I hate this chapter. It's my least favorite of this whole story. I plan on rewritting it, but I haven't had the energy, so please live with the suck-y-ness for now. I'm pretty sure I used spell check, but one can never be sure, so pardon spelling or grammar mistakes. RnR.

Chapter Two – Losing Grip

"Ok," said Cragen, taking Munch's place by the board. "We searched the van, nothing. We've had uniforms up and down all the usual dump sights and so far no sign of her. We figure that he either just left her for dead in whatever hideout he uses for his victims, or he was going back for her. So let's assume she's still alive. Fin, what do we have on him?"

"No family, works in a movie theater in Queens, little three screen, as a janitor and sometimes concession," said Fin. "Used it to get his victim."

"The Gemini?" I asked suddenly.

"Yeah, why?"

"Christ, my daughter goes there with Dickie sometimes."

"Least he's dead, dude, don't gotta worry about her. Anyway, doesn't really have any specific haunts, sometimes is seen at a CD store, does the poker thing with three other dudes, but we've only spoken to two of 'em and they said that they only get together Thursday nights, and don't speak. Just some dude to bet with."

"Girlfriend?"

"Yeah he did, she works in the library, looks like she's about fifteen, though she's really around twenty-five. Desperate kind of girl, it's a pity. She had no clue. She broke it off with him when Munch warned her."

"Could be the reason he's taken another girl. What about this third poker player?"

"Randy Fall, called and called, no sign. We figure he's avoiding us."

"Family?"

"Father split when he was a baby, mother died when he was twenty-something, I guess she was an overbearing mother, turned him into a mama's boy. Has a sister, sister's in jail for charges of child abuse on her son. Turns out that Freeman was a victim of incest, sister paid him midnight visits or some such."

"Explains why he's violent," said the calm, analyzing voice of George Huang, the team shrink, "Victim's of incest often lash out. His mother coddled him and his sister raped him, and he directed his anger towards women, specifically those between the ages of twelve and fifteen, when his sister was hurting him the most. I imagine he visualizes them to be his sister, to show her that he's stronger than her."

I stared at him a moment, then back at the board. I knew this already, but it made a lot of sense. The picture of his sister sat beside the victim's pictures and they all resembled each other. "God, why does it have to be this way? Just one vicious cycle, one person gets abused, then the next, then the next."

No one replied.

"Alright, Liv and Elliot, you hit the theater and the CD store, see what information you can get out of them," said the captain, "Fin, me and you will hunt down Randy Fall. It's early, he should be at home."

Olivia and I stood up and pulled on our jackets. The clock was ticking, and this was all we had to go by. We'd been doing other cases when Munch had burst in, waving the picture of Amber Kauffmann and declaring that "he'd" struck again. Now that we had the information the heat was on. It had been almost two days since Amber had gone missing, abducted from the Gemini. It was seven in the morning after I shot Freeman. We had to assume she was alive, we had to assume, too, that her time could very well be running out.

The CD store was about seven blocks from my place, Empire Records. I'd gone through once or twice, mostly it had old records and tapes, collectables, and a lot of used CD's. We got there at quarter after eight. The owner was opening when we rattled the door.

He glared at us, then his eyes widened in fright as we held up our badges.

"Can we come in for a moment?" I hollered through the glass.

"Yeah," he said, unlocking the door. "I didn't do nothing, though." He glanced at me. "What did you do to your head, man?"

"Mind your own fucking business," I snapped. Olivia shot me a sharp glance and stepped forward.

"It's not what you did. You remember this guy?" She held up the picture of Freeman.

"Yeah, yeah that dude who always bought those old Wings records. Yeah, he was in here often. That's about the only thing he loved, just old albums with Paul McCartney. He bought out our Beatles albums, didn't matter if he already had it, or how ratty they were."

"Really? Ever say why?" I asked next.

"Nah, just bought 'em. Whenever I got a new one in I saved it for him, because I knew he'd buy it. Did something happen to him?" He was walking away, looking down, and avoiding eye contact.

"He died," Olivia said shortly, "in a fire fight. Thing is, he abducted a girl named Amber Kauffmann…"

"Amber Kauffmann? No way! She was in here all the time! She loved The Beatles too, she always spoke to him. She bought the tapes with her allowance. He bought her a special edition copy of the White Album in LP for her birthday. Beats me how he figured out her birthday."

"Do you know where he hangs out? Anything?"

He glanced back, then shook his head. "No, just his gig at the Gemini."

"Alright. Listen, could you give us your name and number, and you can call us back if you remember anything that might be relevant?"

He opened his mouth, then shut it after a moment.

"Well?"

"Yeah, yeah, its Taylor Shaw."

Olivia glanced at me and I nodded. No one hesitated to give their name to the police – unless they were avoiding them, or didn't want to get caught for something. I bet its both.

Olivia wrote it down. She walked to the counter and looked over to the wall just behind. "Ah, employee schedule. Let's see… Sarah, Troy, Alex… no Taylor. But there's a Randy. And it looks like he's scheduled to work this morning."

"Really?" I asked, sounding interested. "What's Randy's last name, Mr. Shaw?"

"Randy's, it's, uh…"

"Lemme guess, is it Fall?"

He went from white to red in a few seconds and looked like he swallowed something extremely sour.

I felt a little rumble in my chest, like distant thunder. "Some reason you're not returning our calls?"

"I…"

"Some little girl has been abducted, probably raped, could be dead, and you're avoiding us!"

"Cops make me nervous, I only let you in 'cause you were here, an'…"

"You God damn coward! Didn't we say this was important?" I snarled, "didn't we?"

"Elliot!" Olivia said, elbowing me hard in the ribs. I shot her a look, but she wasn't staring at me. "Sorry for my partners behavior, he's been stressed. C'mon."

She grabbed him by the arm and led him outside. "You can close up and call someone else from the precinct and get them to open your store."

"Aw fuck."

"Yeah, you're right, aw fuck," I taunted. "Get in the car, and mind your fucking head."

Cragen and Fin burst into the observation room where I stood watching Shaw. Fin was the first to start talking. "Hey Elliot, we found out something about Fall, he-"

"…has a RAP sheet? Did time in Rikers? And it includes charges of stalking, endangering the welfare of a minor and sexual assault on a minor and possession of kiddy porn?"

"How do you do that?" Fin asked me.

I shrugged. "We found him first. He owns a CD store,"

"Empire Records, under Taylor Shaw. Randy Fall is an alias."

"He's in there," I said, nodding at the window which I stood by.

He sat in an interrogation sleeping. Only the guilty sleep. I stared at him through the glass, eyes narrowed. I felt the hollow thumping inside of me. My hands were tight around my tie, which I'd taken off and was now writhing in my hands. I wished it were his neck.

"What else do we do?" I growled.

"His apartment's been searched by CSU, no sign of the girl."

"Figures. I thought Freeman worked solo, though?"

George had joined us a moment ago. He was totally silent, and he scared me when he spoke. "Predators attract predators – Shaw is weaker than Freeman, Freeman saw opportunity and exploited it."

"Let's sweat him," said Fin.

We walked in and Shaw kept snoring. I walked up behind him and jerked his chair back hard and woke him up. Fin took the seat across from him, I stood in the shadowed corner behind him. We had our routine, one that only me and Fin seemed able to do. It wasn't good cop bad cop, not really. Fin plays mean, I play terrifying. No sympathy, not an inch.

Fin leafed through his file slowly, so Shaw could see each report, the picture of the girl he'd abducted with a friend and molested, keeping her for three agonizing days. Shaw stared at this picture, seemed mesmerized by it. After a second Fin shut it, pushed it to the side, and folded his hands.

"How many years in Rikers did you do, Taylor?"

Shaw swallowed hard. "Couple."

"Try ten. Now explain why you didn't do a whole hell of a lot."

"Made a deal, got off. Led them to another guy."

"I see. Worked with a partner, did you Shaw?"

Nothing.

"How'd you come by that CD store? You own it, don't you?"

"Inherited it from my uncle."

"Even though you're a cradle robber?"

"He never thought I did it."

"How'd you meet Freeman?"

"He found out about my time in Rikers. I told him what I did, he told me. Twenty-three girls. Bragged."

"You help with any?"

"No."

"C'mon Shaw," I said finally from the dark, "he offered you fresh meat and you went for it."

"I'm cured, I didn't do nothing."

I felt anger well up inside me. "Did he mention Amber?"

After a moment he nodded. "Once she left the store, just me and him, said he wanted to, y'know, show the bitch what its like to grow up."

I felt my eye twitch and a redness creep up into my face. "And you said?"

After a deadly moment. "I agreed."

Fin took over, obviously sensing danger. It wasn't time for me to scream, not yet. We volleyed back and forth. Each time I got a little more dangerous. We were getting closer, we'd caught him in two lies. Shaw was getting too brave though, especially of me. He sensed I was on a leash, that I couldn't do fuck all. He held nothing but for contempt for Fin, I could see that much a few minutes in when he answered his questions, voice dripping in condescension. He wasn't the coward we'd marked him as.

I never left the shadows and I could see it was bothering him. I paced sometimes, and when I did he watched me with the fear of prey to the predator. But when I spoke he always had a retort to push my anger on.

"Listen you son of a bitch, you took that girl with him, took her to whatever fucking hideaway you've got, and you raped her, you and Freeman took your sick time with her, and now she could be dying, and you don't give a fucking lick!" I roared. "Where is she?"

I came into the light, slamming my fist down on the desk. I looked into the eyes of the most disgusting kind of human to walk the earth. After a moment he smiled and leaned forward. "She had a good, tight cunt, you know that detective?"

Fin grabbed my arm to hold me back. "Elliot, stand down," he said. I felt my heart racing. I was going to kill him. I was going to put him out of his fucking misery. I had to take a swing at him, but I knew the chain of events which would follow an incident, and they were never nice.

"I know you, detective Stabler. You got a daughter, sometimes walks with Amber, named Elizabeth Stabler. And y'know? She's got a real fine ass on her." He laughed. "And I ain't the only one in this city who looked at it. Hell, maybe I ain't the only one in this room."

I snapped. "You mother fucker, I'll kill you!" I roared. Fin held onto me with all his might. I struggled. I was going to kill that motherfucker for ever looking at my precious Elizabeth. I was going to beat his teeth into the back of his skull, I was going to!

"Elliot, stand down! Stand down!" Fin told me. "He's playing you, man!"

"Shut up Jungle Monkey, this is between me and the detective," Shaw said. "I don't talk to nigger cops."

"Now you're a big man, where'd you learn that language?" Fin said as he pulled me back.

"Shut up, nigger," he hissed. "Your fucking partner deserved what he got. Too bad Freeman didn't get him in the head."

Fin let me go. Both of us were rushing around the table for him. Fin grabbed him by the arms and hauled him up. Shaw was screaming, my fists were flying. First a shot at Amber, then at my daughter, then Fin, and finally Munch in the ICU. That was it, this filth was dead. I felt myself climbing to ecstasy. I loved this, and I knew I shouldn't.

"FIN! ELLIOT!" I heard Cragen bellowing. "LET HIM GO!"

Neither of us heard and neither of us cared.

"Elliot!" I heard Olivia's voice call. I punched him again with frightening force, blood flew from his mouth and splattered the wall, but when I raised my fist to do it another time I couldn't. I saw her eyes, her terrified eyes. She'd never really seen me like this. I'd come to think of her as my little sister. My fist lowered, then dropped. I fell backwards and hit the ground ass first, suddenly winded.

Fin let go of Shaw and he darted into a corner, covering his bloody face. "I'll tell you anything!" he said hysterically, "just don't let them back at me! I'll say anything you want, I'll pretend this never happened, just don't let them kill me!"

"MY OFFICE NOW!" Cragen yelled. "Olivia, get the first aid kit, patch this filth up and get his statement. You," he nodded to a uniform, "make sure that bastard doesn't try anything and watches his mouth."

Fin and I followed Cragen into his office. He just grunted at Huang, who took it as an order to follow. He slammed the door so hard I'm sure it nearly shattered the glass. He walked to his desk and paced.

"I won't pretend I didn't enjoy seeing the bastard get what's coming to him," said Cragen, looking at us both as he sunk back into his more parental tone, "but you realize that if you'd killed him we'd never have found out where Amber was? By killing him you'd spell her own doom? Not to mention if he complains about police brutality, we're through, especially you two. Elliot, Fin, both of you are too close for this. Olivia and I can handle it from here. Fin, you get your ass home and relax. This case isn't yours. You'll be talking to Huang and getting regular therapy until I figure you're fine. Find something else to work on."

"Yes sir," said Fin, who was looking more relaxed.

"You," he said, rounding on me. "You told me you could handle this. You're off the case, and you'll be on leave until I say other wise. Elliot, what he said was disgusting, but you've been off the hook since last night. I told you that you were too close, and you managed to convince me to let you stay on. I don't want you home by yourself, so God knows what I'm going to do with you. You could have killed him, do you understand that?"

"Yes sir," I said slowly. I felt the dull thudding inside of me again. I was calming down but I knew what he'd do – he'd make me see a shrink. I fucking hate them, especially Huang. We've never gotten along. We're only friendly enough to say hello in the morning, sometimes not even that.

"You're going to be getting therapy too. You were going fine for awhile, but just recently it spiked, and today was inexcusable."

George walked up to stand by Cragen. "I could talk to both of them today," he offered, then turned to me. "Elliot, did you want to come to my office?"

"No," I said instantly. He offered, I declined, end of story. I wasn't spilling my guts to a shrink, they've never done me any good anyway. Whining was for the weak, and I sure as hell wasn't. I didn't need therapy, and that was that.

"You're going," said Cragen, "and that's an order."