Author's note: Thank you all for your reviews. Happy Thanksgiving (all right, so it's a few hours late... oh well).
"What am I gonna do?" ponders Liv as she sits at her desk doodling. "I couldn't bear for her to pull away from me, but it's killing me to watch her wither away. If she only knew I'd love her no matter how she looked…" As Olivia looks down at her paper, she realizes she's drawn Alex smiling. "Like she used to," she thinks sadly.
The rest of the day Olivia is unfocused, constantly worrying about Alex. She replays in her mind days when Alex "just didn't feel like eating much" or was "too tired". "Damn it, why did it take me so long to notice," Olivia fumes. She doesn't end up seeing Alex at all during work. She hurries home, with tension coursing through her body.
When she gets home, the first thing she notices is Alex's gym bag laying on the ground. She finds Alex in their living room with all the lights off. Alex is lying on her stomach, with her feet crossed in the air. Next to her is a glass of wine and an almost empty bottle. She is so intently focused on the ballet performance on the TV; she doesn't even notice Olivia come in. Olivia just stands there, studying Alex. After 5 minutes, Alex notices Olivia's presence. Olivia expects her to be mad, like the last time she caught her staring.
"Liv, did you know I used to dance?" Alex asks without any anger in her voice.
"No, I didn't," Olivia says softy, taking a seat next to Alex on the floor.
"I started ballet when I was 5. I loved it, I really did. One of my favorite movies was The Red Shoes with Moira Shearer, I must have watched it over a hundred times," Alex pauses checking to see if Olivia is listening to her.
"I remember, I dreamed of being Clara, the lead in The Nutcracker. But I was never good enough, never pretty enough…" Alex says quietly, tears forming in her eyes.
"Alex-" Olivia starts.
"No, I wasn't. I remember when we were lined up and given parts; I always ended up playing a boy. I wasn't skinny enough, you see. The oldest girls never weighed more than 110, no matter how tall… In class the teacher would come around and say how much weight each girl needed to lose. You had to be light so the guys could lift you easily, and so you had a pretty silhouette."
"But Alex, that's too skinny."
"No, that's perfect," Alex says fiercely as she turns her head away.
It pushes Olivia over the edge. She turns Alex to face her, her hands cupping Alex's face. "You. Are. Perfect. You can weight more than 110 pounds and be perfect."
Alex is sobbing quietly, and biting her lip, "I'm not perfect, not at all." At that, Alex wrenches herself out of Olivia's arms and runs to the bathroom. Olivia hears the lock click.
"Shit," mutters Olivia. She heads to the bathroom, trying to think how she can fix this.
"Alex? Honey, please open the door. I'm sorry, Al… I just love you so much. Please open the door… Al?"
After 10 more minutes of pleading, Olivia gives up, slumping down next to the door. Olivia doesn't know how long she lay there before Alex opens the door. Alex's beautiful face is red from crying, dried tears running across her checks.
"Alex," Olivia says, as she hugs her tightly. Alex quivers in Olivia's arms, as Olivia gently brushes the hair from her face. Olivia guides Alex to the bed, carefully laying Alex down next to her.
"Olivia, I'm not some broken toy you can fix."
"I can't give up on you, Al. I just can't…"
Alex is too worn out to respond. They are both so exhausted that sleep finds them easily, with Alex cradled in Olivia's arms.