Chapter 3

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering." — Paulo Coelho

Where the heart lies

BGM recommendation: The Cinematic Orchestra Arrival of the Birds & Transformation

The room was dark. He could barely make out any figures in his living room. Puffy and swollen peridot eyes stared at the ceiling, as the young man felt how his sorrow clenched into his chest painfully. Maybe he should have prepared to fight against it instead? Against the catastrophic storm moving towards him at such a fast pace? No. He did the right thing. It's okay to get hurt than have others hurt for you. That's the rule he's been living after for so long… And he thought that by doing that, he might've achieved peace in the very end. But no. Oh, no. How wrong he's been. Peace did not exist for people such as him. Happiness was nothing but an unachievable, complex thing. And he grew so damn tired to chase after it. It was pointless. What was he more than a tainted and bitter pawn in a game beyond anybody's understanding? A game that sealed his fate a long time ago.

"I'll go hell when all of this is over." His mind whispered silently. "No, maybe I'm already there."

He's already given his resignation papers to Marukawa's president by fax, asking him to keep that information quiet until he was already gone. But he couldn't help but feel nervous. He felt it in his gut. Nothing could hide him from the editor-in-chief of Emerald when he really wanted to give him a piece of his mind.

Onodera Ritsu closed his eyes, placing his forearm against the shut lids. He recalled the events from two nights ago, wincing when he accidentally applied some pressure on his bruised and slightly purplish corner of his jaw.

"You're well and healthy. I'm so glad." A small smile crept on her otherwise indifferent, pale face.

"Y-you… What are you doing here? I mean, it's so good to see you! Ugh, I'm so stupid!" he stuttered with embarrassment, before pulling the slender woman into a tight hug. "I've missed you so much…" he confessed quietly, putting his head on her shoulder. The woman gave out a soft chuckle, hugging him back. "I've missed you as well." She replied, her azure blue eyes twinkling with affection.

"Well, don't just stand there! Come on in!" Ritsu made space so that the young woman could enter his humble apartment. The female's face converted from indifference to horror the moment she saw how much of a mess his place was. She suddenly started to feel really dizzy.

"You never change, do you?" she muttered with exasperation.

"Nope." Ritsu's face was graced by a sweet smile, which soon faltered when he noticed her red hands and shirt. Obviously, she's had some business to take care of earlier that evening. Ritsu frowned and sighed. "So that's what the smell was all about, huh?" Ritsu wanted to ask but kept his mouth shut. It was a miracle he's already forgotten what that sacred redness smelt like.

"Go take a shower. I'll bring out some of my clothes for you, alright?" He said instead, pointing to the door that led to his bathroom.

The young woman nodded in appreciation as she pulled her dirty shirt over her head, before she tossed it aside. She started unzipping her jeans kicking them alongside with her undergarments.

Ritsu came back from his room with his clumsily folded clothes and yelped at the sight of the woman's slender yet toned body, blushing furiously before he quickly turned around, offering a stuttered sorry. The azure eyed woman only smirked as she scratched softly at her toned abs, before she curtly took the cloths for his arms and started heading to the bathroom.

Making sure the jet black haired woman was out of sight, Ritsu turned around and let out a heavy sigh. "Why does she enjoy teasing me so much?" He asked no one particular.

Throwing a glance towards her dirty clothes lying on the floor, he finally noticed a dull, dark object standing proudly on his floor. Her dark gun with its charismatic silencer. A Steyr M1912*, also known through the collectors as the "Hammer". It was almost scary to think how alluring the gun was. The "Hammer" had its own glory as well as its own rules. Ritsu could feel the weight of its history. He frowned darkly and let out a deep sigh. Gathering her clothes into his laundry basket, he soon tossed them into his washing machine. He then picked up the strangely light "Hammer", only to place it on the coffee table ahead of the sofa.

"I really need to make some tea…" He thought to himself. Making his way through the nightmare he called living room, once in his kitchen, Ritsu reached for a teapot in the shelf above his sink. Filling it with water and some mint leaves, he placed the teapot on the stove, waiting for the young woman to get out of the bathroom.

Ritsu took a seat at the table, bringing his hands to his face. The kitchen had a sickening color of white under the light of the neon tubes on his ceiling, a color that reminded him of hospitals. It reminded him of the words his late mother told him before she finally lost her sanity in her endless greed.

Black has never been the color for death. Not at all. For black symbolized strong defenses, secrecy and mystery. White on the other hand was just as pure as it was sick. White was a color that accompanied the human beings through their entire life. At their birth, when the infants are to be covered in soft white sheets, when they are already at the mercy of the world. At their wedding, when the lovers swear to each other endless love, support and fidelity, the bride blushing under her pearly white veil, the son-in-law smiling genuinely while playing with the buttons of his best white suit in nervousness.

And how could he forget about the last chapter of the human lives? Life is just as short as it is long, and it depends on each and every one of people nowadays to make it worth it. Because everything, without exception ends in death. The sickening, candle-like white of the dead's skin is always intriguing just as much as it is shocking. The once soft and warm faces and bodies and hands of the ones we've lost would only be a cold sack of bones, so hard at touch that one would say they are like rocks. Ritsu was one of the unfortunate souls to know that very well.

The creak door made Ritsu snap out of his thoughts, revealing the azure eyed woman while she was drying her waist-long jet black hair with a towel. Glancing over her form, Ritsu noted that his clothes were a tad too big for her slender form. A snort escaped his lips, before he clasped a hand over his mouth as he pathetically tried to contain his laughter. The young woman huffed in annoyance as she pulled his sweatpants higher on her waist, before they slumped back, barely hanging on her hips.

"One word and I'll slit your throat." She threatened darkly, before she took a seat at the kitchen table. Ritsu smiled warmly, before he took the hot pot from the stove and poured the tea into two of the mugs he placed earlier on the table.

"Thank You." The dark haired muttered gratefully when he handed over the Rudolf printed mug. Sinking two sugar cubes in the dark tea, the woman took a few sips before Ritsu caught a glimpse of her sparkling eyes.

"Mint tea! It's a wonder you still remember it is my favorite!" she cooed excitedly before she drank some more.

"How could I forget? You were always pressing us to buy you mint leaves whenever we were in town." Ritsu chuckled. The woman's smile was gentle, yet sad, as if recalling some lost memories from the corners of her mind.

"How are your parents?" She asked as she bore her eyes into her mug.

"They are alright." Ritsu forced a smile. "Mother…My step mother is bugging me to get married, while father is struggling to take me back into the mansion." He told her tiredly.

The blue eyed woman only smiled before she placed a cool hand over his own. Ritsu then remembered the familiar cold of her hands. He recalled trying to warm them up when they were younger but she would always shrug it off with a smile and a shake of her head.

"So you've finally remembered." It wasn't a question. More like a statement. Her eyes showed true happiness and yet… her sadness would always remain.

Ritsu smiled sadly before nodding. He clasped their hands together and he already felt like crying.

"I'm glad. I'm so glad." She bent her head so that her forehead pressed on the table. Her voice dripped with emotion. Her heart felt like bursting and breaking at the same time. Ritsu could relate to her feelings. The feeling of not remembering your own past…and not even your given name… it was hell.

"Listen up, Ritsu…" she mumbled softly. "They know."

"Hah… I knew that from the moment you've been standing in front of my door." He said with concern and a little bit of fear laced in his voice.

The young woman raised her face only to make full contact with his eyes.

"I managed to convince the bastard to let me come to you instead of himself and his bodyguards. Ritsu… you have to come back. You know what would happen if you deny his request. I'm sorry." The dark haired whispered.

Ritsu only smiled painfully. He felt a burning sensation in his eyes and he soon felt like he couldn't breathe. A sob made its way out of his mouth as the brunette buried his face into his hands. The woman moved so that she could snake her arms around his shoulders. "I'm sorry." She whispered brokenly.

Recommended BGM: BANKS – You should know where I'm coming from

There was no point of beating around the bush. At the blush of dawn he had to leave. He had to leave everything behind. His apartment, that was always so messy and yet always the perfect sanctuary. His work as a shoujo manga editor that he came to love so much, despite all of the hardships he's had to face. His family, whom he learned to trust and to love back with the same intensity they loved him. And… Takano Masamune.

Ritsu winced at the thought of his boss. Truthfully, he really felt guilty. He knew how much it would mess Masamune up if he left. But what choice did he have? It was either this or… the idea of being robbed of everything he cared about. He wanted to stay. God, he'd do anything to stay by Takano's side. But he couldn't afford being selfish. Not when his loved ones were at stake. Not when he was so scared of letting Takano learn of his tainted past. Not when he couldn't let his comrades down. He's a done a vow back in his days. Always and forever.

"Always and forever, indeed." Ritsu whispered to no one in particular.

A powerful knock on his door pulled him out of his racing thoughts. At first, Ritsu decided to ignore it, but as seconds passed by, the noise started to irritate him. The longer he waited the harsher the knocks and kicks on his poor door became. So much for a silent and uneventful night, eh? There could only be one person so desperate and so rude at that hour.

With a groan, Ritsu managed to make his way through his now clean living room to the entrance of his apartment. His feet moved soundlessly against the wood of his parquet. Drawing in a deep breath, the brunette braced himself for the storm yet to come before he finally unlocked the door.

Before he could even open up, the door slammed open noisily and before he could even register what was happening, Ritsu had already been pinned uncomfortably against the wall, facing angry honey filled orbs.

"You bastard!" The black haired man towering above him hissed hotly as he pressed Ritsu into wall even harder.

"Takano-san…" The brunette managed to say with a shock filled voice. Ritsu's eyes filled with emotions he couldn't voice out, bowing his head in shame as he tried to evade the other man's glare.

"You plan on running away again, aren't you? You plan on leaving me again…" Masamune rasped out angrily. "After everything we've been through? I told you that I love you for countless times and you still refuse to hear me out?" The taller man's voice started to reach a crescendo. "What else do you want me to do, huh? What the fuck do you want, Onodera?!" He raged at his one and only love, as he gripped at the brunette's wrists harder, until he was gifted by a small wince of pain.

Noticing how the smaller man refused to meet his eyes, Masamune gritted his teeth in fury before he muttered darkly. "Look at me…"

Ritsu vigorously shook his head as he shoulders trembled, his breaths coming out in short and heavy puffs.

"Look at me, damn it!" Masamune yelled as he quickly brought his hands to his lover's chin, forcing the green eyed man's head up to meet his eyes. The sight caught the elder off guard. He was greeted by slightly pained and puffy red eyes, the younger's cheeks being soaked by hot rivers of tears. Ritsu struggled to maintain any noise threatening to escape his mouth, but without any success.

"I'm s-sorry!" the younger creaked out. He finally started sobbing as he dropped his head on Masamune's chest, gripping as for his own life on the dark haired man's shirt.

"I'm sorry!" Ritsu cried even harder. Masanume encircled his arms around Ritsu instinctively, as tear welled up into his honey colored eyes. It hurt. It hurt seeing Ritsu cry. Ritsu never cried. No matter how hard things became, he never shed a tear. Not that he knew of. But if there was one thing he knew… it was the fact that tears didn't suit Ritsu.

Masamune then kissed his lover in a poor attempt to distract him from his pain. Ritsu sobbed against his lips, giving him the perfect opportunity to snake his tongue into the brunette's mouth. He kissed the younger with a burning manner, his large hands rubbing small circles into the back of his lover, until Ritsu's sobs dissipated. The brunette slowly stared to kiss Masamune back with the same urgency as he brought his arms up to wrap around the taller man's neck.

Masamune moved lower in the dark, pressing a wet kiss to Ritsu jaw and while he expected a moan, he was shocked when he was rewarded with a hiss of pain instead. Snapping his eyes open, the taller man took a good look at his lover's jaw before he finally caught sight of the slightly swollen and purplish bruise marking Ritsu proudly.

"Damn… Who gave you that?" The golden eyed man asked bemused.

"An-chan…"Ritsu replied while he was struggling to catch his breath. "…when I told her that I'll leave soon." He finished with a pant.

"Then you deserved it." Masamune said in his usual smug manner, making Ritsu a little more comfortable.

"Yeah… I guess I did." The brunette let out a shaky and strained laugh.

Tears flooded the elder's eyes before he gathers the younger man into his arms and burying his head on his shoulder.

"Don't leave me…" Ritsu heard the plea from his lover's lips that remained glued to his left ear. "Don't leave…Please, Ritsu, please don't." Masamune kept on pleading his lover. Ritsu felt a warm wetness on his shoulder and he felt like crying again.

"I'll never forgive you if you do." Masamune told him brokenly as he looked at Ritsu square in the eyes, before he sealed his lips with his own. Ritsu shivered at the contact between Masamune's roaming hands and the skin of his back and abdomen.

Everything else that night passed in a blur. Ritsu couldn't remember how they got into his bed and only remembered how perfect their lips melted into each other. He remembered how Masamune's body fit his own like a glove in their loving embrace. He remembered the burning desire in his navel, the feverish touches and the needy grips on each other's bodies. He remembered the particular taste of salt of their kisses, the salt provided by each other's never ending tears. He remembered how in the afterglow of their love session Masamune held on him tightly, whispering sweetly in his ear those three sinful little words.

Ritsu felt how his entire world started crumbling the moment he caught a glimpse through the curtains of his windows of the stunning palette of purples, blues, oranges, yellows and reds of the dawn sky. He gazed over the dark haired man's face. He fell in love once again when he noticed the peaceful and content expression on his face. "He looks so young when he's soundly asleep…" The brunette thought to himself, smiling sadly when he caressed Masamune's face as he earned a sleepy mumble back.

With a heavy heart, Ritsu slowly slipped out of his lover's arms, making sure to move carefully around as not to wake the elder up from his slumber. Once properly dressed, Ritsu made his way to his desk in the living room, taking a pen and a piece of paper with him. He quickly started writing down on the piece of paper words he had too much pride to voice out, words he was too shy to whisper and something he never thought of doing before. Something stupid. But it was worth the shot. Besides, this time… this time Ritsu was going to give Masamune a choice. A choice his teenager self refused to give out of selfishness and doubt.

By the time he finished his letter, the morning sun had already crept into his apartment, creating a warm and welcoming presence. A presence he did not belong to. A presence he'd taint if he were to stay any longer.

Moving soundlessly back to his bedroom, Ritsu placed the letter on his lover's lap. Ritsu's eyes were burned by the salty tears that now threatened to fall, as he one last time took a moment to take in the handsome features of his one and first love. Ritsu took in the endless dark of his hair that contrasted so beautifully with his pale skin, the perfect curve of his thick eyebrows, the straight line of his nose, to his high and rosy cheeks and to his strong jawline. He memorized the feeling of his proud, full lips and of his large warm, hands, the feeling of strong chest in which he felt so safe and always at total bliss.

Ritsu then burned that image of his lover in one of the corners of his brain, to keep a part of Masamune with himself forever. He promised to remember this image in his darkest days, in an attempt to turn on the light of a hope, no matter how small, that they will meet again.

Stuffing a sob from escaping his mouth, Ritsu moved above his lover to press a soft kiss on his forehead. Wiping roughly at his eyes, Ritsu drew in a deep breath before he whispered slowly something he should've said a long time ago. Three words that he should've said every day of his time spent with Masamune, yet failed to.

Having those words said, Ritsu left his apartment silently, cursing the fate of his love and cursing himself for not being strong enough to fight for something he knew he could never achieve. The only consolation he felt was given by the sweet words he shared with his sleeping lover. Words that could not save him from the cruel reality he lived in. Their echo drove him insane with loneliness.

I … love you…I love you. I love you! I love you so much…! Please forgive me.

Despite the shining sun that kept on rising on the pink sky, the wind was biting harshly at his exposed skin. Not that he minded. He was in no state to be bothered by pain of his cold hands and neither by his burning eyes.

Misaki didn't want to think. He didn't want to remember the sleeping face of Akihiko when he left the penthouse for the last time. He didn't want to imagine the face Akihiko would be making when he realized he was nowhere to be found. It hurt too much. And he feared that this pain will eat him inside out.

He let out a deep sigh, as he pressed his back into the door of the black Toyota Hilux* standing proudly in front of the apartment complex a few feet ahead. The door's soft click drew Misaki's attention as from the passenger's seat got out a jet black haired woman with stunning azure blue eyes. Moving so that her back would be pressed to the big car, the young woman put a brown cigarette between her full, red lips, before she brought up a hand to light it up. A familiar scent of cherries comforted Misaki in silence. "Black Stones Cherry, huh?" he thought to himself.

"You did the right thing, Misaki…" the woman tried to console him while she let out the smog out of her lungs.

"I know… That's just the problem." Misaki said bitterly as he ran a cold hand through his dark chocolate locks.

"How so?" She asked indifferently.

"Because now Usagi-san will never forgive me for leaving him." He spoke out as he looked up into the light sky instead. "Because now he has an idea about what kind of monster I am, and he should be smart enough to keep his distance."

"And what if he isn't?" The blue eyed woman asked, her usual rational voice cutting through Misaki like a blade. "What if he decides to chase after you, instead?"

Misaki let out a forced laugh before his lips turned into a sickening, little smile. "Then I'll just have to scare him off." He said darkly. "You'd know everything about that, right Sekhmet?" He asked mockingly.

"Heh, why of course." Sekhmet played along as her lips morphed into a solemn and dangerous smile. She inhaled once again from her cigarette as she figured that playing along Misaki's scenarios might help him overcome the pain that lingered inside his chest. "Aren't I such a good friend?" she head her mind say with an amused voice.

Another figure made itself shown as the door from the driver's seat was slammed back into its rightful place. The tall and muscular figure of the redhead man decided to join the two into their silence, as he awkwardly stuffed his hands into his coat. After some while of comfortable silence, the man let out a colorful bark of laughter before he grinned to his comrades.

"You know, I never understood how you guys always liked to stay out in the cold while you could simply just stay put in the car. What the hell are you doing anyway? Sightseeing?" Set asked barely containing his snorts.

Sekhmet raised a dark eyebrow as she took another whiff from her cigarette before stubbed it out in her portable ashtray. Exhaling the smog into the thin air, the young woman smirked at the taller man. "Well, you know I have… a particular taste for nature, if you know what I mean." She cooed sweetly as she made small circles into the redhead chest with her finger. Misaki could only stare dumbfounded as he tried to make out the hidden meaning behind her words, while Set simply blushed furiously as he smacked her hand away quickly, mumbling softly to himself while she laughed in his face.

Misaki smiled at their cute exchange, before his smile faltered when he noticed a familiar figure in the distance, making its way to their car. Peridot met emerald once again in a sad encounter. Misaki made out Ritsu's swollen eyes before he noticed his bruised jaw. Set's eyes softened in understanding, while Sekhmet moved to give him a firm hug. Ritsu's expression reflected his own an hour ago.

The group soon hopped in the big car before they made their way out of the apartment complex. The ride was silent and still, as no one dared to mutter a word. The only sounds filling the car were the bittersweet sounds of Fritz Kreisler's* wonderful piano masterpiece Love's Sorrow. Sekhmet probably wanted to give Misaki and Ritsu time to adjust before they returned to Phantom, while Set simply placed his attention on the road ahead. In the backseat, Misaki squeezed Ritsu's hand in reassurance as both of them decided it was enough to just keep staring on the window, in an attempt to distract themselves from their failures.

It hurt. Everything hurt like hell. But… that was the point after all, now was it? Pain demanded to be felt.

AN: Hi! *dodges a tomato* Ahem… So it's been… almost a month? X*D I swear to you guys that I've done my best into completing this chapter as soon as possible!

You've probably noticed that this chapter is more focused on Ritsu's side of story, therefore has more description than dialogue. Truthfully, I love describing… pretty much everything, but given the fact that English is not my native language, you could imagine that nothing was right. I've noticed while I was writing how I tend to lose myself into details. So many details, you actually lose the grip on one sentence. So for an entire month I kept on writing and deleting and writing and deleting, because nothing seemed right! I'm not completely satisfied with this version either, but I figured it's better than what I've written previously.

Also, please do listen to BANK – You should know where I'm coming from, while reading Ritsu and Masamune's exchange. I swear that songs fits their relationship like a glove. Well, more like…it focuses on the feelings built up inside Ritsu that is torn apart between leaving and staying. Seriously, go for it.

You might have already noticed, but I'm a sucker for gun brands. You could just say I take that from my dad X*D

Okay, now for INFO:

* Steyr M1912, also known as the "Hammer" is a semi-automatic, stripper clip fed pistol chambered in 9mm Steyr which was introduced in 1911. A large number of the M1912 were rechambered for 9x19mm after the German annexation of Austria in 1938. This gun has a lot of history, and is a blast to shoot. In other words, the perfect pistol to shoot your ex's balls off. *winks*

* Toyota Hilux is a robust and great-value alternative to pick-up rivals like the Ford Ranger and Nissan Navara. The Toyota Hilux has been around for a while, with the first version launching back in 1968, but now into its seventh generation, Toyota's pick-up offers an extra dose of style and comfort compared to more traditional commercial vehicles.

* Fritz Kreisler (February 2, 1875 – January 29, 1962) was an Austrian-born violinist and composer. One of the most famous violin masters of his or any other day, and regarded as one of the greatest violinists of all time, he was known for his sweet tone and expressive phrasing. Like many great violinists of his generation, he produced a characteristic sound which was immediately recognizable as his own. Although he derived in many respects from the Franco-Belgian school, his style is nonetheless reminiscent of the gemütlich (cozy) lifestyle of pre-war Vienna.

*Love's Sorrow is included in Alt-Wiener Tanzweisen (Old Viennese Melodies in German), which is a set of three short pieces for violin and piano, written by Fritz Kreisler. The three pieces are usually performed or heard separately, and are titled Liebesfreud (Love's Joy), Liebesleid (Love's Sorrow), and Schön Rosmarin (Lovely Rosemary).

Also, thank you so much for reading this story! It makes me very happy that you guys like it! ^^ I'll do my best and update as soon as I can *hug*

EDIT: For my reviewers~~

Kat of el Cajou : You are so sweet! Thank You so much for your review! It's always a pleasure to read yours! XD I'm glad that the previous chapter made so fired up ^^ I hope I'll be reading a review from you on this one soon *hugs*

Random Reader : Thank You so much for pointing out that mistake! Geez, I could have sworn I did it right QAQ Thank you so much for your support! I hope this chpater is to your liking as well. ^^

Laura: Thank You so much! As you've probably figured out, the other 4 paws are not SIH or JR characters. X*D And let me tell you a little secret. One of the reasons that this chapter took me so long to finish was because I didn't plan to write about Ritsu at all! In fact, this chapter was supposed to be well, the future chapter 4. But I noticed how many reviewers as well as some of my friends asked me to include more Nostalgia. So I decided to try my best and include them as much as I could. It will be tricky to bring Takano back in the plot, but not impossible. To answer your question, I'm from Romania. But I don't think I write THAT good in English. Trust me, I spend a lot of time to search stuff in the dictionary QAQ But practice makes it perfect. Though in my case, I suppose I've gotten better by reading a lot of books and fanfictions in English as well. ^^ Lots of hugs and take lots of care! *glomps*

Wow, that was one hell of an AN, huh?

Until next time,

Fel