Today is for you
Summary: Sakura's mine. Mine only. But then he had to come and sweep her away. But when I've broken down... it's her brother that comes to save me from my despair. TxT
Chapter 3: Flooded
I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. There was a lump the size of a wild potato in my throat.
Sakura stood there, waiting for the words…but I just couldn't get them out no matter how much I tried. Thing was, I didn't want to try or get them out. I hated the words she wanted me to say. I despised myself for abiding to her wishes.
"Sakura…good…" Good what? Good day, good morning, good job, good life…anything. I could say anything else but just not what she wanted to hear.
"Luck." Something came crashing down. Boulders, skies, birds, clouds, mountains, bricks, raindrops, hail, thunder, lightning…
"Thank you Tomoyo!" She hugged me and ran off.
NO. NOnononono….no… Sakura you can't leave me here. There are rocks falling on my head and my heart is about to claw itself out. That one word had unleashed something terrible inside of me, something I'd been hiding and stowing far away since I met you. Sakura I loved you. I never made a move on you, never said a word to you, because I knew you would never accept it. You're too pure, I can't let this love corrupt you. But I can't let anything else corrupt you either.
I collapsed and gripped my knees. I wanted to cry but my eyes were hot and dry. Sakura, I can't hate you. I can only hate myself. Hate myself for not telling you earlier. For being hypocritical. For wanting to lock you up and keep you for myself. For tricking myself into believing you were mine. mine. But no longer.
I wanted to scream but instead I clutched my hair and buried my head in my stomach.
Suddenly, someone touched my shoulder. It was a soft, caring touch but it made my insides jump in shock. I was too scared to even see who it was, so I let the hand rest on my shoulder while I stared into the abyss of my dark, self-eating stomach. I stayed that way until I fell asleep and had dreams about voices calling me names. And then dreams about someone's fingers.
Those fingers were from a long time ago. I had forgotten them a long time ago, but now I suddenly remembered. It was dark and hot, and the person I loved held me tight. He stroked my hair. He smelled of strong cologne. He held me tight and I loved him. He told me I was a princess, that I was beautiful. He used his fingers to touch my hair, my eyes, my nose, my mouth, my stomach, my neck, and then places I didn't know existed. I don't want to remember this anymore, I want to wake up and find Sakura beside me with her bright smile.
I want to smell the sweet cherry blossoms that block everything that smells of dead flowers.
I woke up and rubbed my eyes. I was in Sakura's room. Sakura was beside me, holding my hand but was asleep. Suddenly I thought maybe everything had been a dream. I squeezed Sakura's hand, but then smelled a man's scent…Syaoran's scent. It hadn't been a dream. I freed myself from her grasp, got out of the bed and made my way downstairs.
I was about to leave when I heard the refrigerator door close.
"Leaving so soon?"
I turned around to see Touya frowning.
"Yeah." I answered curtly and then made a move to leave.
"Have some water first," he handed me a cup of water. I stared blankly at a while, wanting to refuse it.
But my throat was dry and so I took it. I sat down at the table and Touya took a seat across from me, watching me carefully as I downed the water greedily.
When I finished the water he took it and refilled it. I drank again. Finally we just sat in silence, and I looked over at the clock to see that it was a little past midnight.
"There's no way you're going to go home by yourself. I'll send you." Touya was putting on a jacket.
"No need, I'll call someone to pick me up."
"You'll be depriving someone else of sleep, come on I can send you." Touya was already out the door.
I glanced up at the ceiling where Sakura's room was supposed to be and shuddered. Sakura, Sakura…she was no longer mine. I stepped out the door.
Touya was there, leaning against his white car, waiting for me. When he saw me, he opened the door and I slid in quietly. He drove in silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable or awkward silence, just a natural silence.
He stopped right before the gates of my mansion and looked at me with his dark, dark eyes.
"Go ahead, nobody can hear you. Cry." He got out of the car, slammed the door and just stood outside.
It was as if he had pressed the 'cry' button because immediately after he left, my eyes began to flood with tears and I wailed until my voice became hoarse. Everything bottled up inside of me just flowed out like viscous mucus. I cried and cried and poured everything out. I had never known that I could cry like this. When I finished, he was there with a box of tissues and I was wiping my face while whimpering.
"This is…so unattractive," I could only whisper with a rasping voice.
He laughed gently and then pet my head. It was so comforting that I just felt like crying even more, but I'd lost all the water and strength to do so. So I just wiped my face and quaked with husky laughter. I laughed because life suddenly seemed so incredibly ridiculous. Because I'd been so ridiculous all my life, hoping that Sakura would stay by me forever despite knowing she would never love me the way I loved her. So ridiculous I could only laugh now after crying to my heart's content.
And Touya just stood outside in silence. Not judging, not criticizing, not trying to sympathize but just…being there.
There was no way to get Sakura out of my heart. But for the first time, I realized that I had to forgo locking up Sakura in a birdcage…forgo trying to protect her when I actually had no power to.
raNdom Note: I just finished reading a book when I started writing this story... so that's probably why there are so many little references to Beloved. But then I began reading another book so the Beloved influences stop this chapter. Probably nobody knows what I'm talking about so go ahead and pretend I'm a nonsensical babbling baboon.