Chapter 3

The next morning, all arose early to the smell of cinnamon as Helen made her famous cinnamon-vanilla oatmeal. They ate breakfast and cleared their dishes. Sam loaded the dishwasher as Teal'c, Daniel, Janet and Cassandra got ready to leave. The four were off before 8:00 am hoping to arrive in Spokane just as the stores opened at 9:00 am.

After the shoppers departed, Jack and Sam got geared up for a trek into the woods. They were hoping to get the tree early so they could get it in the stand and let the snow melt off it in the garage before bringing it in the house. By 9:00 am they were off on the snowmobiles into the 80 or so acres sprawling out behind the Inn.

Jack followed Sam as she was more familiar with the area. Before long they were in a great stand of conifers. They slowed and began to drive around trees, inspecting them from all sides. They bobbed and weaved in and out of trees, finding many that would work. Jack stopped on several occasions to point out a tree to Sam, but each time she rejected the tree for one reason or another. Finally, he threw up his hands and decided to just follow her. She finally found the one she wanted and they stopped.

"Jeez Carter, I didn't think you would ever find one that was up to your standards," said Jack as he pulled him helmet off.

"Well, it has to be a nearly perfect tree because it will go in the window and there is no corner or wall to conceal a flawed side," she replied. "You don't think this will be too tall, do you?"

"Aw, I don't know. I haven't done this in a very long time, but I do remember that these darn things really look smaller out here than they are. You know how I am with trees. You probably should have had Daniel help you with this," Jack replied with a slightly sheepish look on his face.

"I think this one will be just great," Sam said, ignoring Jack's reluctance. "Let's get it cut and ready to haul," she said turning to get the saw from the snowmobile. It didn't take long to fell the tree and it took even less time to secure it for towing back to the Inn.

Sam was putting the saw back on the snowmobile and turning to see if Jack was ready when she got a face full of snow. Momentarily startled, she blinked before she reacted, bending down to scoop up a handful of snow and hurling it at the Colonel, narrowly missing his face as he ducked and scooped more snow. She dodged his next shot and ran, trying to maneuver around him to nail him from behind. The snow war continued on for several more minutes, each dodging a few snow clumps and each getting hit a few times until Jack abruptly stopped at the base of a short down slope and grabbed his left knee. Sam, who was chasing him with another clump of snow, dropped the snow and approached him, placing her hand on his shoulder and asking if he was all right. Just as her hand touched his shoulder, he straightened up, turned and gently tackled her into the slope, bracing himself as he landed so as not to knock the wind out of her. Both began laughing as they landed.

"You faked me out with that one," she said, her eyes flashing with a hint of annoyance.

"Yeah, it was a cheap shot, but whatever works, right?" he asked, raising his brow, a sparkle of mischief evident in his eyes.

"Yeah, whatever works," Sam repeated, as the laughter subsided, and she struggled to slow her breathing. Her breathing was still quite rapid, but she knew it wasn't due to the physical exertion she had just experienced. She was not used to laying beneath her superior officer. He was so close she could feel the heat of his breath on her face. The cold of the snow could not cool the heat she felt rising within her. Jack, too, was breathing rapidly and since their laughter had subsided, the sound of their breath was all that was left. Their eyes locked and time seemed to slow as they gazed at each other.

Finally, Jack spoke, his voice not far above a whisper, "God, I want to kiss you."

Sam closed her eyes for a second as "God, I want that too," escaped from her in a whisper.

Jack rose off Sam rapidly and sat beside her in the snow. "Oh yeah?" he said in his best Minnesotan accent, brows arching, feigning a look of ignorance.

"Wow, did I say that out loud?" Sam exclaimed as she sat up, her brow furrowing.

"Yeah, you did," said Jack, waiting.

"Well, you said it first," Sam countered, sounding a little exasperated.

"Yes, I did," Jack admitted, not sounding the least bit sorry. "I know I agreed to leave any discussions regarding this subject in the room with the Zantac testing machine," he said, "but how often do we get a chance to be alone together, off-duty, miles away from other ears?"

"Not often," Sam replied, staring at the snow that had collected in her lap, suddenly feeling a bit shy. She took a deep breath and slowly lifted her eyes to meet his gaze. She had looked forward to this day and dreaded it at the same time. Both knew they needed to get things out, but both also knew there was only so far this discussion could take them and both knew this discussion could do far more harm than good. She took another deep breath and smiled at him. They had had plenty of discussions since the Zaytar'c testing, but they had carefully avoided their feelings for each other as a topic. Even when they were off world and the only two awake in the middle of the night, they talked about everything but their feelings for each other.

"Yeah, well, since this is my idea, I guess I should start," said Jack. He cleared his throat, suddenly feeling more nervous than he thought he would. He had planned this since he'd had his talk with General Hammond. He knew he needed to talk this out with Sam and hoped there would be an opportunity for just the two of them to spend some time alone during this vacation. When the opportunity to get the tree came up, he felt it was a perfect time to get things out in the open. All had gone well up to this point, but he had never been sure how Sam would react and so his plans had ended here.

"You can stop me at any time you feel uncomfortable," Jack said with a questioning glance. Sam nodded slightly and continued to hold his gaze. "First, let me say, that I would never do anything to jeopardize your career or position."

"I know that, sir." Sam began to interrupt...

"Ahh, ah," Jack said has he held up his hand, cutting her off. "Please, Sam, while we're off duty at least during this little vacation, will you call me Jack?" Sam nodded consent as Jack continued, "And please let me finish before you say anything." Sam nodded again and smiled at his increasing discomfort, trying to ease his nervousness.

"I went to see General Hammond the day you invited me up here," he said, not sure where else to start. He continued on quickly, seeing her suppress a question as her brows furrowed but her eyes remained intent on him, "I went to see him to discuss retiring..."

"What!? No, sir, you can't do that," Sam exclaimed with a shocked and distressed look on her face. Jack quickly stopped her by raising his index finger and giving her the look he often gave Daniel when he was protesting on some mission.

"Ah...that's Jack, remember? And you need to let me finish. I've given a lot of thought to my job and my life, and even more to you," he said, refusing to look away from her, wanting to try and gauge her reactions so he could stop if he felt she was becoming uncomfortable. He was surprised to see her continue gazing at him with rapt attention as though she were hanging on his every word.

"When I came back to the SGC, I had nothing to lose. I had pretty much already lost everything. Then through some miracle, I was given command over Daniel, Teal'c and you...best damn unit I've ever commanded. At first, the responsibility was a bit overwhelming because I didn't know how you all would handle yourselves in the field. It quickly became evident that Teal'c could handle himself anywhere and watch out for all of us at the same time. It was also pretty evident that you could handle yourself. Daniel needed a little more protection at first, but over the years even he has learned to handle himself. So, my primary function on the team has become less important as we have continued to work together." Sam started to protest again, but a gesture from Jack stopped her.

"I'm not saying I don't still contribute; I'm saying the need for me to personally accompany this team off world has diminished as time's gone by. SG-1 would still be a crack unit with another leader, preferably you. I'm losing my point in all of this," he said suddenly as he closed his eyes and rubbed his hand over his brow.

"Let me try this from another angle. I'm in love with you, Sam," Jack said after a pause and a deep breath in and out. Sam's eyes grew wide with surprise, but she remained silent and slowly began to grin. "I'm in love with you and it's the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced. I wake up every morning and I am anxious to come to work because I will be near you. I can't show you how I feel, or even let you know how I feel because it's against the regulations. I could transfer to another unit, but then I would go mad because I wouldn't be able to work with you anymore or watch your six when you go through the 'gate. It's getting to the point where I can't deny or ignore the way I feel about you any more either. So I thought long and hard about what I wanted more. I decided there were plenty of young bucks coming up through the ranks who could continue to go through the 'gate and fight the snake heads. We have survived so many close calls...I don't want to wait until it's too late. I would rather stay planet side as a consultant or retired, if it could mean spending whatever time you have off together. Now, having said all that, I am not trying to put any pressure on you one way or the other," he continued quickly, wanting to make his point before Sam had a chance to digest what he was saying. "If you really do not want to change the way things are, I can continue on. I've been doing it for almost a year. I can keep doing it. I...I guess I just really want to know how you feel about all this and I knew I would never find out unless I told you how I felt."

Sam continued to gaze into his eyes as she took a deep breath. She wanted to be careful how she responded because she could tell how vulnerable Jack felt at that moment and the last thing she wanted was for a misunderstanding to occur. "Sir, I..." she began, but stopped seeing a glare from Jack.

"Jack, I have thought a lot about us as well...and it sounds like we've had similar thoughts," she said, smiling. "I love you too." Her smile became even broader as she saw Jack's eyes brighten and a smile begin to play across his lips. "I do not want things to change, but not because I don't want to be with you. I just can't imagine not working with you. This is truly frustrating. You underestimate your importance to our team and I don't want to go it alone unless I am forced to do so. I have experienced life at the SGC without Colonel Jack O'Neill and without General Hammond and I didn't like it one bit either time. I know there is nothing we can do given our current positions, but I think the only reason we have survived so many close calls is because we have been there together," Sam said, then sighed and shifted, trying to make herself more comfortable as her hind end was starting to feel the cold through the snow gear she was wearing.

"I have really given a lot of thought to my feelings for you. I've wondered if I was only attracted to you because you were off limits...I've wondered if it was simply out of convenience. I mean, with this job, it is difficult to meet other guys and even when you meet them, work is a topic you can't discuss...and work is such a large part of my life that I soon find I have nothing in common with a guy. When it comes right down to it, I could have fallen for Daniel or Teal'c as I spend just as much time with them and they are both quite attractive and desirable men, but I haven't been interested and it's probably because both were attached to others when I met them, but mostly I think it's because they are not you. So, you see, I have concluded that I truly do love you...and knowing that you feel the same about me makes things a little easier...at least in one respect," Sam said, then paused while searching Jack's face to see how he was reacting to her declaration. "I can't bear the thought of you not leading SG-1. Please tell me you didn't retire." Sam pleaded with Jack.

"Well, I didn't yet, anyway. Ole George is a pretty smart guy. He made me sit and talk off the record and I agreed to take these two weeks to seriously evaluate my decision to retire before he would put any paperwork through," said Jack, sounding a little melancholy. "You're probably right about not pursuing this...thing we have right now."

"So General Hammond is aware of how we feel?" Sam asked Jack after a few minutes.

"Well, he's aware of how I feel, but all the things we discussed were strictly off the record. Besides, he already knew how I felt. I think I've been a bit obvious from time to time," he said grinning sheepishly. "He said he's suspected my feelings for you for some time, but that we had never given him cause for concern. He trusts us both to follow the regulations and do what is best for our team."

"Well, I guess that is good to know," she said at last. She reached out with her gloved hand and took a hold of Jack's gloved hand. "We could act on our feelings now," she said, "but we would be forced to do so through secrecy, lies, and deception...or to break up a team that only comes around once in a life time if you're lucky. We are more like a family than a team and we need each other to be there. There are few teams that could make it through all the scrapes we have and the reason we make it is because we are together. We make each other strong and our talents complement each other. So you see, I don't want to break up the team...and I don't think you really want to leave it...at least not yet. You would be so bored to be earth bound...just look at how stir crazy you get when we are on stand-down. As for pursuing our relationship in secret...what I feel for you is far too special to be hidden in shadows. When I am able to love you the way I want to love you, I want to be able to let everyone know. I think we deserve that much."

"I think we do too, which is why I am considering the retirement route."

"I know and I love you for that. I'm just not sure I'm ready to lose you as our leader. You will need to give it some serious consideration over the next two weeks. I will be available whenever we are able to pursue this, so don't rush into anything because you think I won't wait. I will wait...for as long as it takes."

Jack held her gaze for a minute or two. He nodded and began to rise. "We'd better get this tree back and let it dry out in the garage. Besides, I don't know about you, but my ass is getting wet and a soak in the hot tub sounds really good about now."

Sam chuckled and took his offered hand up. "I am wet and cold too. Although I think a shower may be more what I'm after. You want to go into Kellogg for some lunch? There are a few things I wanted to pick up before tomorrow."

"Sure, but how are we gonna get there? Daniel and the gang have the van."

"I'm sure Helen will let us use her car, or perhaps she'll want head to town and will just give us a lift," Sam said, noticing a little reluctance and a hint of disappointment in Jack's voice.

"Well, let's get the tree back and we'll go from there." Sam nodded her consent as they mounted their snowmobiles and headed back to the Inn. Once there, they unloaded their gear and the tree and put the snowmobiles away. They put the tree into the stand and left it standing in the garage. They did all this in relative silence. Sam tried to watch Jack without being noticed, but it was an impossible task as he was trying to do the same. Their eyes met on several occasions, but neither felt the need to say anything.

Before long, they went inside, shed their snow gear hanging it up to dry on one of the many hooks lining the walls of the laundry area and headed straight for the kitchen. Helen looked up from the cookies she was baking to greet the two of them with a broad grin. "So, you found a tree?" she asked.

"Yep, it's standin' out in the garage warming up, which is just what I need to do," said Jack as he excused himself and went up the stairs to his room.

"Don't use all the hot water," Sam yelled after him and he responded by raising his hand and gesturing OK, but he continued on his way without turning or slowing.

"Did you have a nice time?" Helen asked Sam as she noticed the slight furrow on Sam's brow and the fact that Sam had continued looking in the direction the Colonel had gone even after he had disappeared from view.

"What?" Sam asked as she heard sound, but had not listened to what was said.

"I said, did you have a nice time?" Helen repeated as Sam finally looked at Helen and smiled.

"Yes, I think we found a great tree. I can't wait to decorate it this evening," Sam said, trying to put her concern for the Colonel's mood on the back burner for the moment.

"Well, it took you long enough," Helen chuckled. "Did you inspect every tree in the forest?"

"Noooo, what time is it?" Sam asked, suddenly curious about how long they had been gone.

"It's a little after one. You two must be hungry," Helen said as she noticed the shocked expression on Sam's face. "You both look like popsicles. You should head up and get a shower too."

"Yeah," Sam replied sounding little distracted, "I'll go do that now." She began walking to the stairwell, still lost in thought when she suddenly turned and said, "Helen, I was hoping I could take a run into town and grab a few things this afternoon...wrapping paper, a few stocking stuffers, that sort of thing. Would you mind if I took your car? I saw you put all the packages I had sent up in the loft...thanks."

"Sure, you can take the Subaru in", said Helen. "I need to finish with the cookies so we can decorate them tomorrow. Could you please pick up some plastic wrap for me? I am hoping to make up a few goody plates for the neighbors and I'm sure I'll run out of plastic wrap".

"Great...if there's anything else you need, just make a list and I'll pick it up," Sam said with a smile as she turned to head up the stairs for her shower.