Disclaimer: I do not own DGM.
Warning/s: Unbeta'ed chapter.
..
..
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong.
No matter how fast light travels,
it finds the darkness has always got there first,
and is waiting for it."
― Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
..
..
Part Four: Allusion
And just like that, he would forget.
That was what Kanda thought as he slept the day away yesterday.
But instead of not remembering, every fucking details of yesterday's event came to haunt him like plague.
The rough kiss.
The biting.
And him leaving Allen behind in the store.
He now remembered everything.
He had not seen Allen since then. Kanda didn't call him either.
He didn't know what to say.
Well, he could start in saying he's sorry for being an asshole... and for the biting incident.
Kanda winced upon remembering his other inanity – biting and leaving a mark on the most visible part of the body of your partner was a very bad move. He hadn't done it before and he never would have thought that there would be a time that he would be too fucking stupid to do something as dim-witted as that.
He never marked anyone before because he hated complications.
If there was something that he was very grateful for yesterday's events, it was the fact that it was Allen.
If it was any other men or women, he was sure he would be fucking blackmailed now.
Kanda gripped his head.
Right. Allen was different from his previous partners.
He was distant, he was cold, and he was everything Kanda had never experienced before. All of the past lovers he had were clingy and that was why he was always the one who would initiate a breakup especially when he felt that things between them were no longer going the way it should be.
It had been almost a year since he met Allen Walker, eight months to be exact, since that fateful day in the subway. And since then, he continued to trouble his dreams and his rare smiles constantly lingered at the back of his mind.
Allen Walker had disrupted his pace and he didn't know what to feel about it.
He closed his eyes. He had to calm his nerves and think.
Kanda didn't know that it was a very awful move.
When he closed his eyes, he saw a naked Allen writhing from pleasure on his bed; hands were extended to him and he was begging him for a release.
Kanda abruptly opened his eyes and panted at what he saw. He licked his dried lips and clenched his jaw.
What the fuck.
What was that?
He gripped the glass of champagne in his hands and shook his head. He had tons of paper works to do today and procrastination would do him no good.
He dialed a number. "Lavi?"
"Yeah, speaking."
"Please order me a Classic Peace Lily. I'll need it at my house before seven tonight."
"Eh? Flowers? What for?"
"Just do it, moron," Kanda snarled as he push the end call button of his phone.
And after that, he tried to whisk the memory of Allen away just so he could work properly.
This evening, he would call him.
He would say sorry.
..
..
..
It was already five in the afternoon when he arrived home. He checked his arm watch and smiled when he saw that he still had two hours to prepare everything.
He dialed Allen's number and wait for the usual blank 'hello', of the man but no one's answering. Kanda tried calling again but after a few rings, he heard Allen's automatic voice mail.
Irritation crawled onto him.
Kanda just left a message hoping Allen could hear it before seven.
..
..
..
It was already ten in the evening.
He already tried calling Allen again – Sorry, the number you have dialed is temporary unavailable. Please try your call later – but the voice he kept on hearing since thirty minutes ago on the other line was just making him more riled than before.
It was as if Allen had turned his mobile phone off.
Kanda stared at the flowers on the table–Lavi kept on asking him until the last seconds before Kanda kicked him out of the door. He was saying something about him falling 'and falling hard, Yuu-kun! Shit! My friend is fucking in love!' nonsense that just made him kicked harder until he heard the annoying red haired cussed in the air because he stumbled on the stairs–and the foods he managed to cook for one and a half hour. He had salad, lemon chicken, a bottle of blanc de blanc.
Where could that Moyashi go?
Gritting his teeth, Kanda swore that he would fuck Allen as hard as he could when the man get here tomorrow.
Kanda lashed out on the empty plastic bottle lying on the floor and that was only the time he realized how dirty his kitchen at that time. The dirty pans and bowls were scattered on the sink were making his eyes stung. Everything looked so fucking chaotic. The only thing that looked presentable was the table where the food and the flower were lying.
Kanda sighed as he brushed his hair with his fingers. "Great, Yuu. You are a fucking genius," he muttered to his himself before he finally moved to sort the kitchen out. He wasn't normally cleaning his pad but when the situation was too fucking gross for him to wait till morning for the cleaners, he would clean himself. It was not like he couldn't do it. He was just too busy to actually mind cleaning his own pad.
He was sorting out his plates when he saw something out of place on the top of the oven near the dishwasher.
It was a black, tattered wallet.
Kanda immediately knew who the owner was.
He was now sure that Allen didn't own anything relatively new. All of his belongings were at least ten years old or worst.
If not tattered, faded.
Kanda sighed.
He held the wallet in his hands and he jumped when a particle fell out from the thing. When he checked what it was, he almost shuddered when he saw what it was–mold.
In aghast, Kanda took all the contents of the wallet and swore that he would buy him a new one tomorrow.
And he wasn't even surprised to see that Allen had nothing in it besides old cards, receipts, and whatnots. Not even a single coin or money.
It was when he noticed a faded picture at the top of the receipts. He picked it out and stared at it.
It was a picture of two smiling white haired boys.
The other was Allen, Kanda was sure of who was the other one? He was a little dark skinned contrasting the pale complexion of Allen but they had the same eyes but it was kind of golden–pallid gold.
The picture looked so old.
Maybe Allen was only six or seven when the picture was taken.
His eyes roamed on the smiling face of Allen.
He looked so kind and polite. He looked stunning even when he was still a child. His hair was longer then and somehow, he couldn't help but imagine what Allen would look like today if he still had that kind of hair.
He would look absolutely beautiful, for sure.
Kanda shook his head and cursed at his line of was he doing imagining Allen as a kid?
He was not a pedophile, thank you very much.
He turned the picture over. He wasn't expecting to see a small note at the left corner of the picture. He read the elegant letters written on it, "Allen and Neah brothers forever". Kanda blinked.
Brothers?
Allen had a brother?
He didn't know that he had a brother.
Come to think of it, Allen had never talk about himself before. Aside from his name and his apartment, and his unusual and strange thriftiness, Kanda knew nothing about him.
He 'tsk'ed and promised to himself that he would make Allen talk himself one of these days. Not knowing things was always making him grumpy.
Kanda read the note aloud again. "Allen and Neah brothers forever".
Neah?
Kanda scrunched his eyebrows.
He looked at the picture again and stared intently at the dark-skinned boy next to Allen.
Was this Neah?
Why did he look familiar?
Maybe he was just remembering someone he had met before that had the same unusual complexion.
Like Tyki Mykk.
Kanda grimaced when he remembered the man.
They didn't really become a couple because of their strong personalities. There was no way in hell they could be together because he loved screwing, not being screwed and so did he.
Besides, he kind of hated the man's guts.
And his smirks.
It irked him.
Actually, there was another reason why he had the right to abhorred him.
Tyki had a dire habit of stealing his lovers way back in college. Well, he really didn't mind though because it helped him get rid of some annoying pests. All he got to do was to parade them in front of Tyki and the poof, the next morning they were already an item.
The only hitch was that people would sometimes think that he was allowing Tyki to snatch his things. Well, he didn't really care back then and there was no way in hell he would care now.
Kanda looked at the picture again.
Maybe that was that.
The boy just looked familiar because of Tyki.
I mean, there is no way in hell I would know Allen's brother, right?
..
..
..
Part Five: The truth Allen came the next day.
It was five in the afternoon. Kanda had to put a pissed facade to avoid letting out the truth that he was happy.
Well, Allen did ditch him yesterday. He had the right to be angry in a way.
"Where the hell did you go? I called you last night but you weren't answering the phone," he said while his eyes were roaming on Allen's body.
Shit. He badly wanted to pounced on that body and let those pink lips moan again.
"I am sorry," Allen slowly said. He wasn't looking at him and somehow, this made Kanda irritated. Again. And he was just lusting on him a few seconds ago.
Kanda sighed.
Alright. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice. He wasn't stupid.
He took a small step forward.
Then, he saw Allen flinched.
Kanda clenched his fist and took the distance between the two of them in two long, strong strides.
In an instant, it appeared that he was about to knock Allen in one swift punch but that wasn't what happened.
Allen's eyes widened in surprise.
He was being squeezed between Kanda's strong arms and he could feel the long haired's breath on his neck.
It made him shivered a little.
"S-sir?" Allen asked, his voice was so small that Kanda couldn't almost hear it.
Or maybe it was because his own heart was beating so loud that he couldn't hear it.
"Don't call me sir, bakaa," Kanda muttered as closed his eyes and snuffled at the fine scent of Allen – who wasn't using any cologne or perfume but could still smell so fucking invigorating and refreshed.
"You sound stupid. Well, you are stupid. But calling me 'sir' makes you more stupid, you know."
Allen blinked a few times before he spoke, "But you told me not to call your name."
Kanda scowled. "I didn't say anything like that."
"You did."
"Did not."
"You did."
"I said, I did not!"
"I don't want you calling my name. I won't call your name, too. Let's keep this on a professional level and everything will going to be fine between us," Allen said, almost mimicking the low tone of Kanda when he first said that.
Kanda reddened. "S-shut up!" He shouted at Allen who was still locked in his embrace.
They remained standing like that for a few more minutes before Kanda broke the thickening silence.
"Call my name," Kanda said.
Silence.
Kanda sighed as he took Allen's forehead to his lips. "Call my name, Allen."
Kanda felt Allen stiffened beneath his hold. He released his grip on his body and looked at the white haired man's stunned expression.
"Allen?" His eyes followed Allen's eyes and saw the old, black wallet that was lying on the table near his bed.
"Ah. I found it near the dishwasher yesterday. Really, Allen... you should already buy a new wallet. That one has a mold on it." Kanda said in an appalled voice. "We'll go out today to buy one, if you want. And don't worry about the price. I'll let you choose, alright?"
Allen remained staring at the wallet. "Y-you saw what's in it?" Allen asked.
"Yeah. You have a weird habit of collecting receipts, Allen. I saw a few old cards and pictures. Why? Is there something I should not see?" He couldn't help but tease. "Maybe I should look one more time?"
"Pictures. You saw the pictures?"
"Yeah. Why are you looking at me like that?" Allen was indeed looking at him funny. Like he didn't know what to do.
"What picture did you see?"
Then, Kanda understood it all.
"What? Are you mad that I found out you had a brother?" Kanda grinned. "Maybe it's about time you meet my old man."
"You saw the picture of my brother?"
"Yes. You and your brother–I think. That was your brother, right?"
"Yes."
"Then, yes. I saw it. Was it bad? Seeing that picture, I mean."
When Allen looked at the floor, it obstructed his view on his face. "What can you say about the picture? About my brother?" He asked. Kanda felt his eyebrows creased. What was this? He could feel something odd in this conversation. Allen was being oddly talkative right now.
"Well, he doesn't look like you."
"We have different mothers," Allen said. It irked Kanda that he couldn't see his face. But he didn't say anything. Allen was already talking. If not for the odd feeling he felt a while ago, he would say that this was a great opportunity to know more about the white haired man.
"Really," he said, encouraging him to talk more. "How old is he?"
He saw Allen smiled and Kanda wasn't sure about the weird feeling he felt when he saw that smile. There was something unusual about Allen today that he couldn't quite put a finger on.
"He's 24 years old. He's two years older than me."
Kanda nodded. He was beginning to feel awkward. He wasn't used asking others about their personal lives because he didn't want other to pry about his private life, too.
He sighed and patted Allen's shoulders. "I won't ask anymore if you really don't want to talk about him."
"You don't... really remember him?"
Kanda stopped and stared at Allen's moving lips. He was saying something, he was sure, but he couldn't quite hear it because he almost whispered in the air as if it wasn't meant to reach his ears.
"What?" He asked, inching towards the white haired man. "You were saying something. What was that?" Kanda was staring at Allen intently.
Allen didn't say anything after that.
And somehow, Kanda couldn't help but felt he had missed something so important.
..
..
..
After they went to the shopping center, Kanda let Allen go home early that night.
When Kanda turned his back to go inside his pad, he was sure that Allen stopped for a while and stared at his back for God knew how long. But when he turned around again to see if he was right, Allen was already walking away from him, and somehow, the distant between them that slowly widened as Allen walked away seemed so far and cold leaving Kanda shivering from the inside from an unknown chill and solitude he didn't know would wrap him for the next five years of his life. Kanda didn't know that that night would be the night that Allen would disappeared from his life.
..
..
..
Part Six: Uncovering
It was New Year's Eve when he first had a lead to Allen's whereabouts.
Two months of painstakingly searching.
Kanda used everything he could to search for Allen but deep inside him, he still couldn't understand why he was doing this.
Or why was he so hell-bent on seeing him again.
Our contract is not yet done.
Yes. Kanda still had two months for the contract to be over but Allen suddenly disappeared and that meant he breached their contract.
But Kanda really couldn't say that.
Why?
Allen left all the money at the two ATMs he had given him for the last eight months together with all the things he bought for the white haired man.
The suits, the wallet, the shirts, shoes... everything.
It appeared that Allen didn't use any of them.
At first, Kanda couldn't understand any of it.
Well, he still couldn't understand it now that was why he had to look for Allen for answers.
Why did you leave?
I'm sorry. I was an asshole the whole time I was with you.
He wanted to ask many questions. He needed to be sure about what he felt.
Fuck. He needed to see Allen Walker again no matter what happened.
Kanda had to and he would.
..
..
..
Kanda saw Allen entered a small white building.
Kanda stared agape when he first saw what kind of establishment it was.
It was a fucking mental hospital.
..
..
..
He wasn't meant to stay hidden. He wanted to let Allen know that he was there and he would follow him anywhere that was why it was futile to run away from him again but something stopped him.
He followed Allen in a small white room. He forced to smile at the female nurses who had seen him to avoid questions as to why he was here.
He didn't want them to ask if he was here to visit someone because that would mean he had to lie.
Thankfully, no one asked him.
After almost an hour, Allen came out from the room a nurse was tailing on his side. Kanda had to grip his fists so hard when the woman placed her hand on Allen's left cheek as if worried about him.
Truthfully, Allen looked like shit. He was so pale and thin that he wanted to take him from a nearest hospital for a check-up.
Or to his house.
He shook his head.
He had far more important things to do.
The nurse ushered Allen downstairs for a check-up. He heard the woman saying about 'take care of yourself' and Kanda couldn't agree more.
Kanda slowly walked towards the white small door and opened it.
And there, Kanda saw him.
He didn't recognize him right away. No. But slowly, as he stared at that sleeping figure in white robe, he became aware of that familiar pointed nose, those lips that were now dried, and that unusual dark complexion that made him alluring and enthralling before.
It was him.
Kanda couldn't move.
What the fuck was happening?
Why was he here?
Did Allen know him?
He remembered something;
It was a picture of two smiling white haired boys. The other was Allen, Kanda was sure of it. But who was the other one? He was a little dark skinned contrasting the pale complexion of Allen but they had the same eyes but it was kind of golden–pallid gold. And Allen's odd facial expression when found out he saw the picture. "You saw the picture of my brother?"
Then, it hit him. Hard.
"Neah..." Kanda gasped, eyes were widening from shock.
This was Neah.
Neah Walker.
He now remembered.
He wished he couldn't but he did.
Why didn't he see that before?
"I didn't know the names of my bed partners –as you put it."
Neah Walker was his lover five years ago.
..
..
"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that."
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP
..
..
Next chapter: Part seven: Goodbye