I don't own Twilight.

This is the text of chapters 35 and 36 of Art After 5, including a oneshot was written for mensrea, as part of the Fandom Gives Back auction. The original passage from Chapter 36 of Art After 5 is as follows--

After the hour was finished, I went home and zoned out. Days turned into weeks, but there was nothing remarkable about them. Each morning I got dressed, and each evening I went to bed. Sometimes I slept. I worked during the week and saw Jasper and Alice on Friday night at McGillin's. Men took interest in me. I nearly went home with one, but when his hand brushed my skin I didn't feel the rush I'd gotten previously from random conquests, nor did I feel the electricity I'd experienced when Edward touched me. I felt nothing. I realized that I could fuck him, and though doing so would temporarily plug my hole, it would never fill my void. I said goodbye to him and returned to Alice and Jasper.

To Natalie from your sister,

Thank you for being her partner in crime.

Art After 5

Chapters 35-36

Chapter Thirty-Five

Sudden Rainstorm

The rest of Thanksgiving dinner passed uneventfully. Jack and Kitty weren't at all put off by Edward's declaration of gratitude for me. This surprised me, though I wasn't sure what I was expecting. I commented on this to Edward as we settled into my sofa to watch It's a Wonderful Life, which he insisted was a necessary holiday ritual.

"You have some bizarre traditions, Edward. First, I was forced to pray. Then, you made me make a statement about something for which I was thankful. Now, I'm being forced to watch Jimmy Stewart movies."

"Don't mock Jimmy Stewart. He's a Princeton alumnus."

"I should have known." I rolled my eyes.

"Everyone prays on Thanksgiving, Bella. It's kind of the purpose of the holiday. Furthermore, when it was your turn, you said you were grateful for capless retractable Sharpies."

"They do make my job easier."

He shook his head. "You missed the entire point."

"No, I fully understood the point of the exercise. You tell me what I was supposed to say. Did you expect me to admit to being grateful that I own a home when so many others are losing theirs? If I had been honest, your grandfather would have really thought you were slumming by dating me. Meanwhile, you more or less declared your love for me in front of your entire family, and though I truly appreciate the sentiment behind your words, I had no idea that your grandparents would be so okay with it. I was waiting for the fallout and felt like I needed to lighten the mood."

"I told you that my grandparents were accepting of our relationship when I invited you to dinner."

I sighed. "That you did, but I was expecting drama. I don't know. Maybe because it was a holiday."

"Are holidays in your family frequently rife with drama?"

I laughed humorlessly. "You might say that."

"How did that work exactly? There were only two of you, right?"

"Yes, but my mother left my father on Thanksgiving. She said she was running out for butter and never came back. So says the legend, anyway. I don't remember it. I was six weeks old."

"That must have been so awful for your father. I can't imagine..." He pulled me against him.

"It was rough on my dad. My mother was young and flighty, but my father did love her. He never recovered emotionally from her leaving us. He hasn't dated since. I don't think he trusts his own judgment with relationships. He had no idea she'd been so unhappy, and had a very hard time believing she'd actually left. He was sure she'd been abducted or got into an accident. My father left me with our next door neighbor, Sue, and went out to look for her. I was six weeks old and wouldn't stop screaming. Sue said she was certain I would starve because I'd never had to feed from a bottle until that point and I kept refusing them. She was about to bring me to the ER when I finally gave in and ate. I guess I realized a bottle from a stranger was better than nothing."

He tightened his arms around me. "That must have been terrible for you."

"It wasn't a big deal. I can't even remember it, I just know what Sue told me. Anyway, holidays never brought out the best in my dad. It amazes me to think that they aren't like that for everyone."

"Every family has the occasional drama-filled holiday, Bella. There was one Christmas when we ran out of Grey Goose..."

I couldn't contain my laughter.

"Are you mocking my pain? Kitty is not a happy camper when she's sober."

"She could have switched to something else..."

"Kitty never drinks anything else. The following year at Thanksgiving when it was her turn to say one thing for which she was thankful, she went off on a twenty minute rant about how grateful she was that many liquor stores were now open on holidays."

"So when you expressed your gratitude for me, it was actually not the strangest Cullen holiday moment."

He laughed. "Not by a long shot. Besides, there's nothing wrong with being thankful for love. I'm incredibly lucky, and I know it. Speaking of being lucky, I wanted to run something by you before I forget. So the eating club I'll probably join next year throws a few big parties each semester. They try to bring in some pretty big name bands. Rumor has it Vampire Weekend is playing next weekend."

"That's amazing. I can't imagine going to a school that actually brings in decent rock acts. We usually had complete unknowns, and they always sucked. I would totally understand if you wanted to stay on campus for it. I'll miss you, but I'll get over it."

"Actually, I was hoping you'd come with me."

"How does that work?" I asked.

He shrugged. "People bring guests all the time."

"No, I mean the eating club thing. Will there be underage drinking there?"

"Of course, there will be underage drinking, Bella. It's a college campus."

"I don't mean in dorm rooms beforehand. Where I went to school, if there was a big party, the college hired staff who actually carded and issued wrist bands to those who were of age. You couldn't get served without one."

"I'm not sure what the exact protocol is, but I doubt the drinking age will be strictly enforced. It's at a club, and not being organized by the University. Why? Are you trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?"

"As if you wouldn't put out sober." I laughed. "No, I just can't be at a party with condoned underage drinking, Edward. If it gets busted, I could lose my teaching license. It's too risky. You go and have fun. You can tell me all about it afterward. They're one of my favorite bands. I bet they're awesome live."

He pulled away from me.

"I distinctly recall you telling me that you would be happy to escort me to any and all college functions for which I would desire an escort."

"This is different; alcohol is involved."

"There will always be alcohol involved. Are you saying you won't attend any event at which there may be underage drinking?"

"I suppose it would depend on the circumstances, but I can't condone breaking the law."

"Cut the shit, Bella. This has nothing whatsoever to do with illegal activity. You've slept in my bed while Mike and Tyler did bong hits ten feet away. This has to do with us. You're still not okay with my age."

"Wait, how are you getting that from my concern about losing my job? A concern which, I might add, everyone but you would consider very legitimate."

"You only spend time with me behind closed doors, even when there is no chance of running into anyone you know from school."

"That's not true. We were together at Alice's wedding. That was pretty public."

"We were, but you didn't invite me to be your escort. Alice invited me because of her relationship with my mother. I come to see you every weekend, but you've visited me exactly two times in the past three months."

I sighed. "I just don't feel comfortable on what is predominantly an under-graduate campus. I'm too old for that scene. It was fun for me while it lasted, but that part of my life is over. I'm glad you're enjoying college and finding your place. You deserve all that. I don't want to hold you back."

"You don't hold me back." He clenched his jaw with frustration.

"Then go, have fun, be seventeen. It's a wonderful time of life, Edward. Enjoy it. And when you want to come home, I'll be keeping the bed warm for you."

"I just don't see the point of doing any of that unless you're with me. How am I supposed to enjoy myself knowing you're sitting home bored?"

"I can't be with you while you break the law. I can't. Edward, not all of us have the luxury of playing at our careers. Some of us actually need them to sustain ourselves. I need my job. I can't pay my mortgage without it."

"You always go back to your fear of losing your job whenever I ask you to give a little more of yourself emotionally, but it's never really been about your job. You're ashamed of me."

"I've never been ashamed of you."

I was, however, ashamed of me.

"Maybe not of who I am as an individual, but certainly of my age. Bella, I understand your fear of losing your job. That's valid. But there's more to this than that. You won't even come see me on campus when alcohol isn't involved."

I hated the anguish in his voice, and I wanted to make it better. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I'd go anywhere with him, that I'd make it my Facebook status and fuck the repercussions. I couldn't do that. I had too much to lose.

So did Edward. As long as we were together, he'd stay with me and continue coming home each and every weekend. He wouldn't experience college. He wouldn't experience anything but me--in all my broken, fucked up, and emotionally unstable glory. I couldn't do that to him. I loved him too much.

My voice came out of nowhere, and I didn't recognize myself as I spoke.

"You're right. I'm sorry, Edward. I thought I could get past it. I wanted to more than anything, but I just...can't. This isn't working for me."

"I'll transfer to Penn. We can live together here or in the city. It doesn't matter to me. I don't need to live on campus, Bella. I just need you."

There was the problem. He was willing to give up everything for me, and I wasn't worth it.

"Edward, no. You don't get it. It's not working, we're not working. I think it's best we have a clean break."

I stared down into my lap. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I didn't want to see his anguish, nor did I want him to see mine. He would never believe this was real if he did....

I stood up and started gathering his things. His razor, his toothbrush, his clothing - I made sure I had everything. It all fit neatly into his overnight bag, which I brought into the sitting room and placed at his feet.

"What's this?" he said.

"It should be everything. I never kept anything of mine at your parents' home or in Princeton so there should be no need to prolong this. We won't have to see each other again."

"So this is it? Just like that?" I couldn't look at him, but I knew he was crying. His voice broke twice as he spoke.

"Yes." I stared out the window.

"You said you loved me."

"I loved being with you, and the sex was amazing. But love?" I shrugged. "I'm not capable of love, Edward. I thought you knew that."

"You're lying."

"No, I'm not."

"Then look at me, and say it."

I couldn't do it. He stood up and grabbed my upper arms, turning me to face him. I looked at his face. His cheeks were wet and his eyes were red.

I did this to him, but it wasn't the first time. I'd made him cry before, and I would do so again and again unless he was free of me.

"I don't want you, Edward."

He stepped away from me, his eyes downcast. He picked up his bag and walked down the steps toward my front door. I followed him, wanting to stop him even though it would be selfish of me.

He stopped after opening the door.

"I'll always want you, Bella." His sobs caused his voice to break. "I'll never stop loving you."

The sound of the antique doorknob latching chilled me with its finality. Somehow, in two minutes, I'd managed to undo the past five months.

I heard his car pull out of my driveway and panicked; he was in no emotional state to drive. I then realized exactly what I'd done.

I'd broken him to save him.

It was both the most selfish and selfless thing I'd ever done in my pathetic excuse for a life. Edward and I were over. I'd never again hear his voice or his laugh. I'd never touch his hair or see his eyes. Like so many others, he would cease to exist for me except in my own mind.

The realization hit me with such force that I fell to the floor in actual physical pain. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to bleed in gut-wrenching agony, something, anything, to prove to myself that I was still alive.

Nothing came.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Prometheus Bound (Rubens)

I don't know how long I lay there on the floor before I got up. I only know that, eventually, I did get up. I undressed and showered and got into bed. I didn't sleep; I couldn't. My sheets still smelled like him. I looked over at the clock. Three hours had passed since he left. It felt like forever. I would never make it through the rest of my life without Edward if I couldn't even make it through the first night.

The rest of my life without Edward.

I did this. I ended us. I didn't doubt it was the right thing to do, but that didn't make it easier.

At some point during the night, Alice showed up. She didn't say anything. She just crept up the steps and silently got into bed with me. We sat there, staring off into space, until the mourning dove began to coo.

"You should put some clothes on, Bella."

I looked down at myself. I hadn't realized I was naked. It also occurred to me that although Alice was here, I had not called her.

"Who told you?" I asked.

"Does it matter?" She got up and walked over to my dresser. She pulled out a pair of lounge pants and a t-shirt. "Put these on."

"Why? So you can drag me shopping? A new pair of shoes isn't going to make me feel better."

"No." She sighed. "I wouldn't dream of trivializing this like that, but I'm not going to let you wallow in bed naked."

I got out of bed and started getting dressed. "Is this where you say you told me so?"

She shook her head. "I wouldn't."

"Are you thinking it?"

She paused before speaking. "No."

I didn't want to deal with Alice right now. I went down to the kitchen and started making coffee. She followed me, lingering in the archway leading from the kitchen to the dining room. Her mere presence was making me twitch.

"How the hell did you get in here, anyway?" I slammed the coffee can on the counter.

"You left your door unlocked. Bella, you really should be more careful. This may not be Center City, but it sure as hell isn't Wayne County, Ohio. We're not in college anymore. You have to lock your door." She sighed. "So, what are you going to do?"

"What I've always done. Work. Cook. Exist."

"You can't avoid dealing with this forever..."

"Forever! My god, how funny! Forever." I started laughing hysterically. "For ever and ever and ever." I stopped laughing and turned to face Alice. "Well, well, let's get on with it."

"Okay, I'm not sure what to do here. You're lashing out at me, which I understand and kind of deserve. You're saying you're fine, but you're quoting Sartre. I seem to be making things worse, yet I'm afraid to leave you alone."

"I'm not going to hurt myself, Alice."

"Don't you see? You already have."

"I did the right thing. I can handle pain. I'm used to it. Edward isn't. It's better this way. He hadn't missed out on too much yet. He can experience youth and college without me hindering him. He can fall in love again, with someone who is worthy of him, someone who is whole. You said it yourself. I was with him for all the wrong reasons."

"I did say that, and I'm sorry. It was narrow-minded and horribly wrong of me. I would give anything to take it back."

"You say that, but you distanced yourself from me. Even after your wedding, I rarely heard from you. This was the first time you've bothered to cross the Ben since you found out I was dating Edward."

"That's not true. I came to apologize the very next day. If you recall, you wouldn't let me. That wasn't the only time. There were several others. I took the train into Collingswood and walked around town, trying to find the nerve to knock on your door, hoping you'd hear me out. I always wound up back on the westbound Speedline, crying like a pussy."

"And after your wedding?"

"I knew you hadn't forgiven me entirely, and I was giving you space."

"Where is all this space now, Alice? Did you not just let yourself into my house last night without an invitation?"

"I knew you needed me."

The tears finally came. I fell to the floor, wailing. Alice sat down in front of me and pulled me into her arms.

"Shh, Bella." She stroked my hair. "It's going to be okay."

"He's gone. I told him I didn't love him."

"I know."

"I lied, Alice."

"I know that, too. Why did you do it?"

"I just...love him too much to tie him down...not to me. And if he left...if he left and I didn't know it was coming, I think it would break me."

She rocked me in her lap. "It's all right. It will all be okay."

I cried in her arms until there was nothing left.

"Do you have a plan?"

"Go to work. Go to therapy. Stay busy. Get through each day."

"I didn't know you were in therapy."

"It's recent. I only started last month. I don't think it's helping..."

"It will help." She interrupted me. "You'll see. Just not right away, and not always in ways which you can see. Jazz will tell you."

"Jasper's in therapy?"

"No, he isn't. I am. I've been going for about three years now. I can't see the difference in myself, but he claims he can see it in me."

I was in shock. "I had no idea."

She shrugged.

I was still so pissed at her, but she was the only real family I had.

"Thank you, Alice, for being here for me."

She hugged me more tightly. "I wouldn't be anywhere else."

Alice called Rose that afternoon and they both spent the rest of the weekend at my house with me. If Rose didn't approve of my decision, she kept this to herself. When Monday morning came, I got dressed and went to work, just as I'd always done.

I saw Edward everywhere. It was so naïve of me to assume that if I'd packed up all of his things, there would be no reminders of him. The memories were inescapable.

On Wednesday, I went to my session with Tanya. I told her I'd ended my relationship with Edward, but that I didn't want to discuss it. She billed my insurance company for way too much money to take no for an answer.

"It's not important," I insisted.

"I think it's extremely important. You broke up with your boyfriend, whom you claim to still love very much, on Thanksgiving, the same day on which your mother abandoned you as a baby."

I shrugged. "Holidays suck."

"You don't think that's a coincidence? That on some level, you pushed him away and ended the relationship on your terms rather than risk the alternative?"

"Which alternative would that be?"

"That he would abandon you. You'd rather leave him than live with the fear he could leave you."

I pulled my ponytail out of my hair in frustration. "He would leave me eventually, after missing experiences he'll never get back. Don't you see that?"

"You don't know that," she said.

"I do know that."

"How?"

"Because why would anyone, let alone someone like him, ever want to be with someone like me? My own mother couldn't stand being around me. She wished she'd never had me. She told me that once. So much for a mother's love being unconditional."

"Just because a woman gives birth doesn't make her a mother."

I rolled my eyes. "Thank you, Marlo Thomas."

"You can't blame yourself for her actions."

"How can I not?"

"Your mother did a terrible thing, there's no doubt. You can't change it, but the longer you allow it to affect you the more power you're giving her. You're giving her power over your happiness. Does she deserve that?"

Huh.

"No."

"There you go. There are two things I'd like you to do this week. Write a letter to your mother. Tell her how you feel. You don't have to send it, but putting the words down on paper can be cathartic. When you've done that, I want you to make a list of the things you like about yourself. You can list whatever you like, but they should be aspects of who you are, not things you can do."

I snorted. "It's going to be a very short list."

"That's exactly why doing this is so important." She stretched out her right hand while keeping her pen between her long fingers. They were slender and elegant, like Edward's. "You're going to get through this, Bella."

"I've a good notion of what's coming to me. I'm facing the situation, facing it," I quoted.

"Really?" She put down her pen, obviously getting the reference. "If you're so courageous in the face of Hell, then why are you running?"

After the hour was finished, I went home and zoned out. Days turned into weeks, but there was nothing remarkable about them. Each morning I got dressed, and each evening I went to bed. Sometimes I slept. I worked during the week and saw Jasper and Alice on Friday night at McGillin's. There was comfort in routine.

At least, that's what Alice claimed when I tried to stay home from karaoke night. This part of my life should have been safe; Edward was never present for this ritual. I should be able to sit at a table at McGillin's and not feel as though his absence somehow eclipsed Alice's presence. Yet, reasons I didn't fully understand, I couldn't.

Alice was rambling about something, but I couldn't bring myself to pay attention. My eyes remained focused on the John Wanamaker sign on the wall behind her. It was a bizarre object for me to fixate on. By the time I moved to Philadelphia, Wanamaker's was long gone; the grand storefront on Market Street it used to occupy housed a Macy's. Esme once told me her mother worked at Wanamaker's for decades and was forced into early retirement when independently owned department stores became a thing of the past. I'd meant to ask Esme what her mother had done for them, where she lived now, and why Esme didn't see her that much, but I didn't. Answering questions about my own family was painful for me, and on the off-chance it would be for her, I didn't want to be inconsiderate. In retrospect, I probably seemed uncaring for not asking.

My eyes searched the wall for something else—anything—that didn't remind me of Edward. A blue and red World Series flag hung not far from the Wanamaker's sign. Edward and Carlisle went to Game 5 of the 2008 World Series—both nights of it. Edward said play should have been suspended in the second inning, that the field was icy and the players couldn't get a good hold on the ball, that Selig's decision to let them play as long as he did was criminal and motivated entirely by avarice and not by a desire to maintain the integrity of the World Series as he'd alleged.

This was unbelievable. I'd never set foot inside McGillin's with Edward, but it was as if he claimed this part of my life, too. Because he loved the Phillies and his grandmother had worked at Wanamaker's. I'd never be able to see that sign—or the building on Market Street that is now a Macy's—without thinking of him. There had to somewhere I could go in the fourth largest city in the United States that didn't make me think of Edward, that didn't make me feel empty.

"Bella?" Alice raised her voice slightly, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Do you like the Christmas decorations they put up?"

"I hadn't noticed." I looked around again. Sure enough, thousands of white lights accented with red bows and pine garland accented the already overloaded walls. I wondered what Edward was doing for Christmas...

"Are you going home at all during the holidays?"

"No. I know I mentioned it was a possibility now that..." I could do it. I could say his name without my voice breaking. "...Edward is out of the picture, but I think dealing with my father would make things worse. Besides, my home is here now."

As long as I avoided McGillin's, Macy's, the beach, the Art Museum, the Academy of Music, my job...

"You're welcome at Jazz's parents house. That's where we'll be. I'm still hiding from my mother because of the bridal veil debacle."

"Thanks for the invite, but I want to keep it low-key. I figured I'd spend the morning at home and maybe meet up with Rose and Em later in the day. They have a great attitude about all this; they're getting Chinese food and going to the movies."

"That's different; it's not a holiday for them," Alice insisted.

"I'd rather it not be a holiday for me, either. Christmas is every bit as overrated as Thanksgiving, possibly more so, as it's almost always followed by an exorbitant credit card bill."

"I don't want to you be alone."

"Being along is my new reality." I paused when I saw Jasper moving toward us. "I may as well get used to it."

"Sorry I kept you waiting. The El was late, as usual." Jasper leaned down and gave Alice a brief kiss before sitting down beside her.

Jazz's eyes moved from Alice's face to mine. "I'm guessing this is more like Unhappy Hour."

I rolled my eyes. "Very funny."

"Seriously, Bella, you look like your house just burned down."

If only he were right. Something like that I might actually recover from.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, all joking gone from his voice.

I downed what was left of my lager. "Nothing that wasn't wrong last week and will still be wrong next week."

He sighed. "So you're planning to go through the rest of your life like this?"

"It's not as though I have much of an alternative."

"You could call Edward," Alice suggested.

"This isn't a conversation I feel I can have with an empty glass in front of me." I hoped Alice would it drop.

"I'm sure the waitress will be right over."

"Why don't we talk about something else while we wait?" And not ever go back to this topic, I added silently.

Alice said nothing, instead shooting me a look that told me she saw through my avoidance tactics.

"I don't feel like waiting, I'll just get a refill at the bar. Do either of you need anything?" I didn't give them a chance to answer before I leapt from my seat.

McGillin's was always packed on Fridays, and tonight was no exception. I couldn't get the bartenders' attention.

"Who does a girl have to blow around here to get a lager?" I muttered to myself.

The guy next to me shouted, "Hey, Mark! Could you grab me a Yuengling?"

Less than a minute later, a glass of beer was before him, which he then placed in front of me.

It had been such a long time since a man bought me a drink. I turned and took a good look at him. Tall and lean, he appeared to be about thirty, with light brown hair and blue eyes. A year ago, he would have been just my type.

I forced myself to relax. I'd left our table because I wanted a distraction. Maybe this was exactly what I needed—to make new memories in old places. Less than a year ago, standing in this very spot, enjoying the attention of attractive men was my normal. I'd get what I needed from flirting and fucking and though I never felt with anyone else the way I'd felt with Edward, surely I'd felt something. Feeling it again would prove to me that I was alive, that I could get through this. Now was as good a time as any; moving on sure as hell wasn't going to get easier.

"Thank you. I'm Bella, by the way."

"Peter," he said. He held out his hand to me, and I shook it.

"Well, now that you have your lager and introductions are out of the way, let me just close out my tab, and then we can take care of that other thing."

"Huh?"

"You know." He pointed to the foam at the top of my glass. "Head for head?"

Wait, what? Had he been reading my thoughts?

He began to laugh. "The look on your face just now was priceless."

I relaxed when I remembered what I'd said when I first walked up to the bar.

"You shouldn't laugh. There are a whole lot of men out there who would think buying a woman a beer entitled them to a blow job."

"They give the rest of us a bad name."

"Are you saying you'd decline if I offered?"

I should have recognized my own voice. Propositioning a random stranger in a bar was far more me than declaring my undying love at the beach. Still, my words surprised me.

"Offered what?" he asked, not yet understanding that I was serious. "Oral sex?"

"Sex, oral sex, the gamut."

I wasn't opposed to sucking him off, but really I needed to be fucked. Rough, zipless and unapologetically. In a way that Edward never could.

He let out a small laugh. "How much have you had to drink tonight, Bella?"

His eyes told me he wanted me; his suit told me he knew enough to cover his bases. There were only a handful of professions that still required business attire on Fridays.

"Which law firm are you with?"

"Is the fact I'm a lawyer that obvious?"

I shrugged.

"I'm not sure how to take that. I was going for nice guy who doesn't want to take advantage of a beautiful woman."

"That's too bad. I kind of wanted you to take advantage of me."

This time, he didn't hesitate. "I'll close my tab."

He turned back to the bar, and his hand brushed mine. As we waited, I thought about the emotions I typically felt before anonymous sex—excitement, arousal, power. None of them were present at the moment. My panties weren't damp with anticipation. There was just...nothing.

Then it hit me. Peter's peter could fill my hole, but not my void. Maybe it wasn't Edward's fault. Maybe it was always there, and I'd just never looked far enough within myself to see it.

"Wait, don't." I felt like a tease, and that I should explain. "I'm sorry, I thought I could. I really want to do. I just...well...I broke up with my boyfriend three weeks ago, and I thought something like this would help. I'm just not ready."

"It's okay, Bella. You don't have to explain yourself. I kind of thought you were kidding all along."

"Oh. That almost makes me feel worse."

He took a business card of his pocket and scribbled a phone number on it before handing it to me. I was a little shocked at his forwardness.

"Is this for when I am ready for you to take advantage of me?" I asked.

"It's for when you're ready for a date with absolutely no expectations beyond the pleasure of your company."

I put it in my pocket even though I knew I'd never call him.

"Thank you. I think I should get back to my friends."

Beer in hand, I made my way back to Jasper and Alice.

"I get the point," Jazz said to me when I sat down. "You don't have to hide at the bar. If you're not ready to talk about it, I won't push the issue."

"Thanks, Jazz."

"So he was cute." The excitement in Alice's voice rang false as she angled her head toward where Peter stood at the bar. "I see he gave you his number."

"He did. I'm not ready for that. I think I have some things to work through before I get involved with someone again, even if the relationship is only fleeting."

In that moment, I was reminded why Alice was my best friend. She didn't ask me to elaborate, or delve deeper into myself than I was ready for. She nodded and changed the subject.

I still didn't know what the answer was, but I knew what it wasn't.

I continued to avoid the Art Museum. There were too many memories. I considered the days where I didn't let my ache for Edward consume me successes. The days where I threw myself onto my bed in a heap of tears and loneliness were my failures, despite the fact it was only at those moments when I allowed myself to feel anything at all. Though they made me feel like I was dying, they also reminded me I was still alive. I clung to them with everything I had.

Christmas happened, as did New Year's Day. I didn't notice. The ground began to thaw even if I didn't, and one evening I got a phone call from Emmett telling me Rose was in labor. Alice and I arrived at the hospital just in time to welcome David William McCarty to the world. He was a strapping baby, just like his father had been, with chubby cheeks and a full head of dark, curly hair. I'd never seen Rose look so happy.

"Already a boob man," I joked as Rose fed her son.

"He likes to eat. What can I say?" she smiled.

"How does that work?" Alice asked. "Getting implants didn't affect your ability to nurse?"

Rose and I looked at Alice and laughed hysterically.

"I didn't really get implants, Alice, and even if I had, it wouldn't."

"Huh?" Alice was so confused.

"I'll explain later," I said to Alice. "We should let you get your rest."

"Yes," Alice agreed. "Besides, I have an entire nursery to put together and thirty-six hours to make this happen. I still can't believe you wouldn't let me throw you a baby shower, but who am I to argue with tradition?" She shrugged.

Alice and I started to leave.

"Wait!" Rose yelled. "Mark your calendars for the bris. It will be eight days from today."

"Got it." Alice nodded as she left the room.

Rose grabbed my hand. "Bella, just so you know, Em is inviting Edward. I'm not sure if he will be able to make it, and I will try to let you know one way or another beforehand. Just prepare yourself for the possibility that he will be there."

"Are you expecting a cage fight?" I joked.

"Honestly, I'm not sure what to expect. I know how hard this has been for you and I thought you deserved some advanced notice. I understand if you can't handle it and you decide not to come, but I wasn't going to tell Em he couldn't invite Edward. They have gotten extremely close..."

I didn't want to hear about Edward's life without me.

"I appreciate you telling me, Rose, and I will let you know."

I left Rose's hospital room and walked right into Alice, who was blocking the way down the corridor to the elevator.

"What are you doing? The only way out is behind you."

"You don't want to go over there," she insisted.

"Why not?"

"There's a really heinous fake Louis Vuitton bag at the nurse's station."

I rolled my eyes. "Like I'd notice. Alice, please, we have an entire nursery to set up and we don't have much time..."

I stopped arguing with her when I saw him standing in front of the elevator. I'd know the hair anywhere. His back was to me and he was talking to Emmett.

"Let's go, Alice."

We hurried down the hall and squeezed passed Edward and Emmett. I touched Emmett's hand on my way inside the elevator, but I didn't stop to acknowledge them. Edward's eyes met mine briefly as I turned to push the button for the ground floor. They betrayed nothing.

I looked down at my feet while I waited for the doors to close.

What seemed like an eternity later, I was alone with Alice.

"He looks the same," I whispered, more to myself than to Alice.

"What were you expecting?" she asked.

"I don't know. Maybe that he would look the way I feel?"

"It's been four months, Bella. People get over things. Did you want him to wallow in misery? He's getting on with his life. This was what you wanted, right?"

I sighed. Alice was right. It was exactly what I'd hoped would happen. My mind knew this. My heart would heal eventually.