I lie here, under a blacked sky. Far beyond the glaring streetlights and the thousands of people we struggle to avoid every single day of our existence. I weep quietly as I write this, for our four years of relative peace have come to an end. We knew it couldn't last forever, but I never thought...I never thought it would be my fault.
It's all my fault.
I wince as my own biting harsh words ring back into my ears. As my voice rose and rose until our landlord was forced to call the police. As I heard Libby crying in the background. As Mulder was blamed and arrested. As I saw my peace dissolve.
It doesn't matter what we fought about. I know that now. I just know I hurt him. And I liked it at the time. like fighting with a punching bag. Verbally beating up someone you know would never ever hurt you, therefore you feel like you can hurt it to your fill.
Oh god, what have I DONE?
Elizabeth, thank god, is asleep. I know how much this affects her, seeing us fight, then the police coming, taking her daddy away. The chaos of it all. I'm struggling to control my own emotions right now. She could wake at any moment.
I hear her gentle breathing, and her little sleep-noises. I see nothing but Mulder and myself in her. I am a Medical Doctor, but I still cannot truly believe the miracle of genetics and birth...
I know where I should be. I should be home, packing the basic necessities, withdrawing bail money from the bank, making up with my partner... we've been married nearly our years and yet he still feels like my partner. I still feel that if we fight, all I have to do is storm out and pout in my own cozy apartment, far from any responsibility of any other person. I miss him already. I'm miles away from him, but if I close my eyes I can see him.
I don't....I don't know why I brought this diary with me. I must talk with someone who I don't feel guilty telling all my painful stories and emotions to. Praying only goes so far.
Someone's here, I have to go-
Dana