Chapter 3 – Never Really Mine

A/N: ok so it's been forever. I feel terrible. Hopefully this doesn't totally suck and at least partially makes up for it. HUGE HUGE HUGE thanks out to my sharikins for her pure unadulterated awesomeness in helping with this. And second big thanks to Milena and LC for their help betaing!!

--

Heart pumping wildly, Vala forced herself towards the wavering circle of light at the centre of the camp. Though his face was cloaked in shadow, she could tell by the stiffening of his posture that Teal'c was aware of her approach. Her stomach flipped sickeningly, and for a moment she hesitated. It would be so easy to run back to her tent and continue to tell herself these dreams were nothing more than simply that – dreams. But, though she could pretend and lie to her conscious mind, these visions would always be waiting for her in sleep. She couldn't hide, not anymore.

By sheer strength of will, she shoved down the fear fluttering in her chest, clenched her fists against the flight response that was trying to take hold, and closed the last bit of distance between herself and the only person who could tell her the truth.

"ValaMalDoran," Teal'c greeted her evenly, "Are you having difficulty sleeping?" Her reply came in the form of a soft sigh as she moved further into the light, the shadows playing over her body as she crossed the threshold from the darkness that blanketed the rest of the camp. She stood next to the flames for a moment, staring into them then switched her gaze to peer away into the forest. Teal'c waited patiently for her to speak.

Eventually, realizing she could put it off no longer, she decided to dive in. Stumbling to find her words, she began, "On the Odyssey, for all those years, Daniel and I, we were…more than friends, weren't we?" Her hands clasped together in front of her body, her fingers twisting and wringing together as she waited for her answer.

Teal'c was taken aback, not by the question – he had expected it eventually – but by the manner in which it was asked. The haunted look in Vala's eyes was a stark contrast to the mischievous glimmer he had seen during her other inquiries about the alternate timeline; her tone now was both serious and nervous at once instead of the jovial teasing voice she often addressed him with. There was a distinct lack of the banter and references to 'hooking up' that had been present during all her other playful interrogations. Momentarily unable to maintain his silence he asked gently, "Why do you wish to know?"

Vala's gaze flickered over her shoulder in the direction of Daniel's tent, her features softening slightly, but she did not speak. Instead she moved to sit next to Teal'c on the hard ground, mirroring his cross-legged posture.

Teal'c waited but still Vala said nothing, However, the significance of that briefest of glances was not lost on Teal'c. He knew well the emotions behind it, having observed a very similar expression from this woman many times before. He knew how deeply she felt for Daniel, and whether Daniel knew it or not Teal'c knew how deeply the archeologist could feel for her, if he allowed himself to do so. However, Teal'c was also well aware of how much it would take for them to find each other, again. Against his own better judgment he shot her a gentle but knowing glance and spoke once more, "Why not merely tell him the truth?"

Vala's eyes widened in shock but she shook her head quickly with frustration. "Because I don't even know what the truth is anymore!" she exclaimed, suddenly having no patience for Teal'c's usual game of avoidance and diversion – she needed answers. Vala didn't realize there was a stick in her hand until it was flying into the fire, catching alight in an immensely satisfying shower of sparks.

Teal'c didn't even blink at her outburst, and another swell of irritation welled up. Her words tumbled out like an avalanche, picking up speed as she continued. "I've been having all these dreams, or maybe flashbacks, I don't know – but they can't be true. Logically I know that they can't. But the more I have them the more real it all feels and I just…I don't know what's me and what is the dreams and –" She trailed off, catching her breath.

Teal'c looked over at her, one eyebrow raised involuntarily with surprise. She quickly found her stride again and pushed onwards. "In the dreams Daniel and I, we're together and I can – I see it all, it's all there in my head and the emotions are so real, even when I'm awake, and then there's the baby…" She drew a shuddering breath and wrapped her arms around her body as if to ward off a chill. All the fight gone out of her as quickly as it had come, she repeated lowly, "How do I tell him the truth when I can't tell what's real and what's not, Teal'c? You tell me that." Teal'c struggled to maintain a blank mask, clenching his jaw as he stole another glance over at the small woman next to him.

Vala looked up at him, tears that had been held back for too long beginning to overflow one by one. "I have to know, I– "

Teal'c visibly flinched as her voice broke, and he jerked his head forwards to face the fire, no longer able to watch the distraught figure at his side. He remembered the events she spoke of all too well. It had all happened quickly, but the scars that were left behind ran deep.

--

Teal'c stood in the drab grey hallway alongside General Landry, both watching silently as Colonel Mitchell paced the length of the corridor. Some time ago, General Landry had requested rather ineffectually that the Colonel cease the pointless exercise. Having been met with a blatantly dismissive glance, he had not bothered to speak up about it again. Yet, as the minutes ticked by, his body grew tenser and his face tightened with irritation. For his own part, Teal'c resisted the urge to reach out and physically bring his disgruntled team leader to a halt. If this was Cameron Mitchell's method of conquering stress, so be it.

A murmur of conversation, muffled and indiscernible, began to trickle through the cold metal walls. Colonel Mitchell stopped short in front of the infirmary door and looked up. The muted bleeping of a heart monitor, until this point masked by the echoes of restless footfalls, reached the ears of all three men at the same moment. It was speeding to a frenzied pace.

Seconds later, the beeping stalled into a chilling steady tone.

Colonel Mitchell turned and pounded his fist into the sturdy, unforgiving wall. The dull thud reverberated along the tomblike passageway as he slid slowly to sit on the floor, all but collapsing in on himself. General Landry ran a hand through his hair and sighed deeply. Teal'c continued to watch the door, anticipating the quiet whoosh that would signal the appearance of Colonel Carter. He didn't have to wait long.

There was no need for words when the infirmary door finally opened. Colonel Carter's shining eyes told them the truth they had all hoped not to hear.

"You tried, Colonel," General Landry said, stepping forward to place a comforting hand briefly on her shoulder. Then he looked past her, into the room, and his upright military stance visibly wilted.

"You can go in, if you want," Colonel Carter stated after a second, voice thick with something Teal'c had only heard a handful of times before. She cleared her throat, and then stepped to the side slightly.

General Landry hesitated, and then shook his head. "I think this is where I take my leave," he said. "Please give them my condolences."

He departed. Eventually, Colonel Mitchell rose from the floor, scrubbed a hand over his red face, and drifted past Colonel Carter into the infirmary. Teal'c followed suit, halting just inside the threshold.

Vala lay on the infirmary bed, silent and turned resolutely away from the visitors at her bedside, but from where he stood Teal'c could see her face all too clearly. Eyes closed, tears leaking from beneath her eyelids, lip clamped firmly in her teeth to stifle her sobs. Though Daniel was at her side, one hand clasped tightly in Vala's and the other running through her hair, his touch seemed unable to soothe away this pain.

Minutes passed, oddly hushed and uncertain, until Colonel Mitchell let out a deep breath, awkwardly clapped Daniel on the back, and trailed out of the room staring at his shoes. Vala's eyes opened at the sound, and her eyes momentarily locked with Teal'c's. He quickly bowed his head and broke the gaze, trying to allow her a small amount of privacy. Colonel Carter left shortly after that, dropping a quick kiss to Daniel's cheek and stopping at the end of the bed to place a hand on Vala's foot, trying her best to reach out to her. She received no response.

Teal'c nodded a farewell to her as she passed, but remained where he was for some time, an outsider watching a private pain. Frustration clawed at him as he struggled mutely to come to terms with the fact that this he could not fix. He was a warrior, but the despair that had seeped into every corner of the room was something he could not fight.

Eventually, Daniel glanced away from a now fitfully sleeping Vala, and the surprised look on his face confirmed that he had not noticed the Jaffa's continued presence. Teal'c offered to assist in moving the exhausted woman back to their quarters, and after only a moment's indecision Daniel agreed. It was a small, but it was something. The cold clutch of helplessness eased, somewhat. But it did not release.

That night on the way to his quarters, Teal'c found Colonel Carter standing alone in one of the ship's long, empty corridors, staring out the window. He stepped up next to her without a word, taking in the fixed starscape outside. She looked over at him, jumping slightly at his sudden presence by her side. She opened her mouth several times to speak, but no sound came forth.

"Do not blame yourself," he said.

She shook her head at that. Finally pulling her thoughts together she whispered softly, to the stars, to Teal'c, and to herself, "I can't help but wonder if they would have had to go through all of this if I hadn't gotten us stuck on this ship in the first place."

Teal'c drew her attention back towards him as he spoke, "And I often wonder if they would have found each other at all were it not for our time here. Life's losses should never overshadow the gifts that it also brings us, Colonel Carter."

Moving into the strong circle of his arms quite suddenly, tears that she had forced away earlier for Vala and Daniel's sake finally began to flow. As she began to relax, fatigue finally catching up to her, Teal'c guided her to her quarters. She tried her best to find a way to thank him as she stood in the doorway, but before she could decide what to say he simply nodded his head in his characteristic manner and headed down the corridor.

Teal'c did not turn on the lights as he entered his room, the closing door quickly, squeezing out the shaft of brightness that snuck in from the hallway. Immediately moving towards the windowsill, he lit the row of candles that were already lined up against the backdrop of stars; candles of guidance and hope for his son and for Bra'tac, candles of remembrance for his father and for Drey'ac. He added another smaller candle to the end of the row, and after a moment's pause lit it in remembrance of the child of Daniel Jackson and Vala Mal Doran. Sitting down under the window, Teal'c relaxed his own breathing and tried to centre himself in order to meditate – but the small flickering candle on the far side of the sill drew his eye and pulled his mind away from kel'no'reem, refusing to let him rest in peace.

In the days that followed, Teal'c fought back his own helplessness and frustration in the only way he knew how; taking control of the situation in the one way he could, by attempting to instill a sense of normalcy, to return the team to the slow routine that was their life aboard the Odyssey. Daniel remained with Vala, doing what little he could to offer comfort, while seeking a sort of comfort of his own, confirming for himself that he had not lost her as well. The rest of the group was far from unaffected though, and Teal'c did his best to watch over his team. Finding General Landry mechanically attacking his garden, trimming it within an inch of its life, Teal'c pulled the pruning shears from the General's hands and quietly reminded him of his weekly chess game with Colonel Mitchell. Several days later he found Colonel Mitchell sitting on the floor among fallen possessions and the remains of his broken furniture. Teal'c offered to accompany the Colonel to the gym for a sparring match. When Mitchell refused, he urged him to go help Colonel Carter with dinner, insistent that he get out of his room and that he not be alone. Meals themselves had gone from a time to gather together and talk, to an utterly silent affair. Despite all the efforts to pull the group back together, there was still a missing piece in their cobbled together family. Daniel joined them as often as possible, but little was said as each person stole glances at Vala's empty seat, and Daniel's tired expression. The absence of Vala's energetic and quirky presence left a gaping and obvious hole.

Vala had not emerged from her quarters for over a week when she finally appeared at Teal'c's room, her silhouette blocking out the cold sterile light of the hallway as she stood in the doorway, nervously shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

"ValaMalDoran, come in," he invited after a quick blink of surprise. She slowly moved into the room, the door shutting behind her, leaving them shrouded in the soft, warm glow that spilled out from the line of candles on the windowsill. Wandering over to the window, Vala looked at each candle in turn.

"I light them for my family" Teal'c explained. When Vala reached the final smaller candle she looked up questioningly, and he nodded, understanding immediately what she wished to inquire. Her eyes began to well up as she looked from the large man on the floor to the tiny delicate candle. She shook her head slightly trying to clear away the tears. Leaning against the side of the window she ran her fingers around the base of the candle slowly, reverently. Without looking up she asked, "Do you miss your son, Teal'c?"

"Each day that passes I find that I miss him a little more. It is difficult to think that I might not see him again," Teal'c answered.

Vala tried to chuckle softly, but the growing lump in her throat choked the sound. "So you're saying this isn't going to get any easier." Teal'c said nothing, only watching as she moved to sit next to him, her eyes staying on the row of candles and their flickering lights. "How can I miss something that I never really had so terribly?" she whispered, looking up at him helplessly when she failed to find the answer within herself.

"I believe you know as well as I that you will always mourn those you have lost, ValaMaldoran. You now face the challenge of allowing those losses to be a part of you, without letting them consume you completely."

She nodded slightly, then smiled a somewhat watery – yet genuine - smile. "Why, Muscles, I do believe that's the most I've ever heard you say."

A companionable stillness settled over them. If he was surprised when her hand crept into his, he did not show it. Instead, his large fingers slowly closed around her small ones as they continued to watch the flames flickering in front of them.

--

As Vala watched Teal'c stare into the fire, the reflection of the flames darting and jumping in his dark eyes, emotions dancing across his face, a dreadful certainty settled in her throat.

"I haven't imagined it, have I? It's all true? All of it – Daniel, me, the baby? Everything?" she choked out, quickly standing to move around the fire, unable to sit still under the weight of this new knowledge. Teal'c watched her from the other side of the flames as she moved back and forth, pieces of sentences, of questions, escaping half-formed, her hands moving through her hair, over her face, clenching into fists as a thousand emotions coursed through her body all at once. She fixated on him again – the pain clear and sharp in her eyes. "So it's true?! It's all true?" she repeated, voice rising.

Teal'c clenched his jaw as he watched her, the pain that the memories were causing was obvious in the slump of her shoulders, the isolation and confusion bearing down heavily on her. He knew that the weight he carried would look very much the same if he allowed the others to see it. He was again, as he had been so many times in his life, filled with an irrepressible sense of helplessness, of loss of control, of frustration. He had taken on this burden – it was meant to be his alone. He tried to pull his features into their normal stoic formation; it would be better – for both of them – if the memories stayed locked away. He had vowed to Sam, to all of them, that he would not speak of their time on the Odyssey. They had agreed not to let it affect the restored timeline in any way, that things should take their own course. The desperate look on Vala's face pleaded with him, he could see the same lonely pain he knew so well in her expression and he battled inwardly with the decision to uphold his promise or offer what little comfort he could to his friend. His gaze dropped to the leaping fire that separated them, "ValaMalDoran, the truth you seek is in your heart."

"Teal'c," Vala moved to kneel down in front of him, placing her small pale hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her, "please." The pain and sorrow that slipped unbidden into his tired eyes made her draw back in surprise. Teal'c held Vala's gaze for a long moment before his eyes darted back to the flames behind her. She moved back to her position at his side, leaning against his arm as the wood in the fire crackled and popped, the sparks floating silently up into the night sky, blinking out of existence, one by one.

--

Teal'c and Vala sat next to the fire for hours, unmoving, as it flickered and eventually died out. They remained there in the shadows until the glow of early dawn began to creep through the surrounding forest. "So it's true." Vala finally whispered softly, her voice barely loud enough to break the long, heavy silence. Her voice wavered but the phrase was no longer a question. As the sun peeked over the horizon, burning away the early morning mist, Teal'c simply reached over and took her hand.

--

…I know you were never really mine

You were given to me

On borrowed time.