AN: Warning, one quote of biblical stuff. Atheists and non-Christians have been warned, do not flame me about quoting the bible. Christians, do not flame me for probably botching up quoting the bible.
I don't own Harry Potter, the songs that come up in this chapter, nor Mickey Mouse. Trust me, if I did own anything at all, you guys would be the first to know.
-Crow
Minerva McGonagall looked over the sea of unfamiliar students. She didn't know any of them, so she just used her instincts to pick out their personalities. The platinum blonde at Slytherin was probably a mommy's boy while screaming for daddy whenever times got tough. Anyone else in Slytherin looked like a gorilla managed to get into their "pureblood breeding program". In her day, 90% of Slytherins still looked relatively human and attractive and had enough wits in their heads to pull off a decent prank when asked. So much for that "Slytherin cunning" for her plans. The Hufflepuffs were their usual self; loyal and trustworthy. She respected that, but it was useless when dealing with pranksters. Ravenclaws were too wrapped up in their books to be any real use besides occasional research buddies.
That left her beautiful, wonderful, rambunctious House of Lions.
She let her eyes wander over her old table. She saw dots of bright red hair scattered throughout the years. She remembered this one guy back in her years at Hogwarts… what was his name? Wendell? Wess? Wesley? Wensleydale?
She quickly focused back at the task at hand. The firsties, second-years, and third-years were pretty much out in terms of any meaningful conversation. The seventh years were dominated by one of the red-headed Wensleydales whose nose was so high up in the air with "authority", she was surprised birds didn't clip it while in mid-flight.
Seeing the comfortable medium between fourth and sixth years, she spotted two more dots of red.
Twins! That sounds promising.
Zoning in on them, she grinned as she picked out the keystone features.
Impish smiles. Check.
Teachers casting wary gazes on occasion. Check.
Secret twin-communication. Check.
Eyes glittering while analyzing the crap out of anything that could/would/should become a prank.
Double Check!
Confident in her decision, she strode over to the table to sit right down next to them. Out of curiosity, she glanced up at the head table.
Seeing Professor Dumbledore's face whiter than a vampire mean she'd chosen well. She didn't see what he mumbled out, but could tell he would probably be drinking some of his secret stash of Muggle Irish whiskey tonight.
She looked back down at the table around her. The students were staring at her unashamedly and she silently raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.
"Hey." She turned to find both of the twins looking directly at her. "What was up with all that 'Mistress of Mischief' stuff?"
"What does it sound like? I'm the greatest prankster to have ever walked the halls of Hogwarts."
The twins looked at each other in sync. Yep, definitely a twin-link. Minerva grinned. Always useful.
"That's debatable." One started.
"There were the Marauders of Hogwarts-" The other began.
"And then there're Lee Jordan and ourselves."
"I'd say we could put that title-"
"In jeopardy."
"Even then,-"
"If you were the greatest-"
"How come we've never heard of you?" They finished the last phrase in sync.
"They kept records of all of my pranks, but had to keep them hidden. Too many students tried to repeat them when my records weren't under lock and key." She replied smugly.
The twins shared looks of disbelief, coupled with a glint of mischief. "I highly doubt that, miss."
She knew where this was heading, but wanted it no other way. "Oh, what-ever do ya mean?" She simpered with an aura of false innocence.
"We bet you-"
"That we could easily prove to you-"
"That in all the years you've been gone-"
"The noble and ancient art of pranking-"
"Has really upped the ante." They finished in sync.
"Oh? And what did ye have in mind?" She asked, grinning like the cat that got the canary.
"A good old-fashioned prank war." They replied in sync. Around them, the table got deathly quiet. The clock tower tolled ominously.
"I accept." She replied.
The twins shared a smug look. "Although-"
"Really-"
"Honestly-"
"Truly-"
"We feel a bit reserved-"
"After all, it's only two to one-"
"And that one-"
"Is a girl." They finished together.
"Oh, trust me, lads, this lass be just fine on my own. When does it start?"
"We'll start now, if you want."
"Of course, you did go here years ago-"
"So we won't go full force-"
"Grandma." The two knew they scored when her eyebrow twitched, breaking her previously undefeated smirk. They'd never have gotten away with that with Professor McGonagall, but with Minnie McGonagall…
They watched as the attractive young woman stood up and made her way through a silent great hall. The entire school stopped talking as they listened to the exchange and began planning on ways to barricade doors.
The twins smirked as they watched her leave. They turned to each other to congratulate themselves-
They looked up at each other's once-fiery red hair to find it salmon pink. They looked down and found their small part of the feast on their plates had been replaced with maggot-infested potatoes. Dumbstruck, they tried to get up from the bench, only to find their entire section of bench moved along with them, now temporarily stuck to their rumps.
Off-balanced by the weight of the bench, they toppled over onto themselves, sending food, drink, and a few maggots scattered onto them. Groaning, they turned to see the red-headed devil leaning against the door frame.
Her chuckle chilled even Professor Snape. "Ya know, my da's a minister for the church. I never paid much attention to his sermons, but one quote really stuck out ya know?"
She turned around and walked as she quoted, slowly dragging the door behind with her.
"I looked, and behold, there was a pale horse and the rider's name was Death, and Hell followed in her wake."
The doors closed with small *bang* that echoed in the silent hall.
Dumbledore shivered as he felt the Elder wand twitch.
That evening, Minerva went to the Gryffindor common room to find a new bed placed in the girl's common room. She approached it and smirked as she raised the bed sheets to find a large collection of wiggling worms underneath.
She waved her wand over them and vanished them with a specific location in mind. Satisfied, she scourgified any residue left over and snuggled in as she listened to the wonderful lullaby of two redheaded twins finding out where she vanished their "gift".
Breakfast was abuzz with nervous excitement. Minnie walked in that morning with a bottle of shampoo and an easy-going grin. She approached the twins before squirting the hair product onto both of their heads. They were too stunned to do anything save look at her.
"While admirable that ye'd try to get revenge for your pink hair, it's never wise to meddle with a lass's hair." She swaggered out the Great Hall after snatching up an apple. "Oh, and for the time being Transfiguration class is cancelled until I can get myself situated."
The cheers of a few students were almost completely drowned out by the shrieks of the twins as they wiped away the shampoo to find their hair had left as well.
Dinner that evening was tense. So far, the twins had been hit with every jinx and hex known to the student population, along with a few others that had gone out of fashion that students didn't know about. What made matters worse, every time they were hit, they couldn't pin it on Minerva. No one knew how she managed to hit them with a Jelly Legs Jinx when she was seen walking around the library on the opposite side of school at the same time.
One hex grew hair at an alarming rate, so their lovely red-headed locks were back before lunch… only about 9 feet longer than usual.
Fred and George were hunched over their food, paranoid that it might be poisoned. They even stole Scabbers earlier that day to test a few scraps on.
They turned to each other and opened the Weasley Wireless.
How do you think she does it, Fred?
No clue, George. All I know is that she's pranked us more in the past 24 hours than we've pranked anyone all year.
Well, it is autumn, dear brother. The year is still young.
George, be serious for a moment! I know it's against our code, but I honestly think we're a bit out of our league here!
Fred, she's a girl! She'll fall for those shrinking hexes we managed to put in her panties. Remember, we timed them for about now. Just watch, any second now, she'll be screaming because her underpants aren't going to fit a doll anymore.
Fred, albeit reluctantly, turned to look directly into the devious smile of Minerva McGonagall.
He really didn't like that smile.
And why were his underpants getting so uncomfortable.
"AAAUUUUUGHHHHHH! MY MANHOOD!"
Minnie snickered as several people kept getting the wrong impression as both Fred and George started rolling around, clutching their crotch, and screaming in higher and higher octaves as their own shrinking undergarments practically crushed their-
"Minerva?"
She looked up from the display to see Professor Dumbledore eying her. Over the years, she'd managed to gain immunity to the I'm-really-disappointed-in-you-right-now Grandfather thing he had going on.
"Yes Professor?"
"I really must ask you not to cause such… inappropriate spectacles. Especially the kind that can cause rather… permanent damage." He said slowly.
She looked up innocently. "Well, Professor, it seemed only fair since they were originally going to do it to me before I swapped the curse."
Dumbledore sighed. She had a point. "Very well, could you at least try to cause such spectacles in other locations? We do need to keep this rated Teen, especially for the first years."
"'Rated Teen', sir?"
"Ah, never mind. It's a muggle saying these days."
Minnie rolled her eyes before looking innocently back at her old Professor. "Very well, sir. I won't cause their lineage to end prematurely."
She got up and walked away calmly, briefly hopping over the prone and whimpering figures lying on the floor.
That night, the twins stayed up, speaking in hushed, high-pitched voices. Madame Pomfrey had asked they visit the hospital wing to fix any… "damages" that may have occurred (which were thankfully none), but they were still going to be speaking in disturbingly high-pitched voices for the rest of the night.
Already several muggleborn students asked them to say "Oh boy!", "Hello, everybody!" and "I'm Mickey Mouse." They were completely confused about whom exactly Mickey Mouse was, why the muggleborns were laughing, and whey they kept saying they both sounded exactly like the guy.
They'd argued back and forth about ways to get back at her, finally deciding to just cart her bed off to the lake tomorrow morning before everyone else woke up. The plan set, they pulled out a muggle alarm clock their dad gave them (the one thing that worked and wasn't enchanted from their dad's shed) and went to sleep.
CH-RRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-
*chk*
Fred opened his eyes as he felt his arm hit the stupid clapper on the alarm bell. He could hear his brother George yawning a few feet over.
It really was a shame they had to get up so early to prank McGonagall. He was having a pretty nice dream. They were on a boat in the sea and the waves were gently rocking them above the wa-
*SPLASH*
Fred turned his bleary, unfocused eyes in the direction of George's bed and heard coughing and sputtering. "Georgie? Whass goin' ooo-aaAAAAUUUGH!"
*SPLASH*
Wide awake, Fred scrambled to tread water as he looked around where they were. He quickly analyzed the situation.
George and he floating on water.
Their respective beds also floating on water.
The fact that there was water.
The fact that the castle was looming behind them in the glorious morning sun.
"DAAAMMMIIIIIT!"
"Ah, music to my ears." Minerva crowed, biting into a pear.
Neville was still confused. "What do you mean? And what was that scream?"
"Just a wee mornin' wake-up call I diverted, nothin' ta worry yourself with, laddie."
She left a confused bunch of Gryffindors as she sauntered out of the Great Hall moments before two irate, wet, redheaded twins burst in.
"George, I'm really starting to think we should stop while we're ahead."
"I know Freddie, but I'm not going to give up solely because McGonagall thinks she's got the better of us. We'll get something on her yet." He promised.
"Yeah, but the waltzing curse in the corridors, tickling jinxes, the laxatives in the food! How the Hell did she even get muggle laxatives?!"
"Ugh, don't remind me." He said clutching his stomach.
"And now, I heard she was asking around the muggleborns for some ideas of a certain kind of song. I don't even know who "Tiny Tim" is?!"
"Isn't he from one of those muggle books?"
"Yeah, but he's not a musician."
"Well, what's the worst that coul-"
"NO."
"What?"
"Don't finish that."
"Oh, you mean-"
"No."
"I'm gonna do it."
"Don't you dare!"
"What's the worst that could happen." George said, splaying his arms out. Fred cowered behind a nearby statue, expecting the lightning bolt of the Universe to come crashing down upon his dear brother.
His curse of the Universe was supported as a small, quick owl dove in, dropped something and took off. Fred had, at one point, looked into some Muggle History books and found that the maneuver was disturbingly reminiscent to a certain flight pattern an American muggle airplane pilot was taught in order to deliver something called a "nuke" on Hiroshima and "get the Hell out of Dodge" as the Americans put it. He didn't look into what a "nuke" was, but it didn't seem friendly.
His eyes wandered over to the small item the owl dropped.
It was a very familiar item.
And George knew it too.
His dear twin was running in the opposite direction by the time the Howler message started burning at the edges and floating after him.
George got to the next corridor, but Fred could still here the magically amplified voice singing an unusual falsetto accompanied by some oddly jovial music.
"Things that bother you, never bother me, I fell happy and fine! Haha! Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight, having a wonderful time!"
He was incredibly grateful to have avoided that one and didn't notice the second owl until it had already delivered its small, red envelope.
"I'm Henry the eighth, I am. Henry the eighth I am, I am."
By dinner, their howlers stopped their obnoxious songs. George's actually ran out sometime around 3 o' clock, but another Howler was promptly delivered with every verse of "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall".
The two walked into the Great Hall, thoroughly exhausted.
They sat down at the table and took one sip of their pumpkin juice, too tired to care about what it was spiked with. In a quick *pop*, they sighed and looked at each other to see the effects.
"AAAUUUUGHHHH! MY MANHOOD!"
Minerva McGonagall swaggered up to the pair. "Ya know, I was thinkin' the other day. You two were right! Two boys against one girl was unfair. So I evened it out. One girl vs. two freshly-made-girls." She sniggered.
The twins only stared at the other gaping at how much they looked like an older version of their younger sister Ginny. They turned to see Minnie smirking. "Oh, I could leave the curse on ye for a good month or so, just to give ye an idea what fresh Hell we natural-girls get for a week once a month, but I'm feelin' generous. So, do ye give up?"
They shared one look before saying in sync.
"We surrender."
And so, Hogwarts annals took note that at 6:08 on the second Tuesday of October of 1993, the Weasley Twins acknowledged their relinquishing of the titles "Prankmasters of Hogwarts" to the new (and old) "Prankmistress of Hogwarts Minerva McGonagall".
Minerva McGonagall crept around the halls of Hogwarts to her empty dorm. Making sure the place was empty she called out. "Mipsy, Flopsy, Mopsy!"
Three *pops* answered her calls
She smiled back at her mischievous helpers. "I wanted to thank ya again for all of yer help."
"It was nothing, Miss McGonagall. Mipsy enjoyed it. Those rude twins always leave messes for us to clean, they do." The others nodded in consent. While most house elves liked Fred and George for visiting the kitchens directly, those were the cooking ones. The cleaning ones were the ones who had to take care of the confetti, the splotches, the messes, and the magic their pranks left behind on the floors, walls, and (sometimes) ceilings of Hogwarts.
Minnie curtseyed her thanks to the house elves once more before they popped back to their jobs.
That weekend Minnie took the two twins (thankfully re-acquainted with their Y-chromosomes) to a secluded section of the library.
George eyed his brother before turning a wary look at the girl who called them here. "Okay. The prank war is over, you know. Is this another trick?"
Minnie smiled genuinely. "No. To be honest, I've looked into ye two from the others. Ya've got spunk I'll give ya that and yer good at what ya do. So, as a reward for putting up with my pranks for the past week, I've decided to make ya my followers."
Fred faltered. "W-what exactly do you mean?" Visions of a new faction of brightly-colored death-eater-like costumes dedicated to pranking Britain and the Dark Lord filled his head.
"Nothin' much. I'm just goin' ta give ya some of my old stuff." She grinned before pulling a dusty book in the very corner of the room. The twins gaped as the bookshelf swung on its edge to reveal a dusty hidden passageway.
"B-b-but that's not even on the Map!" George sputtered.
"Map? What map?"
George mumbled evasively, but Minnie's scrutinizing gaze promised she'd weedle it out of them later. She lit her wand tip and led them down, casting a cleaning charm to brush away the cobwebs every few feet.
After a while, they arrived at a disused potions laboratory. A few dusty cauldrons were stacked in the corner. Some experimental runes were still on the chalkboard and a few ingredients in stasis were lined up on the shelves.
"Ah, good. It's still all here. I was worried my older self had gotten the place cleared out." She lit the torches with a quick incendio before walking around.
The twins drank in a few loose leaflets lying around. "W-what is this place." Fred asked awestruck. The potions notes were precise, accurate, ingenious. A true work of art!
"My own personal laboratory." She replied happily. "I found it in my first year and cleaned it up. After that, it was child's play to ask some house elves to get me some spare cauldrons and desks from disused rooms. No one's found out since."
"Wait… house elves… HOUSE ELVES! Of course! Those pranks were helped by the house elves!"
She grinned evasively. "Well, not all of them. The pink hair, maggots, and glued rumps was purely me. The rest, I just had a little help. Ye'd be amazed how people think ye can't apparate in Hogwarts. Just ask an elf if yer on good terms with them and they'll let you silently pop over to wherever you want to go, cast a few jinxes and yer out before the beam even hit."
Fred and George looked at each other in awe. "GENIOUS!"
She smiled. "I thought ye'd say that. That's why I want to show you these."
She walked over to a wall and pressed against the edge of one of the bricks. The opposite edge popped out and she wiggled the brick out revealing the hollow interior. She reverently reached in and pulled out seven dusty journals. She placed each one down on a book stand and stood back as the twins examined them.
By the end of the first chapter of the first journal, the twins were enraptured. These were pranks beyond dreams. Mischief beyond the Marauders. Loopholes to every rule in the book and every possible rule that may be formed afterwards.
They practically salivated at a detailed map of Hogwarts without the person-location charms, but scrutinizing detail and more secret passageways and hidden rooms, doors, and hallways than the Marauders could have ever found.
"Yeh, think that's impressive?" They nodded enthusiastically. "That was week one of my first year here."
The twins visibly trembled at the prospect of the other six books. Each more complex and complete than the last.
They got down on their knees and began bowing. "We are not worthy, oh mighty Prankmistress. We are but mere novices, eager to understand your ways."
She laughed and got them to sit down at a table. Fred looked at her and had to ask. "Okay, what happened?"
She frowned in a moment of seriousness. "What do ye mean? 'What happened?' I'm just as clueless as you are."
"Well, the McGonagall we knew, the old one-"
"Oi! Don't call me old." She said dangerously.
"Right, right. Well, the… adult McGonagall is the strictest teacher in the school. How did you, the prank-loving Mistress of Mischief, become the dragon-lady of Hogwarts?"
Minnie sagged a bit in shock. "Oh, Lord. Do I really become that way when I get older?" The twins nodded and she sat back down to stare in space.
Fred's gaze wandered to a few pictures poking out of the journal, he carefully opened the pages and looked at them. They were both clearly Albus Dumbledore. One had him with rich, auburn hair while he was still smiling and young. The other had him with white hair with some fading brown streaks and he already had several wrinkles aging his face at least fifty years.
"Oi. What happened to Dumbledore?" He asked. Minnie was broken out of her stupor to look at the photos before snickering.
"Well, the one where he has come color to his hair was taken at the beginning of my first year." She explained.
"And the second?"
She grinned. "The end of my first year."
Minerva McGonagall lay down in her dormitory. Today was a pretty good day.
Ended the prank war? Check.
Gained new disciples in the way of discord? Check.
Had a nice relaxing bath? Check.
She settled down and thumbed through a small planner on her nightstand. It had her lesson plans laid out for her to follow for the rest of the year for each year group, if she had to stick around that long.
She grinned as she blew out the candle. She'd need her sleep after all. Tomorrow's her first day of teaching.
And may God help them all. She thought, smiling, as she drifted away to sleep.
All throughout the castle, almost every student woke up in a sudden cold sweat. Unsure of what it meant.
Save for a certain insect-like Divination teacher who rushed to her secret compartment to ensure her sherry supply was intact and immediately grabbed a spare M1 Helmet (just in case).
AN: I don't own "Henry the Eighth", I don't actually know the song to be honest. It was just the only one I could find with the possibility of endlessly repeating verses given the "second verse same as the first."
I don't own "Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight." For those of you who look it up and wonder 'where have I heard that before?' think all the way back to Spongebob's first episodes. Remember "That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells… smelly..."
Dangit. After typing "smell" so many times, it doesn't seem like a word anymore.
Anyway, I love the Tiny Tim song, despite my preferences for not-at-all-jovial songs. Be sure to listen to one with the orchestra behind it. The "lyrics" one has that. The main one on youtube just has him and a ukulele. Honestly, the one with the orchestra too is a lot better.
I hope you enjoyed!
Until next time!
-Crow