"So call me crazy but I know that your human side is not the only side of you that wants to make sure that I don't get hurt. Your animal side wants to keep me safe, too. Which means I am safe with you, no matter what. That's my epiphany!"
Catherine drew a long breath and waited for Vincent to respond. During the last few minutes, he had slowly pushed himself further away from her. He was still sitting on the sofa, at a distance, head down, knotting his hands together: a picture of misery. The photo of Heather's car had fallen out of his hands at some stage. As the seconds ticked by, Cat grew more and more nervous.
For a while there, she had thought that she was getting through to him. That he could see the logic of her argument. Now she was not so sure anymore. What else could she say to reassure him? Sadness washed over her as she suddenly felt powerless and drained at the realization that this might be it: that his fear was so paralyzing that this might actually be as close as they would ever get.
Vincent's reaction took her completely by surprise.
Within a split second he was at her side and in one swift moment, he swept her onto his lap. He gently put his trembling hands on either side of her neck, his thumbs exerting slight pressure on her jaw line. His sudden movement and the closeness of his body caused Catherine to close her eyes for the first few seconds of contact. When she opened them to look at him, she couldn't help but gasp at the desperation in his eyes and the tenseness of his face. Cat didn't think that it was possible for Vincent to look more vulnerable than he had when he came to tell her that he had accidentally killed Darius. She had been wrong.
She fought the urge to just kiss all his worries away, not yet knowing what the expression in his eyes meant. She just looked at the tortured man in front of her and poured every ounce of love she felt for him into her gaze, hoping he could see and feel what he really meant to her and how utterly convinced she was that he would never ever hurt her.
Vincent's breathing was shallow and he still hadn't said a word. At least he did not break eye contact and his facial features seemed to relax a bit as a result of the loving expression in her eyes.
Vincent's voice was more gravelly than usual when he finally spoke: "Catherine, I want to believe you… I so desperately wish your epiphany to be true. But if you knew how much control I have to exercise around you… if you only knew what it costs me to keep myself in check…" His voice trailed off.
"Tell me, then. Vincent, please tell me what happens inside you when you're with me. I need to know," Catherine said as she slowly moved her hands to rest on his chest. His heart was drumming against his ribcage like crazy.
"Please don't think for a second that you don't make me happy, Catherine. I'm giddy with happiness every time I get to see you, even just from a distance. But I also feel so vulnerable when I'm around you; I'm constantly struggling to stay in control of my emotions. I have been fighting these feelings that you have awoken in me for so long now and I feel like I'm losing control. The closer we get, the less I seem to be able to fight these urges… And I know if have to fight them, I need to pull away, in order to keep you safe… "
"What urges?" Catherine interjected, already anticipating what he was going to say but aware of the fact that he needed to talk this through.
"The urge to pull you into my arms and kiss you. Caress you. Show you in every way possible how much you mean to me. You know…"
"Those are natural urges for people who love each other, aren't they?" Catherine whispered, in a soothing voice.
"Natural! Nothing is natural for a monstrous creature like me, not anymore. I have to fight them, because if I ever lose control, I can hurt you, I can kill you…" Vincent's mind was clearly struggling with what he thought was an insurmountable problem but Catherine could not help but notice that his body had already given up the fight.
While he was telling her that he needed to keep himself in check because he was a monster, his left hand had wandered from her neck down to her waist and just as he said that nothing was natural for him, he laid his hand on the small of her back and gently pushed her forward, reducing the distance between their bodies. Catherine decided to leave her hands where they were, realizing that Vincent was so caught up in his worries that he had not registered his body instinctively following its own agenda. If she started caressing him back, though, he might pull away again.
In a soothing tone, she whispered: "Does this not feel natural? It does to me."
His bodily reaction surprised her again: he leaned his forehead against hers and sighed. Then he whispered in reply: "Yeah, it does. It feels good, so good. But my adrenaline levels are already dangerously high; I'm scared it would only take me very little to lose control… It's not that I don't want this, Catherine, I do. But I don't want to hurt you."
"Vincent, you didn't hurt me the night I got shot. At a time you felt completely out of control… Can't you see what that means?"
"Catherine, even if what you say is true, that the animal side in me also wants to keep you from harm… I… I still don't want you to see me… turning… while…" He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.
"OK," said Catherine, sitting up straight, taking her hands off Vincent's chest and pushing herself all the way back, pretending to want to slide off his knees. His body's reaction was immediate. His right arm dropped down and grabbed her around the waist, holding her tightly, not allowing her to stand up. She didn't struggle but had to fight the urge to smile: he still seemed oblivious to the way in which his body was responding to hers.
"Ah, another snag," she said softly. "You're not only scared that you could hurt me if you turn. You're scared that if you turn, or partially turn, while we're intimate I will find you repulsive… that I will turn away for good… or what, Vincent?"
Vincent sighed and dropped his head. While his mind was feverishly trying to keep his emotions at bay, his body was on autopilot: his arms gently pulled Catherine closer again. She didn't put up resistance. But she couldn't keep herself from saying:
"OK, Vincent, so let me ask you one thing: which part of the sentence 'I accept all of what you are' is unclear to you? What bit did you not get? Because I can explain it over and over until you get it, you silly, silly man!"
Vincent's head shot up: Catherine's tone had become more playful with every single word. Also, she was sitting on his lap, seemingly comfortable, with her head tilted to the right and a big smile on her lips. He shook his head as if trying to get out of a stupor. "How did you end up…" he managed to say. She let out a chuckle.
"Looks like there's a part of you that decided it had enough of your… how shall I put this politely… mental masturbations? You grabbed me and pulled me onto your lap about ten minutes ago, remember?"
"I remember wanting to pull you towards me, and fighting that urge. But I don't remember taking the conscious decision to act upon it…" His voice was suddenly tainted with worry: "Hold on, when you say I grabbed you… did I force you? Did I hurt you?"
"What am I going to do with you?" said Catherine, taking Vincent's face between her hands. "No, you did not hurt me. You were gentle, as always. Really, no wonder your adrenaline levels are all over the place if you worry all the time, if you don't trust yourself even to take me in your arms without snapping me in two… Vincent, baby, you need to ease up on the guilt and on the worry. Can you do that for me?"
"I don't know if I can… I don't know if I can afford to." His answer was a mere whisper. Catherine had to strain to hear what he was saying.
"Well, will you let me try and help you work on that, please?" said Catherine, tracing his scar with her thumb at which he closed his eyes.
Vincent nodded and said: "You are a truly amazing woman, Catherine. I don't deserve you…"
"You deserve everything, Vincent. Everything, do you hear me?" Suddenly Catherine had tears in her eyes. Fighting them back, she whispered: "I love you, Vincent. And I know that we can do this safely. You don't think I'd be reckless enough to jeopardize your and my safety, do you?"
She could literally see the last few nuggets of reticence disappear from his eyes as he bent forward to finally kiss her. All the desperation and pain were gone, replaced by a look full of hope, passion and longing. As soon as his lips met hers, she knew she had won the battle.
So... I am actually working on how this could progress. Might well become my first smutty, steamy chapter ever - not sure whether I should just end my story here or whether you want to read some more sexy VinCat scenes. Let me know : )