Chapter Three: Sarek, 1315
Disclaimer: I sit at a computer and mess around with characters I borrow, and this is what comes out. I make no money from it.
There it is—the look.
As he steps across the shuttle bay, Sarek sees the young helmsman, Sulu, catch Spock's eye. And Spock returns the look.
Fascinating. When did Spock become so adept at communicating with a glance, something humans do instinctively? Amanda complained often that neither Spock nor Sarek paid sufficient attention to learn human nonverbal communication, but it wasn't a matter of attention. He had tried. Over time he came to recognize that the narrowing or widening of the eyes was important, that the motion of the iris meant something—though he was at a loss to say what.
"You just don't want to know," Amanda accused him more than once.
In that, at least, she was wrong. He does want to know. Being in a room of humans who are talking and simultaneously silently sending signals is like being in a foreign country, unable to speak the language.
And now Spock is communicating something to the helmsman and Sarek doesn't have a clue what.
In moments like these he feels Amanda's absence keenly. Often she had sensed his bafflement at some witticism or innuendo or meaningful glance at a diplomatic banquet and had stepped in, feigning exasperation with him, laughing and placing her hand on the arm of whatever delegate he might have inadvertently offended, trilling off something amusing like "Oh, you mustn't mind my husband! He's teasing you, Vulcan style!"
She would have known what he had done wrong earlier in the shuttlecraft, too—would have soothed what she called the ruffled feathers of the young helmsman. Sarek replays the entirety of their conversation in his mind. Nothing he had said should have been cause for distress, yet Sulu looked flushed twice during the trip and sounded annoyed when Sarek advised him to redirect his attention to improving his piloting skills rather than pursuing botany or fencing as pastimes. The hard landing of the shuttle was proof that Sarek's advice was sound. Why should anyone find valuable advice offensive?
Yet it was, apparently.
Even for Spock, who still bristles when Sarek tries to help him benefit from his own experiences. Not even their shared grief has smoothed all the rough edges of their relationship—and, Sarek admits to himself in private, probably never will.
"I must speak with you," Sarek says to Spock as Sulu exits the shuttle bay ahead of them.
"Of course," Spock says, motioning for his father to lead the way to the corridor. "Though another time might be preferable. The Elders have asked Captain Kirk to send the survey and medical teams down as soon as possible."
"It is of the Elders I wish to speak," Sarek says, and Spock's gait falters a fraction before he stops and turns to his father. Tucking his hands behind his back, he tilts his head and waits.
How to begin? Sarek has debated this since Sotar approached him two days ago.
Sometimes you simply have to jump into things. Amanda's words, said more than once when she became impatient with what she considered Sarek's excessive calculations about a situation.
Sometimes you simply have to jump into things.
The first time she ever spoke those words, she was not only impatient but angry—at his hesitation about continuing and formalizing a relationship with her. But he was concerned about his career, and hers—concerned about their families and the disapproval he sensed on both sides. And Sybok? How would Amanda feel about helping to raise another woman's child? And if they could have children of their own—should they?
He knew too well the effects of Vulcan prejudice. Would he wish that for anyone else?
In the end, of course, he had jumped, had married Amanda, not only because he loved her, as he told Spock in the transporter room that terrible day months ago, but because he couldn't imagine not having her in his life.
Not having her in his life now is barely imaginable. In the moments between waking and opening his eyes each day, he fails to remember that she is gone.
Then the silence in his mind washes over him and he rises quickly, jumping into whatever work is handy. And these days, work is plenty on New Vulcan.
"They've asked me to approach you," Sarek says, and though he often feels blind to the verbal tics of humans, he understands Spock's body language well. As he expected, his son is wary, irritated.
"Why didn't they speak to me personally?"
Taking a step down the hall, Sarek waits a beat for Spock to follow him before he continues.
"I believe they will," he says, "when you are planetside."
Spock says nothing but Sarek hears his breathing becoming more forced. Anger?
"While they respect your decision to remain in Starfleet, they are asking you to reconsider. As you will undoubtedly note when you do your survey, the infrastructure of the colony is behind schedule. Only the medical facility and the main government buildings are complete. The power plant is running at half capacity, and most of the housing is still temporary. Your skills as a scientist are sorely needed."
Sarek hears Spock take a breath—a prelude to a response, no doubt—but he looks up and sees a uniformed crewman approaching from the other end of the corridor. As she passes them, she nods and says, "Commander."
"Ensign Singh," Spock says.
Reaching the turbolift, Sarek watches as Spock presses the call button. To his surprise, he feels a wave of pride in Spock's accomplishments—his easy familiarity with the ship, his crewmates.
Or perhaps what he feels is a reflection of Spock's own feelings vibrating through their family bond. Through the years they've tamped their mental connection into a thin thread, an airy line that sometimes blooms into greater awareness, as it had the day Spock was hurt in a hover bus accident, for instance.
Since Amanda's death Sarek has found himself listening to the faint hum of Spock's mind in his own more often than usual, comforting himself with the only voice left there.
If Spock is aware of his father's occasional gentle mental explorations, he has not said anything about it.
Not that Sarek expects him to.
The lift arrives and both men step in.
"My skills as a scientist are needed in Starfleet," Spock says as the turbolift begins to move.
"Starfleet has many scientists," Sarek says. "You can be replaced there. You cannot be replaced on New Vulcan."
He feels a flash of anger from Spock.
"If you refer to my reproductive responsibility," Spock says so softly that Sarek has to strain to hear him, "one half-Vulcan should be of little interest to the Council."
The turbolift judders to a halt and Spock moves forward.
"Spock."
He doesn't raise his voice, but Sarek knows he doesn't need to. Spock slows and stops and Sarek catches up to him.
"The Elders do not make their request lightly. And neither do I. I am aware that you have a life here—companions…"
He pauses, watching Spock parse his meaning of companions.
"Your relationship with Lieutenant Uhura—"
"I do not require your advice about my relationships."
Spock makes as if to walk away, his back ramrod straight, an undisguised frown on his face.
"In this matter, no one else is better able to give it than I am," Sarek says, struggling to keep the note of despair from his voice. "Your mother and I—you surely realize, Spock, that we searched a long time to find a healer who could help us bond properly—"
"Father, the survey team will be signaling shortly," Spock says, interrupting him, taking a step toward the open door of the galley. From inside the room Sarek hears the sound of people eating and chatting, a sudden burst of laughter, the scrape of a chair. "If you wish to eat, you may join us."
A dismissal dressed as an invitation.
Without looking back, Spock makes his way through the crowded room to where Lieutenant Uhura sits at a small table. As if she senses his approach, she looks up from her salad and smiles. Then her gaze travels past Spock to Sarek, standing in the doorway.
For a moment Sarek wavers. The last time he spoke to the lieutenant was in Spock's apartment, a few days after the Enterprise returned to Earth after the loss of Vulcan. She was furious with him then, angry that Spock had initially agreed to resign his commission, blaming Sarek for pressuring him. The intensity of her anger had startled him, speaking as it did of the depth of her feelings for his son.
And Spock's feelings for her? Spock's ultimate decision not to join the colonists spoke volumes.
Sarek could appeal to her better self—lay out the reasons it makes logical sense for Spock to stay on the colony. Now that the shock has begun to subside and the dire reality of the genocide is being tallied, she might agree, might be willing to set aside her own desires for the good of the many.
He takes one step into the room.
From here he can see the lieutenant with an unobstructed view. With a jolt, he feels such a stab of sorrow that it takes his breath away. Perhaps it is the room full of humans, so reminiscent of numerous gatherings he squired Amanda to in his early days as an ambassador.
Or perhaps it is the lieutenant herself—lithe and dark, her hair pulled away from her high cheekbones, looking nothing like Amanda and yet reminding Sarek of her somehow—that same careful attitude, that some watchful grace.
Her eyes meet his and she gives him a look.
Across the room he knows that her eyes, her posture, the knit in her brow all communicate her sadness for him—her sympathy spoken in nameless gestures, her empathy for him reaching out like a tangible thing, brushing his mind, easing his pain.
And then he knows. She and Spock may not be formally bonded, but they share something…
And because of it, she is able to touch him, too.
Her expression is as clear to him as if she were shouting out the words.
So this is the secret of understanding a look. This is why Amanda's face was always an open book, even for him.
Here is my heart, the look says. Here is my mind.
He turns and moves back out of the galley. The Elders asked him to speak to Spock; he's discharged that duty. He will not ask Spock to give anything up again.
A/N: We're getting closer to 18:27—that moment when Spock and McCoy disappear in the transporter room. But first you need to hear from each of them…
Thanks so much to the faithful readers who have stuck with this story so far! And if you are one of the people who takes the time and trouble to review, you are gold!
In my little timeline, this story comes right after "Truth and Lies" and before "Once and Future."
Thanks to StarTrekFanWriter for her support. She has a new chapter of Tapestry up!