Hello! Me again! I'm going on a school music tour to Belgium next week, so the update may be a little late, but I shall do my best!
Disclaimer: As before, Tales of Symphonia is still sadly out of my reach. However, once my raid has been carried out and I have the documents... Er, I mean, and I shall never own it. Ahem. Nor the song, which is "Deep in the Heart" by U2. I will write a fic without lyrics in it one day, I swear.
This one's a bit strange, I have to say. But I'm always happy to oblige when people ask me to write more Reviews keep me writing people.
#75, Desire. Although actually it's based around denying said desire... Well, I hope you all like it, at least. Mentions of past Kranna in this one as well.
Deep in the Heart
Angel, everything's gonna be all right, Angel, everything's gonna work out tonight…
Kratos Aurion was on night watch. He was always on night watch, as a matter of fact. He always offered, and he always stayed up all night. He was wondering absently why the others didn't wonder when he slept.
They were staying in an Inn in Asgard, so by rights they didn't exactly need a night watch, but Kratos needed something to do with his night times. Once he was certain Lloyd was in a deep sleep – which wasn't hard to tell, really, the teen had a tendency to talk in his sleep – he would sneak out and sit on the steps outside the Inn, or wherever was convenient, and watch.
He wasn't watching for anything in particular. Half the time he would sit and look at the stars. Counting stars passed the time for those who couldn't sleep. Kratos was on his third count, currently at 1045…
"Mr. Aurion, don't you think you should be asleep?" Kratos started at the sound and turned around, putting out a hand to steady himself. He was sitting on one of the broken rock arches that jutted out from various points in Asgard.
"Raine…" He murmured, standing up. "I… Couldn't sleep…" The excuse was lame, even Colette had realised it was lame when she had used it on Lloyd, but it would have to do. What other explanation could he give? 'I'm sitting out here because I haven't slept for four thousand years and need something to do with my time' wouldn't really go down well with the elf, who didn't trust him as it was.
"Is that so?" Raine responded as he walked over to her across the arch. "Do you really think such daredevil antics will help matters?"
"I was counting stars…" Ha, as if it would have mattered if he'd fallen. He could have flown to the ground, so long as no-one was looking. Raine gave him a stern look.
"Back in the Inn, now," she ordered, as though she were dealing with a child. Kratos bristled slightly. Even after lying slightly about his age… Lying a lot about his age… He was still the senior of the two. By his lie, there were four years between them. By the truth… Four thousand and four. What a pleasant little palindrome. He jerked away as she touched his arm as though to lead him back.
"Don't," he muttered stiffly. Not only did he dislike being led, but that was exactly the way Anna had touched him… He shook his head mentally to clear the images from his mind. Don't think about her.
"Stop being such a child," Raine chastised. Kratos grimaced. If only she knew.
"Stop trying to lead me about like one, then," he muttered huffily. "I know what I am doing. Leave me be." Raine frowned.
"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were acting like Colette," she decided. Kratos resisted the urge to tell her that she really didn't know better, as it would not under any circumstances get him in her good books.
Not that he really cared whether he was in her good books or not…
"I am most certainly not acting like Colette," Kratos denied viciously, looking affronted. Well, he was. He most certainly was not some pansy of a Chosen who believed in love and peace and that her sacrifice would make everything all right again. Well, it would make everything all right again… For Sylvarant. And even then, if she was a good enough Mana match to Martel, not even Sylvarant would be doing very well…
"Then grow up and get the right amount of sleep for once," Raine snapped. "If you do badly, Lloyd will worry, and then Lloyd will do badly, and then Genis and Colette will worry…" It really was quite a vicious cycle, apparently.
"Lloyd shouldn't worry about me. I can handle myself," Kratos snapped, hiding his guilt expertly. Yes, Lloyd did worry… And he would hurt when Kratos betrayed him. He marvelled at how callous he had become… Cold enough to betray his own son for Mithos.
But then, Mithos didn't know exactly why he was betraying his son…
Raine looked up at the sky suddenly, and eventually Kratos realised that it had started to rain. But for him, it was the sound of the raindrops that alerted him rather than the drops landing on his skin, because, of course, he no longer felt those…
A perfect angel. Almost.
"We should go inside," Raine murmured. "Unless you want to continue being a pouty teenager in the rain." Kratos practically beat her inside.
The scent of cedar, I can still see her, you can't return to the place you never left…
He brushed off the look Raine gave him as he volunteered to be night watch the next night. They were out in the woods, having not walked fast enough to reach the House of Salvation… Kratos hated the places anyway. Salvation was such a lie. And they believed so easily! He wondered how Mithos had managed to make such fools out of his race.
He was sat with Noishe, and it was about midnight before Raine came to sit with him.
"Make sure you get some sleep tonight," she told him. He gave her a long look.
"And you," he responded. "I'm not the only one who stays up too late." Raine laughed, and moved as if to touch him, then stopped herself. Kratos felt his pulse quicken slightly. Anna… Anna used to do that, before they had admitted their love… No! No, he was not falling in love with Raine! And she most certainly did not love him! I can't betray Anna's memory like that…
There were a few moments of awkward silence, then Raine eventually left. Kratos was left to deal with his memories, which seemed unwilling to leave him alone. It was like having a waking dream… He leant back against a tree, willing his past to stop bugging him and just stay in his memories. He remembered the flow of her hair, the feel of her breath on his neck, the sweet taste of her kiss…
He wasn't certain when the thoughts of Anna turned into thoughts of Raine, but he sat forwards and swore when he realised. That was a rare event, Kratos swearing, but he felt it was worth it. He had not fallen in love with Raine, he hadn't, he hadn't…
He tried very hard to stop himself looking over at her, and failed miserably.
All right, perhaps he had fallen a little in love with her, but not much. And he certainly wasn't going to do anything about it. Nothing at all. Because he didn't need her, and he couldn't betray Anna that way…
Anna's memory. Anna was dead, he had killed her… And he wondered, suddenly, if he was more afraid to betray her memory, or if he would hurt Raine the same way.
Green as the leaves, and the cure of the meadow stain…
They camped out in the middle of a field the next night, on their way to Luin. The sight of the city in the distance was sending waves of worry through Kratos… Anna's town. Why would her memories not leave him alone? He had one hand on the locket, looking out into the distance, his heart full of confusion. What was right and what was wrong? He didn't love Raine, he didn't love her…
"Kratos?" Her again.
Go away go away go away. "Ah… Miss Sage. What is wrong?" Oh Kharlan, she'd see straight through that, he never called her 'Miss Sage'…
"Something's up with you. I came to find out what it was," she responded levelly, sitting by him. So close… He fought the quickening of his pulse. No, he most certainly did not love her…
"I'm… I'm fine," he responded, in what he hoped was a level voice. Mentally he was cursing himself and his lack of control.
"You don't sound it, and you certainly don't look it." Kratos fought back panic. No, he did not love her, Kharlan damn it all! He wondered what had given him away.
"Honestly. I am fine," he responded. Raine touched his arm, and it sent a shiver down his spine. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Raine had an amused look in her eyes.
"Are you sure?" She responded. "You've been acting strange for these past few days… I thought that perhaps you were coming down with a fever…" Kratos fought back a bitter laugh.
"I don't get sick," he responded. It was true. Angels didn't catch illnesses, much like they didn't sleep, or feel… Raine sighed.
"Well, something is up," she responded. "I was just hoping you were going to tell me what…" He had to pull away when she moved her hand.
I don't love her, I don't love her, I do NOT love her…
"Kratos?" She murmured. There was confusion, and also a little hurt in her voice. "Are you…" He turned to face her, saw her eyes looking at him with hidden emotion.
"I… There's nothing wrong with me…" He murmured. "I just…" He did not love her, no he most certainly did not, and the kiss that he pulled the surprised elf into was most certainly platonic, nothing of love in it at all…
And the way they both ended up on the floor, Raine tugging at his cape, was completely simply friendship…
And how well he got to know her wasn't love at all…
And there was no intimacy in the way he ran his hands through her hair…
Door is closed behind me now, the window is sealed to shut out the light…
Of course he didn't love her… He drew his sword with a determined look on his face. Lloyd was shouting at him about betrayal – why shouldn't he? That was exactly what it was…
They had only been acquaintances. Of course, he told himself, as he missed openings that Lloyd left and let her heal the teen.
There had been no affection. How could there have been? And he let Lloyd beat him back, aim his swords with shaking hands at his chest.
He hadn't been devoted to her. There was no way. He saw her silently mouth one word, 'why?'
Why indeed?
There had been no love in it at all. No love in the way he had held her. No love in the way he had whispered shaky words in her ear. Yggdrasill told them who he was.
She had never captivated him. Of course not. He had been held by her eyes as she whispered back… Lloyd was flung against a pillar and all of them cried out in distress.
There had been no passion. He had kissed her desperately and moaned her name softly. He made a torn noise as Yggdrasill raised the Eternal Sword.
He hadn't adored her and needed her so badly it tore him in two when she wasn't around. He had run his hands down her soft skin… He moved as though to block the sword as the Renegades arrived.
She hadn't enchanted him, of course not. He watched with pain in his eyes as she and the others left, left with his son, all he had left of Anna… Whom he had killed. He had nearly killed Raine. What sort of man was he?
He whispered her name softly as he warped up to Derris-Kharlan, giving in to the rapture, wondering if he would ever see that passion in her eyes again, or even if he deserved it.
He loved her so much.
Do your work, and it'll work out right, deep in the heart, deep in the heart of this place…
Fin
A/N: I quite like that one, actually. #32, Quiz, is currently in the works, but it's looking rather long so I may make it a two-shot.
I also have a story based around an altered game storyline, which mostly involves Forcystus switching sides... Well, it's hard to describe. If anyone wants me to I might put a chapter up, you can see if you like it.
Tell me what you think! Click that little button by the review option, and I'll give you a cookie! My three reviewers get a cookie! That's Haku (Shortened due to memory), Ficlover and Penamesolen, even if the latter didn't like it. Imagine the cookie, it's right there ;)