatever," he mumbles.
His mother and Auntie Inko talk for a few moments before Auntie Inko walks over. She crouches next to the pair, and she smiles at Katsuki. "You're a good boy," she says softly. She hesitates for a second, then reaches out and ruffles his hair. "Thank you for looking out for Izuku, Katsuki."
Katsuki stares at her, a little unsure, then nods his acceptance.
"Be good today, brat," his mother says. She turns to Deku and taps his nose, eliciting a giggle from the freckled boy. "Have fun, okay?"
Deku nods happily, puts on his backpack. He gives his mother a hug, says, "Bye mama!" and then grabs Katsuki's hand, and they walk into the school together. Katsuki glances briefly at their joined hands, decides that it actually feels kind of nice, and then leads Deku to their classroom.
Ms. Sakura, one of their teachers, looks at Deku with sad eyes. "Welcome back, Izuku," she says softly, pastes on a smile. "We've missed you!"
If Deku notices how fake her smile is, he doesn't say anything. He looks at her shyly, smiles, and says, "Thank you. I'm glad to be back."
She pats his head, lets her hand linger for a moment. Then she clears her throat and walks to the front of the room. "Good morning, everyone!" she calls out brightly, getting many replies from the other pre-schoolers. "Today is a very special day, class; let's all give Izuku a warm welcome back!"
Most of their classmates are excited to see Izuku, tell him they're happy he's feeling better and that they're glad he's back in school. Deku turns a furious red, bashfully waves back. There are a few classmates, though, that make gagging noises. It's small, and Ms. Sakura is too preoccupied warning the class to be gentle with Deku to notice, but Katsuki's ears pick it up, and his scarlet eyes hone in on two of his old friends (Higurashi and Takahashi) being responsible for it.
Thankfully Deku doesn't notice it either, too busy talking with some of the nicer kids in class.
The day goes on without much fanfare; Katsuki and Deku stick together like glue, which is only slightly odd. They used to hang out with each other all the time in pre-school, but what's new is that the other boys that were a part of their group — Higurashi, Takahashi, and Tsubasa — are left out.
Deku is happy to be back, brightly and cheerfully tells his classmates that he's feeling better. Today the class is going to pick the last of the vegetables they'd planted in the garden before the seasons change. Katsuki doesn't care much for gardening, but he knows Deku likes working with his hands.
They're working in pairs, and it's not really a question as to who Deku is working with. They tug at the carrots in the ground, place them neatly in the wicker basket their other teacher, Mr. Hitoshi, had given them.
Katsuki flicks a little dirt at Deku, laughs at the green-haired boy's indignant squawk.
And, of course, that's when Higurashi and Takahashi confront the two of them. Katsuki's not really surprised; the two of them are as close as brothers, always hanging around each other.
Higurashi crosses his arms around his chest, stares defiantly at Katsuki. "Why are you ignoring us, Kacchan?" he demands, confusion and a twinge of something in his voice. His fingers are extended, making him look particularly menacing. "And why are you only hanging out with Deku?"
Katsuki scowls at him. "Don't call me that!" he says angrily. He doesn't know why it irritates him suddenly; he's been going by Kacchan since he started pre-school months ago, but now hearing it from Higurashi's mouth is getting on his nerves. Maybe it's because when Deku collapsed, Higurashi laughed. He was the one to make a snide remark about Deku fainting like a girl, and the others reacted as if he just made the funniest joke in the world.
He was also the one to bring it up when Katsuki went back to school, and Deku didn't. "He's probably still crying like a girl," he'd said meanly.
And Katsuki, back in school after suffering from nightmares about Deku bleeding and him unable to do anything to help, yelled back, "Shut up, you loser! You don't know anything!"
For a while, it'd been enough for the other boys to drop the subject. They were still mean, though, and had no problem making other kids cry and then laughing about it. And for once, Katsuki looked at those kids and saw Deku, teary eyed and frowning, brows furrowed in confusion as if asking, "Why are you being so mean, Kacchan?"
He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't help Deku, not really, but he could help these kids. And so the next time Higurashi made another kid cry, Katsuki would step between them, snarl, "Go away, you loser!"
It would happen, over and over, until Katsuki stopped playing with them, just started snapping at them, wanting nothing more than to tell them to fuck off but knowing he's not supposed to say that word.
Higurashi frowns. "You let Deku call you that!" he accuses.
Deku flinches, and his shoulders sag a little.
Katsuki glares. "And don't call him that either!" Because although Deku now means 'You can do it!' like the word 'dekiru,' he knows Higurashi doesn't mean it that way; knows Higurashi means Deku is useless, and in that moment Katsuki hates himself for ever coming up with it.
Takahashi huffs. "But you always call him that! Why do you even care, Kacc—Katsuki?"
"You're just being jerks, and I don't have to tell you…you…extras anything!" Katsuki snarls back. Small explosion pop off, and he tries to take a deep breath and calm down.
Higurashi looks at him in disbelief. "Extras?" he repeats, and the slight hurt in his voice makes Katsuki pause. He…doesn't want to be mean again, doesn't want to make anyone cry, because it's not okay. He knows now that it's not okay, that being mean doesn't make him any better than anybody else. It just makes him a bully, and that's not who he wants to be.
That's not what a hero is.
But still, he doesn't really know if he's being a bully in this moment. He doesn't think he is, not since Higurashi and Takahashi are the ones trying to make Deku feel bad and cry. But still, it almost sounds like Higurashi wants to cry, and he hates that he feels so clueless right now.
"We're not the extras," Takahashi hisses back angrily. He glares at Katsuki. "Besides, you used to do the same thing! It's not like you're any better than us!"
Higurashi regains some of his bravado, nods his head in agreement at his best friend's words. "You only care about Deku because he's sick," he adds nastily. "If he wasn't so weak, you wouldn't care one bit!"
"You're only saying that because I'm sick."
Deku sniffles, tears in his eyes, and runs away, knocking over the basket of carrots, and that's all it takes to throw the world into chaos.
Katsuki doesn't even realize he's punching Higurashi in the face over and over until he's being pulled off the other boy, and even then he reaches his arms out, tries to land more hits. He can't see beyond his desire to make Higurashi hurt, and in that moment he doesn't know who he hates more.
Higurashi because of what he said, or himself because Higurashi might be right.