Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing

Luna: My apologies for the late update, to make it up to all my fans; I've decided to make this SUPER long! Thanks for the reviews!

Chapter 3: Insert Witty Title Here

After Genis' ass was rendered black and blue, he joined Lloyd back in Iselia.

They got to Colette's house, where the Mayor, Kratos, Raine, Granny and Colette were.

" Then we shall entrust the protection of the chosen to a fly by night mercenary and a child abuser teacher," said The Mayor.

" I have no objections…unless you stop paying me," said Kratos, dully.

" Thank you so much for your help earlier!" piped up Colette, " I got a shiny!"
Granny finally noticed their existence and said, " Here's a small token of my appreciation. And by small, I mean cheap and useless."

OBTAINED COLLECTER'S BOOK!
"Uh…Thanks?" said Genis, blinking.

" Say, were you guys talking about world regeneration?" asked Lloyd, perking up.

" Yes."

" I wanna go, too! I need an excuse to get out of school because I'm a slacker!" said Lloyd, excited.

" If my abusive sister's going too, I want to go," whined Genis.

" No…you'll all get in the way," said Kratos cooly, " And probably become more flammable."
At the mention of fire, Colette brightened.

" What?" asked Lloyd.

" The battles at the chapel are nothing-" he began.

" No! I meant, what did you say about me being more flammable?" asked Lloyd.

" Colette…is special in the head, you see…" said Granny.

" Oh."

Suddenly, Kratos' other statements sunk in.

" No! I want to come! Please!" cried Lloyd, " You don't know what its like in her class!"
" Then wouldn't it make more sense to stay behind since Raine is coming with us?" asked Kratos, rolling his eyes in a 'My-God-Your-Such-A-Dumbass' way.

" Oh yeah…" he admitted, then remembered his desire to constantly prove Kratos wrong even when he was always right, " I mean, shutup!"

In a huff, Lloyd stalked out of the house, Genis at his heels. As usual.

" Please wait!" cried Colette, and threw open the door.

" Oh yeah!" cried Genis, suddenly, " I baked you cookies for your birthday with stupid smiley faces on them."

Colette's mouth watered at the mention of cookies, and Lloyd muttered 'cheap skate' under his breath.

Genis heard this and gave him the millionth death glare that day.

" So what did you get her?" he challenged.

Judging by the blank look on his friend's face, Genis assumed that Lloyd completely forgot.

" I…uh…cometomyhouselatersoIcangiveyouacrappyhomemadegiftIspent2secondson Bye!" he said, hastily.

He proceeded to run off in shame, as Genis begrudgingly followed.

Colette let out a dreamy sigh and said, " He's so thoughtful…"
" Hey, Lloyd, can I come part of the way home with you?" asked Genis, when they got far enough away, " I have a friend I want to see."

" Friend? You mean, you have friends?" asked Lloyd, in shock.

Seeing the one millionth death glare, he quickly added, " I mean, outside the village?"
" Yeah…I need to see her."

At the mention of 'her', he snickered.

" Is it your girlfriend, Genis?"

Genis looked terrified, then pissed.

" HELL NO!"

But to Lloyd that meant, " hell yes! But I'm not telling you!"
The gruesome twosome made their way to the village gates, when Nameless Guard #1 screamed, " You! Lloyd! Get this creature out of here!"

It was Noishe, his massive, green, bunny hybrid-looking dog. And he was taking a massive, green, bunny-hybrid looking dump.

" Ewww…" said Genis, turning his nose in disgust.

Nameless Guard #2 pointed to the 'Curb Your Dog' sign.

" Dammnit…" mumbled Lloyd.

The 'curbing of the dog' took 20 minutes, 20 minutes in which Genis amused himself by casting Stone Blast on passersby's.

" Remember, don't go to the human ranch in the forest," said Nameless Guard #2...or was it one? Ah, who cares?
" Okay!" said Lloyd, grinning as Genis blanched.

So he and Genis left, encountering random battles in the form of…jello? These monsters looked like cheap, jello versions of Heartless; which scared poor Lloyd to no end. But when one rammed into him, it was merely a demon bunny and its equally evil woodland breathen.

" Plot Hole number 2," said Genis, tallying up the plot holes so far.

Anyway, they entered Iselia forest and Noishe looked around then promptly ran the other way.

" Aw, come on, Noishe! I clean up after you and nearly get fine 200 Gald and you run out on me?" cried Lloyd.

Genis just shook his head.

They trekked through the forest, as Lloyd decided to pry Genis for answers.

" So what does she look like?" asked Lloyd, slyly.

"…Who?"

" Your girl- I mean, friend."

" Uh…She's old…"

Lloyd figured old meant his age to Genis, but then again he was the loser who was friends with a smart ass 14 year old and the town idiot.

Genis halted at the Desian Human Ranch.

" This is my stop," he declared.

" Wait…She's a prisoner? Wow, that's pretty kinky," said Lloyd.

"…Jackass…" said Genis, sighing.

He began walking when Lloyd cried, " Hey! I wanna meet her, too!"
Genis lead him around the back where a gray-haired old woman met them.

" Marble!" he exclaimed, " Did you see the oracle?"

Lloyd, however, was disgusted.

" This is her? She's so…OLD! Gross!" he cried.

"…I see you've brought your friend," mused Marble, " Just as you described him. A jackass."
" But…come on! She's a pedophile!" ranted Lloyd.

" Lloyd, we're not dating for Martel's sake! Geez…" he replied.

"…I saw the oracle, Genis. And it was so bright it burned my retinas. Now I'm blind."

" What?"

" Just kidding!" she replied, giggling.

Lloyd and Genis exchanged 'WTF!' looks.

Anyway, Lloyd became distracted by the shiny marble embedded in her hand.

" Hey, Marble, there's marble stuck in your hand!" he quipped, laughing.

Crickets chirped.

"…Uh…Anyway, its an Exsphere. An Exsphere without a Key Crest is dangerous and illegal; like the relationship you have with Genis," said Lloyd, attention span of a graham cracker making him forget Genis' denial. Or perhaps he did remember and just liked messing with him.

" How many times do I have to tell you?" cried Genis, " She isn't my girlfriend! God-I mean, Martel!"
Ignoring this, he continued, " With no Key Crest, your screwed. I could carve a Key Crest charm, but I'd need a mount, ore and a sandwich. Man, I'm hungry…"
" Lloyd! You have to do something!" screamed Genis.

" Not my woman-"
" ARGHHH!"

" Fine, fine; I'll get Dad to help."

" That's why I like you, Lloyd," said Genis, " You easily bend to my will."

" Please, don't trouble yourself," interrupted Marble.

" Oh…Okay then," said Lloyd, shrugging.

" Hey! Old Hag!" screamed a Desian, " What are you doing over there?"
" Oh no…Run away! Run away if you want to survive!" cried Marble.

" You've got to break free, oh oh oh!" continued Lloyd, musical ADD kicking in.

" Shutup, Lloyd!"
" But who knows what'll happen if we run," said Lloyd, back to normal; whatever 'normal' was for him.

" I know that, but we're useless and stuff; so lets go!"

" Point taken."

They ran off. Again.

" What're you doing?" asked Desian #500.

She hid the spork behind her back that she had with her the entire time.

" I wasn't planning on tunneling out of here with a spork it that's what you were thinking…" said Marble, quickly.

" Someone's got an attitude! 30 lashes!" cried Desian #520.

" Yeah! Bondage and old ladies are fun!" declared Desian #500.

The other 2 Desians backed away, slowly.

" This doesn't look good…" said Lloyd, watching.

" But what can we do!" asked Genis.

Lloyd, who was a tad fed up with Pansy Boy said, " Maybe if you grew a pair, maybe I wouldn't have to do everything-"
" HEY!"
This greatly angered Genis, who said, " I got a plan! We get higher ground and see what's happening!"

So they found a convient cliff where Lloyd used his super jumping powers to get up there.

He witnessed Marble being whipped by the sadistic Desians, as Lloyd said, " We have to save her! Genis, attack them with magic here and I'll be the decoy!"

" But won't we get in trouble?"

" Some boyfriend you are. If I were Marble, I'd dump you right now."
Genis didn't even attempt to fight it and just said, " Okay…Here's some cookies. Eat it and your sugar level will sky rocket, get a better chance of getting diabetes and colon cancer. But…it IS chocolately and somehow will magically heal you."

Genis stopped to consider what he said, mystified how cookies could heal internal bleeding and gaping chest wounds, so he mentally put it down as 'Plot Hole Number 3.'

Unable to argue with such logic, Lloyd stuffed his face as Genis cast Fireball on Marble's attackers.

" What the?" cried Desian 500, his pants lit aflame.

Lloyd jumped across the wall, as they screamed " GET HIM!"
The Desians chased Lloyd as Genis stealthily snuck off. And what I mean by 'stealthily sneaking off' I mean Sam Fisher at age 70 with a broken hip and a walking cane. SO he tripped, drawing unnecessary attention to himself.

" Oh no…" said Lloyd, and went in reverse to save Genis.

He had to fight 2 cleverly titled 'Whip Master' Desians. No wonder why the game was rated T for teen…After a couple of 'Shadow' Thrusts' and 'Gopher Fangs' victory was his.

Lloyd kept running and lost them, somehow ending up back with Genis.

" I'm so sorry! They saw you and its all my fault!" cried Genis, actually upset.

"…Its okay. I killed the Desians who saw me in cold blood and the others didn't see me cause I had a paper bag over my head."

" Really?"
" yeah, still on, too! Its invisible!"
Genis sighed.

" Anyway, just do my homework for me," said Lloyd, still chipper despite killing 2 human beings. Half-Human beings…whatever.

" Sure…I'll go back to town now." said Genis, and left.

Meanwhile…

Up top a cliff was a blue-haired Desian with an eye-patch. Apparently, he was 'Pirate Desian Man'. He was surrounded by 2 less important Desians. And his name was actually ? Typical…

" Get the surveillance camera footage pf the intruder." he demanded, and the other 2 scampered off.

? Stared off into the distance.

" How'd a mere human survive a jump like that? And jump that high? Must be those Air Jordans…" he mused.

Back to Musical ADD twin swordsman…

Lloyd finally reached his house.

" Ah, welcome home, son." said Dirk, beaming.

" Say, Dad, can you make me a Key Crest? For my friend?" asked Lloyd, hopeful.

Dirk blinked.

" Who's this friend of yours?"
" Uh…a mercenary. A traveling mercenary! He's a condensing asshole!"

"…If he really was condensing, his Exsphere would've had a Key Crest." said Dirk, bluntly, " "Did you meet this person at the ranch?"

" No…Maybe…Ah…Yeah…"
" Did they see your Exsphere?"
" No…Why do I have to hide it, again?"
" Because it's special."
" Like Colette?"
" No! Special because your mom died protecting it when she was killed by Desians!"

"…WHAT?" hollered Lloyd, " You lied to me! Your not my Daddy! I'm gonna run away and join the circus!"
Lloyd ran out of his house, confronted with Genis, the child abuser, Kratos and the ditz.

" Oh…you all heard that just now, huh?"
" I'm sorry, Lloyd!" said Genis, remorseful, " If I wasn't so stupid, you wouldn't of even considered joining the freak show."

" Who said I was joining the freak show?" asked Lloyd.

" You said circus…so I…er, never mind."

" Lloyd, can I talk to you?" asked Colette, dumbly, " Alone?"
" I don't know…can you?"
" I'll wait at the bench!" she replied, totally missing the point of the joke.

She skipped off-

Happy happy joy jo-

She sat down.

Lloyd went straight to Kratos, and was surprised to find him at his mother's tombstone.

" Is this you mother, Anna?" he asked.

" Yeah…wait! How'd you know her name!"

" Because its on the tombstone!" he said, a little too quickly.

Kratos began to sweat as Lloyd shrugged it off.

" Is your Dad alive?"
" I don't know. He ran off as Mom died slowly and painfully."
" I see…"
Bored with Kratos, Lloyd decided to annoy Raine.

" So your really leaving tomorrow?" he asked, hopeful.

" Yeah, why? Gonna miss me?" asked Raine.

" Psh, no. I was just wondering if I should go ahead with the 'Ding-Dong the Wicked Witch is AWOL' party." explained Lloyd.

He got a dusty eraser square in the kisser. Sulking, he moved on to Genis.

" Desians are half-elves, so are all half-elves bad?" asked Genis.

" Well, they killed my mom; so Duh! Why you asking?"

" N-No reason…"

Since he talked to everyone in the vicinity, he finally went to talk to an overexcited Colette; and steeled himself for a 'Heart To Heart' with her.

They went to the terrace-

Happy happy joy joy! Happy, happy, joy, joy-

He had a good mind to stab himself in the heart just then.

" I'm sorry that I didn't make your present in time…" said Lloyd, scratching his head.

" It's okay. Just give me a kiss! Or wish me a happy birthday…" she said.

In his head he screamed ' HELL NO! STUPIDITY COULD BE CONTAGIOUS!' so instead he said, " Look! Shiny stars!"
" What? Where?" she cried, and looked to the sky, " Oh…Pretty…"
Lloyd mentally gave himself a pat on the back for getting out of that one.

" So…I'm really the daughter of an angel…"said Colette, suddenly.

" So? It doesn't matter who your father is, your still you. AS in retarded. You just have 2 dads: One pansy wuss who watches soaps all day and an angel who thinks he's Bob Barker."

" Wow Lloyd, your right. Anyway, I have to go. We leave at noon tomorrow."

" Okay. See you tomorrow." said Lloyd and sighed in relief.

Now he had to make her a present…

Luna: Whew! Long…Anyway, Review! I will try to update as soon as possible in the next week!