A/N: For Ashes Mercy Tatum. I hope you enjoy it, thank you for your patience with me finally writing this. :)

I could lose my vision, my eyes no longer see; I could lose my religion, in my struggle to believe. Lost without a prayer, somewhere way out there, my soul would turn to dust. Heaven help me, if I ever lose your love...

Heaven Help Me

I stirred before Susannah did. I didn't open my eyes and move straight away. I just slowly let my senses come to me, listening to Susannah's deep warm breathes stirring against the open planes of my skin where my shirt had fallen loose during the night. For a moment I almost thought I was still dreaming full of wishful thinking that I would wake and find Susannah next to me. And a small part of me stayed with my eyes closed, scared she would only be an illusion of my mind sent to teach me more harsh lessons I was getting tired of.

So for a while, I stayed laying with Susannah letting the remnants of the night before seep back to me and remind me all over again, she might not be here for long. She may have been weaker than normal the night before. But I know it won't last if Susannah is determined enough. She's as stubborn as I am. And she was serious about us. About the love and about the pain we seemed to have found ourselves trapped in somehow. The ringing sounds of her shouts were still ringing in my ears, shaking me to consciousness of everything we had been putting ourselves through.

"Jesse,"

Susannah's soft sigh, still sound asleep as she snuggled closer to me finally snapped my eyes open to look down at her mussed hair and small smile. And one of my own broke out onto my face. She wasn't awake. She was still deep asleep in fact. This only made my smile waver in those few seconds it took to sink in what that meant. Her one sigh of my name was enough to remind me that she does still want me as much as I want - no need Susannah. Just having her gone in two short weeks was enough to make me realize some things I neglected to acknowledge before.

That I need the dysfunctional relationship we have so much it hurts.

I let my eyes wander down her relaxed form where she was burrowed against me. Our legs tangled together where she had turned over during the night both sub-consciously seeking each other out. I know that some very important things have to chance. Some of my flaws have to be sealed over. Our behaviour and rut we've found we carried on too easily needs to be broken and thrown away. I just can't see if that's going to be enough to save us. One night where I had to almost force myself to talk to Susannah isn't enough.

Not for her.

I lifted a hand and softly stroked it down Susannah's mussed hair, enjoying the feel of it running through my fingers. I could have laid there forever just watching her sleep. Where I can stop the charade I show to the world and be the way I am when I'm only around Susannah. I want to hear her say my name while she sleeps beside me. I want to wake first in the mornings and be able to be thankful for the love lying there. I'm tired of the constant fights and bickering. I'm tired of the distrust that has no place being between us when it's unwarranted.

But most of all; I'm tired of never feeling solid with Susannah. No matter how much I hear, know and feel how much she loves me, I need more. Susannah deserves more from me to prove that I was serious about us. That I would rather die a thousand deaths than never hear Susannah breathe my name the way she did. And that was the biggest shock of all; realizing what needs to be done.

Slowly pulling away from her I got myself free and eased off the bed, trying not to disturb her from her sleep. I walked across the room and entered the bathroom, quietly closing the door behind me. I shot my dishevelled appearance a glance before doing what I needed to. Brushing my teeth and rinsing off my face. Anything to stall looking at myself and seeing the truth staring back at me in blind reality. I scrubbed my face with a towel and looked up. Seeing the stained shirt and the messy hair.

The guy that has been hanging on by a thread so close to snapping, yet with so far to go.

I shook my head of my thoughts; knowing it's too early for them. That was my excuse. And therein was another problem. My excuses. One after the other. The excuses that prevented me from saying what I should have said. That stopped me from being what the relationship sorely needs. They were just lousy reasons to cover up so much it almost became routine. How and where did it become so complicated?

I just don't know anymore.

I threw the towel onto the edge of the bath and quietly walked back into the bedroom, climbing back onto our bed and to Susannah. She came back to me without waking. Just fit back to my side like I had never moved. Like she had never left. One thing was abundantly clear as I waited for her; I can never let Susannah go again. Just the mere thought of the pain and disconnection I would feel had me pulling her marginally closer to erase the fear.

That was when Susannah started to stir. Her hand that was wrapped around my waist coming up to rub at her eyes. I gently brushed aside the hair in her face, eliciting a small smile in return. Slowly she opened her eyes and looked up at me. Her gaze clear and unguarded at first. Until the previous nights events started to seep through, much like they had with me, and her eyes darkened and dropped from my own.

I tried not to sigh with annoyance at myself when she looked down to stare at the stain on my shirt. Anywhere but directly at me.

"How did you get this?" She asked quietly.

Her finger traced around the edges of the watery mark. Long since dried and probably making the shirt unsalvageable. Not that I particularly cared about a shirt when I had other issues more important. But I knew it wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it would. No matter how much I had some small slithering of hope. There was going to be a lot of soul bearing on my part.

And it was going to be painful.

I cleared my throat and went back to fingering the ends of her hair. "Some idiot spilled there drink down me last night at the club. He was too drunk to know what he was doing." Not that it stopped me from going up against him so caught in my blind fury with myself. "How long were you here for before I came home?" I asked, stalling for time so she wouldn't realize anything much had really changed overnight.

Susannah is the first and last person who will ever make me beg and change who I am. I would and could never do it for anyone else. Just like I have never loved or known you could love a person as much as I do Susannah. With a level of bitterness and resentment we feel towards each other for the things we have changed and suppressed in us both always there running beneath it.

"Not long. I wasn't expecting you home yet. If at all," She murmured quietly, pulling away to untangle our legs and fall onto her back; looking up at the ceiling.

"What am I doing here, Jesse?" She asked, shaking her head slightly in bewilderment. "Why did I let you sweet-talk me again when we both know it's just going to end up a disaster?" I furrowed my brows when she turned her head to glance at me once before looking back to the ceiling. "I wanted to hear what you said so badly last night. It's all I've wanted to hear for too long. And it hurt, right here – " She rubbed over her heart where my own pain was still aching from the night before. " – when you finally said it."

"But are things going to change now? Does one-night making up for years of nothing?" She asked, before sighing dejectedly. "I just don't know anymore."

"It's never been nothing, querida," I answered determinedly, reaching out to take her hand. Even as my head called for me to accept it and go back to the way I was before. Take the open door and use it. Go back to living a bachelor life where I have no cares and no-one to consider besides myself. And the one thing holding me steadfastly in place beside Susannah was that I didn't want to go back to that. Not after experiencing what I could have.

No matter how much it seems as though it's never going to work.

"I know – " I stopped and cleared my throat again, warring with myself to speak and say what I thought and felt for once. No more brushing it off and pretending that I was un-phased. I owed Susannah far more than that. "I know it's not always been easy. There are a lot of things we – I could have done differently and didn't. But it wasn't for nothing," I punctuated it by gripping her hand tight, her eyes watching me. "It will never be for nothing, Susannah. We've lost and gained too much for that."

"Sometimes that's just not enough, Jesse."

She let go of my hand and sat up to get off the bed. I stayed where I was, watching her as she walked across to our bathroom quietly closing the door behind her. For a few seconds I just closed my eyes and took a deep breath trying to keep my anger in check. Not just with myself, but with Susannah too. How it felt as though she was shooting everything I'd just said down in flames. Somewhere deep in my mind I recognized she had every right too. Just like I had every right to be angry. I was taking fault for a lot of things. Most I should be for.

But some that Susannah should accept too.

I sat up myself, one leg dangling off the side of the bed while I waited for her to come out of the bathroom. Eventually she did, her hair back in place and her face flushed looking brighter more awake than before. She stayed standing at the door just watching me watching her. Neither made a move and neither of us said anything. I knew what I wanted to say. What I wanted to do. Until finally I said it, my eyes fixed and shocking her.

"Do you not think I don't want to go back to the lifestyle I had before I met you Susannah? Back to the life I resent you for taking away from me?"

Her eyes flashed and she bit down on her lower lip, keeping back whatever her angry retort was. It occurred to me I was falling back into an old habit of confrontation with her. Picking an argument. But my question was pitched just as that. A question, not an angry flare of accusation that she had taken it for. Seconds before she took me in properly, noticing my casual tone and heavy shoulders I was trying not to let drag me down.

"The life you resent me for taking away?" She asked caustically, walking over to stand by the bed again.

"What about the things I was expecting but have never had, Jesse? All the things I wanted, was hoping I would get but never have? There's such a thing as free-will, you could have walked away when-ever you wanted. Just like I could but was too foolish not to do. Because somewhere in there, I still held out that you would show more of the man I fell in love with, instead of the man you've become."

"The man I've become because of you, you mean?" I retorted, getting up from the bed to walk over to our closet and throwing open the doors, pulling my shirt over my head and tossing it to the floor. "Whether you can see it or not, Susannah, I am that man you held out I would be. And that's my problem. It's that side of me I hate for taking over the way it has. The side that has made me try and push you away only to pull you closer at the same time."

I turned around to look at Susannah, locking eyes with her. Realizing even as I said what I had been keeping locked down for too long, that it was the truth.

"Why have you always seen that part of yourself as a weakness?" She questioned quietly, sitting down on the bed, the fight gone from her. Her eyes skimming down the naked parts of my body. I turned away from that look, closing my eyes and clenching my jaws against the desire flaring to life from her glance I'd gone too long without. "I don't understand it, Jesse. It's a strength and probably one of few things that has kept us going for so long. Why do you keep trying to deny that?"

I opened my eyes and reached out for a black tank shirt on a hanger in front of me, roughly pulling it on before I leaned forward to rest my hands on the doorframe, bowing my head at her question.

I went to speak but found the words caught in my throat. I tense when I heard her sigh, obviously expecting me to give in and ignore it like I would have done before. But that was then. And this is now. When I'm faced with the prospect of turning around again and finding her not there. Where the fight is gone and the fire has dimmed from my suppressed emotions. I don't want to see that fire go out in her eyes.

I don't want to feel it die between us.

I took a deep breath and spoke so low I wouldn't have been surprised if she couldn't hear me. "Because I never knew weakness before you, querida,"

It felt as though the words were being wrenched from the deepest parts of my soul clawing there way out. Determined and stubbornly refusing to admitting to something I have never openly expressed before. Never as a child when I was afraid of the closet monster. As a freshman going off to college. And never as a man facing the fear of a love withering and walking away, never coming back.

Because where that fear came from that my words were pulled from, was where I shoved all the things I would never admit. Not to anyone and not for anyone. Susannah is the only person who could make me do a lot of things. Least of all this. And she is the only thing that was making me say it now with a bitter taste to my mouth at the possibilities of the pain and wounds that could come of it if I didn't.

And then that weakness would only grow worse and never heal or have protection that Susannah could give.

She was silent, allowing me to push myself forward, saying more. "Everything about you makes me feel weak and vulnerable. Because no matter what you say to me, good or bad, it makes me feel . . . It always seems like I can do anything. And sooner or later that addiction won't have a cure anymore." I pulled myself up and scrubbed a hand down my face wearily. Stepping away from the closet I turned back to Susannah.

She nodded slowly, taking in what I had just said.

"The only reason you won't have that cure is if you keep pushing me away, Jesse. There's only so much I can take, no matter how much it's breaking my heart to think about leaving and not looking back." She dropped her head as her voice caught, running a hand through her loose hair and letting it slip through her fingers to cascade back down around her shoulders. "You're not the only one who wants things back from the past without letting this go. But I can't see any other way."

Only I could.

And I had to get past all the old habits and thoughts racing through my mind at the prospect. And I was tired of listening to them! I pushed away from the closet doors and dropped to Susannah's feet, crouching before her and taking her hands in mine. She looked startled at my sudden reaction. I would have been lying if I didn't say I wasn't startled and frightened myself and I tried to keep my hands from shaking where I held hers. But I kept my gaze from slipping. I dredged up every ounce of confidence I have and pushed it forward.

"Let's get married then." I said meaningfully.

Her eyes went wide and surprised before she snorted and gave me a skewed expression. "Be serious, Jesse. You and marriage, they just don't go. That was one thing I didn't expect from you when it was clear I was falling for you. Being in a relationship is one thing; you can walk away with no ties no extra baggage. Marriage in the real world isn't like that Jesse. This isn't a fairytale, trust me I know."

She tried to pull her hands free but I wouldn't let her, which drew her back to staring at me bewildered again.

"I am being serious, querida," I smiled, gaining confidence the more she dismissed the idea. I was looked up to for my confidence and ability to sweet-talk my way in and out of any moment. Only this time it meant so, so much more. And I was determined to prove that to Susannah. "Do what you didn't expect, make an honest man out of me. Take away the only thing that is making me want to hold on to the past; the ability to walk away. Stop me from holding onto something I can't have and help me build the life we can have together."

"Jesse . . . This doesn't sound like you at all – "

"Susannah, I haven't been me since you walked out of that door two weeks ago!" I exclaimed laughing shakily dropping a hand to trace it down her cheek tenderly. "I know things between us need to change. And I want to do that. I'm not asking you as a means to an end. I'm not doing it and planning on going back to the way things were before. I know that's what you're most afraid of and I'm sorry I put that fear there," I solemnly continued, watching her downcast her eyes telling me I was right. "But I want this. It's you Susannah or no-one."

She leant forward to rest her head to mine, looking down at me. "Jesse, I don't think getting married is the answer. There are things I want to do with my life still. I want to go travelling and see the world! I want to do all the things I've dreamed of. And one-day - I want a family, Jesse. Children with someone who wants them too! Are you really telling me you want all those things?"

"If they make you happy, then yes," I answered unhindered, making Susannah sigh and pull away again.

"Susannah I'm not saying these things to pacify you! I'm stubborn enough to tell you what I do and don't want, you know that. If I didn't want these things with you, I would tell you. We can go travelling together to see and do all things you want to do. They're your dreams I took away from you over the years. And I'm prepared to make up for them now, if you'll let me. And children . . . Querida I'll be honest, I never wanted children. They never even entered my mind.

Not until I started imagining my life with you."

"I can't believe this," She said, shaking her head and laughing a little shocked and over-whelmed. "It takes the threat of me walking out the door after years of passion and pain for you to finally admit all this to me. What seems wrong with that picture, Jesse?"

And she was right of course. I already knew this.

"Susannah if I apologized every-day for the next few years it probably wouldn't be enough. I know that. But, I'm only human. I'm flawed and I always have been; even from the start. I've made more than enough mistakes in the past and you and I both know this relationship worked both ways with its deterioration. I will take the blame for my part, if you can take the blame for yours. And we move on together. Put it behind us and forget about it,"

I ran my thumb over her lips, my eyes expressive and open to anything that she would give me. Good or bad, I had nothing else to lose anymore. "I'd be stupid not to know this isn't all going to change straight away, but I'm willing to try. For the sake of my sanity, Susannah, I am willing to make us work if you are."

She looked at me for endless seconds, capturing my hand as it fell back to her lap. Tears sparkled in her eyes where she had been trying to hold them back the whole time I spilled my soul at her feet. Where I laid myself bare and allowed her to do what I had done to us both in the past and hurt us more. The rest was upon Susannah. I had never spoken and said all the things I said to her before. Never gave them time to make a full thought. And part of me felt invigorated and lighter for it.

While the rest laid heavily on what she would do.

"I know you're not all to blame Jesse. I could have stopped it near the beginning and walked away before we got this far. But I never could. Just like I can't sit here and not love you even more for what you just said. Everything it feels like I've been waiting forever for," She whispered, leaning forward to brush her lips across mine fleetingly. "But I can't give you a definite answer yet. We need to decide if this is definitely something we want. I'm not going to rush into it."

I nodded, a huge sense of relief flooding over me. That she wasn't walking away, but she wasn't making the decision lightly either.

"I can wait, querida," I said, getting up to my feet and bringing Susannah up to hers. "I'll wait for you for as long as it takes."

Susannah stepped forward, wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me with as much fervour, passion and relief as I was feeling, happily returning it in kind. Two weeks of not being able to touch or feel Susannah had driven me half mad. And having her back in my arms where I never planned on letting her get away again, it felt right. Everything about the way I spent the every moment cherishing and becoming familiar with Susannah all over again, had never felt more right then it had then.

I never wanted something to work as much as I did between Susannah and myself. I can never lose her. I can never live without her. And I told and showed her as much in every way I could for as long as I could. Never taking Susannah or us for granted again.

I've traded my innocence, for the secrets of the night, felt my calloused conscience, lose its grip on wrong and right. So hold me close again, tell me it won't end, and that will be enough. Heaven help me, if I ever lose your love...