Oxymorons don't work in relationships
Chapter 3:
Strippers and incorrect windows

In which Sakura has a little too much and Suigetsu is treated to a serenade.

Sasuke's POV

"Ok then!"

After a while of me waiting, Ino finally reappears back into the living room. I set down my glass of wine and watch her obediently as she re-enters , her arms bulging with paper, folders and what looks like a tape recorder.

"So, the be all and end all of this is that you are going to have to propose to Sakura."

"Uuh." I reply non-committed way. Not because I don't want to marry Sakura, more because I know the proposal is going to have to come with about a million bells and whistles attached to it...in front of people. I shudder, the very things I deplore.

Ino fixes me with a dark look and I am forced to nod my head in an enthusiastic way.

"Good," she says before spreading out all of the paper and folders on the coffee table before us. She also sets down the tape recorder. "So, as I know you are a newcomer in the realms of romance -and apparently normal human interaction as well- I have brought a few notes to help you out,"

A few? I look down at the huge amount of papers and then back up at Ino.

"Shut up," she says breezily even though I haven't said anything. "Now then," she grabs some pieces of paper up and peruses them before looking back at me. "I'm going to read some ideas out and you can say yes or no accordingly. I will then write down what I think is within the realms of possibility, ignoring everything you have said,"

I don't reply...there's no point really.

Ino's teal coloured eyes scan the words on the paper before her and then she looks up. "How would you feel about riding sharks towards her, holding up a banner that says 'I love you Sakura. I'm sorry!'?"

What? I stare at her in utter confusion and bewilderment. Ino returns my look, but she can't keep it up and eventually she sighs loudly.

"God sorry!" She growls. "I'll put it on the maybe list."

"No, don't do that," I say.

She looks up hopefully. Gosh, she really wants to do this shark thing doesn't she? I'm a little worried now, this is only the first idea and it's, without a doubt, the stupidest idea I have ever heard in my life...and I've known Naruto since I was in diapers. (Came out of diapers first by the way, quicker than every other kid my age that my mother knew...ha.)

"Put it on the never ever ever in a million years ever will Sasuke do that ever list." I instruct and then take a long swig of my wine.

Ino glares at me steadily, but I return the look with one of my own steely glares and, yet again, defeat her. Causing the blonde to sigh loudly, she flicks through more pieces of paper before stabbing at a line of words viciously with a finger.

"Ok! How about...she and I will book a holiday to somewhere, probably Barbados or somewhere like that and then, when we're on the plane, you come running on board with...Tom Jones or someone like that, and he'll sing 'sorry seems to be hardest word' to her!" Ino's red faced with excitement, her eyes wide as she watches for my reaction.

"No." I deadpan.

"Why noooootttt?" She whines in response.

"Because I'm pretty sure that running onto an airplane is illegal, even if you have Tom Jones with you." I reply.

"But it'd be so romantic!" Ino gushes.

"And also a terrorist threat." I point out.

"How could Tom Jones singing one of his greatest hits be counted as a terrorist threat?" Ino demands, looking irritated now.

"That's another thing," I respond thoughtfully. "Tom Jones didn't even sing 'sorry seems to be the hardest word', Elton John did. So, not only would we be arrested on suspicion of terrorism, we'd probably get sued by Elton too."

Ino looks at me with utter contempt in her eyes. "I'm starting to root for you and Sakura not getting back together," she warns me.

I throw her a hurt look, but she already has her eyes down at her list, scanning it furiously.

"Ok, got one!" She exclaims.

I stiffen in readiness.

"The mall," She says, creating an imaginary shape in the air with her hands.

I look at her in confusion. "What about the ma-"

"There's a big TV screen in the mall," Ino continues, barrelling right through me. "You record an apology for the big TV screen, I'll lure Sakura to the mall; we'll just so happen-" she stops to wink at me. "-to be there, and she'll see your heartfelt apology, in front of millions of people. Walla, she swoons into your arms!"

It's not as bad as sharks or Tom Jones, but it still makes me cringe. My face made huge on a TV screen so that everybody is watching?

"You can't say no to this," Ino growls, obviously noting the worried look on my face. "This is a solid idea and since you're such a wimp-" (I.e. I won't break federal laws.) "-this is the sort of stuff you're going to have to be willing to do."

"Hn," I reply moodily, placing my head in my hand as I watch her scribble down the idea onto the 'definitely' list. "Well, could we maybe start with something smaller?"

"Smaller?" Ino repeats incredulously. "Sasuke, by PDA standards, the TV screen in the mall is positively minute."

"Ok, but you even said that I'm 'newcomer in the realms of romance', shouldn't we start of small?"

Ino stares at me for a few moments before huffing loudly. "Fine," she relents. "But small or no, this is still going to have to be a PDA."

I shudder. "Yes," I reply. "I know."

Ino narrows her eyes at me until they become slits and then begins looking down her list again. "Well," she comments thoughtfully. "The only 'small' thing on this list, by way of a PDA, is the band idea."

"Band idea?" I repeat. "What's that?"

"You know the whole wait outside her window with a band and play beautiful music to her." Ino says airily.

"Would I have to sing?" I check.

Ino glowers at me silently for a few seconds. "No...unless you'd like to be a good boyfriend for a change."

"I am a good boyfriend." I insist moodily.

"Which is why we're in this predicament in the first place." Ino agrees sarcastically, treating me to a big false grin.

I stay silent, glaring at Ino's armchair for a little bit, before I look up. "Fine, I'll do the band thing."

"And you'll sing?" Ino asks happily.

"...maybe." I reply evasively.

"Yay!" Ino cheers. "Now, you should start organising it!"

"For when?"

"For tonight!"

"Tonight?" I repeat.

"You're like a parrot today." Ino mutters quietly.

I ignore her. "But...how? I mean..."

"Just get on it," Ino hisses. "I'll sort out Sakura."

"Fine. Well, I better get going then." I stand and stretch, getting ready to leave.

"Ok, but before you go," Ino taps the tape recorder.

I turn properly and look at it. I was wondering when this was going to come into it.

"Now I know you've got a quite a few public demonstrations of love to get through first, but I thought I'd just give you a heads up on ideas for proposals." Ino explains.

I wince, but stay silent as Ino clicks the play button on the tape recorder. There's shuffling and then Suigetsu's voice sounds.

"Ino?"

"Yes?" Ino's voice.

Real life Ino mimes along with the words, looking rather teary-eyed.

"Ino Yamanaka, I was wondering if you would do the honour of being my wife."

Ino in real life and tape Ino gasp in unison.

"Yes! Yes! Oh Suigetsu!"

Then the tape clicks off. Ino looks up at me.

"Why was that being recorded?" I question.

"Suigetsu knew I would want him to." Ino replies smartly.

"...right," I say. "Why'd you make me listen to that again?"

Ino looks down at the tape and then back at me before shrugging. "No reason,"

I roll my eyes and then head to the door.

"You're welcome!" Ino calls from the living room.

I sigh heavily. "Thank you for all your help Ino; it's really been an insight." I call back.

Ino chuckles. "No problem Sasuke, just make sure you have the band here tonight."

I shudder, call a farewell and then head out of the door. Where on earth do you find a band in this town?

Sakura's POV

"Ugh, Miss, I think I've broken my cranium,"

I fight to stop myself from sighing and rolling my eyes as Konohamaru, once again, comes staggering into my office. Working in an all boys school is fine...most of the time, if you can learn to ignore the massive amounts of testosterone and the fact that every boy in the whole of the building has some misplaced crush on any woman under the age of fifty. I happen to be the only female member of staff in the school. I am also a nurse...the boys like me. A lot. I look at Konohamaru. At least the constant interruptions from boys who are 'ill' is a distraction from my thoughts. Every time I think about what Sasuke said to me, my eyes start to well up. How could he have been so cruel to me? And it's not just that, it's the fact that he felt like it was ok to say it to me. As if I have no feelings. How's that for being taken for granted?

"Uuh." Konohamaru moans quietly, snapping my attention back to him.

"Come here," I instruct him.

The young boy steps forward, clutching at his head. I prise his hands away, pull some gloves on, and then inspect the 'injured' area. Nothing. I sigh and step back, snapping my gloves off as I do so.

"Did you really hurt your head?" I enquire.

"I did!" Konohamaru exclaims defensively. "You can't always see wounds Miss! Loads of soldiers in the war used to come back with shell shock and you couldn't see that!"

"That's because shell shock was a psychological injury," I reply in a monotone.

Konohamaru doesn't reply, instead opting to scuff at the ground with his shoe, a moody look on his face.

"Do you happen to have math right now Konohamaru?" I ask.

Konohamaru still doesn't respond, but he does pull a face.

"Well?" I prompt.

"Yes." Konohamaru replies quietly.

"And have you come into my office pretending to have hurt your head because you don't want to go to math." I state.

"Yes..." Konohamaru agrees, but then his head snaps up. "But you don't understand Miss, math gives me shell shock! Mr. Hyuga bores me into submission; it's not fair! It's cruelty to kids Miss!"

I sigh heavily, place my hands on Konohamaru's shoulders, twist him around and the steer him towards the door.

"Go back to math." I instruct him.

"But my cranium." He whines in reply.

I glare at him and eventually he huffs and stomps away, muttering something about me not being 'that hot'. I roll my eyes once more and then go to sit down, only to hear a chorus of whistling from the corridor. Blinking, I get to my feet and pop my head out of the door; there's only one thing that sets off a reaction like that in this school and that's the sight of a woman. And...yep, there's a woman in the school, sashaying her way towards me. An Ino-type woman, probably due to the fact that it actually is Ino. I stare at her in bewilderment; never in all the years I have worked at the school has Ino ever dropped by. The students in the corridors, obviously bunking off from classes, whistle or chat excitedly as my best friend moves steadily towards me. She's not helping things, dressed in a black blouse and a tight purple pencil skirt.

"Go to your classes!" I yell at all the boys crowding round to look at Ino.

"But my cranium!"

"I've hurt my head Miss!"

"I think I've broken my leg!"

"I feel like I may be having my time of the month!"

"How many times Aki?" I demand, turning on a student near me. "Boys do not get periods!"

Aki looks around sheepishly and then runs off just as Ino reaches me, giggling a little to herself.

"I'm a little worried one of them will start humping my leg," she whispers confidentially to me. "How do you deal with this? They're looking at us like sex starved puppies."

"And what would a sex starved puppy look like exactly?" I question as I guide her into my office and shut it behind me. "I can't say I've ever seen one."

"It's just a saying, forehead." Ino replies airily as she sits down on my seat.

"Great," I say, sitting down on one of the hard plastic chairs that my patients have to sit on. "Have you just come here to insult me?"

"Of course not!" Ino coos. "I've come to see if you're alright."

"Oh," I reply dully. "Well...I'm fine. Doing great."

Ino looks at me sadly and then comes swooping round the other side of the desk, arms out. "Don't be sad!" She exclaims, wrapping me into a hug. "Everything's going to work out, I know it."

I bury my face into her arm, trying to stop tears from flowing. Ino makes comforting sounds and strokes my hair before she suddenly pulls me away from her, leaning down so that we are eye to eye.

"I know what'll cheer you up," she grins. "We'll go for a night out! You and me, no pressure."

"I don't know..." I respond. I did have plans to watch Bridget Jones' Diary and cry this evening, but...

"Aw, c'mon!" Ino exclaims. "It'll be fun! It'll take your mind off everything."

I look to the side thoughtfully and then glance at Ino, who has an over enthusiastic smile on her face.

"...ok," I relent and then I smile, warming to the idea. "Yeah, we'll go out tonight."

"Yay!" Ino claps her hands together and twirls. "Great! Well, I gotta make a few calls and then I'm meeting Suigetsu for lunch. See you when you get back!"

"Bye." I call after her.

She swishes out of the room, tinkling her hands at me before she disappears from sight.

Yeah...a night out, it'll be fun. I smile and sit back, just as my door cracks open again.

"Miss...?"

"What?"

"My cranium..."

Sasuke's POV

I'm just looking through the phone book for possible bands to hire when my phone rings. I clunk the huge book down and check the caller ID. Spotting that it's Ino, I pick up.

"Hello?"

"Everything's in order," Ino says immediately. "Sakura's going to come out with me for a few drinks, that'll loosen her up and then we'll be set for you to play a romantic love song to her."

"Hn. Well, make sure she doesn't get too drunk," I respond. "I want her to remember it the next morning."

Ino cackles a little at what could have been considered an innuendo, and then she replies, sounding business like. "I know how to handle it," she assures me. "We'll hit a few bars; I'll get her a little tipsy. Maybe a little mopey about you and then we'll head home, where you will be waiting to serenade her with your rendition of 'I will always love you'."

"Not sure if I could hit the high notes." I grunt in reply.

"You could if I put your balls in a vice." Ino retorts sweetly.

"Hn."

"Have you got a band ready yet?"

"Not yet. I'm working on it."

"You better be, I don't think even I would be able to stand the awkwardness of you just standing there in the middle of the street, your tiny little voice wavering as you try to gather the courage to sing."

"That was a beautiful picture you painted there, have you ever considered becoming an author?"

"Briefly." She replies and then hangs up.

Shit. What am I going to sing?

Sakura's POV

Later on and I'm driving home. The day went slowly, seemingly just a constant flow of kids and Rock-Lee and kids and Rock-Lee. All pestering me for different things while looking at my boobs...actually, Rock-Lee didn't look at my boobs, not once. That was unfair of me to say.

As the day had wore on, the idea of going out and getting extremely drunk had started looking more and more tempting so when I get back into the house, I come back enthusiastic.

"Woo! Let's go hit some bars!" I call as soon as I enter.

Ino's standing by the door, a rather startled look on her face before she recovers and smiles. "Well, someone's in a partying mood, but I was actually thinking that we'd just hit onebar, chat a little-"

"Let's go to that club, Raunchy!" I shout as I head up the stairs, intent on finding the perfect outfit to party in.

Ino has been trying for the last...well forever, to get me to go to this club called Raunchy, apparently so named because there's strippers everywhere...male strippers. What better way to get my mind off relationship troubles?

"C...club Raunchy?" Ino repeats after me, reaching the bottom of the stairs and looking up at me. "Are you sure? I mean, you have work in the morning-"

"Sh sh sh Ino," I tut from her room as I look through all her clothes, some of which could be mistaken for stripper clothes. "We'll go to club Raunchy, let me worry about work and all that boring stuff. Now," I arrive on the landing holding a tiny red miniskirt and a white halter neck top. "Get dressed."

"Sakura! Sakura! Sakura, it's twelve am. Don't you think we should be getting back?"

I roll my eyes as Ino, once again, bugs me about going home. As soon as we were out, Ino steered me towards some dreary little bar and tried to have a heart to heart. I don't get what she's playing at. Usually when one of us is sad, we just drown that sadness in liquor and partying, but tonight she's being really weird. Point in case, she's trying to drag me away from the stripper I am currently grinding on.

Yes...we made it to club Raunchy and yes, there are strippers everywhere. Some of them extremely hot. Like the one I am currently with. I'm aware I'm drunk though and realise that Ino might just be trying to save me from a 'beer goggles' moment which I might regret in the morning, but I persist in ignoring her and then ram my tongue down the stripper's mouth. The guy responds immediately, ramming his tongue down my mouth and rubbing his hands all over my body.

"Shall we go?" He asks huskily once we've detached.

I glance over at Ino and see her furiously shaking her head and waving her arms around like a loony, her face desperate. I look back at the stripper.

"Yes." I reply.

I'm definitely drunk, but frankly, as I and my stripper beau -and Ino who has to follow me, it's the code of all friendships, never leave your friend alone when she's as drunk as I am currently- stagger into the street, I honestly feel myself not caring.

Sasuke's POV

"Um, sir? Are you sure you want to do this? You look like you're about to have a cardiac arrest."

I turn stiffly and shoot a glare at the pimply trumpet player who just asked the question. He blanches and goes quiet, shuffling slightly under my steely gaze. Right, it's two am and I'm outside Ino and Suigetsu's house, where I know Sakura is inside. I finally managed to book a band who would play in the middle of the night, risking potential arrest for disturbing the peace. Unfortunately they happen to be the local high school's band club...yeah.

I heave out a great breath and then glance back at the band. "Ok...go," I order.

The band nod and then begin playing the tune of 'Unchained Melody'...I just went with the most romantic song I know...what? It's not like I watched, and enjoyed, Ghost or anything. As the tune begins to grow, I notice the curtains of Sakura's guest room twitch. It's now or never.

"Oooh," I start lamely. I'm essentially talking, but with a slight lilt to my tone. "My love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch-"

The window opens and Suigetsu pops out, resting his elbow on the windowsill and his chin on his hand, he grins down at me. I falter off, but the band persists in playing, obviously intent on earning every single dollar of the twenty dollars I promised them.

"Hey buddy," Suigetsu says. "It's nice that you feel that way, but I'm married."

"Where's Sakura?" I demand through gritted teeth.

The band stop playing now, watching the altercation in front of them with interest.

"Well, this is my bedroom anyway," Suigetsu replies. "But, Sakura isn't home. She and Ino went out and they're still not back."

"What?" I glance around, hoping that I haven't woken anyone up, and then I look back to my friend. "It's two am! Ino said she'd have her back in time!"

Suigetsu shrugged. "Sorry dude."

I grit my teeth together and stare at the ground, wondering what on earth to do before I whip my phone out and fire off a text to Ino. I look back up to see Suigetsu smiling at me.

"What?" I growl.

"Aren't you going to finish the song?" He asks, his face a picture of innocence. "I was really starting to enjoy that."

I flip him the finger and then clamber into my rent-a-car, ushering the band members to do so as well. Bewildered, the band climb in after me, struggling to fit their instruments and themselves in comfortingly. I glance up at the window again and Suigetsu waves lazily at me, a cheeky grin on his face, and then I pull out of the drive, making sure to smash a plant pot on my way out. I start driving home in silence, the band members all looking at me worriedly.

"I didn't say stop playing," I mutter. "If you want to earn that twenty dollars, you better play 'Unchained Melody'."

The band begin to play Unchained Melody and I slump down further in my seat as I drive home to the scratchiest version of the most romantic song ever.

AN: So, hi! Thank you to everyone who's reviewed so far, it really means a lot! And also thank you to everyone who's started following this story or have favourited it! Thank you a lot :)