Confessions pt 3

"Hello, Maura." Angela said warmly as she walked into the kitchen. It was fairly early on a Saturday morning. Ma Rizzoli had let herself into the main house to share some of Maura's fancy coffee, maybe make her daughter's friend some breakfast.

"Morning Angela." Maura said with a soft smile.

Angela frowned. The doctor looked tired and stressed. Maura seemed to look that way a lot as of late. Angela wanted to ask why, but every time she had tried Maura's eyes had grown teary and she shook her head, telling her she was sorry but that she didn't want to talk about it.

Maura turned and opened the fridge, staring into it for a while. She knew Angela was getting suspicious again. She wished she could avoid her inquiring but she practically lived in her house.

Not that she minded the older woman's company; it was nice to have someone around. Jane wasn't over to her place very often anymore. It wasn't that they were still fighting, that ended in the police station elevator over almost two months ago. But it seemed that something between them had been left in that space.

Jane and Maura had always been busy people, they were professionals after all, but they had always made time for each other. Now, though they were no busier than they were before, they spent less and less time together. Maura always seemed to have work to do and Jane went out drinking with Frost and Korsak more often, rather than coming down to the morgue ask Maura to join her.

The doctor tried to tell herself that it meant nothing, that Jane was just busy, that they would adjust and things would go back to normal. But it was getting harder and harder to believe that things would ever be the same between her and Jane.

Even when Jane and Maura managed to find time to spend together, they acted awkward and distant. Maura was constantly worried that she would say or do something that would make Jane uncomfortable. And Jane was always on alert for any sort of behavior that may betray the secret she was finding harder and harder to keep.

"Have you heard from Janey lately?" Angela said, trying to keep the conversation casual, but a bit of anxiousness was revealed in her cautious tone.

"No." Maura said with a sigh, avoiding eye contact as she prepared her breakfast. "She's been busy I guess."

"I haven't seen her much either." Angela said, taking a pan from the cabinet and the ingredients from the doctor. There was a momentary non-verbal exchange between them in which Angela stared at Maura firmly until the honey blond finally relented and sat down at the island. At first Maura had incessantly protested when Ma Rizzoli insisted on cooking for her. But it had become such a common occurrence that now Maura hardly resisted at all.

This morning the doctor was feeling especially compliant, so she simply sat and waited to be served in relative silence. She let out a quiet sigh as she watched the back of Angela's head. She could tell that the older woman was simply trying to soothe her, but, honestly, there was nothing she or anyone could do to improve the situation. If Jane and Maura were ever to get over this bump in their relationship it would take time and effort, both of which Jane seemed to be lacking.

"I just…" Angela whimpered suddenly. "It breaks my heart to see you two like this."

"Angela!" Maura said, leaping to her feet immediately and placing a concerned hand on the woman's gently rocking shoulder. "Are you crying?"

"I'm sorry." Angela said, shaking her head and dropping the spoon in her hand to wipe her teary face. "Don't mind me, just my hormones talking."

"Yes," Maura said with an empathetic smile, rubbing Angela's arm reassuringly, "Perimenopause can cause hormonal imbalances that trigger mood swings, vasomotor instability, increased stress, forgetfulness, vagin—"

"Thank you Maura." Angela interrupted her quite suddenly. "I appreciate that you are trying to comfort me, but I'm very much aware of the symptoms already."

Maura smiled weakly, blushing slightly. Without Jane being around all the time to stop her, she had forgotten how her Google mouth could be far more off-putting than comforting. At least Angela knew her well enough to know that she meant well.

"Hasn't Jane been to see you at all? I'm sure she still comes down to the Café." Maura said, remembering the comment Angela had made a few minutes ago. Perhaps that was why the older woman was upset.

"Not much." Angela said, turning back to the food and stirring it idly. "The only time I ever really see her there is when she's with you. She never really drank coffee before she met you, you know."

Maura smiled, sitting back down at the island as Angela served their meal onto two plates. "No," Maura said, looking up at Angela slightly confused, "I didn't know that."

"She does a lot of things now that she never did before you." Angela observed quietly, sitting down across from Maura. "She always used to hate exercising, outside of playing ball with Tommy and Frankie. Now you have her jogging and doing yoga. You even got her to wear a dress a few times!"

"Not without complaining." Maura said, between careful bites. "Besides, you got her to wear a dress for Lieutenant Grant once."

"Yeah!" Angela said with exasperation. "For a date she promptly walked right out of!"

Maura was quiet and avoided Angela's eyes. All the reminiscing was causing her heart to ache. If only she could go back to that time almost three years ago. The way Jane had looked at her when she had told her she was gorgeous. Maura just wanted that back.

"And she went straight to see you that night." Angela added quietly, watching Maura closely.

"How did you know that?" Maura said, suddenly looking up at the older woman.

Angela smiled, "I didn't really, I just guessed." When Maura simply looked down at her neglected meal, Angela continued. "It's always been you, hasn't it?"

"Hm?" Maura said, looking up at Angela confused.

"She's always come back to you." Angela said with a shrug. "After Grant, and Dean, and Casey. Every time her heart is broken, she comes running to you."

Maura blushed and subtly shook her head. "She's my best friend, of course I'm there for her."

"But a couple months ago…" Angela said, watching Maura's reaction carefully. "When you two were fighting again… she couldn't come to you."

Maura closed her eyes and tried to fight back the tears. She felt so horrible for the pain she had caused Jane. If only she could have been less selfish, maybe things would be different now. But there was no going back, no matter how hard she hoped for it.

"Angela… I…" Maura tried to say. She wished she could explain; she wished she could tell Angela how sorry she was for hurting her daughter.

"I've never seen her so broken, Maura." Angela said, tears brimming in her eyes. "I've never seen my baby girl so broken hearted."

"I'm so sorry, Angela." Maura cried, "I never meant to hurt her."

Angela gently placed a hand on Maura's shaking arm. "Maura, honey, I don't blame you. This is not your fault."

"You don't know that!" Maura said, burying her face in her hands. "I never should have—I was so selfish to think that..."

"That she loved you too?" Angela finished for her.

Maura gasped and stared at Angela in shock. How did she know? How could she know? Maura was speechless.

Angela gave her a sympathetic smile, "Maura, you and Jane do not give me enough credit. I know far more than I let on."

"But…" Maura stuttered, "… Jane didn't even…"

"Honestly, sometimes I wonder how that daughter of mine became a detective in the first place. She can be so oblivious!" Angela said, throwing her arms up in the air with frustration. "She can't even see what's right in front of her nose!"

"I've tried so hard, Angela." Maura said, shaking her head as if to shake away the tears. "I told myself I would rather hide it than ever risk loosing her again. But it… it just came out and I couldn't take it back… and now… now everything is messed up."

"Don't you see, Maura?" Angela said, grasping the doctor's hands firmly. "She's pushing you away because she's scared. She might not be able to live without you, but she doesn't know how to deal her feelings for you."

Again Maura looked at the older woman in complete astonishment. What Angela was telling her made absolutely no sense to her. Jane had not returned her feelings; she had turned her down.

"No," Maura said shaking her head sorrowfully, "Angela, she doesn't—she told me she didn't feel that way."

"What did she say, Maura, what were her exact words?" Angela prodded eagerly.

Maura looked at her with a furrowed brow, thinking quietly. It had been so long since that night but Maura could remember everything in such vivid detail. She had played that night's events over and over in her mind ever since.

"I do love you" Maura stumbled over the words, her heart aching as she relived the memory once again "…I just… I can't… not in that way."

"Maura!" Angela said, standing up and tossing her arms around the doctor, who had started to sob quietly. "Oh, Maura! Don't you see?"

"See…" Maura said between sobs, trying desperately to calm herself, "…see what?"

Angela stepped back, holding Maura at arm's length and looking carefully into her teary hazel eyes. "If there's one thing you've done for my Janie it's that you've made her honest." Angela explained, sitting on the stool beside Maura and rubbing her arm soothingly until Maura calmed. "She is an amazing person—don't get me wrong—but she's always skirted around the truth. She buried truth in sarcasm and whit. But now …"

Maura frowned at the older woman who was smiling at her admiringly. The doctor blushed, feeling unworthy of the praise that was so evident in the glow of Ma Rizzoli's eyes. Maura really didn't think she had changed Jane at all, no less changed her for the better. If anything, Jane had changed her. She had gotten her out of her shell, given her a family and friends, protected her, been there for her when no one else had.

"Listen…" Angela said quietly, scooting closer to gain Maura's waning attention, "back when Janie was in elementary school—she was maybe eight years old—she had this stuffed bear."

"Really?" Maura said with a small laugh. "I wouldn't have thought that Jane had a stuffed animal."

"Well she did." Angela said with a smile. "But she hid it from everyone. She didn't want anyone ever thinking she was 'girly,' whatever that was about."

"I imagine she was quite the tomboy." Maura said, a loving glint in her eye.

"She was." Angela said with a nod. "But she had this teddy bear, her father won it for her one summer at Coney Island. Well she had this thing for years. It was all worn out and dilapidated but she refused to let me touch it, even wash it."

Maura frowned, turning up her nose. "That is highly unsanitary, something like that could harvest millions of bacteria."

"But you know Janie," Angela said, still smiling, "she's stubborn in her ways. Well anyway, one day the teddy bear went missing. She was maybe nine or ten then. We looked and looked for weeks, but we just couldn't find it. Jane was miserable. She even stopped eating. I was worried out of my mind. I didn't know what to do. Nothing seemed to help."

"Oh dear…" Maura commented, though she listened intently as Angela continued.

"Well one day, nearly two months later it just showed up. She had checked there a dozen times but we ended up finding it in her father's truck, tucked under the back seat." Angela said. "I have never seen a girl look so happy before in all my life."

Maura started to frown. She had been willing to go along with the story for this long, but now she was wondering what the purpose was. She couldn't even take a guess.

"But the next day she hid it away. I didn't see the thing for months. Finally one day I found it in the trash." Angela said.

Maura let out a small gasp, putting a hand to her face. But said nothing.

"So I went to her room and asked her why it was in there. I assumed one of the boys had found it and were playing a mean trick on her. But she looked at me with the most ferocious glare. She said she was getting rid of it.

"When I asked her why she said—and I'll never forget this—'It hurts too much to lose him Ma, so I'd rather not have him at all.'" Angela finished her story wiping the tears from her eyes and looking expectantly up at the doctor.

After a long silence Maura finally responded, "But what does that have to do with what she said to me?"

"Don't you see, Maura?" Angela said, placing a hand on the doctor's arm again. "You're that teddy bear."

"But Jane isn't trying to get rid of me." Maura observed. "At least not anymore."

"No, Maura." Angela said with a shake of her head, "She's already tried that, but she can't. You mean too much to her. She can't live without you, but she doesn't know how to deal with the prospect of ever losing you again. So she's put you at arm's length."

"I wish I knew that for sure…" Maura observed quietly, more to herself than to Angela.

"That's why you need to talk to her." Angela said, gently rubbing Maura's shoulder encouragingly. "Because she's so scared of losing you that she's pushing you away. And you can't let her do that Maura. I've tried so hard to get her to be brave and fight for you, but she won't do anything to compromise your friendship.

"You didn't see her when you guys were fighting. She was a complete mess. You mean so much to her, Maura. She's just so scared. She's scared of what she feels for you." Angela said grasping the doctor's hands desperately.

Maura had texted her several times that day, even left her a voicemail, but Jane did not, could not respond. She stared at the messages with a sorrowful expression, listened to the voicemail over and over, if only to hear Maura's voice once more. But Jane was a coward and did not respond.

Instead she left her apartment that night and headed for the bar. She had been doing that a lot lately, skipping out on plans with friends and family to head to the bar for a few too many drinks. She had gotten into this pattern before, back when she was in vice, before Maura took up all her time and energy. She would go out to the bar, have a few drinks, get hit on by a few guys. Occasionally she even went home with them.

Not now. She was cruising a whole different scene, a scene she never in a million years she would have guessed she'd be doing. Every weekend, and some weeknights, she headed down to the gay bar. She would stride up to the bar, down a few shots and then just people watch for a while as she sipped on a beer.

She never paid anyone much attention, but she got plenty of offers. She was polite and confident and even dared to flirt back after the alcohol set in. But every night she went home alone. A couple times, when the girl was particularly persistent they would follow her outside the bar and she would kiss them, she would run her fingers through their blond hair and make them moan and leave them panting.

It never went much farther than that, and she got cursed and called a 'tease' and a 'bitch' plenty of times. But in the end it never felt right; they never felt right; they never smelled or sounded right. Hard as she tried, she never could think about anything else but how the woman she was holding wasn't what she wanted more than anything. No matter how drunk she got, she couldn't turn them into Maura.

Tonight she was going to do it again. She wished she could stop, but it was like she was addicted to the pain. Going out like this felt like lying, lying to herself, but even worse, lying to Maura. The guilt made her drink, and the drinking made her want Maura even more, but she told herself she couldn't have her, so she looked for her in the strangers at the bar.

Jane was only on her second shot when she received another text from Maura. "I really want to talk to you. Please call me."

Jane laughed quietly. It was just like Maura to text in complete sentences and perfect spelling. She stared at the message for a while. Maybe she should reply. Maura's texts were starting to sound a bit urgent and she really did miss her. It had been nearly three days since they had last talked since there were no open cases.

"Hey there."

Jane turned to see a green-eyed, strawberry blond looking at her suggestively. Jane turned in her stool to look at her. She gave her a confident smile and a perk of her eyebrow.

"Hello." Jane said, feeling the buzz starting to swim over her.

"Can I buy you a drink?" the honey blond said with a beautiful smile.

"Is that how you pick up all the girls?" Jane said, nodding to the bar tender who had just handed her a third shot.

"A bit presumptuous aren't we?" the woman said with a smirk.

"No," Jane said with a laugh, "I just assumed my reputation had caught up with me."

"Really?" the woman responded with mirth, "Quite the lady-killer, then, are you?"

"Maybe." Jane said with a suggestive lift of her eyebrows.

Things with this particular girl had escalated much faster than Jane had anticipated. Maybe it was the extra tequila, or maybe it was the way her body curved just the way it should—just the way Maura's did—but somehow they had ended up at Jane's apartment.

They had been making out the whole taxicab ride over here, and Jenny … or was it Jessica? She was giggling the whole time. At the moment she had her arms around Jane's waist, leaving a slow trail of kisses down the back of her neck and it was making it really hard to concentrate on getting the key in the lock.

"Jenny…" Jane said with frustration as the keys fell to the floor.

"It's Kristen." The woman said, sounding only slightly agitated.

Jane leaned down to pick up the keys, "Sorry. Kristen." She made to stand up but hit her head drunkenly on the door. She winced as she stood up, now facing the drunken woman. She blinked and looked at her with a frown.

"What are we doing?" Jane said quietly, looking down at the woman that was suddenly so foreign to her, so not Maura. A pang of guilt hit her heart. She didn't want to be doing this, the alcohol was doing this, the pain was doing this. She suddenly didn't want any part of it.

Kristen looked at her bewildered, "What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry." Jane said, backing away and shaking her head. "I can't do this."

"Damn." Kristen said, growing angry. "They really weren't lying about you. You are just a fucking tease."

"No, it's not like that." Jane said, suddenly feeling very sober and very stupid.

"Riiight." Kristen said with an agitated look.

"Maura!" Jane said dropping her keys to the floor, her face growing pale.

"I told you, my name is Kristen." The woman said angrily.

Jane pushed past her and sprinted down the hall after the doctor, who had just appeared at the top of the staircase. Her face was pale and a hand was at her mouth in shock. As soon as Jane noticed her, however, she turned and ran down the stairs.

"Wait!" Jane called after her, sprinting the stairs three at a time, the fear sobering her quickly. "Maura, let me explain!"

She caught her just outside the apartment complex, grabbing her by the arm. Maura spun around. Tears stained her face and the sight was like a stab to Jane's heart. She had caused that pain.

"Maura I don't know what you saw up there but please, let me explain!" Jane begged as Maura tried desperately to pull away from Jane's grasp.

"There's no need to explain!" Maura screamed at her. "It's obvious now why you haven't been answering my texts or my calls, why you don't have any time for me any more! You could have at least told me you had a girlfriend!"

"Maura she's not my—god Maura I just met her—nothing happened, it wasn't going to, I couldn't…" Jane's voice fell flat, she thought she could explain, but really none of this made any sense what so ever.

"So you just pick up random women and take them home, then?" Maura yelled, "I thought you said you couldn't have a relationship with a woman?!"

"Maura!" Jane tried desperately, "It's not that—I can't—I can't have a relationship with you."

Maura's eyes went wide. She looked as if Jane had taken a knife and stabbed it right into her heart. Jane knew immediately that she had chosen the wrong words.

"No!" Jane said, trying to stop Maura as she tried to run away. "No, Maura I didn't mean it like that! You don't understand! I love you too much Maura! I can't risk ever losing you! I—I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Apparently you'd sleep with any whore off the street!" Maura screamed. She knew she was being highly irrational, but she had lost control of the logical part of her brain as soon as she saw that woman kissing Jane's neck.

"Maura!" Jane pleaded, tears pouring down her face. "Nothing happened—I couldn't—I don't know what I was doing but I stopped. I'm going to stop. I can't handle this anymore—I can't pretend like I'm not madly in love with you."

"You have a funny way of showing it!" Maura yelled, finally pulling herself from Jane's grasp and backing away.

"Maura I'm so sorry!" Jane said. "I don't deserve it, but please, please forgive me! Please don't leave."

Maura's felt like her heart had shattered into a million pieces. She was filled with so much rage and sorrow and shock she could barely breath. A painful lump was in her throat. She shook her head as tears poured from her eyes.

"I'd rather you'd have just thrown me out in the trash." Maura whispered before she turned and ran off down the street.

"What?" Jane said calling after her. "Maura! Please! I'm sorry."

But Jane was frozen there outside of her apartment and Maura was gone.

To Be Continued

I know you are going to hate me for this chapter, and probably Jane, but trust me… it will all be worth it in the end.