Disclaimer:I do not own Square Enix's Kingdom Hearts, nor am I making any money off this fanfiction. Yukiru is © J. E. Jones, and to use this character without permission of the author is illegal and will be punished by law.
-o-o-
A Careful Remedy
Chapter Three
And If I Wanted to Kiss You…
-o-o-
Eggs.
Fried eggs.
My eyes flutter open. For a moment, I can't see anything—there's a cover in my way, along with a good portion of my pillow. I clear these aside and lift my head to look for the alarm, but before I can spot it, I notice that Riku's side of the bed is empty. I pat over the rumpled spot he'd laid in. The sheets are semi-warm. What time is it?
Eight-ish.
I fall back onto the pillows, closing my eyes. God, I want to go back to sleep. It'll be so, so much easier than getting up right now. Besides, haven't Riku and I talked about this? On several different occasions? Lay off the breakfast-y goodness unless both of us are awake. The smell from the cooking grease is clinging to my nostrils and stirring my stomach, enticing in every way. Urf, but I hate eating breakfast so early.
My shirt's hanging off the lamp shade on my nightstand. I pull it over my head as my feet find the hardwood of the floor. Cold shocks through me, but I've been half-braced for it, so it's okay. Why does Riku never turn on the heater? Doesn't he know that it's fucking freezing at this time in the morning? Or at anytime during the winter in the mountains? Fucking hell. Fucking hell, it is freezing!
Sure enough, the needle of the thermostat in the hallway is pointing at a low of sixty degrees. How insane isRiku? Surely he'd note the cold, even with the heat undoubtedly suffusing the kitchen at the moment from all that frying food? I seriously wonder about him.
The next thing I know, I'm flat on my face and a broomstick is clattering across the floor. What the fuckis a broom doing in the middle of the God-forsaken hallway?
I growl and plant my hands on the floor to push myself into an upright position. What is he, half-ass cleaning around here? That's always been Riku. Oh, let's start vacuuming the living room, except get distracted by a thought halfway through and leave the power cord out in the open for Sora's bare foot to land on. Oh, let's mop the kitchen floor and then neglect to tell Sora that it's wet when he comes home, making a way for Sora to crack his head?
I've got half a mind to tell Riku where to stick it.
Something's wrong.
Something's seriously wrong.
I stagger against the wall, my shoulder slamming into it, and cup a hand over my forehead. A ringing has started in my ears, so sharp it's shrill. It grates against the core of my eardrums, akin to someone taking a fork and scraping it over their teeth, over and over again. My teeth grit, my jaw clenching in reflex. I bury my fingers in my hair and dig my nails into my scalp as tears well up in my eyes. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
Hardwood is unforgiving against my knees when I collapse. I bow over, my elbows digging into my thighs. God. God. God, what's happening? What's fucking happening?!
Snow.
Snow everywhere.
Red.
Red snow.
Why is the snow red? Shouldn't be… snow's white. Really… really fucking white… but there's all this red here, and—oh. Oh, no, wait. That's…
"Sora! Sora, open your eyes! Sora!"
"Christ, look at him."
Hurt.
Hurt.
Green. Beautiful, beautiful green.
Wet green.
Wet… it's glistening…
"Why… Sora, why…?"
Because you don't love me anymore!
Because you love him more than you love me!
Because you abandoned me!
Because I hate you!
Because you don't want me!
Fingers… So warm, so warm…
"…ah… a…. ahp—appier…"
"Sora!"
"Shh, don't talk, don't talk, the ambulance is on its way, baby."
…so dark… Everything's—
Everything's growing so dark around the edges.
"…without me…"
…So dark…
"SORA! Sora, wake up!"
Someone is gripping me, holding my arms as I struggle. I yell as loud as I can, and it transforms into a scream that scrubs my throat raw. I don't know what I'm fighting against—I can't see my attacker. All I know is that it's dark and that it's suffocating me and it wants to take me away. But I'm not ready to leave yet, I'm not—
"You don't have to leave, Sora, you don't have to leave! Baby, calm down!"
I can barely breathe. My lungs are constricting and I'm coughing and my eyes are wet, so very wet. All I can see is red, red snow. Sad eyes. I thought I'd never see them so sad again. I don't want to. I can't. I can't do this. I don't want to leave. Riku, Riku, I don't want to leave. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.
"Sora!"
Everything's distorted. There are flashes of red, of white, of green, of black. Silver. Silver, oh, God, silver.
I come to, sitting straight up in bed.
I'm hiccupping, and my nails have dug burrows into Riku's skin. He's holding me close against his chest now. We're rocking, back and forth, back and forth, and his fingers are buried in my hair. I'm still bawling like a newborn. I don't want to, but God, I am. I really am. I don't think I can stop, either. At least, not so soon. Not yet. Not so soon after awaking from the throes of that awful dream.
Riku drops a kiss to my forehead. "Shh, I've got you, I'm not going anywhere…"
You don't have to, because I am.
The thought comes unbidden. I hide my face in Riku's neck where the scent of his aftershave is so familiar and safe and comforting. His hands rub over my back in soothing circles. He's gripping onto me like he's afraid to let me go.
And I don't want him to. I don't want him to let me go.
But he has to.
He has to.
-o-o-
It was raining.
Riku and I were playing in it, laughing and carrying on like nobody's business. God knows it had to be dangerous. Dark clouds loomed over the horizon as a fell wind swept in and rustled through the trees. All that wind made the rain lash against us harder. I don't think we really cared. If anything, the heated bolts of lightning searing the air just made our hearts beat faster in our excitement.
Weren't those the days? When I was twelve, and he was thirteen, and we were very much in love with the idea of being best friends?
Roxas is beside me. He's standing beneath the porch's shelter to our home. Longing is in his eyes, a longing so deep and piercing that I couldn't recognize it as a child—not fully. But now, now after feeling that own longing in my heart, I can relate. I want to push him out into the rain and tell him, "Hey, kid, listen—the rain's not so bad. And I'm not hogging Riku to myself out there," but I doubt he'll be able to hear me.
Not in this place.
Out in the yard, I shrieked with laughter. I was covered in mud—so was Riku. We were really clobbering each other in it. Later Mom took one look at us and sent us straight to the bath. We carried somber expressions the whole way, until we made it to the bathroom and broke into poorly contained giggles. Roxas didn't get to share in that fun. He'd turned his nose at us and pretended to be disgusted with the idea we had found so exciting and adventuresome. I wish I had known then that he'd only been pretending.
I look down at Roxas. The rain is drumming along the porch roof and spilling over its sides to patter in small puddles on the ground. I place my hand over my twin's shoulder and squeeze it. It's not the rain that Roxas is envious of—it's that I was spending so much time with Riku. Riku was spending so much time with me. Where was there room for Roxas?
"I'm so sorry," I whisper, and I kneel beside him, my hand firm on his shoulder. I look up at him. He's gazing straight ahead, at the two figures throwing handfuls of mud at one another in streaks of sticky brown. "Roxas, I'm so sorry."
Roxas blinks slowly. Forks of electricity light up the horizon. Thunder rumbles.
"You loved him first, didn't you?"
He's still gazing out at the rain. I stare with him, my hand falling from his shoulder.
Together we watch Riku scoop up some more mud and throw it at me. I shriek with glee and run away. I'm screaming, "Stop, Riku, stop!" but it's obvious that I don't want him to.
A faint smile touches the corner of Roxas's mouth.
-o-o-
"Yes… Yes, I understand… No, that's all right."
I wake for what I believe is the second time today, but this time it's not from a fit of nightmares. It takes me a moment longer than I would have liked to discover the whereabouts of Riku. I know he's close by—I can hear him talking to somebody on the phone.
"Well, it's not like you can help it."
He's in front of the bay window. He's wearing a pair of slacks and a thin sweater over a button-up shirt, from what I can see from this angle. His hand's tucked into his pocket, the other is curled around the cordless phone. His back is facing me. I admire the broad line of his shoulders and smile lazily as I settle into my sheets and pillows. He's so beautiful. Why don't I notice this every day? Why I am so quick to take… to take advantage of it…
"No, Mom, it's okay. We'll just go another time."
Wait, what?
Go another time? Is Riku cancelling our trip to his parents' house? I find this astounding, considering that every year we alwaysgo. No blizzard or hail storm can stop Riku from making it across three states to spend time with his family. He just loves them too much. Five years… ever since I estranged myself from my own family…
"Yeah, I'll make sure Sora understands."
Good, because I'm lost.
"I'm sure he will. Mhm, yeah. Okay. Bye."
Riku hangs up the cordless. Instead of turning around, he leans against the window frame with his shoulder, his arms crossed and one of his knees resting on the sill's pillow cushions. I doubt he's gazing out at the snow. He's probably got a lot on his mind right now.
I still remember when he used to tell me everything—anything that was bothering him, I would know about. Riku and I have always been close, you see. Ever since Roxas brought him home one evening to say that he'd met Riku at the park and wanted Riku to eat dinner with our family. It was an instant trust, an instant companionship that bloomed. Oh, our relationship could have withstood wars and the end of the world. Something like what we had was made of the strongest stuff.
Then it all started crumbling to pieces.
I'll be the first to admit (at least, I will now) that the problems the two of us have stem from me. I was more reluctant to say so beforehand, but… knowing the outcome of three days from now has given me fresh perspectives on things.
I want Riku to want me like he used to. To need me like he used to. Before all the senseless arguing started—before I began to push him away.
Riku… you've always been there for me. And I've always, alwaystaken advantage of you. I've always made you my crutch. I guess you're tired of getting leaned on—I know I would be. But bear with me for just a little longer, okay? I promise things'll be fine again soon. You'll see.
He turns from the window, pauses when he sees that I'm awake. The surprise in his eyes clears first, the frown on his mouth second. "Sora," he says, smoothing his expression onto the pleasant level, or at least nearby it. He sits on the side of the bed, and it sinks with his weight. His hand finds my knee beneath the covers, but I think the gesture is more habit than anything else. Especially with the way his eyes are distracted and not looking at me.
"We can't go to Mom's house this year. They discovered black mold in the walls, and they're having to completely renovate the place." He shakes his head. "That place was getting old, anyway, so I can't say I'm all that surprised."
I frown. "Where will Yukiru be staying?"
"Oh, with my grandparents until the repairs can be completed." His eyes are still distant. They've called a spot on the wall their own.
This is all very confusing for me. Not about Riku's family's misfortune—well, it's related to that, actually. The fact of the matter is, this—this whole thing with Yukiru's house? It didn't happen last time.
An almost surreal feeling settles over me as I contemplate this, worse than the nightmare that I had this morning. There's nothing like a good old dream to remind you of how snotty and bratty you were beforehand to the people who care about you, but… that was on the twenty-first, the first time around. And now this time I woke up screaming, and Riku's on the phone with his mom telling her it's okay that we can't spend Christmas at her house this holiday.
What is this, a parallel universe? Seems like it. I know that it's just because I'm doing things differently now than the first time, so of course events are going to change in correspondence with this. It's just odd, that's all. I expected the way people act around me to change, not something huge like this. I mean, Yukiru's house is where I'm supposed to throw myself off her balcony. Or maybe it's just a balcony in general?
Black mold, though. Wouldn't something thatextreme have happened last time?
I remember that old saying that if you go back in time and step on an ant, the future will irrevocably change. Maybe it's true?
Riku seems to have taken my silence as a cue that I'm upset, for he says, "I'm sorry, Sora. I know you really wanted to get away from here."
He starts to stand, and I squeeze his fingers to stop him.
"No." I sit up, clutching more securely at his departing fingers, which have attempted to still slip away from mine. "No, I'm fine. I really just want to spend Christmas with you, Riku."
My lover eyes me uncertainly, but he resumes his previous seat. "Sora…" he begins in halting tones. "…Look, you don't have to pretend that you're okay with this just to make me happy. I thought we were supposed to be honest with each other."
Ha! Kind of like how you're busy having an affair and think I'm too stupid to notice it?
That isn't fair. On the nineteenth, it had taken an associate of mine to show me a picture of Riku embracing another man. I'd been completely shocked, not to mention devastated. But now… now that I know it's here? Now that I'm reliving my four days to make amends? It's all staring me in the face, really. Why can't he just come out and say it? Why doesn't he just tell me that he doesn't love me anymore? I know that I could easily confront him about it, yet… I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that I'm right—that he doesn'tcare about me.
Why else would you cheat on the person you're with, though? If things are better with him, Riku, then just dump me and move on. Wouldn't that be easier? I know I'm difficult to live with, that I treat you like shit. I know it. I may not have wanted to admit it before, but I am now. It's okay. Leave me if you want—just make it easier on the both of us.
The words are in my throat to say them. I swallow them back and lower my eyes. Riku is watching me expectantly.
"I know that—that you think that this is all an act, Riku. But it's not, okay?" I clasp his hand between both of mine. "I've been an idiot lately, a total jackass."
Riku's smile is hesitant, sad. "Sora…"
"No," I interrupt quickly. He's already shaking his head, and panic grows within me. "I really, reallywant to change it, all right? I'd be suspicious of me, too, but—Riku. I mean it. I need you. I want you. How can I proveto you that I'm still in love with you? That I mean what I'm saying right now?"
He blows out a breath, his gaze drifting aimlessly about the room. His hand is warm between mine. "Once upon a time," he says after a moment, "I used to be able to tell from your kiss whether or not you were still sincere."
Hope leaps in my chest. The emotion wants to dance around happily. I hold it back because I know that it's too soon to act on it.
Keeping my voice quiet lest my uncertainty crawls into it, I whisper, "What about the kiss that we shared yesterday morning?"
He hums. "I don't know, you see—it was the first one in a few weeks, so we were kind of awkward."
"Well, let's try one now."
Riku frowns as suspicion renews itself in his eyes.
"Okay, maybe not now," I amend. A smile tugs at one corner of my mouth. "I have morning breath, and expecting the kiss will just make you biased, anyway."
He laughs, and my heart jumps. "Fair enough. Surprise me."
My smile spreads. It hurts, but I don't care. This is just encouragement to work those muscles more. Besides, when this one encompasses my mouth, it mirrors itself on Riku's, and he twists his fingers in mine to squeeze them.
"I'll do that, then," I say.
Our eyes connect. I can see the darker freckles of green in his irises. And if I look deeper, I can see what I'm sure rests in my eyes—that desperate hope that things will change, that things will get better.
-o-o-
"If we can't spend Christmas with your family, then maybe we should share it with mine."
We're lying side by side on the bed with our fingers entangled as I bring the subject around. We've already made the bed to make it easier to rest on top of the covers, and more often than not do our gazes roam up toward the ceiling. Shadows are playing there, a dark dance with the sun's mid-morning rays. Leap, parry, leap, retreat… It's almost like watching a sword fight, I think. Except the dust motes seem to be winning, and before long, the shadows have edged to the far bit of wall, clinging to its upper corners.
I feel more than see Riku turn his head to examine me with those scientist's eyes. I normally don't like to be scrutinized like this, but it's Riku, and he knows me better than anyone. He's not going to uncover any new discoveries.
"You haven't spoken to your family in years," he says, after a lengthy enough moment of silence has passed. "Like… four or five?"
"I know."
Riku is studying me again. He's making me feel like I'm beneath his microscope and awaiting the results—can he find the lie in my truth? So I turn my head to smile at him and run my fingers over his forearm, playing with the pale hairs there.
"Are you sure?" Riku murmurs.
"Mhmmm." I prop myself up on an elbow and lean over him. My hand darts from his forearm to his chest, where I let it settle over his heart. It's beating calmly beneath a very firm pectoral, and I have to resist the urge to stroke it lovingly. I'm not sure if Riku is ready yet for touches outside of the affectionate field (read: suggestive). "You never know when something is going to happen to take the people you love the most away from you."
His mouth opens, but no words come out. Slowly, it closes again. Hesitation is written plainly on his face. Uncertainty lingers on his lips and around the corners of his eyes. I can't blame him. This is out of the blue, and it hasbeen five years. What are you doing, Sora? Starting World War III? Close enough, I think. Close enough.
Sitting up and reaching for my nightstand, where he left the cordless, I ponder about the decision I've just made. Not the one about my parents—no, the one concerning my brother and what I'm about to do. Is this safe? Will it just make Riku enraged at me again? Maybe, but… I still need to test the waters, search for all the torpedoes. I'm sure that there are quite a few lurking in the waters, and I want to exploit them all. Even if I lose a limb or two in the process.
Or my heart.
"Who are you calling?" Riku inquires to my back.
I'm perched on the edge of my bed. "Roxas."
"What?!"
Riku is the epitome of alarm. When I glance over my shoulder, I see that he's blushing and scrambling into an upright position. He averts his gaze and scrubs his hands over his face. He's trying to cover the outburst up by acting nonchalant, but I find it all interesting. I've never been able to make his face turn that shade of color outside of wrestling or sex.
"I mean," he says, calmly, "you haven't talked to him in a while. Won't he find this intrusive?" His eyes meet mine across the bed.
I narrow mine. If Roxas was texting Riku all day yesterday, wouldn't he have known that I spent the day with my twin? That texting certainly would have indicated as much. This sudden situation either means one of three things. The first? Riku is lying to my face. The second? Roxas didn't tell him who he was with during the Commencement of the Texts. The third? Roxas really wasn't texting Riku.
I'm going to cross option number three off my list. Roxas was definitely texting Riku, because there was no other explanation for Riku's change of behavior from the morning to the afternoon except for Roxas goading him into such a state. I know my baby well, and on most days? He trusts me. Without some sort of outside interference, I would have been met as warmly last night as he had left me that morning.
So that left option one or two. I didn't want to believe one, but that didn't mean I could rule it out. Not and be fair to myself.
Riku is watching me. I recall his last words and respond accordingly. "No more intrusive than my parents. And besides, I was with him all day yesterday." A smile stretches over the length of my lips. I'm pretty sure it can rival the sun right now. "We had a blast."
He's doing the impersonation of a fish again—he's quite good at it. "You were with Roxas yesterday?" he hedges when my smile goes up a notch. He's not really meeting my eyes again, and his brows are furrowed. I know that expression well—it means he's troubled about something. Troubled in a surprised way, like an obstacle came up in his work that he hadn't expected.
Option number two, anyone?
"I just want to find out if he's going to be at our parents' for Christmas, Riku. Relax." I sit on the windowsill and absentmindedly pull a favorite throw pillow into my lap to hang on to. I need a yielding surface to dig my fingers into if the situation grows ugly. I doubt it will, but in this sort of delicate world of love affairs and ruined relationships, you never know. "It's not like I'm trying to steal him away from you or anything."
I add the last part as I finish dialing the last number to reach Roxas's phone and raise my own phone to my ear. Riku is quiet. Very, very quiet.
There seems to be a question hanging around in the air.
Does he know?
I fight against the bitter smile that wants to make its way to my mouth. Mostly because I think I'll start crying if I let it show itself.
"What do you mean, Sora?" Riku asks. His voice is like a lone note on a piano, spreading through the silence in its low pitch, ominous and promising of more to come.
I'm saved because Roxas picks up on the other end of the line.
"What?"
Good morning to you, too. "You going to be at Mom and Dad's for Christmas?"
For a moment, all I hear is Roxas's heavy breathing. And then, groggy with sleep and anger, "Of course I am."
I glance at Riku as I settle my back against the nippy window. I can't remember the last time I saw that much impatience fill his features.
"Okay. I was just wondering—do you know if their home number is still the same?" Of course he knows.
"Yeah, it is." There's a hesitation. "Why, what do you need it for?"
Nosey much? "Just to tell them that I'm going to be there for Christmas."
The second hesitation is longer. "…Really?" Roxas is attempting to play the game of polite interest, but he's never been all that good at it. Why? Because he's not polite to start with, so no one ever buys into it.
"Yeah. I miss them," I say, "and I've been an idiot for all these years for not talking to them."
"Well." Is that mild approval in my brother's voice, mingled in with a dash of suspicion? "They'll be happy to hear that. I'm glad you finally came to your senses."
The jab is meant to be light-hearted, so I take it as such. Besides, when's the last time Roxas and I made a comment to be good-natured and playful and not snarky and spiteful?
"Yeah. Oh, hey," I say suddenly, getting to my feet. "I've got to go to the bathroom. Want to talk to Riku for a sec in the meantime?"
"What?!"
Oh, the two of them are not hiding this very well at all.
Color me surprised.
"Yeah," I chirp. Riku looks indecisive, like he doesn't know whether to tell me no or take the phone. Which action won't signal the alarm? Wish I could help you there, Riku, but you dug this grave yourself. "Here, hold on."
Roxas seems to have decided for them. "No! Wait a min—"
I toss the phone at Riku. He regains his motor skills and starts to protest, but I'm already in the bathroom and closing the door. I flick on the lights. The toilet is waiting for me. I ignore it and instead grab the night glass on the sink. The door is wood, so it shouldn't be so hard to hear through it. I raise the glass, pressing the rim to the door and my ear against the bottom of it. Riku's voice comes to my ear in a muffled form, but in one that's understandable.
"I'm sorry, Rox."
Rox. ROX!
"I can't believe that you were with Sora yesterday and didn't tell me. … Well, you shouldn't have been texting me if Sora was there. … I don't care, Rox. It's wrong to do that. … Yeah, he can be an ass sometimes. But I try to treat people like Iwant to be treated. I wouldn't have been sitting there, texting you if my brother was…" Riku's voice is growing in volume, and I can hear that he's struggling to bring it down a few notches.
"I don't know what he's up to. I know. I know… but… well, I don't know if he's acting now. He said he—well. … Icare what he said, Rox."
I raise my brows. Gee, Rox, thanks.
"Listen,"Riku says. "This is getting out of control. I never meant for Sora to find out, and I think he's on to us."
You think?
"Yes. What? No, I'm not going to tell him. …Because he'll break up with me! …No, I don't want that… What? You or him?"
My heart clenches so painfully in my chest I fear I'm about to have an early death. Again.
"Rox, you know you won't like the answer."
Okay, feeling slightly better here. My heart's not ceasing in its incessant pounding, though.
"I told you before this all started that my heart belongs to—if you hang up, Sora is going to be suspicious. Argh, Rox, c'mon, stop it. I don't want to do this right now. …No, I don'twant him to find out! You're just hoping that he'll break up with me if he—"
I press the glass harder against the door, as if this is going to make Riku's next words louder.
Someone is tapping my shoulder.
I whirl, starting in surprise, and clutch the glass to my chest. Axel is standing there. His hands are on his hips and his eyebrows are raised nearly to his hairline. He looks disapproving. Great. Death is upset with me, too. Geeze, what else do I need here? I've got enough on my plate as it is.
I've never liked people being disappointed in me. Though you wouldn't be able to tell it by the way I act towards the ones that I disappoint.
"What are you doing here?" I hiss.
Axel puts a finger over his mouth. "He'll hear you. Listen—are you sure? That you want to do what it is you're planning?"
I frown at him. "What is it that I'm planning?"
He lays it out like he's spreading a map to my heart across the table. "To find out how Riku still feels about you, and if it's obvious that he's made up his mind that the two of you are finished, you let him go to your brother."
Guilty as charged.
Axel gives me this long look, sort of like the ones that Riku never runs out of. It's not quite condescending; it's more along the lines of considering me closely. Hm, how about when a teacher leans in close to you and says something that you might want to really keep in mind lest you get into trouble. Don't you want to be a good boy, Sora?
Axel's that teacher. "Are you sure you want to let him go so easily?" he says slowly, and his eyes bore into mine. There's barely an inch between our faces right now. I've just now noticed that his pupils really doglow—before, I had thought it a figment of my imagination.
Since we're playing the honest game, I lift my chin and squarely return the look. I've never wanted to have so much eye contact with Death, but I don't seem to have a choice in the matter. "It's not like I'm giving him away, Axel."
He nods his head in consent. His expression doesn't change. "Maybe he just needs a fight from your end."
I have to stare at my toes at that. The nails there could use a trim. "I'm dying in three days." God… three days. Three days already? Ugh, I don't know if I can think about that right now. It might just be too much.
Axel pulls back, and his grin is positively crooked. I can almost envision him as some sort of drug dealer. God, if he had ever lived a human life, I wonder what it was as? Probably not something as bad as crime, though. I mean, you can't get promoted to a position like that if you do bad things, right? I'm thinking about this too much.
"I said to enjoy the time you have left, and I meant it," he says. The way he's talking to me now is reminiscent of two people that have been friends since high school. Almost as if he's letting me in on some dirty little secret. "Besides, even if you rekindle long lost love between you, when you die, he can just turn to Roxas for comfort."
…What?
My jaw's hanging open. I snap it shut and pivot, folding my arms. Thenerve! What kind of thing is that to say to me, anyway? How God damn meancan one possibly get? I mean, I know they say that Death has a cruel sense of humor, but… I would never have expected that I would have to take it so literally.
"Or," he mutters. I feel him approaching me. His lips are close to my ear, his breath caressing over the hairs just behind it when he continues, "You can make sure that he never goes back to Roxas again."
"I love my brother." My voice is a whisper—I'm surprised at the resolve I hear in it. "And besides, I'm already going to hell. I don't need to make my punishment worse."
His fingers are curling over my shoulder, and his voice is a soft, subtle purr. "You'd just be looking out for yourself."
It's true, that tiny voice of reason speaks up.
I squash it and look over my shoulder at my unwanted companion. "I've been looking out for myself all this time. Maybe it's time I start thinking about someone else for once."
I'm half-expecting him to grow angry. But before he disappears, what is on his lips is only—a smile. A wide smile that touches his eyes and makes them glow brighter.
Sighing, I replace the glass I'm still holding on the counter. I keep my fingers on the rim and purse my lips. I'm mulling over what Axel said to me—wondering at the appeal. Yes, it would be so easy to just blot Roxas out of Riku's life. Hell, I've done it before. I stole him out from under Roxas's nose and kept him all to myself. We were happy that way. Roxas suffered, but I had always thought So what? My happiness was what mattered.
I think of the happiness I put in the trash every day in the form of white little pills.
Roxas,I think, deserves him more than I do.
But I'm still so afraid to let Riku go.
"And if it's obvious you two are finished…"
The plan. I have to stick with the plan.
I open the bathroom door, and it creaks because I do this so slowly I only start to see the bedroom inch by careful inch. When there's enough of a view that I can spot Riku, I stop, peering out. He's standing in front of the window like earlier this morning. One of his hands is on the wall. His other is clutching the phone. I'm going to take a while leap and assume that it's turned off. I'm kind of angry because I had wanted to hear that whole conversation with Roxas, but… we can't always get what we want.
I'm learning that now.
Wetting my lips, I make my way out of the bathroom. My feet are silent on the hardwood as I come around the bed and place a hand on Riku's shoulder from behind. He jumps. I'm already taking the phone out of his fingers and setting it on the window ledge. My smile is hesitant, but sincere.
Riku doesn't return it, opting to look down. "What did you mean by you're not planning on stealing him away from me, Sora?" He's got this quiet air about him. I wouldn't exactly say it was a type of threatening question—there's not any animosity to it. I can't really tell whathis mood is, actually.
"Well, I was just teasing." I shrug and tuck my hands into my pockets. "You spend a lot of time with him lately, so…"
He is immediately defensive. He's bristling like I stroked his metaphorical fur the wrong way. "Only because—"
I smile at him and tilt my head. "You need someone to talk to because I'm considerably lacking in that department." He hesitates. "I know."
Now he's frowning.
I'm fighting to keep my smile in place, yet it's slipping away from me so quickly. "I've got to take my meds, get a shower, and then head in to work. I stayed up late to finish the epilogue after I put together the tree, and I want Rinoa to get it." Since she didn't last time.
Riku nods his head. "All right."
I watch him. The words I want to say are stuck in my throat. I want them to come out, I do—it's not that I'm so much as afraid as…terrified, I guess. Terrified of facing rejection. He'd been so cold to me last night and mostly indifferent with me today. The odds of him saying yes were stacked against me. But… But I still had to try. That was what this was about. Getting things in order so that I can move on from this world with no regrets.
Riku watches me back. His lashes lower as his brows draw down. He's not yet frowning—he's probably wondering what I'm thinking about. Why I'm watching him so intently.
I bring my smile back; I make it wide, welcoming. "You can tell me anything, you know," I whisper. "Like how we used to."
Riku leans down to kiss my forehead. A slow descent, but an appreciated one. My eyes flutter closed when his lips brush over my skin. As he's retreating, just as slow-paced as before, I catch his lips with mine in a brief kiss. I like to think that it's also tender. That's what I'm trying to convey to him. Tenderness. Need. Want. Pure honestly.
It's okay, Riku. It's okay.
Or it will be.
He frowns and looks away. "I know."
I bite my lower lip. I want to say something further, but… what is there, really, to say? I let him know what I wanted him to know, and—he knew what I wanted him to know, so…
"All right."
Riku is staring out the window.
"I'm going to take a shower."
He nods distractedly.
My fingers curl around his elbow and I take the plunge. "Want to take one with me?" With the way my heart was pounding so fast after I blurted it out, you would think that I have never showered with him before. Completely ridiculous, I know. We've enjoyed numerous occasions together beneath that hot spray of water, even if our last sessions have been seriously lacking. But still… what if he says no…? Can I handle it? I thinkso, but—
He's surprised. I can see it now; it's all over his face. Eyebrows that rise to his hairline and then lower over the bridge of his nose. A slight widening of the eyes.
The smile on my mouth has yet to leave, although it's beginning to waver again.
And then—
He smiles back.
"Okay," he says.
My heart skips. I stare up at him for a moment. There is no rejection in those green irises, only a shared delight. For me, this moment has the equivalent of asking your date to come upstairs with you and having him follow without making excuses. That joyous and disbelieving feeling that he actually said yes.
Does Riku still want me, too?
I swallow hard. "Okay."
I tug at his elbow to lead him toward the bathroom. We giggle between ourselves like two high schoolers on the way. My cheeks are warm, so I'm pretty sure I'm blushing. Riku's eyes are shyly diverting themselves as he pulls off my nightshirt. There, across his nose, is a line of perfect pink.
It doesn't take us long to undress one another. After all, I'd only been wearing pajamas. Okay, so it was longer for me to get Riku undressed than the other way around, but who's keeping track? Besides… I love unbuttoning his shirt after I've tossed that black sweater to the side. I get to admire all that pale skin and run my fingertips across his muscles as I breathe kisses to his throat. Who wouldn'twant to be in my position?
The dip of his hips into his slacks is beautiful. Maybe even godly. I'll go so far as to say worthy of worship. I can't believe that I've let myself ignore the things that I love most about his body for weeks now. Riku has always been perfect to me. Sweet if not arrogant. Understanding. Caring. Attentive. I still remember when he used to whisper into my ear all these little nothings until I fell asleep to the sound of his voice. His fingers would be stroking along my arm the entire time.
We stumble a bit as my arms wrap around his neck and he searches my mouth for kisses. The awkwardness from the day before is gone. I'm not sad to see it go.
His mouth is familiar, but new. We're playing an old game that we haven't in a while. Where you've forgotten most of what you had to do, but once you get going, all the pieces start falling back into place and you remember. And you appreciate it more becauseyou remember.
Riku uses his foot to shut the door behind him.
I smile against his mouth and he smiles back.
"I love you," I murmur.
He plants kisses behind my ear. "I love you, too."
And for right now, that's all that I need to hear.
-o-o-
I rub my loofa over Riku's chest, and I make sure that I don't miss an inch of it. To be honest, I can't… really remember the last time that I saw Riku's chest so bared to me. I mean—I've seen it. But I haven't seenit. In a way, it's like this is another one of our firsts, but it's much better than a first because it has that added comfort that we've both been down this route before. I wouldn't… I wouldn't exchange it for anything in the world.
Not even to have my life back.
I guess that's what is making this whole thing so—therefor me. This will be one of the last times that I get to admire Riku like this. That I get to hold him close, scrubbing shampoo into his scalp as he runs his soapy fingers over my ribs. I laugh at that, by the way. I'm very ticklish. Riku's always been the first person to exploit it. He once told me that he thought my giggle when I was being tickled was one of the cutest sounds on earth. How unmanly is that, right? Yet—in moments like these, when I recall that sort of thing—who cares how manly it is? Who the fuck cares. It was a compliment made out of love.
I've always read too deeply into things. This is one of the reasons that a wedge was driven between us. I see it. Riku sees it. So why can't I just not be defensive? Why can't I just stop reading into everything? I want to. I reallywant to. Especially now, when there's like two and a half days left on my life…
God.
I'm never going to get to see Riku ever again.
He places his lips against mine. He's still smiling. His smile is rare outside the two of us. In fact, I'm surprised that he's smiled so much in the last day. They're not those broad smiles that people get. He doesn't even grin much, for that matter. His mouth just… there's a faint pull of one side of his mouth that isn't at all a smirk. And his eyes light up just a little bit—and there it is. That rare, priceless gem.
Oh, fuck. Why was I so quick to throw this away the first time?
I think of the picture and I know why. I remember. But this is supposed to be my second chance. My chance to enjoy things while they last, to make amends. Axel's right, I should be taking advantage of every moment of it. I guess I just—I know that I'll be leaving soon. So soon. And Riku isn't even aware of it. It will crush him—if he still loves me—to fix things with me, and then… I take my life. I die right in his arms all over again.
Riku pushes me against the wall. I'm out of the range of the shower spray now. The shower wall is cool against my back, not to mention wet. Riku's mouth attacks mine with less and less patience, his tongue plundering the depths. I slip my arms around his neck to draw him closer. My thigh rubs against his. His rubs back, a long, slow line of skin that drags against mine. When I shiver, he moans.
Riku moaning.
I thought I'd never hear that again.
And the heat of his body against mine is threatening to suffocate me sweetly.
I let it.
-o-o-
After pouring soap along the water so that it kills the mess we left in it, Riku and I take turns toweling each other off. Neither of us can really stop grinning. I bet we look really dorky, haha. But—it's sweet. Seeing Riku smile at me like this. I thought he'd forgotten how to.
I attack his hair with a towel as he sits on the toilet seat so that I can have easier access. His fingers play along the backs of my knees, and I jerk them forward. Damn it. It sucks being this ticklish, and my look for him is a sharp reprimand. He smiles up at me, all perfect innocence. Look, Sora, isn't my shining halo so pretty? Ah, but Riku—it's a little crooked, here, let me straighten it for you…
"Ow, my nose!" Riku laughs. "What was thatfor?"
"Don'tdothat! You know I'm ticklish." I wave my fingers menacingly. "Or else your nose'll get tweaked again, bucko."
He rests his forehead on my stomach when I pull the towel away. His hair is a rumpled mess of silver, and what's not tangled sticks to his neck and shoulders. People probably think he really needs a haircut, but I've always admired the long strands. He can get away with it at work because he pulls it back out of the way. I think it's just because he's so pretty that Riku always gets what he wants, even from the high-ups. Must be nice to look so gorgeous.
"I have to go soon," I hear myself murmuring. I play with a strand of his hair that's sticking up out of the rest and twirl it around my fingertip.
Riku kisses the inside of my wrist. "To work?"
I open my mouth but hesitate. There's so… so much I want to say right now, but I can't bring myself to. That unspoken rule lingers at the back of my mind. In my head, I can see an image of Axel as he holds out his hand to me, his green eyes ominous and carrying every sign of a threat if I don't cooperate with what he wants. On the one hand, it would be so easy to tell Riku that this is probably the last time we'll get to have together—like this—like what just transpired in the shower.
On the other hand…
My hand drops from his hair and I find myself smiling.
"Yeah. To work."
We linger a bit in the doorway. My truck keys are in my hand. Riku is kissing my jaw in slow, tender movements. He's got me pressed against the doorframe. All the heat from inside the house is escaping to the outside and the snow there. Neither of us pays it any mind. He's too distracted in showering me with affection, and likewise, I'm too distracted reveling in every moment of it. I don't want to go to work.
Okay, so—I won't be gone for too long, but… I don't want to part with Riku. The mere thought of it is absolutely painful, like I'll be giving a piece of myself away. Another piece. An important piece that I need.
"Do you love me?" I whisper.
"So much, Sora," he breathes into my hair. "So much."
Did he ask you the same thing?
Did you say it back?
The words rise like bile in my throat. I swallow them back. Now's not the time. Later, maybe, but not now. I just want to be selfish for a little while longer. Axel's right, I only have a couple of days left, and the clock is steadily ticking. I'm not going to spend the whole of it pining after Riku, no. I'm going to stick to my guns and carry through with my original plan. Right now, though… right now, Axel isright.
I can afford to have a few minutes more of selfishness.
"So what are you going to do while I'm gone?" I ask to shift my thoughts to lighter subject matter.
"I'll just probably be hanging around the house until you get back." He rests his forehead on mine, smiling, and tugs at the tails of my scarf.
"Okay." I tilt my head up to kiss him. "I'll see you in a couple of hours tops."
He returns the kiss before stepping away to give me room to exit. "Okay," he agrees. "I love you."
"I love you, too." I wave the hand that's holding my keychain, and the keys jingle together in merry chimes.
The snow crunches beneath my boots. By the time I'm to my truck, there's clumps of flakes gathered along the tops. Snow. Ah, snow. There's definitely not snow where I'mgoing.
I know Riku's watching me, so I don't linger. What I really want to do is rest my forehead against my window and just sigh exhaustedly and have a moment to think about my impending doom. An eternity in hell. How could I have been so damn stupid? But sticking around here isn't going to accomplish anything, and Riku iswatching, so I climb into the truck cab. My baby stutters to life, purrs. We're good to go.
Riku waves at me from the doorway. I wait until I'm mostly out into the road before I wave back. Then I get going towards the city.
I keep the radio turned off. I want to listen to my truck's engine humming along. Besides, without all that noise coming from whatever station I flipped it to last, I have time to enjoy the memory of that moment with Riku in the shower. I can still feel his lips and his teeth on my neck, and I'm glad I'm wearing a turtleneck. The whole world doesn't need to see the hickies that I'm sporting. I may be dying in less than three days, but I've still got a sense ofmodesty.
I don't realize I'm crying until I laugh and the tears spill down my cheeks.
The salt on my lips never tasted so sweet.
-o-o-
Rinoa Leonheart is my editor. She is one of the most dedicated editors I've ever had, in fact. You see, we share a common interest in getting my manuscripts finished. Previous editors liked to breathe down my neck about how I better meet a certain deadline or our contract was null. With Rin, if I'm having difficulty meeting a deadline she's set for me, she'll call me up and ask me to take a walk with her. And on that walk, we'll usually discuss whatever it is that's preventing the flow of my inspiration from getting onto paper. And by the end of those walks? I'm ready to tackle my current manuscript again.
We have a good relationship. I know it, she knows it. She doesn't rush me. She's understanding. A bit teasing, but understanding. I don't think that we've ever had to exchange some harsh words or anything. To me, she makes the perfect editor. I love that she has that much dedication in me. I've never let her know this, but… the least I can do this time around is make sure that she gets my epilogue in her hands.
Tying up loose ends is always hard. And sometimes you'll miss a thread or two and won't realize it until later, in which case you have to unwind what you've got bound and tie up everything all over again, but… the fruits of labor are often rewarding enough. Knowing that Rin will get her hands on the final part of my current manuscript brings a sense of peace to me. Like I said, I hadn't really been thinking about it before.
I've really got to stop thinking so much about me, me, me. Look at all the damage it's caused.
I let myself in the door to her office without bothering to knock. The first thing I notice is that she's got fresh flowers set in vases around the room. Most of them have balloons attached and prongs carrying cards. Rinoa's nine months pregnant, so this isn't so surprising. She's due to pop in a few days. Another reason to get the manuscript in her hands—less for her to stress out about before the big day.
Rinoa is leaning against her desk, and she looks up when I enter the room. She was in the middle of laughing. The sound falls short when she sees me, but then her eyes light up. They're big and brown and some of the friendliest that I've ever seen. Rinoa has this whole air around her that is completely energetic on a more mellow level (if that makes any sense), and though her smiles like to think themselves mischievous, rarely have her pranks gotten her into any harm.
She looks radiant. All pregnant women do. Before this, she was so skinny despite being around my height, and I'm pretty short. Now that she's in her third trimester, her face has filled out so that her cheekbones don't appear so hollow anymore. Not to mention the huge mound of her stomach. I've placed my hands on it several occasions before to feel the baby kick. It's going to be a girl, by the way. Raine Leonhart. She told me that she and her husband were naming it after said husband's deceased mother.
Come to think of it—I don't think I've evermet her husband. That must be him, though, that's facing the window with his back turned to the room. I see unkempt brown hair brushing shoulder blades in layers and familiarity strikes me. The broad shoulders, the bomber jacket… Have I seen this before? Yes, I have—no one else I've met has an ass like that.
Oh, God.
The guy at the Christmas tree place is actually Squall, Rinoa's husband?
I checked out my editor's husband!
And I'm stillchecking out my editor's husband!
I look away. Damn, this is… embarrassing, to say the least.
"Sora, I'm glad that you could make it." Rinoa's voice is slightly breathy, not too high-pitched, not too low. It's got this very pleasant lilt, actually, like birdsong.
"Ididcall to say I'd be coming," I remind her.
She smiles. "This is Squall, my husband."
Man at the Window turns toward us. His eyes widen slightly when he sees me. Haha… go figure.
"Squall, this is Sora." Rinoa gestures.
Squall comes around the desk to hold out his hand to me. His gray eyes are boring intently into mine. Damn, he's kind of intimidating in averysexy way. Rinoa's lucky she netted somebody like him. And whoa, why am I still thinking about this guy in ways that I don't need to when he's obviously off limits?
"I think we've met before—last night, in fact."
My grin is probably sheepish. "Yeah. With the Christmas trees. I'm sorry that my brother mistook you for an employee…"
Squall shakes his head. Shaggy hair follows the movement. "Don't worry about it."
Rinoa is confused. She raises her face to Squall, her brows raising inquisitively. "Squall?" she prompts. "You saw him last night when you were getting a Christmas tree and didn't bother to tell me?"
Though she has a wry smirk on her lips that is obviously meant to be teasing, Squall frowns at her. "Like I'd recognize some guy I've only ever heard you talk about, Rin…"
She laughs and pats his arm. "Anyway. Squall's going to be editing your epilogue for me, Sora, as well as your project for the next six weeks. I'm going to be occupied with the baby, so I won't really have time to help you."
Wow, Squall's an editor? News to me. Whatever, even if this little revelation didbother me, it's not like it would matter. I won't be around for that "next project," and it won't matter who edits the epilogue in the end, either. No voiced opinions from Sora if he's lying dead beneath some solid earth.
Man. I'm really getting morbid as the hours pass.
"Okay," I say.
Rinoa rubs her hand over Squall's back as he settles his hips to lean them against the desk beside her. He folds his arms. They're both watching me, but Rinoa is the one who speaks next, "I know Squallseemsquiet, but he's very good to have a conversation with if you're ever feeling in an inspiration stump. He used to help me formulate ideas for my books all the time."
Now how cute is that?
"He's very good at giving his opinion on things if you ask him verynicely," Rinoa pauses to grin at Squall as he shoots her a look before continuing, "and if you aren't wary of blunt honesty."
I laugh despite myself. Rinoa's good moods have always been infectious. "I'll keep that in mind."
We chat idly for the next few minutes until Rinoa hands me the numbers to reach them if I need anything at all. Apparently Rinoa's acquired a new cell phone since yesterday (I called her office earlier to talk to her), and well, I obviously don't have Squall's. This would be handy if I was going to be alive to use them. Ah, well. The gesture is sweet, and there's not much else that I can say to them about it.
When I leave, Rinoa is whispering a private joke into Squall's ear. He's leaned down a little bit to hear her better, and his smile is wry as she continues speaking. I can't make out the whispers, but that's okay.
I shut the door behind me.
Everyone else has someone to talk to.
Whatever, it doesn't matter. In two and a half days, I won't need anyone to talk to anymore, anyway.
-o-o-
The sun is disappearing beneath the horizon. It's so quick to disappear these days. I want to stay and enjoy the view, but the parking lot is nearly empty and I'll just look creepy. Besides, I'm already getting the evil eye from this little old woman shuffling past. Amazing, considering most people tell me that I have "charisma." Can't win everyone over, I guess. Such is life.
I pull open the door to my truck and climb in. The seat is chilly from how long it's been vacated, and I shiver. Good God, why does it have to be so damn coldwhen the sun goes away? I know the answer to that, but still. My teeth are chattering as I push my trembling key into the ignition. I hope that my truck will be a good girl and behave like she's supposed to. The last thing I need is to be broken down forty-five minutes away from home and have to wait out here in the damn cold until Riku comes to get me.
If I were going to be alive for much longer, I'd replace this damn thing.
Since I'm so distracted with fiddling with the truck for it to start, I don't notice that I have company until I'm getting ready to reverse out of my parking spot.
Axel is leering at me.
I yelp, jumping straight out of my seat and almost bashing my brains out on the ceiling. Good fucking grief! My heart's pounding so hard it's like it's ready to burst straight out of my chest. I settle slowly back into my seat and fasten my seatbelt, all the while giving my companion and evil glare. He just grins right back at me, sprawled along the passenger seat. His feet are crossed at the ankles on the dashboard, and his arm is slung over the headrest of his seat. His hot pink scythe is nowhere in sight.
"What do you want?" I grit out. I'm afraid if I raise my voice much louder, I'll start yelling. I don't want to yell at Death. Something tells me that that's not such a wise idea.
His voice is a steady drawl as his eyebrow arches in mock amusement, "Such hostility, Sora. What did I ever do to you?"
Gee, maybe the fact that you're going to take me to limbo in two days might have something to do with it.
I don't say this out loud. Axel's been gracious enough to me. After all, I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for him.
"I'm here because I came to remind you yet again that you should be living like you're never going to get the chance to again." Axel lifts his gloved fingers and studies where his nails would be. "It's not like you have all the time in the world here."
"Why do you care so much? You said you were busy, yet you keep checking up on me, and the visits are getting more and more frequent." God, why do I sound so hostile? He's right. I need to tone it down. Maybe I'm just bitter because the pressure of the twenty-fourth is creeping nearer and nearer and Axel is the only one who knows about it, so he's the only one I can properly take it out on. Except—I can't, not if I don't want to mess around with a situation that's already sticky as it is.
"Weeeeeell," Axel purrs. He pulls his legs down from the dash and leans across the seat, his hands finding purchase on the middle glove compartment. His green eyes are glowing in the near dark. Is it just my imagination, or has he always had those tattoos just beneath his eyes? They're shaped like tear drops… "You're like my personal little project at the moment. I want to know that it's going to go smooth sailing."
A hint of alarm trickles through me, starting at the base of my skull and moving like icy liquid down my spine. "I thought you were going to get in trouble once the high-ups found out that you're helping me."
Axel's smirk is familiar. Too familiar.
He's gone before I can question it.
I sigh and scrub my hands through my hair.
Just who am I dealing with?
-o-o-
The house is silent, or at least the portion I just stepped in is.
I close the door to the mudroom behind me and peel off my boots. Clumps of snow hit the rug, along with a few dark spots of mud. Nothing too serious, though. That snow is getting packed down out there, so there's not much earth to work with. I guess that's a good thing. Riku despises muddy tracks.
Speaking of Riku… He's slumped over the kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee. The TV is on. Images of a scientist in a laboratory flicker across the screen, along with some sort of experiment the guy is working on. Discovery Channel's logo is at the bottom. They must have found something again. I can't really catch what they're saying or else I'd get a general idea. Oh, well.
I come up behind my boyfriend. My hands find his shoulders. I'm surprised to find them so tense. When I begin to knead into them, he leans back into my touch and sighs appreciatively. I'm surprised I'm still good at massages. I haven't done one in months. Well, as long as Riku's enjoying himself, I guess that's all that matters, isn't it?
"Did you talk to your parents again?" I inquire to break the silence. There's too much of it. Words—we need to talk. Talk while we still have time.
"Briefly, but nothing special happened." Riku rolls his shoulders up into my hands, and a deep groan resonates in his throat. He drops his head forward. I imagine that his eyes are closed and that his lips are slightly parted as he concentrates on the feeling of me working the knots of tension out of his body.
"No?"
"Mom was just complaining about how much it's going to cost to fix everything."
I stop the massage and smile before I lower my face into his hair. I inhale deep. The shampoo I scrubbed into his hair for him earlier smells so sweet. And beneath that, just Riku. Why did I neglect him so much before? Why does anybody neglect the person they've been with for what seems like forever? All I know is that right now, I want to rectify that. I want to make sure he knows that I appreciate him so much.
Riku's voice comes to my ears in a quiet whisper. "I've missed you…"
I pause. At first, I'm not sure what to say to that. The words touch my heart more than I had initially thought they would. Tears prick at my eyes, but I hold them at bay. Not now. I won't cry right now. I need to be strong.
My lips find the crown of his head in a kiss. "I've missed you, too."
I slide my arms around his neck and hold him close to me. He doesn't complain or struggle. His head just finds the crook of my neck and stays there. We watch the TV, but I doubt either of us are really seeing it. We're more wrapped up in the thought of each other to pay much attention to anything else.
I wish that it could stay this way, but Axel's right.
I'm not getting any third chances.
The link for the unedited version of this chapter (read: the NC-17 version) is http colon slash slash users dot livejournal dot com slash underscore secretplace slash 28397 dot html. Feel free to comment over there if you don't have a LiveJournal account, because it will still accept anonymous. Don't forget to review here, either, heehee! Oh, and if you're having trouble with the linking, let me know, I'll e-mail it to you.