You Went Down the Wrong Warp Pipe

by Lucent Shadow

This is obviously a one-shot. Obviously. Also, this is not canon to my main series. There may be cannons hidden somewhere though.

3. The WAH-cast: Episode 70 - Hour 1

The WAH-cast #70: Hour 1:

A loud, manic dose of hybrid bluegrass-thrash metal music blared all throughout the sports-themed studio as four people gathered around their respective mikes at the main table and put their headphones on. The tall, stringy man in purple and black overalls was the first to speak into his mike and mix in his irritatingly gritty, nasally voice into the background music.

"WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH – IT'S THE WAH-CAST! You wanna WAH?! YOU WANNA WAH?! YOU WANNA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH?! I ain't stopping ya, because we're in a world where if ya wanna wah, you can wah loud and proud; this is WAH nation! Bababada-baba-BA-da-ba-BAAH-De-WAH nation! Bababada-baba-BA-da-ba-BAAH-De-WAH nation! Bababada-baba-BA-da-ba-BAAH-De-WAH-de-badada-badadada-ba-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo! YEAH! It's Waluigi time! WA-LU-I-GI yeah, yeah, YEAH!"

The bluegrass-metal played through on its own for a while, and it continued and would continue after Waluigi resumed talking. "7:02 central standard down in Mushroom Kingdom on a brisk September Friday evening! Whether you're listening to us live or later on on podcast, all that matters is that you're getting in your daily allotted time to WAH. It's about as perfect of a day and night as you can expect after an oppressive summer season, so there has to be a ton of people out and about. Thank you for choosing us to spend your early evening drive with, ya lousy bums... Broadcasting from the GP Auto Parts studios in Mushroom City; as always, joined by my producers Riggs and Magic Mark. Also, because it's a Friday, we have shadow wielder and amateur personal trainer, Andrew 'Shady' Mitchell, in studio. If you need someone to whip you into shape, he's your guy...because he's obviously too fit to sit in a chair like the rest of us here, even though he'll get tired after running a half a mile."

"We all have weaknesses," Andrew said.

"Oh, is that it," mumbled Waluigi. "By the way, those were a nice three picks you threw at Crystal Palace."

"Did I win the game though?" said Andrew.

"Three picks in the first half!"

"Did I win the game though?"

"To be fair, one of those was tipped," Riggs the Hammer Bro said. "And then the third one was on third down and was sixty yards down the sideline, so that may as well have been a punt."

"That wasn't tipped – that hit the guy coming across the middle right off of his fingers," said Waluigi. "And it was off of his fingers when he brought his hands up to try and catch a ball that was thrown high; and why was it thrown high?"

"I was overthrowing some people for sure," said Andrew. "I'll be the first to say that I was off that whole first half, but screw the stats, we got the W, that's all that matters in the end."

"Barely got it," said Magic Mark, a red toad. "Your punt returner almost fumbled the ball away with 2:20 left in the 4th, which would've put Crystal Palace in field goal range, and they'd be up by two scores before you even got the ball back."

"Oh, you know what," Waluigi said. "You need to fire your kicker. I know it's a rec league and all, but cut his ass and don't even waste time trying to coach him – his only job was to kick, and he missed all three attempts you guys gave him, it was so embarrassing, he should never see the field again, I could aim better kicking backwards in a driving rainstorm and thundering monsoon than he did last night; those were the worst kicks I have ever seen inside of thirty yards, and it is not even close. What was his name?"

"Nah, don't put his name out there-" Andrew started to say.

"Fabio Sandoval," Magic Mark said. "You'd think yoshis would be good at kicking."

"He had the distance, he just couldn't aim," said Waluigi. "It was like walking into a public bathroom stall – he put it everywhere but where it was supposed to go. I feel bad for the guy. Does he have eye issues? Is one leg shorter than the other? Did he have his cleats on the wrong feet?"

"I swear, he was kicking just fine the past few weeks," said Andrew. "Last night was a bad night for him, but he bouta bounce back next week."

"Yeah, he's gonna bounce more balls out of bounds eighty yards away from the uprights," said Waluigi. "Legit, the only reason you guys didn't lose last night is because their offense couldn't move the ball. I mean, their offensive line looked horrendous. It was dreadful. I didn't stay for the whole game, but I saw enough to know that they were awful. They went nowhere on the ground, and they had their QB running around all night for his life – it was a miracle they put up 23 points. They should not have scored 10 points. Okay? That quarterback is gonna have nightmares – he's gonna walk down the sidewalk and be paranoid because he's gonna think everyone's gonna chase him and try to drive him into the ground. He had to have run a marathon just trying to avoid getting sacked."

"I think those guys have been having o-line issues since the season started," said Riggs.

"Oh, those weren't just issues," said Waluigi. "The big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew the whole line over on just about every play."

"You gotta give the guy some props for being so elusive with that poor protection," said Andrew.

"He didn't have a choice!" Waluigi yelled. "It was either run for his life or get his head knocked sideways!"

"Yeah, but that man was making some throws!" said Andrew. "He was opening things up with his legs, making things happen, making guys miss; like, that dude did just enough to give them a chance to win even though their offense was stalling. They get that o-line taken care of, nobody's gonna wanna play them. Their defense is already tough enough, but if they get that offense clicking? I tell ya what – some of those guys should be pros."

"Speaking of pros, how'd you like that game in New Donk last night?" said Waluigi. "Do you realize how much money I made people last night? I told everyone all week – take the points, it's a divisional game, Diamond City is on a roll, and New Donk is so embarrassingly overrated – and what did New Donk do? They fell flat on their asses! At home! All you losers on the Donkers bandwagon can shut up now, because you got worked on national TV, and your receivers dropped more balls than an all-boys middle school! Say goodbye to your undefeated season, you hacks! You plebs! Don't be surprised if you end up losing your next four too! How's 4-5 sound to ya? That sounds generous to me with how lucky you got in the first month! If you somehow make it into the playoffs, you're getting knocked out in the wild card round! Just don't even show up – don't get on the plane, don't act like you're the team to beat and championships are now just gonna magically fall into your lap overnight – be prepared for disappointment! It's coming."

"Yeah, we got to see the second half and thought that the scoreboard had typos at first," said Riggs. "48-11 should not have happened – what was that, a touch and a two point conversion with a field goal?"

"It was a safety and three field goals," said Waluigi. "They had a hundred and eighty net yards of offense all game. Diamond City had over three times that. Again, let this be known; the Donkers are a joke, a bunch of pretenders, their 4-0 start was a fluke, they might not break .500. Does anyone honestly expect the Donkers to do anything this winter?"

"Not at all," said Magic Mark. "I mean, you could say that this was just one game, but yeah; out of the remaining undefeated teams, they looked the shakiest and most vulnerable. They're not this dark horse everyone's trying to make them out to be. Not even close. And last night showed what happens when they play against the big boys."

"Alright, so, a ton to get into on the show today," said Waluigi. "We've got a stacked, loaded, engorged, throbbing, veiny weekend on tap; opening weekend for basketball and hockey, week five for football, last weekend of baseball before the playoffs start up, we've got The Worlds for cycling beginning Sunday morning, Starbeans Cup GOLF...to name a few, just a few, of this upcoming weekend's festivities as we're coming up on the calender end of summer...I know Shady's liking the sound of that."

"Why is Mushroom Kingdom a literal swamp?" said Andrew. "I feel like I'm walking through sludge and breathing in water-"

"Because there's mushrooms and fungi all over the place!" said Waluigi. "There's three things that are certain in life – death, taxes, and fungi and mold in the Mushroom Kingdom. That stuff likes this thousand-percent humidity here. This is the only part of the world where you can have sweat on top of your sweating sweat, am I right? Tell me I'm not right, and then tell me what it was like outside this time last week... Big, humongous, gigantic show going on, don't know how we're gonna fit everything into three hours, but we're gonna try. Riggs, I can already tell I'm gonna be extra raunchy today. I'm in that kind of mood. Expect to have to dump something. Maybe two per segment, just to be sure."

"You definitely caught me off guard with the dropping balls comment, but I should've expected it," said Riggs.

"That's right – expect everything," said Waluigi. "I don't know what's coming out of my mouth. I can't control it. I don't censor anything. There's no censorship here – nobody can censor me."

"Except for the station," said Magic Mark.

"Except for the station..." said Waluigi, ruffling some papers. "The number to get on the show – again, this is for those listening live. Don't expect anybody to pick up when you're listening to the podcast at two in the morning. Nobody will be here. We don't all just live here in the studio, waiting hand and foot for you to call us, fantasizing about hearing your voice on the phone for the five seconds before the connection drops because we live in a world where our phones can do everything except hold down phone calls... Number's 8002-553-700. That's 8002-553-700 if you wanna WAH... Toad Town's taking it to Kongo, 3-0 in the 75th minute. All three goals scored by Willingham, the rookie midfielder who seems to be everywhere on the field at once. How's that for a pickup – I mean, they were absolutely wretched until they picked that kid up. He has the most savage slide tackles and curve shots – it is absolutely ridiculous what this guy's doing to the league."

"He's already up to 15 goals on the season," said Magic Mark. "And he's only played in 12 games. He's by far the best rookie we've seen in the last decade, and nobody has any answers for him. It's like every game, he's doing something, whether it's scoring, assists, or defense across the middle of the field. They're averaging almost 60 minutes of possession per game, and over half of that is spent on the opponent's side of the field."

"You don't see that combination of that kind of speed and that kind of ball handling very often," said Riggs. "Barring injury, that kid's gonna have a legendary career if he keeps this up."

"If he keeps this up, we're picking Toad Town every single time for the rest of their season," said Waluigi. "What's their schedule looking like?"

"They've still got two more against Koopa Cape," said Riggs. "And they're both on the road. Other than that, they should be favored in all their remaining games."

"So do you think they're gonna run the table?" asked Waluigi.

"They could, barring whatever happens in those two games in Koopa Cape," said Riggs. "Those are the wild cards, but I don't see Toad Town losing the rest of the way. I mean, come on – Goomba Village? Petal Meadows? Poshley Heights?"

"Gross!" Waluigi screeched. "Who put their schedule together?!"

"They played into that schedule with the crappy season they had last year!" said Magic Mark.

"So you're saying that that one rookie made that much of an impact?" asked Andrew.

"Pretty much!" Magic Mark replied. "This time last year, Toad Town was dreadful like those other teams were; and now, they're gonna run roughshod all over those guys."

"So we're writing down Toad Town as automatic winners for every game left except for the two against KC?" asked Waluigi.

"I would for sure," said Riggs. "In fact, don't just do moneyline – do spread and lay the points when you can, because they've only had one win that was by a single goal. They've won by at least two when they do win."

Waluigi nodded. "Mm-hmm. We'll get into this weekends picks in the second hour. I'm sure everyone's gonna be crowding around their radios and podcasting devices for that, because all I do is win you roobs and knuckleheads fat stacks of cash. That's right; we hit 76 percent across the board last week. You try to tell me who's gonna get you better results, because I can't name anyone. All I do here is give you big, fat winners. Have I ever had a week where I've been under 50? Have I ever even been under 60?"

"Not that I can recall in recent memory," said Riggs.

"Uh-huh," said Waluigi. "We do nothing here but pick big, fat winners that get ya fat stacks that'll make your pockets fat. You'll never be in the red as long as you're listening to me, because I'm the only smart one knowledgeable enough and accomplished enough in working those Moonview odds into a consistent profit. You ready to hop aboard, Shady?"

"Not a chance," Andrew replied.

"Figures," said Waluigi. "You wuss."

"What do ya want me to say?" asked Andrew. "I never liked the idea of gambling."

"Yeah, of course you don't," Waluigi said. "Because all you like to do is lift weights, eat bland food, ride your little baby 150cc bike around in the slow lane and let old grandmas speed past you and give you the finger, watch sports without betting on anything, and then go to bed no later than 11 at night."

"Ain't nobody said I had to go a hundred miles per hour just because I'm on a bike," replied Andrew. "And I get twice as much mileage on the road compared to everybody else."

"If you're on anything under 200, you may as well just be on a bicycle," said Waluigi. "Ideally, you should be on something like Wario has. We're talking 400, 650, 800; that's a motorbike. That thing you have looks like something that came out of a toy store on clearance. You don't even have the purple right."

"Wrong – I got the right purple," said Andrew. "It's deep, it's dark, and it's warm. Don't come around me talking about 'I have the wrong purple' when your purple's looking like it's tinted blue."

"It's because I don't want to walk around looking like a bunch of grapes!" snapped Waluigi. "Get a real purple, you fruity eggplant!"

"I've got the real purple!" Andrew shouted. "My purple looks like purple! Your purple looks like blue! And it's faded! Why don't you check yourself before trying to mouth off on my purple?"

"I'm the one wearing the purple that a man should wear," said Waluigi. "You're over there trying to look like fruit."

"Look – if you wanna wear blue, then wear blue," said Andrew. "Don't wear a purple tinted blue that looks like blue, and then say it's purple. You know what that is? That's violet. Indigo. That's not purple! You wanna wear violet, that's fine – don't go around saying that violet is purple."

"What are you two laughing at?" Waluigi said to Riggs and Magic Mark.

"Every single time he's in studio, you go at it over purple!" hollered Magic Mark. "It never fails! Every single time!"

"Yeah, enough with this," said Waluigi. "Didn't I already say that we've got too much to go over on the show today?"

"It's a wonder how we almost never have time for everything on the outline," said Riggs.

"Complete wonder," said Waluigi. "Now, listen to this; the fight between Julian Panichello and Donkey Kong is being postponed because Panichello tested positive for four different banned substances on Thursday afternoon. Not one. Not two. Not three. Fouuuuurrr..."

"I thought I heard six somewhere," said Andrew.

"I'm telling ya – these guys think they're smarter than everybody else," said Waluigi. "Panichello is insisting that the reason for the results of elevated banned substances is because he ate tainted meat. What are they thinking when they give themselves a cocktail of drugs and then think that they'll get through testing without getting caught? I mean, to think they can cheat a test is one thing, but then to go ahead and try to pass it off as something that happened because he got meat from people pumping PEDs into their cows?"

"That's not even the bad part of it," said Riggs. "Actually, if you look at the test results, there is no way – like, even if he did eat tainted meat, there is absolutely no way that his readings are that high without some conscious influence there on his part. Like, there is no animal that is that dirty in nature, even from the sleaziest farm on the planet; and the fact that your body breaks down a lot of what is ingested orally of that stuff? No, no – there were pharmaceuticals and needles involved, and this guy knew full well what was going on."

"Panichello is looking at a suspension to last through the end of the year, at a minimum," Waluigi said. "Early reports are saying that he'll likely appeal – I mean, why even bother with this guy? Isn't this, like, the third or fourth time he's been caught doing something?"

"I hope his appeal gets accepted so that DK gets to knock him out," said Andrew.

"That'd be the one good thing about him being allowed to fight," said Waluigi. "I mean, honestly. This guy, should not even be fighting anymore – he should never see a boxing ring ever again. He should get a lifetime ban, and his house should get raided; because I guarantee you he's got, like, a drug cartel in his basement, or his attic. Somewhere in that house – like, he's got stuff in the kitchen, and people'll be saying that they're going to go to a party, and they go there, and they leave the house jacked and shredded just off of being there, in the house, because there's so many drugs in there, the air there is polluted. You're literally breathing it in the moment you walk inside. Yeah, I'd buy that he ate some tainted meat – because whatever he's buying is soaking up all the steroid fumes in the house!"

"I don't think we really should get on the guy for the fact that he's taking them though," said Andrew. "I'm of the mindset that people can do whatever they want, so if he wants to drug himself out, then, hey, all the more power to him. Just don't compete. Don't go into a competitive environment when you know you have an unfair, dirty advantage – and, don't lie about it."

"And don't make up BS excuses," added Riggs.

"What did he say for the last time he got caught?" asked Waluigi. "Wasn't it something about getting protein powder from an unreliable source? I swear – just, just ban him. Ban him, and don't anyone ever let him get near any boxing ring ever again. Don't even let him put on a boxing match on TV. Make him throw out all his boxing gear, and he can stick himself with needles and take pills as much as he wants. I hate cheaters. Can't stand cheaters – you have got to have no confidence in your game if you have to cheat. If you're cheating, you're acknowledging that you SUCK."

A few seconds of dead silence followed before Magic Mark spoke up. "What about when you swapped out the basketballs in that tournament two years ago-"

"The Mages are gonna activate their star ace from the DL, Davide Patricia," Waluigi casually said. "Patricia has been one of the only good Goomba pitchers in the SSB we've seen this year, but we've only seen him for two months before he went on the DL with shoulder issues... He's been on and off the DL all season because of the nagging injuries, but they're hopeful that he'll be healthy enough to use in the RL Divisional Series coming up in a matter of days. Do you have any confidence that this guy's gonna produce for the Mages?"

"No, he's been out too long!" said Riggs.

"If you're a pitcher, and you have any issues anywhere along your throwing arm, I'm not counting on you to be in top form," said Magic Mark. "This has been bothering him for a while; don't put him out there in the playoffs. Save him for next season. Let him rest up, get whatever's going on with his shoulder sorted out, and then come back next year in top condition. They've got guys that have made up for his absence. Their starting rotation's not bad at all. They can survive. It's their offense that they need to be worried about."

"That could've just been them trying to cover up their offensive problems with pitching," said Andrew.

"Well, then they're gonna get exposed and exposed early if they can't get their bats going," said Magic Mark.

"I just wanna know where his shoulder is in his body," said Waluigi. "I'm not even trying to slander the guy, or be a douche, or be racist like some people like to think – I just don't know the anatomy of a Goomba. What's up with him slinging 90 miles plus and he's built like that?"

"You know what – it's easier if you just don't think about some things," said Magic Mark.

"Rookie quarterbacks Jake Rool and Jake Klap are both set to start for Mount Volbono and West Point this weekend," said Waluigi. "Which one of them was the racist, and which one was the egomaniac? Was Klap the racist one?"

"Yeah, and Rool was the one with the over-inflated ego," said Riggs.

"They're just terrible," said Waluigi. "I hope they find nothing but hard ground the whole time they're on the field. If I'm a defensive coordinator scheming against them, I don't want their faces to leave the ground for the entire game. I'm blitzing them hard and making them wish they never entered the league. I can't stand those two. You know who you draft to be the face of your franchise? Anybody but those two. Now you have to deal with the PR chaos and media circuit that they're bringing with them for the next 10-15 years, or at least however long it takes for you to cut their asses. WAH!"

"Would you say that they're worse than McShay?" asked Andrew.

"McShay who?" asked Waluigi.

"Captain McShay," said Andrew. "The Monty Mole? Linebacker for Lakeside Park?"

"Well, you mean former linebacker," said Riggs.

"Oh, him!" Waluigi exclaimed. "That's right – there were two games on last night, but only one of them was good. Speaking of just, just GIGANTIC D's- How 'bout this guy? This guy should be chastised and run out of town along with Rool and Klap and Panichello. Speaking of guys that should walk out into the middle of Mushroom Bridge and get run over – I mean, what a sore loser! What a pansy little baby! How 'bout this guy, in the middle of the game, quitting? In the IGFL, in the middle of the game – when has that ever happened in any professional sport anywhere? He just walks into the locker room, packs up his stuff, and leaves? Forever? How do you retire, in the middle of a game, this early in the season?"

"And without warning," said Magic Mark. "Everything looked alright – aside from Lakeside Park getting abused and beaten to death on TV. And then once the second quarter ended, he didn't talk to anybody, just walked in by himself, and nobody saw him come out for the second half. Apparently, the only people that knew were the few reporters that he talked to or who must have tried to talk to him while he was clearing out his stuff. And THEN-"

"What an absolute jackass moron," Waluigi said.

"AND THEN, had the stones – THE STONES – to put up some sort of 'retirement' post on Chirper," Magic Mark continued. "He had it all written out with some fancy picture background of him making a tackle on somebody, saying, you know, 'Oh, my body was failing me,' 'It's taken so much abuse,' 'It can't handle all of this wear and tear anymore,' uh, 'I can't in good reason keep doing this-' No, shut up! You left over 50 guys in that locker room behind, all of them getting their jaws snapped and kicked in ever since the start of the season, nowhere even close to winning a game – including that one – and you just don't show up for the second half?"

"And was he starting?" asked Waluigi.

"Yeah! They only had three linebackers active and healthy," said Magic Mark. "That means they had two linebackers active for the rest of the game, so they had to drop defensive ends back in coverage and bring up safeties all because this clown quit. Quit on the team. There's no getting around it-"

"Yeah, that wasn't retirement," said Andrew. "That was, 'Oh damn, what kind of hot mess am I stuck with here? This team's 0-3, going on 0-4, we're going nowhere, these guys suck, I'm not playing with them.' That's what that was – that wasn't no retirement, that wasn't him saying his body couldn't take anymore – the- why play? Why even suit up? If you knew your body was screwed up so badly, don't even go out there. Or, at least – I mean, the least he could've done was wait until the end of the game to call it quits. Not in the middle! Or even, just go out there, talk to your coaches, and stand on the sidelines for the rest of the game. Be there for your team! Support them! Don't just leave! You know what they're thinking? They all know that they've been playing some bad ball, but this has to have made them feel like utter trash! They've got to be feeling horrible knowing that their teammate quit on them and didn't even finish the game with them!"

"You know what this reminds me of?" said Waluigi. "This is a classic example of a kid on the playground playing kickball, or basketball, or whatever, and quitting and leaving the game because his team's losing and he's not having any fun. That's McShay. Whining and complaining and moping around, giving up, because he wasn't winning. How bad is it that his parents named him 'Captain?' The irony is overwhelming. 'What's up, Captain!' 'YOU GUYS SUCK! I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU ANYMORE! WAAAAAAAH!' Go cry back to your mommy and daddy, you loser – you're the REAL loser in all of this. Not your team. YOU. You see how badly he's getting ripped apart on social media? Nobody believes this guy. They can't believe this guy, or any of his BS. He might be the most hated person on the continent before long. That is the most unsportsmanlike thing anyone could ever do, and he wasn't even a great player. He acts like he's some stalwart, or some key piece to their defense, but how many missed tackles did he have? How many times did halfbacks and fullbacks put him on his back? I'm not even talking about this year – I'm talking about in his whole career. He was good for causing turnovers, but that's about it. Mediocre at everything else. Great hands, great size; nothing else. They won't miss him."

"They definitely won't miss him," said Magic Mark. "And if he tries to come out of retirement – because he's still only, what, 29?"

"Yeah – if he ever tries to come out of retirement or pull some stunt where he changes his mind and wants to come back, nobody's gonna sign him," said Waluigi. "He's done. He's not coming back on the field. That's it. Nobody's gonna miss him, nobody's gonna remember him, nobody's gonna care. He'll just be known as the guy who quit on his team because he couldn't handle being on a team. Because when you're on a team, you're on that team whether you're 0-3 or 3-0. That's a commitment and a responsibility, and he didn't want any part of it. The moment things started getting bad, he walked right out. Literally. He just said, 'eff this ship, I'm out'... I said 'ship,' Riggs. Don't give me that look."

"Just checking," Riggs said.

"Alright – we are way over break, aren't we?..." Waluigi said. "Yeah...Glazer's on the other side of the glass waving his arms around like a maniac... Later on in the show, we'll have our buddy, Rick Mack, from Enix, on the line to talk about opening weekend for the Hoops League and preview the season ahead, the impact the expanded rosters will have, and the rule changes voted on over the summer. We'll get into some of my picks across the major sports leagues – you know the deal, Superstar Sluggers Baseball, Hoops League, IHA, IGFL, boxing, MMA, EWML, GCU, WTA – 76 PERCENT LAST WEEK, people. Remember that... You guys who want to call in on the phones'll get plenty of time to WAH too throughout the show. We'll also have Shady give ya some more of his fancy fitness talk for the week, because we're coming up on that time of year where people like to get fat and stay lazy... And you're gonna need his help and advice after all that PARTYING you're gonna be doing this autumn, because I know you're all lining up to get your Wiggler Rave Trolley passes. And if you're not, then what are you doing with your life? I mean, really. Are you gonna burn your own gas getting around on a boring drive, by yourself? If you're gonna go somewhere, you may as well get there while partying like an utter badass rock star. And you all know what I'm talking about. That's right – Wiggler Rave Trolleys, the world's fastest and only system of trolleys that can function as both a street train and a party bus. Wiggler Rave Trolleys are sweeping the globe and are the hottest up-and-coming innovation in transportation with fun and style, so make sure you get online and order a yearly membership with the special promo code 'WAH2K' for a monumental 64% discount on the initial sign-up fee – Wiggler Rave Trolleys, the one bus you'll never want to get off of. They'll get ya where you need to go, and you'll enjoy the trip too. Join the community today, before you end up on a waiting list...because there will, be, a wait list! Coming up next, the segment we've been hyping up all week! It's the Ask Waluigi column, where all my stalkers'll get a chance to talk to me in person and ask me all sorts of weirdo questions before I put restraining orders on them. 8002-553-700, 8002-553-700, we'll be back in five and an update."

---

After some classic rock lead-in music following the commercial break and sports update, Waluigi turned on his microphone. "It's the WAH-cast, on Toadstool Network Sports Radio... The number's 8002-553-700, if you wanna WAH, or if you're lining up for Ask Waluigi, the all-new spectacle of a segment on any radio that's sweeping the nation... We're in here watching the college football game on tonight, Beanbean U versus Olive Ocean State. 2OS is already up 7-0 with 9:42 to go in the first, courtesy of a 74-yard punt return; you would've thought they had just won the National Championship with the way the crowd celebrated."

"They don't have much to cheer for down there," said Magic Mark.

"They really don't," said Waluigi, the background music fading out. "They're a bunch of pansies that suck – their one win so far was against some candy-ass team, and now, their fans are cheering and going mad for probably the only touchdown they'll get for the whole game. Because let's be honest – they're not gonna get in the endzone again. And their fans should know this if they've been paying attention to how their team's been playing the first four games. You see all those people jumping up and down? Their marching band and cheerleaders putting on a show? Give them ten minutes and see what happens. Give them until the end of the half, and I guarantee you they're going to be dead silent. Why don't they beat someone good before they start acting like they're somebody? Because let's also be very clear that I'm not buying Beanbean U either. They suck too, but not nearly as bad. Like, Beanbean U should blow out 2OS, and then Moonview State's going to murder Beanbean U in two weeks. And Beanbean U, with that sloppy offense of theirs – I wouldn't even want people to know if I was a fan of them. So what does that say about 2OS? They should just be glad they're even on national television. And we all know that nobody expected there to be some massive overhaul in the off-season and guys getting transferred all over the place and their front office restaffing, but, holy crap, the schedule makers must be offing themselves left and right, and in the most painful way possible. Like, they have to literally be committing, uh, sudoku, sekappu, su- seppuku, sepukku, like that guy in that one movie who was carving his guts out in front of people with his sword out of disgrace? That's what the schedule makers are doing right now, because they know they effed up and gave us probably one of the worst matchups on Friday night in the history of college football, and they know they're all getting fired for this. If they're not fired already. Neither of them were good enough to put in prime time in the first place based off of last year, so whoever approved the schedule needs to get fired too... Look. Game's tied. Extra point's up, tied... Beanbean U just marched right down the field because that secondary forgot how to run, and what coverage is... That stadium's sounding a lot quieter now, isn't it? Look – Look! Look at that corner! What was he doing with his hands?"

"I think that was him trying to swat the ball away," said Riggs.

"Doesn't he have to be near the ball to swat it?" said Waluigi. "Does he have depth perception issues? It's like watching a truck hop across three lanes on MKH-55 to get into the fast lane, so that it can get off on an exit ramp to the right. Dude, what are ya doing? The ball's already passing over your head, and you're not nine feet tall with a ten-foot wingspan. You don't have extendable arms. Your hands aren't gonna morph into yoshi tongues. They keep showing the replay, and I still can't understand what he was trying to do. Did he know he got beat? Because for all intents and purposes, he's by himself. The receiver's way more than an arm-length away. If I'm an IGFL scout, I'm thinking, 'Don't draft that guy.' Just off of that one play alone. Don't draft that guy. I'm not gonna feel bad about not paying attention to this game. Watch; it'll be 21-7 by the end of the segment."

"I should've gotten everyone tickets," said Andrew.

"I would rather have a dinner date with a bloodthirsty jaguar who hasn't eaten in four days than go see those losers play," said Waluigi. "Until they actually start playing some solid ball, and win a game against a real team, I'm not stepping foot in their stadium. I'm leaving that hot mess to their fans."

"At least their fans are loyal," said Magic Mark. "There's that."

"Yeah, the one bright spot they have," said Waluigi. "That's the only thing they got going for them. But at least their fans are loyal... Quick change of pace before we get back into the actual show; did you guys see any of the recently circulating...what, what is this – trend? A fad? It's whatev- it's gone viral, and it's, it's the most bizarre premise I have ever seen out of anything in existence, and it's the stuff that makes you question the collective world's sanity and has you asking yourself if it's too late to just detonate Bob-ombs all over the planet. Just spare everybody from our own twisted evils."

"I have a feeling you're about to tell us something really demented," said Magic Mark.

"I don't know – you be the judge," said Waluigi. "So for the past few weeks, or however long it's been, this made-up person that somebody created out of a fan-made comic strip? Is that it? She has gotten incredibly popular – like, she's literally all over the place. You type three letters of her name into the search box and she comes up as, like, the second recommendation. Like, people are in love with this fan character, and I don't understand why."

"She could just be a well-developed character," said Andrew.

"Oh, she's well-developed alright," said Waluigi. "Oh yeah, she definitely is developed quite well... I take it you guys haven't seen the pics."

"No, not at all – this is news to me," said Riggs.

"Alright, then here ya go," said Waluigi, turning his laptop. "I'm gonna let you guys have first crack at them."

A short period of silence followed, one in which Waluigi started snickering towards the end of it amid surprised gasps and confused noises from Riggs, Magic Mark, and Andrew.

"What in the HELL is this?" asked Magic Mark. Waluigi burst out in laughter the very next instant.

"Now that – okay, that shouldn't happen," said Riggs. "Do you see...do you- Tell me this is not the girl. This is another prank, isn't it? It's got Waluigi stink written all over it."

Waluigi laughed even harder. "I'm not pulling a prank! This is what the world comes up with now!"

"That- that is actually terrifying," said Magic Mark.

"Riggs, did you get a look at the sixth pic?" asked Waluigi.

"How could anyone not see that one?" Riggs responded, drawing even more laughter from Waluigi. "It's all right there in front of your face. That's about as up close and personal as you can get!"

"This is mind-boggling on so many levels," said Magic Mark. "I wanna know who thought this was a good idea, how the creator conceived this, and what drugs were involved."

"Normally, I would say that this is par for the course with what the internet produces," said Riggs. "But from what I'm seeing, this is crossing many lines."

"Correction," Waluigi said. "Now, you just have to type in the first two letters, and she's the first option. Uh, the name's 'Bowsette,' by the way, of the girl – the fan-made character – I just showed the boys here. I'm just gonna put that out there right now for all you perverts listening who are curious. We're not gonna put the creator's name down, because we don't want to put him-slash-her on the spot; but, the character's prominent enough and easy enough to find that it wouldn't be very hard for you to figure out for yourself the pen name of the creator. This girl is literally a combination of Peach Toadstool, and Bowser Koopa. But really, it looks like they just gave Peach a Bowser-like hairdo, gave her his spiked bands, his horns, his shell, and, it looks like, his tail. And people have been freaking out about this chic for who knows how long."

"All I can add is that you better hope you have your safe search on when you're looking for this girl," said Magic Mark. "I can not even begin to imagine what would happen if you turned that off."

"You turn that off to get more turned on," said Waluigi. "Ba-da-dum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-" A rim shot sound effect then played and cut Waluigi off. "Wait, are we on the air? Check, check, hello – are we on?... Now, Shady, I noticed you've been kind of silent once I showed you guys the pics."

"I- I wish I didn't know or recognize what's going on here," said Andrew.

"Do you think she's hot?" asked Waluigi.

"I mean..." Andrew started to say. "Ugh – why ya gonna ask me something like that?"

"So, you're at least interested?" said Waluigi.

"I didn't say that!" Andrew snapped. "I didn't say that."

"But you didn't say 'no.' And you're still looking at her."

"... Because it's weird! It's hard to look away because it's just, just totally creepy!"

"Just stop looking at her!"

Andrew sighed. "I'm trying! But that smile! It's, it's just the smile in that one photo that's getting to me. It's making me feel uncomfortable."

"You can just tell from her smile that she's a baaaaad girl," Waluigi murmured. "I mean, she has got to be a total freak – and I've seen some total freaks first hand. You wouldn't believe the kinds of things girls like her would be into. You like bad girls, Shady?"

"Is it actually a girl though?" asked Magic Mark. "Because if it's supposed to be a combination of Peach and Bowser, I'm seeing a loooot of Peach up top, and I'm not seeing any shots of the lower body here."

"Oh, so you're thinking..." Waluigi said. "Oh...okay, so she's one of those girls then."

"What do you mean?" asked Andrew.

"What do you mean, what do I mean?" said Waluigi. "How do we say it without getting in trouble with our program director?"

"She's got extra surface area up high, and down low," said Riggs.

"Is that something you're into Shady?" Waluigi asked. "A femme fatale with a little something extra?"

"Or a lotta something extra," said Magic Mark.

"Hey, if that's what he's into, all the more power to him," said Waluigi, laughing again. "You guys listening can't see this, but Shady's packing his stuff up and making his way for the exit as we speak. He's pulling a Captain McShay and leaving during the show-"

"I'm tempted to!" said Andrew. "This is why I only agreed to one day a week – there's only so much of your creepiness I can take."

"What's creepy about having needs?" said Waluigi. "We all have needs, man. I bet ya you'd be a good match if she was real. Yeah, she'd be all over you with that slithery smile of hers...be gettin' in all kinds of trouble...probably be wrestling for power in the throes of sloppy, lustful passion, jousting for dominance- Is this thing on? Check one, two. Check, one, two, three- Are we on the air?"

"Not for long, at this rate," said Riggs.

"You're always going too far with things!" exclaimed Magic Mark. "And we literally just got the live time slot two weeks ago!"

"Hey, I never said that this was a kid's show, did I?" replied Waluigi. "This is a show for WAH-ing, sports, WAH-ing about sports, and whatever the past ten minutes have been. They knew what they were getting into when they signed me on, and they wanted it! Do you know any other podcast that had a five-week run and got a live time slot just off of those five weeks? That's how good I am. And if I'm tainting any innocent, pure minds, I'm basically just speeding up the inevitable, okay? Let's just be real here. Little Johnny's gonna figure things out sooner or later. Honestly, they should just move us to the graveyard shift; that way, I can be as dirty and foul-mouthed as I want, and you all have to deal with it...and then, I wouldn't have to worry about being sent to HR."

"Still a lotta time left in the show," said Andrew.

Waluigi stayed quiet for a little while before talking again, during which time Magic Mark tried to keep his chuckling away from the mic. "Anthony in New Fungitown, you're on the WAH-cast; how's it goin', bud? Save the show, quick."

"WAH!" Anthony shouted through the phone line. "What's goin' on, man?"

"WAH!" Waluigi replied. "Already off to a good start on the calls. See, if we can get some more of just that, then the show would be saved in no time."

Anthony laughed. "Nah, man. Lovin' the show as it is. Let me just say though, man; that dude McShay did his team wrong for sure. I'm not gonna argue that. But...BUT...maybe this is one of those cases where he either thinks he can get out there on the field again, or he knows he can't but is trying to will himself onto the field. And either way, he just couldn't make it through the whole four quarters."

"You're saying he knew he was done, is that right?" asked Waluigi.

"Yeah, but he might've had some special willpower or something going on to where he forced himself back out there," said Anthony. "Until he actually got into the game, he thought he could get through it. But then, his body started failing him, and he couldn't keep up anymore. And, and maybe he actually got hurt in some kind of way before the half, and it was like, like some kind of epiphany to him. Like, he knew he was gonna get to a point of no return if he stayed out there."

"If that was the case, then why wasn't there any announcement of injury when he left?" asked Andrew. "Why wasn't there anything on his physical condition, either before the game, when he left, or in the post-game presser? Or this morning or afternoon? We got nothing. The head coach was even surprised by it. You could see it when that one reporter asked about McShay. He wanted no part of that question."

"Okay, but, it's not like this hasn't happened before though," said Anthony. "People quit in sports while the season's on-going. Just because they signed a contract doesn't mean they're obligated to stay through the year-"

"Hold on, hold on, hold on," Waluigi said. "When people retire during the season, it's on a day when their team's not playing, or it's immediately following a game. And even then, it's not often, because you expect to finish that season, and your team – your employer – expects to see you for the years you signed for on that contract, or for as long as the period is for whatever opt-out clause is built-in to the deal. And when you retire, you're not getting any more of that money on the deal. That's it. You'll have the percentage that was guaranteed, and the amount that you played for up until that point. So, these guys want to finish the season, whether for moral, monetary, pride, responsibility – whatever the reason, they're going to play their year out before they call it a career. Barring egregious injury or troubles with the law, they don't intend to retire in the middle of the season. It's very rare for that to happen as it is. And there has not been a single person who retired while their team was playing a game, that he or she was a part of, and played in, and was suited up for."

"And the fact that we don't have any information, other than that he just walked out of the stadium without warning?" said Riggs. "What other conclusion are we supposed to draw here, other than he quit because he was on a losing team and couldn't take losing, and didn't want to be there for his team? Or, at least, he didn't care to be there for his team."

"Okay, but we don't know what was going on in his head," said Anthony. "I'm not trying to defend the dude, but we don't know what he was thinking, or what he knew about himself, or what the past few months have been like for him, or what's been going on in his life or his body that made him, er, prevented him from continuing, playing, the game. Like-"

"But that's the thing – we don't know," said Magic Mark. "We don't know anything about any of that. All we know is what happened last night. There's been nothing else to go along with it. I'm a hundred percent certain that no Magma Riders fans heard a thing out of the ordinary from McShay leading up to this game. Otherwise, people would've noticed the connection and pieced it together following him retiring. So what are we supposed to think? This guy did nothing but make himself look the absolute worst possible way he could have in a situation like this."

"Thank you for the call, Anthony," said Waluigi, letting his connection go.

"And to be clear, this has not, in any way, happened before," said Magic Mark. "For those that don't get what exactly happened, let's make this clear. NO ONE has ever quit in the middle of a game – in the middle of a season, but NOT in the middle of a game."

"There's nothing like walking out on your job and responsibilities, and not being there when you're needed," said Waluigi. "Ask Kendrick Key. To McShay's credit, he showed up for a few games. And a half of one. Key doesn't show up for the season, never mind one game... Has he even so much as talked to anybody in Lionsbrook?"

"Nope, he's still holding out," said Magic Mark.

"Huh..." Waluigi grumbled. "Hope he's enjoying his 'vacation' and all his partying that he brags about on social media while his team has yet to win a game and is ready to fall apart at a moment's notice... We'll get into Key later, for sure... Alright, so are we gonna get this segment going or what? The phone lines are filled up now, and everybody that's on the line is on for Ask Waluigi, right?"

"Yup," said Riggs, turning on some game show themed background music.

"Well then, ladies and gentlemen, here we go!" Waluigi shouted. "For the debut of the much hyped and anticipated Ask Waluigi panel on the WAH-cast, here's what we're looking for! You get your asses on the phone lines, you ask what you want to know about me, and I give ya the answers! That's it! This is my second live week on the air, so I'm sure – I'm CERTAIN – that there are dozens upon dozens of hundreds of people CLAMORING to know the ways of WAH... What is this music?"

"It's for Ask Waluigi,"said Riggs.

"Okay, that's fine, but you're making it sound like people are gonna win cars and vacations," said Waluigi. "We don't have the budget for that."

Riggs turned the music off.

"No – put it back on," said Waluigi. "Put it back on. I didn't say you had to turn it off. It's fine, but, if we're doing this again, find different music."

Riggs faded the same music back in.

"Alright, let's see who we have first..." Waluigi said. "Let's go to John, in Klemke. John! You're on Ask Waluigi."

"Hey there, Waluigi," said John. "I just happened to turn your show on today, and I'm really digging on this Wah-cast thing you got goin-"

"Say it with emphasis," said Waluigi. "Like, you need some power behind that wah. It's the WAH-cast. We're proud to WAH here. We're not trying to hide it."

"The WAH-cast!" John shouted.

"There ya go," said Waluigi. "We'll get all these new listeners learned soon enough. What question do you have for me, bud?"

"I wanted to know what your sports background is," said John. "Because you seem very knowledgeable about everything that you've talked about so far – and knowledgeable enough to have such a high success rate on picking games and stuff, so, like, where are you coming from?"

"Good first question!" Waluigi said. "I've played pretty much everything there is. Baseball, basketball, soccer, strikers, golf, tennis – I mean, you can go down the list. I have not done football yet. It is still relatively new around here, but it's a great game and I'm more than interested enough in it to know what the deal is with it, and I may try to get into it first-hand at some point in the future. But yeah, it's hard to come up with stuff I haven't done. Unless you pull up some really obscure sport that's more of a niche than anything else."

"You haven't done weightlifting," said Andrew.

"Yeah, but who cares about weightlifting?" said Waluigi. "That's part of that obscure and niche category. I don't know how you find enjoyment out of throwing a bunch of heavy weight up over your head, just begging for it to fall out of your hands and crack your skull open and snap your spine in pieces."

"If you learn how to snatch and clean & jerk, you'll be stronger, faster, and more powerful," said Andrew. "I guarantee you. It has tremendous carryover to other sports. We're talking about whole-body movements-"

"Yeah, but I don't need all of that because I've got actual skill," said Waluigi. "Skill's more important than being physical. What good is being powerful and fast if you can't handle the ball? Or can't swing a racket? I say you're there to play a game, not be the most physically dominant person."

"That sounds like an excuse for staying skeleton-skinny," said Andrew.

"Play me in a game of tennis or basketball, and we'll see who's making excuses," said Waluigi. "There, did that answer your question, John?"

"It sure did, thanks!" John replied.

"Thank you for calling," said Waluigi. "Next up, let's check in on Nash, from Donut Plains. Nash! What's up? You're on the air."

"Bro! You are the best radio host on the air, hands down!" Nash yelled. "Yo, I'm thinking about breaking out onto the GP circuit and want some advice from the best kart racer still racing!"

"I'll tell ya what you do, Nash," said Waluigi. "You get yourself started straight in the 150cc class. Don't go anywhere below 150, and jump up to 200 the instant you're taking those turns without losing out on too much speed. Drifting is key for that. Make sure you get the drifting down, because if you can't drift, they'll lap you eight times. And you wanna go up to 200 quick, because that's where the money is now. 50cc and 100cc are a waste of time and are for wusses. Just don't do it – it might be easier to race there, but nobody important runs those, and it's slow and boring as all hell. Got it?"

"Oh yeah, totally," Nash replied.

"As far as your starter karts, I recommend the Mach 8 or the B Dasher," said Waluigi. "Anything with plenty of speed will do, because once you learn how to drift, you're not gonna need to be concerned with acceleration too much since you'll keep most of your speed throughout your turns. You'll also want to tune up your engine and wheels so that you'll get more of a boost coming out of a drift when you reset your steering and kart angle to neutral. If you're gonna carry a bike, you get the Flame Runner – not the Flame Rider, the Runner – it's an older model, but quite frankly, it's still one of the higher-ranked bikes, and the updated Flame Rider is overpriced and doesn't hold up to its predecessor. And considering customization, you gotta find what works best for you and what you're good at. Get work done that'll play to your strengths. If you can handle cornering well, then up your top speed so you can take those corners quicker. If you're not good at cornering, you might have to sacrifice some other stats to make yourself more maneuverable. How's that for ya?"

"Excellent dude, I'll keep all of that in mind, thanks!" said Nash. "I'm gonna call back in when I get everything set up!"

"Can't wait to hear how it goes, bro," said Waluigi. "Look at that, Riggs. We've got aspiring kart racers in our audience... That call was nice. I like that one... Something tells me I'm not gonna like this next one though. Dorian, Lake Lamode, let me ask ya – are you a new listener, or have you been around?"

"I've been around," Dorian said. "Since, like, I guess your third week after my friend told me about you."

"Okay, because it says here that you're gonna ask me about music?" said Waluigi.

"Yeah, I wanted to know what your favorite types of music are, or is," said Dorian.

"Oh, dude, come on!" said Waluigi. "You should know this. It's like, most of what we come back with for lead-in music after commercial breaks."

Dorian chuckled some. "I don't really pay attention to it."

"Ahhhhh, that hurts some," said Waluigi. "You gotta get some bluegrass in your life, man. That stuff is the nectar of GOOODS... Everything else is either noisy trash or talentless garbage that puts me to sleep. Bluegrass, country, country rock...I've recently gotten into bluegrass metal – it is probably one of the best things I have ever heard. Heartpounding. It's what gets me up in the morning and charges up my WAH power to max capacity. Yeah, you...you should pay attention to our music. You might find something you like. Shady, what music do you like?"

"I guess, anything that sounds good," said Andrew. "Genre doesn't matter much to me. I'm actually really starting to like this kind of, hard rock, drum & bass style-"

"Sucks," Waluigi hissed. "Like I said, noisy trash. Yeah, Dorian, look up some bluegrass and get back to me on whether you like it or not and how I saved you from mainstream noise pollution."

"Will do, good sir!" Dorian replied. "I'm gonna look some up in the morning."

"You got plans tonight?" Waluigi asked.

"Oh yeah, we're catching one of those Rave Trolleys and heading out to a sports bar for a few hours," Dorian said. "That promo code came in handy, let me tell ya! Those things are live!"

"Wow, ya hear that?" Waluigi said, clapping his hands. "People taking my advice. I feel like I'm a minister, spreading the good word and wisdom to those smart enough and willing enough to be my followers and disciples. Listen, Dorian, you go out there, get hammered, and don't go back home until you've got the whole bar WAH-ing, alright? Be hearing from ya soon."

"I'll take the WAH to 'em, boss!" said Dorian.

"That's simply outstanding," said Waluigi. "Dorian, you're a good man. Good man. And what have I been telling everyone? You wanna get those passes before that wait list starts up, because word's getting aroooouuund... Mm-hmmmm... Let's go to...Christine, in Toad Town. Christine?"

"Hi, Waluigi!" Christine said. "I got on because I want to know why you like purple so much, and why it's your favorite color."

"Violet," Andrew said. "He likes violet, not purple."

"Really?" said Waluigi. "You're gonna sabotage the segment like that? Now?"

"Okay, violet then," said Christine. "Why do you like violet so much, Waluigi?"

"Christine, it's purple," said Waluigi. "Don't listen to Shady with his nonsense over there."

"Look here, man," said Andrew. "A purple – a true purple, a REAL purple – is an even split down the middle between red and blue. 50/50, not the 30/70, 25/75, washed out violet-indigo that Waluigi wears that may as well be blue."

"Hold on – what do you mean 'real?' " asked Waluigi. "Because your purple isn't even real. Mine is natural. You can find it in nature. Yours is artificially made."

"That's because a true purple is not found in nature," said Andrew. "Violet is natural, real purple isn't natural, and that's more than fine. Purple is a composite, man-made color. BUT, if you wanna get technical about it, the purple that's mixed with black in natural shadow power is more on the red side than it is blue. So, really, if you're not gonna be an even red-to-blue, you should be redder than blue. A 60 red to a 40 blue, or a 55 to a 45; there's the sweet spot. And I'll even say 65/35, because a purple on the redder side will look like purple, but a purple on the blue side will look off."

"Yeah, if you wanna walk around looking like a giant eggplant," said Waluigi. "When he wears all-purple, that's what he looks like, doesn't he? Like a liter of grape soda from a corner store."

"I wanna know what he says about Wario's purple," said Magic Mark.

"His is too bright," said Andrew. "It's too pale, it's not deep enough, and it's not dark enough. He's got an alright hue, but, no, I'm not a fan of his."

"Can you believe this guy?" Waluigi mumbled.

"Look – I'm not picky about a lot of things," said Andrew. "Maybe three or four things, I'm picky about. And the right purple is one of them."

"I'm sorry, Christine," said Waluigi. "This guy wants to act like he's some connoisseur of purple, when in actuality, he's not a true fan of the color. The only reason he has anything to do with purple is because he's socially obligated to wear some form of it, along with that shadow emblem, so that people can easily identify him as a shadow wielder. It's just a color that's part of his color code for him. It's not like he actually likes the color. I'm the one that actually likes the color. I'm the one that willingly wears it and claims it as a personal favorite."

"I swear that purple would still be my favorite color, even if I weren't a shadow wielder," said Andrew.

"Yeah, and you still wouldn't get the shade right," said Waluigi. "Christine, are you a lover of all things purple? Is it your favorite color too?"

"What? Me?" said Christine. "Oh no. No, no, no. I don't like purple at all. I was wondering why you like it so much. I think it's ugly."

"Waluigi's purple is ugly, that's right," said Andrew.

"Christine, what's your favorite color then, if you don't mind me asking?" Waluigi said.

"Oh, green!" Christine replied. "I looooove green."

"Blech – are you serious?" Waluigi grumbled.

"I'm most definitely serious," Christine replied. "It's such a vibrant and calming shade, and it looks so lively and natural; it's so great. Don't you like green?"

"Green?!" Waluigi snapped. "Don't talk to me about green! I can't stand green."

"I can't stand purple," said Christine. "Why do you like purple?"

"Well, first of all, it's fairly rare compared to everything else," said Waluigi. "So it's unique and awesome, like I am. It's also badass, like me. It also makes it so that I'm not a dumb normie like 95% of the population out there. I need to be in a separate category from all the droves of idiots out there. You know, I'm what made purple cool in the first place. Okay? If it weren't for me, nobody would be using purple at all. You can barely find purple in stores as it is. I'm the ambassador of purple. Riggs, when was the last time we devoted this much time to purple on the show?"

"Probably either episode nine or ten," said Riggs.

"That's another reason," said Waluigi. "Purple better be something I like, if it gets this much air time. Thank you for the question, Christine. Movin' on to...Tyson, in Lower Star Hill. How's it goin', Tyson?"

"Hey, man – I've been a long-time fan of you since before you started the WAH-cast," Tyson said. "And congrats on getting on to live radio!"

"Thanks for your support, bro," said Waluigi. "What do ya got for me?"

"So, now that you've got your own podcast that's now a radio show too, when are you going to get your own game?" asked Tyson.

"That's a great question," said Waluigi, cutting off Tyson's phone line and letting the dial tone sound off. "That really is a fantastic question... It really is. I should've known that one was coming, honestly. But that is a really, really great question. Next question..." The dial tone ran on for five more seconds before abruptly cutting off. "Kenny! In Koopa Cape! You're on!"

"WAH! What's up?" Kenny said.

"WAH! How's it hanging, buddy?" Waluigi replied.

"Dude, why aren't you on the roster for Smash Bros Ultimate?" Kenny asked.

The dial tone sounded off again, with Kenny getting hung up on. For a good ten seconds, the dial tone went on without any other noise going through other than the background music that had been playing for all of Ask Waluigi. After the dial tone ended, another ten seconds passed in which the music was the only thing heard.

"Who's screening the calls tonight?" Waluigi then asked. "Is it you, Magic Mark? Are you letting Shady screen the calls? I wanna know who let those two through... Stop laughing over there... I know where you all live."

"To be fair, the first guy said he had a question about your career goals," said Magic Mark.

"Did he mean Waluigi's goals for his career, or career goals in soccer?" asked Andrew.

"You know what – I actually don't know," said Magic Mark. "I just assumed it was goals for his career. And then, the second guy said he just wanted your thoughts on Smash Bros tournaments."

"So they both tried to stick it to me on live air?" said Waluigi. "If they call here again and try something smart again, write their numbers down. Unbelievable. Two in a row... Here's the thing – I have the kind of rap sheet where people either love me, or hate me – and there are a ton of people out there that hate me. I'm not gonna lie – I received a death threat two days ago while I was taking a dump. My phone went off, and the notification just said 'I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.' So I get more than my fair share of hate. But the people that love me? They REALLY love me. They're the most loyal, devoted people on the planet, alright? You become enemies with me, you're enemies with them. They'll fight you if they get the chance. I mean with actual fists, and feet, and weapons."

"I can attest to that – I've seen some of his fans," Andrew mumbled.

"Some of them are just straight up crazy too," said Waluigi. "Like, I ran into two of them a few weeks ago, and they're talking about doing experiments with milk. Two dudes – two brothers – 'experimenting,' with milk. How does that sound? Any of you trolls out there want to deal with them? They'll cut you to pieces and eat you like cannibals. Magic Mark, would you say that cannibals are zombies?"

"If a zombie is undead, then a cannibal can't be alive and be a zombie," said Magic Mark.

"But doesn't cannibalism make your brain rot and die?" asked Waluigi. "Being brain dead is enough to be a zombie, isn't it?..."

"Is brain dead undead?" asked Andrew. "Because I thought undead was being alive through some way that's not dependent on the body acting normal, or, like, pumping blood with a heart beat and there being circulation and-"

"If someone's brain dead, they won't be able to do anything if they lose all their blood or their heart dies," said Riggs. "A zombie doesn't have to worry about that."

"Why aren't there classes on zombie science?" said Waluigi. "I feel like that would help out, in case we get a zombie apocalypse out of nowhere. Maybe cannibalism actually is where zombieism starts... Jacob- Jacoby. From Wuhu Town – we're getting listeners from all the way out there? Jacoby, what's on your rotting mind? What are you dying to ask me?"

"Loving the show, man," said Jacoby. "But I'm curious as to why your name's 'Waluigi.' Is that your real name, or is that a stage or a radio name?"

"No, that's my real name," said Waluigi. "That's the name my parents gave me. Why are you named 'Jacoby?' "

"I dunno – that's just what my parents named me," said Jacoby.

"Exactly – I don't know why mine named me 'Waluigi,' " Waluigi said. "They just did. I wish they didn't. They're a couple of idiots. My parents. I haven't seen them in forever. Good thing I haven't. They'd ask why I'm doing this podcast-radio show, and doing all these sports, and partying, and making all these sports bets, and taking home all the women I do for late night festivities. Are we on the air? Is this thing on? I thought we were cutting to break after this guy!"

"We've got time for one more," said Riggs.

"Oh, now you tell me," Waluigi mumbled. "Thanks, Jacoby. Troy, in Super City, make it quick, we're up on it."

"Waluigi, dude," Troy said. "Did you know that the upside-down 'L' on your hat is actually also the letter Gamma?"

Waluigi paused, then took a deep breath. "NNNNNEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD. Got anything else?"

"Nah, that's all I got," said Troy.

"Thanks for the call, bud," said Waluigi. "Alright, the phone lines are melting down here with calls. We're gonna have to extend this another segment. I gotta say, the response and interest this is getting is surprising. I'm feeling pretty good about myself, other than those two callers back-to-back that made me want to kill myself. Riggs, are you trying to say that we don't have time for more? I don't get what you wrote down here on the outline."

"We do," Riggs said. "But it's just going to have to wait until later on in the show, because we've got Rick Mack scheduled for after the break."

"Alright – all you guys on the phones, stay on hold," said Waluigi. "In the segment following Rick Mack, we'll resume Ask Waluigi. Right now, here's your sports update with The V, Vincenzo Glazer."