Once
upon a time…
Red
got bored, again…
This is
the result…
Slightly Screwy Faerie Tails -- Fansel and Gredal
by Robotic
Chickens aka Red.
Once
upon a time, in a forest really far away from where you happen to live, wherever
that may be, lived a brother and sister, their father, and a really, really mean
stepmother.
Gredal/George:
How come I have to be a girl? This
dress shows *way* too much leg…
Fansel/Fred:
Well, at least you don't have to wear a felt hat and a Swiss-mountain-climber
outfit… geez.
The
really, really mean stepmother really, really hated little children. Finally, she had gotten really, really sick of Fansel and Gredal, and
hatched a really, really evil plan.
Stepmother/Sailor
Snape: Honestly, those two brats are getting to be just too much, Gilderoy.
Father/Lockhart:
::reading a copy of the daily prophet:: Come now, honey, they're just kids,
you know.
Stepmother/Sailor
Snape: In the name of the moon, I will punish them! :: raises mirror and dancing
Chibi Usa's appear::
Father/Lockhart:
::looks up from his magazine:: The moon, dear?
Stepmother/Sailor
Snape: ::lowers her mirror and the dancing chibis fade…:: AHA! I've got
it! When we go out to chop wood tomorrow, we'll leave them in the forest and
hurry home really, really fast, and they'll go away.
Father/Lockhart:
Where?
Stepmother/Sailor
Snape: With Carmen Sandiego, I don't give a rip.
Father/Lockhart:
Well, they ARE my kids.
The
really, really mean stepmother shoots the Father a stoney look and continues
folding her husband's underwear… all pink with little purple kittens . . .
All
the while, Gredal has been listening in on their conversation. She has a very strange expression on her face when she wakes up Fansel
and tells him what she heard and saw.
Fansel/Fred:
You mean stepmom has dancing Chibi Usa's!?
Gredal/George:
::nods:: And by the way, she's gonna leave us in the forest tomorrow when they
cut wood.
Fansel/Fred: Oh, maybe I'll get some pebbles and mark our trail.
The
next morning, the really, really mean stepmother dresses Fansel and Gredal for
their daily woodcutting and they set. Fansel
did as he said, and collected pebbles, stuffing them in his pockets. He was walking out of the house when his pants fell down.
A
passing Omi Tsukiyono laughs and says "Child porn!" for some strange reason,
and climbs a tree to watch the show…
Gredal
glares at the passing Omi-kun and goes to pull up Fansel's pants…
A
passing Yohji Kudo coughs something. "CoughIncestCough." But no one knows
what he said. Right.
Fansel
and Gredal glare and they join their father and really, really mean stepmother,
and set off into the woods. Fansel
carefully drops a pebble about every 23.7639284 inches along their path.
The really, really mean stepmother tells them to sit by a tree and wait for them, and they do so.
They hear very funny noises coming from the woods, but ignore it, deciding that someone is hurting someone.
But
when it gets dark, no one had come for them.
Gredal:
See? What did I tell you!?
Fansel:
I still wanna see the dancing Chibi Usa's…
They
follow the pebbles home, and to their really, really mean stepmother's
surprise, ring the doorbell.
Stepmother/Sailor
Snape: What the fu—oh, did we forget you, kids?
Fansel
raises an eyebrow and the push past her, hopping into their loving father's
arms. He smiles sneakily at their
really, really mean stepmother, who just snarls back.
That
night, the really, really mean stepmother and the father again make plans to
leave the children in the forest.
Fansel
hears them, but can't find enough pebbles, and steals a jar of marshmallow
cream instead. He puts it in his
pocket, creating a very strange bulge.
When
Fansel and Gredal wake up in the morning, their really, really mean stepmother
and father take them out into the woods again.
A
passing Ran Fujimiya gives them his usual glare and hops up into Omi and
Yohji's tree to watch the show.
Gredal
stares back, but is quickly taken by Aya—I mean Ran's hotness and stares,
drooling.
Fansel
hits him over the head with the farsh—marshmallow cream and they begin their
trek into the forest.
This
time, instead of pebbles, Fansel puts a glob of marshmallow cream about every
37.294534698978 inches to mark the path.
They sit down at the same tree and their really, really mean stepmother and father go off to work.
All day they continue to hear strange noises from the clearing near where their parents cut trees, but decided it's probably just some strange animals and strange mating rituals. They never knew how right they were.
When
night falls, Fansel looks for the marshmallow cream, but can't find his trail
markers.
In a
tree, high above, Ran, Yohji, Omi, and now Ken Hikada sit eating marshmallow
cream.
Omi:
What's this brown stuff in the cream, Ken?
Ken:
Dunno… I found it on the ground…
Omi,
Yohji, and Ran shove their bowls
away…
Fansel
and Gredal glare and begin walking around the forest, looking for food.
Gredal/George:
Oy! Fansel! A house!
Fansel/Fred:
Oy! Gredal! It's made out of
gingerbread!
They
began gnawing on the house, liking the candy-cane columns, and drinking the
soda-pop coy pond out front. ((the
coy are all dead, of course, and floating upside down in the water))
One
of the fish has a large, sharp dart sticking out of it. Fansel glares at the Omi-kun sitting in the tree eating the marshmallow
cream.
All
of a sudden, a chorus line of Chibi-Usa's dance across the lawn, waving
peppermint sticks. Fansel gazes,
drooling profusely, at them. They fade away and Gredal slaps him over the head.
A
loud yell comes from the house, sounding very strange. "Moon cosmic dream
action!"
Then,
the door of the house opens. "Nibble, nibble, like a mouse, who is nibbling on
my house?"
Sailor
Snape emerges from the gingerbread house, in his rainbow-bedecked sailor outfit,
and looking very strange indeed.
Gredal/George:
Oy, Fansel, she looks something like our really, really mean stepmom.
Fansel/Fred:
No, I don't see any resemblance, Gredal. ::rolls his eyes::
Sailor
Snape/Old Witch: I'll get you my pretties, and your little dog too…
Fansel
cocks an eyebrow. Yohji coughs
loudly from the tree.
Sailor
Snape/Old Witch: Oops…wrong story. Come
in, my pretties, and have some cake.
A
passing Schuldich shouts, "Let them eat cake!"
A
passing Mr. Bradley replies, "Okay, Mary Antoinette."
Nobody
seems to notice, and the two children enter the old witch's house and begin to
scarf down a plate of red velvet cake.
It
just so happened that Yohji Kudo had snuck a pair of very dark black sunglasses
on Sailor Snape and she couldn't see very well any more. So she was virtually blind.
She
locked Fansel up in a handbasket and made Gredal cut up frozen armadillo bile. Gredal grumbled while she worked.
Sailor
Snape force-fed Fansel lots and lots of chocolate marshmallow cream every day
for a week. And everyday she would
say "Stick out your finger and let me see how fat you are."
So,
every time, Fansel stuck out his wand, and to Sailor Snape, he wasn't getting
any fatter.
Sailor
Snape/Old Witch: Curse you, been taking laxatives? Or are you watching Richard Simmons while I'm asleep? I'll give you one more day…
That
night, while watching Richard Simmon's workout tapes, Fansel and Gredal
plotted a plan to escape.
The
next day, when Sailor Snape made Fansel stick out his finger, he put out the
REAL SLIM SHADY… I mean finger… which was now rather squishy from the
chocolate marshmallow cream, and she decided he was fat enough.
Sailor
Snape boiled a cauldron of something that smelled really good, probably tomato
soup or something, and told Gredal to jump in and see if the soup was hot
enough. Gredal asked how.
Sailor
Snape: HOW? HOW?! How do you jump into a cauldron of water?! I'll show you how… you stick one foot in…like this ::stick a foot
in:: and the other one in like this… ::sticks other foot in:: and dunk
yourself…like this… Blub…Blub… Blub…
Gredal
slaps the top on the pot, lets Fansel out of the handbasket, and they run out
into the forest, where the four members of Weiss have left their tree and are
standing, each holding their weapon at the ready.
Fansel/Fred:
Uhh? Hi?
Ran:
We are the hunters of light, we hunt the beasts of darkness….
Gredal/George:
Good for you, can we go now?
Yohji:
Sure, go ahead.
Weiss
moves out of their way and Fansel and Gredal skip home.
They
find that their really, really mean stepmother has gone away forever and their
father welcomes them home with arms wide open.
Lockhart/Father:
Kids… I missed you… like candy!
Fansel/Fred:
Well, it's been a long, hard trip.
Gredal/George:
::steps forward with a microphone:: But then again, we love you. Cause you're our favorite daddy. ::puts the microphone away::
Lockhart/Father:
Kids, did I ever tell you who your mother is?
Gredal
and Fansel: No. ::look up suspiciously.
Lockhart/Father:
It was…
All
of a sudden, a dart flies in through the window and hits the Father in the head.
Omi:
YOHJI! BAKA! YOU MADE ME WASTE A DART!
And
they all lived miserably ever after.
Cept
for Sailor Snape, who joined the cast of Cardcaptors by winning the sweepstakes.
The
dancing Chibi Usa's faded away, and disappeared.
Weiss
Kreuz went back to their show.
Lockhart
died from Omi's dart.
Fansel
and Gredal went and opened a Hallmark
The coy in the pond went to marshmallow cream and soda pop heaven, where they didn't die drowning in Surge.
Red and Snow Black decided to write the next Slightly Screwy Faerie Tail… Minny Wonka and the Chocolate Frog Factory…
THE END.
((You might not understand all parts of this if you don't know who Weiss are… assassins for you unexposed ones…))