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I do not own SM
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It's All Because of You
(Rated MA)
eM.pHi
III. Searching For Love
The sun would shine, and once again you'd be mine…
but in reality you and I would never be…
because you took your love away from me…
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I feel that in order to continue with this story I need to let some people know what is currently on my mind.
As stated in the PREVIOUS 2 chapters, I felt the NEED to start again, as after reading the previous story I realised that it SUCKED, there were INCOMPLETED BLOCKS within the story, and that at points NOTHING SEEMED TO FLOW. That is why I have decided to START AGAIN. Please take note that I will NOT be finishing off the old story just to make people happy, there is no point AS MY HEART IS NO LONGER IN IT!
Other than that, I would like to thank everyone for the lovely reviews. This story is therefore dedicated to those who like, agree or simply doesn't mind reading this revised version :3
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The phone was ringing, the sound was deafening but I couldn't help but hold onto it tighter… pick up… please pick up… I thought, praying, knowing my knuckles were turning white from the death grip I was putting onto the phone, but no one answered, and it had kept on ringing and ringing, dropping my grip off the phone slightly, I could feel my resolve to talk, to let it all out, became weaker and weaker… maybe it was a sign… a sign from god… telling me that no matter what happened… no one could care… no one would listen… maybe god was never there for me… as I had thought…
In the midst of hanging up I hear her crisp voice echo through the phone, my heart pounds for unknown reasons and my grip on the phone becomes stronger. Was it the fact that I was nervous in asking for help after showing her such a strong side of me for so long? Or could it be that I have finally become the thing I most detested in the world… a weakling…? A pitiful person who didn't deserve the air to breathe…? Either one… I knew she was the only one that could help me…
"Minako? Is that you?" I hear her ask me, her voice had changed… it had become more… mature, stronger. "Minako?" I want to tell her that it is me, but my voice seemed to have betrayed me, becoming caught on nothing, making it difficult to breathe, to do anything… and in horror, what was meant to be a quick and professional 'yes' turned into a heart wrenching cry of something inaudible. The thought of becoming something I never wanted to become, caused me to cry even louder, and after so long I have turned into something I promised myself I would never be… I have become the one person I dedicated my life to protecting… I've become my own mother… weak with fears…
Being an only child within the family, I felt the need to protect my mother when she was crying over the simplest things, sometimes wondering that if I were to have a bother, would things be different? I had always adored my mother, I had loved her spirit, it was so gentle and kind, just what all mothers were stereotyped to be… but my mother wasn't a stereotype… she was real… but it seemed that the world had slashed at her kind and gentle soul, for she would cry over small things… like spilt milk, a hair upon her head out of place, or when she broke something accidentally due to her clumsy and shaky hands… anything that seemed so… unimportant seemed to crash and burn around her, causing her to drop to her knees in a fit of tears, begging me over and over again to forgive her…
Although then I had no idea why she was like that, I would dumbly nod my head, hold her within my tiny arms and tell her that it was okay… "I still love you mummy…" it was odd that a small child was comforting her own mother, and at times I questioned this situation… in books and movies the mother was always the shoulder the child needed when something bad had happened to them, not like this… not like us… yet it wasn't until the night that my father had come home early after being sacked from work yet again, that I realised why my mother was so terrified of small things…
I always thought myself to be a heavy sleeper, going to bed right after dinner and not waking up until it was bright and early the next day… I remember that day as if it were yesterday… I had felt sick in the stomach all day, throwing up food in which I consumed… and because of this, that night I had skipped dinner. I remember pouring it down the sink when mother was looking, doing it quickly so she wouldn't cry over something that I had done… I remember feeling as if I had betrayed my mother that night… but I had pushed that feeling aside, it was only one dinner after all.
I had never been so wrong…
That night I lay awake listening to the sobs of my mother getting louder… while my fathers angry shouts grew in ten folds. Crashing, slamming and the sound of skin against skin could be heard, as her cries echoed through the hallways… the noise was deafening… it shock my soul and like a sharp knife, it slashed at my heart… that night I found out my father was an abusive man, and had been so since the night he married my mother… that following night I helped my mother escape…
That night my father died…
"Rei… I need your help…"
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I couldn't sleep that night, pieces of the conversation kept replaying over and over in my mind. I felt restless, concerned and… fear…? All these emotions haven't been felt in my being in so long that it caused me to become confused and extremely agitated, more than I was before. I could tell everyone knew about my mood, as they all walked about on thin ice, making sure not to make oil my anger, even Mamoru stayed clear of me… though for what reason I wasn't too sure… but from the looks of worry that crossed his face when I caught him staring at me… I could tell… he wanted to know what was on my mind… but I couldn't tell him…
What could I say…?
It wasn't until the next evening that I was out, walking down towards the same street that I had done for the past three years of my life, the street in which I found a haven, where peace was found… yet as I was walking down this particular street this time, I felt the pit of my stomach jump in concern and fear. Only when something had drastically occurred in her life would she ask for help like she had that night, I never knew something that had occurred could also be life threatening… last night was the first time I had heard her sound so helpless… and tonight was the first time I saw it.
When I had entered her apartment, I had expected it to be a mess, to be covered in shattered glass and plates, filled with hate and angry… but it was as neat as ever, everything was in place, nothing seemed wrong… that is, if you missed the heap on the floor with dark circles under her eyes and a knife in her hands. My heart cringe within my body, as the imagine she presented was nothing to the strong woman I knew her to be… she was nervous and twitchy and just by starring at her shaken form… I knew she was hurt… physically, mentally and emotionally…
Her eyes darted around the room in fear, reacting in a way that it seemed like she was readying herself for a death match, where any minute now someone could come in and destroy us all… she looked like the angel that she always was… but her wings have been tainted, and her soul has been crushed… she was falling… and falling hard down into the hard surface of the world…
I whispered her name, feeling that if I were to talk loudly, the pieces of her sanity that she was holding onto ever so tightly would crumble and she would be no more… It surprised me when I realised I knew nothing about her from all the years that I had stayed with her, I had felt it to be rude, to ask your saviour of their past, which it seemed they tried so hard to hide… but it wasn't until she had told me the previous night about how her father was abusive to her mother… did I truly understand her pain…
I had thought my life was worse… but I couldn't even compare the two… her mother was being abused by the worst of men, having a line of previous wives in which he had abused also… and being the kind hearted women Minako always presented her mother to be, her mother had been feeding her sleeping pills within her meals to keep her oblivious to the monster her mother was living with, in order for her to have a normal and free life…
It had surprised me at first, yet after hearing about her past; I understood why she was so strong minded and stubborn beyond measure. She had been through so much… more than anyone could ever imagine. She seemed so unbeatable, and after so long her past was haunting her… the moment I had walked up to her and allowed her to cry her soul out within my arms, I couldn't stop hating myself for letting her go through this alone… seeing the cuts and bruises upon her once porcelain skin made my blood boil in a need for revenge.
She had told me so many stories of a guy she had meant recently… yet I keep forgetting that contact between us had stopped for the past year… and when she needed me most… I was in my own world worrying about what soap I should use in order to keep my skin feeling healthy… how foolish and selfish could I get? She was all alone, wanting nothing more that peace, love and happiness to enter her world… yet she got nothing but the complete opposite…
Watching her holes upon the walls of her home, I couldn't help but grip onto her tighter… tonight I would be her mother… like she had been mine for so long…
"I… I think I killed him Rei…"
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Its funny how one never really realises how lonely one is until the truth comes roaring from every corner and slaps you upon the face. Not once today have I felt my confidence give a massive haul to the bottom of my shoes after realising that yet again, I have managed to find myself in a place where couples seem to only exist, while the singleton – myself – stands out like a sore thumb. It seemed that no matter where I look, my gaze lands upon a couple within a passionate, and dare I say, disturbing kiss. Don't get me wrong though, its not that I'm against the motion of love, I'm the person who believes in make love not war kinda thing, but after seeing so much affection – too much affection – being passed between two people within the span of half an hour, the sight truly starts to become sickening.
Get a room… I thought annoyingly, trying hard not to roll my eyes at them. I'm an adult after all, and being the mature adult that I am, I will reframe myself from acting like a disgusted child.
It worried me that it seems they find great satisfaction in giving the crowd a nice pg-rated show. And people wonder why kids these days find themselves pregnant at 16 or end up having a high case of STI. Really, who does this? "Well at least I'm not the only one…" I murmur quietly to myself, as I stare interestingly at the man walking towards my direction. With a hunched back, and walking at a quick pace, I believe that I'm not the only one realising this great show of soft-core pornography, as the couple have decided to slightly grope each other in, of cause, a sensible way – as sensible as you can get in public, but he also.
There was something oddly familiar about the man though, and even if I try to convince myself that I was only drawn to him by his lack of partner, I couldn't stop my stupid nagging brain, that it could be something else like his face for instance… he was handsome, extremely handsome. The way he walked, although hunched back to stop the cold breeze passing us, still gave him the air of authority, of high-class. Maybe it was the fact that I had a weakness for dark haired man and the way that his raven locks seem to fall ever so messily and graciously around his defined face… I couldn't help but feel the pit of my stomach launch at the feeling of desire…
Dear god, the sexually driven couple have somehow converted me into becoming one of them.
Shaking my head as fast as I could to rid the image of his naked body pressed up against mine, as his large hands roll over my own… "oh god" I mutter before standing up quickly and beginning to rush towards home at least there I can think for myself… having that damn couple there is messing with my mind… but before I could even fathom what happened between the time of me thinking about his strong body up against mine and the idea of running home I find myself crushed between a warm solid brick and comforting arms.
A rumble passes through me as I hear his deep and rich chuckle "it seems that dear Rei was wrong about me…" he had said, and for that instant I melted within his arms… they were so warm and… safe… a feeling I haven't felt in the longest possible time… not since… well… it'd been so long I don't even remember! "Are you quite alright little girl?" he asked me, and I feel myself blushing in embarrassment and anger.
So I'm not exactly tall for my age, and when wearing overbearing jackets as I am now, I look twice as young. But that gave him no right to assume that I was something due to appearance! I push myself out of his warm barrier much to my body's disagreement and look up at his face. The calm and lazy smile on his face vanishes before I could print that image into my brain, his eyes – which are the most amazing colour of cobalt I have ever seen – are clouded over with such emotion that I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into his soul… What the hell is going on…? I thought, however before my brain could come up with a reasonable explanation I hear his voice shred through my being… and although I can't make out a single word in which he is saying I can't help but feel a tremble… "oh god…"
Mamoru Chiba…
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Fin.
review and make me happy :3