Note that I do not own MTV and I have absolutely NOTHING against them… I'm a big fan of some of their shows. I also do not own Fig Newtons. :3 Wish I did, though, them things are GOOD.
I may have made some mistakes in this chapter, due to Kyle's diabetes… I have no idea if he can eat cinnamon OR fig newtons…
But, on that subject, I think Kyle's diabetes was actually a stunt done by the South Park creators to make that particular episode which one was it? I think I know which one it was, but I'm not positive make more sense, since I don't believe Kyle is diabetic in any of the other episodes… he is seen with copious amounts of candy and sugar in many other episodes…. DAMN YOU, MATT STONE AND TREY PARKER FOR CONFUSING ME! -then hugs them for making such an awesome show-
----
I called Kenny early Saturday morning. He was still in bed, according to his mother, but she went to go wake him up. When he finally picked up the phone, he sounded tired.
And pissed.
"What the I hell /I do you want, Kyle?" He griped, and I could hear him yawn. "It's 7:00 in the morning on a SATURDAY… call me back later." He hung up the phone before I could get another word out. Damn him.
"Bastard." I muttered, putting down my phone and heaving myself up out of my comfortable chair again. Man, it was so cold out this morning. Again. Shivering, I strode over to my dresser, picked out a set of clothes for the day, and hurried off to take a shower without saying 'Good Morning' to any of my family.
My shower was quick and relaxing, and it definitely woke me up. After doing my hair and brushing my teeth, I went to the dryer to make sure my coat was dry. It was slightly damp, but good enough to wear outside. Since I wasn't going anywhere for a few hours, I hung it up over the dryer and let it drip dry. My hat was completely dry, so I jammed it on my head… even though I wasn't going anywhere for a few hours.
With a forced smile on my face, I hurried into the kitchen where I was greeted with the warm smell of cooking. I made an incoherent sound, intending to blearily mumble the word, "Foood," and instead coming out with, "Moooose."
Ike laughed slightly as I sat down beside him. "Morning, Kyle. Did you call Kenny last night?" I shook my head.
"Nope. I told you I wasn't going to… I called him this morning, but the little prick hung up on me."
"What's a prick?"
"Fuck- I mean, shit, er-nuts, ah crap!" I prattled, making an odd flapping gesture in Ike's face. "Nothing, it's nothing," I said quickly, avoiding my mother's stern gaze. She was still strict as ever, of course.
Ike looked at me for a few minutes, obviously interested, but didn't say anything except, "He hung up?"
"Yeah." I said, drool flooding my mouth as soon as my mother placed a piece of French toast on my plate. "I'm gonna give him a call after I eat… maybe he'll be awake then. What time is it now?"
My father answered me, buried in the newspaper. "8:14." He said shortly, glancing at the clock over the paper. "That Kenny sure sleeps in a lot."
"No kidding." I mumbled through a cinnamon drenched piece of toast. "He's on the brink of laziness. He's going to turn out to be like Cartman if he keeps sleeping his days away." What a lie! Kenny spends all of his time in the bed, but he's sure as hell not sleeping… But I couldn't tell them that…
Ike laughed at this, but didn't comment. He shoveled his toast into his mouth with lightning speed, and quickly pushed his chair back from the table. "Where are you going in such a hurry?" Asked our father. He peered over the edge over the paper at Ike.
"Um, I'm meeting Chris at the playground," Ike said, rummaging through the closet and looking for his jacket. "We're going to hang out there for a while and then probably go back to his house and play video games."
Good. At least you're not doing pot and getting mixed up with talking turds. I thought with a small cringe, watching Ike intently for a few seconds before turning back to my food. I had eaten it quicker than I thought. Kenny had better be awake… I stood up from the table, grabbed Ike's plate as well as mine, and left to go and put them in the sink.
Back in my room, I was waiting for Kenny to pick up his phone.
"You sure as hell like to get up early don't you?" Came his frustrated voice that was laced with tiredness.
"Whassamatter, Ken, were you up late last night?" I badgered, a sly grin spreading over my face as I pictured his reaction.
His reaction was silence for a few seconds, and then, "No."
I didn't believe it for a second, so I just laughed and said, "Okay… what did you call me for?"
"Oh, um, Cartman wants us all to meet at the elementary playground for a quick run-over of plans… he also wants to show you guys the money."
I nodded, and said, "Okay… did you call Stan, does he know?"
"Yeah, he does. We're meeting at 9:00, so hurry your ass up." Kenny said. "Make sure you don't tell Ike or your pare-"
Ike! "Oh, SHIT, Kenny, Ike's going to the elementary school playground as well… I can't go there and practice being gay with him around." I said hurriedly, feeling my heart skip a beat.
"Dammit." I heard Kenny mumble, he cleared his throat and spoke again. "Well, how about… um… at Stan's house? I'll call him and make sure that's okay… then I'll call you back…"
"Fine." I nodded, and said, "Talk to you later, Kenny."
"Wait-" Kenny said quickly. "Kyle… um… about the bet… six bucks. For the creative little things."
"Boy, you're just intent on sucking yourself out of money, aren't you?"
"I got paid last week, I have enough to spare." He said. "But… see you later, Kyle."
"Gotcha… bye." I hung up my phone with a shake of my head, resting my forehead on the palms of my hands and groaning slightly. This was going to be pure hell. I drummed my fingers on my desk and waited for Kenny to call. After ten minutes of waiting, I slipped my phone into my pocket and trudged back down into the kitchen, intent on some orange juice.
----
Kenny called me about a half an hour later. I was sitting on the couch, watching a Family Guy DVD and feeling very bored. Kenny's call lasted thirty seconds all he said was, "It's okay, get over here." And then he hung up.
I turned off the television and stood up, heading back towards the dryer to retrieve my coat. "Bye, mom, I'm gonna go meet the guys." I yelled over my shoulder as I slipped through the door.
It was cold and wet. An icy drizzle was falling down weakly, as though it had just gotten done with a rainstorm. I shoved my hands into the comfort of my pockets and plodded down the wet streets, shivering slightly. Stan's house was already in view, having only been a short walk away, so I sped up slightly, eager to get out of the cold.
I could see Kenny knocking on Stan's door, with Cartman at his side. I skidded into Stan's driveway, and felt myself falling through chilly air.
I landed on the cement with a noise that sounded like a cross between a yelp and a grunt. I felt a hand on my coat collar, helping me up. I blinked dazed eyes at Kenny's blonde head and groaned slightly, one hand massaging my bruised elbow. "Goddamn that hurt." I muttered, listening to Cartman's derisory laughter.
"Looked like it." Kenny laughed, hooking an arm around my shoulder and herding me towards the door. Stan opened his front door, looking slightly confused.
"What happened?" He asked, nodding towards me and Kenny.
"The clumsy Jew tripped." Cartman said nonchalantly. I leaned forward and smacked him in the back of the head. "Ay!"
"Shut up, Fat-ass, let's get on with this thing." I grunted, shoving him through the door and into the warmth of Stan's house. Kenny let go of me and hurried over to flop himself on Stan's couch with a contented sigh.
I sat down next to him, while Stan sat on his other side, but Cartman suddenly smacked me on the head with something I recognized as a ruler. Blinking at the stars that danced in front of my eyes, I managed to yell out, "What the HELL was that for?"
"You and your partner must sit next to each other at any and all given times." Cartman instructed, waving the ruler at me. I glanced at Stan, who was massaging the back of his head. Clearly I wasn't the only one who'd been battered.
"Fine…" I mumbled, standing up and trading Kenny places.
"Sit closer." Cartman ordered. I moved in closer to Stan. "Closer." I inched slightly further towards him. "Cloooooosseeer." By this time, our shoulders were pressed together so close that it was uncomfortable.
Cartman cleared his throat. "Now, when it comes to gay people, the more assertive man is usually the one that plays the man; while the weaker and milder man plays the woman. Kyle, since you're the wimp, you'll be the woman."
I scowled and bit back an angry retort.
"Now, Stan, since you're the dude, I want you to put your arm around Kyle's waist." He poked at Stan's left arm with the ruler. Kenny giggled slightly, and Stan and I both turned our heads to shoot him a nasty look. Stan then gave me an uneasy glance and slid his arm around my lower back. I trembled slightly, and Stan gave a shaky laugh.
"Ay!" Cartman slapped Stan with the ruler yet again. "No laughing during class!"
"Why not?" Stan protested, glowering up at Cartman and grinding his teeth together so stridently that I think even Kenny heard it. "Laughing is a sin for queers, is it?"
Cartman looked thoughtful for a few minutes, and then said, "Okay, you can laugh. But not at any jokes about men… remember, they are the superior race."
"Superior race my-"
"As I was saying , Kyle, since you are the female, yah will need to respond in an adequate manner like a girl would. You can either A. kiss him on the cheek, B. giggle like a little pusseh, or C. snuggle into his shouldah."
I did nothing for several minutes, feeling quite stupid with Stan grasping me in a one-armed hug, Cartman glaring at me, and Kenny laughing his head off next to me in the couch. I shifted uncomfortably, and then slowly leaned over and put my head on his shoulder. This is so fucking humiliating. I glanced at Kenny, who had both hands pressed over his mouth in a fit of silent laughter.
"Fantahstic," Said Cartman, nodding favorably and smacking the ruler against his palm attentively. "Stan, it's your turn. Move your arm up onto Kyle's shoulder and tighten your grip."
"Cartman," Stan said, shifting into the correct position and scowling. "How do you know so much about how gay people act?"
"It's all thanks to MTV." He answered in a flash, fishing in his pocket for something. "Now, I want you guys to stay that way…don't move. I'm gonna show you guys the money you will be receiving for doing this. Kenny, get yours." He jabbed at Kenny with the ruler. Kenny yelped and began to probe into his pockets.
Soon, $60 were spread out in front of each of us, accompanied with a wad of fives and ones that Kenny had produced from his pocket.
"Kenny, I take it, has told yah why we're upping the bet to sixteh each?" Cartman asked pensively, cocking his head slightly. We both nodded simultaneously, giving each other introspective looks. "Good." Cartman said, scooping up the money back up into his hands. He produced a small metal lunchbox from seemingly nowhere and stuffed the bills into the box, and then, using a small diary lock, sealed and locked the box. "There we go." He said, shaking the box for added effect.
Stan's shoulder was very rigid and uncomfortable. I shifted slightly so that I was now resting upon his upper arm. Cartman then lashed out and smacked me with the ruler again.
"AH, GODDAMMIT CARTMAN!" I shouted, keeping both hands pressed on my head to shield myself from his blows. "What did I do this time?"
"Yah moved." He snapped. "I told yah not to move."
"But," I objected, narrowing my eyes at him. "Stan, no offense dude," I glanced at Stan, "your shoulder is so uncomfortable."
Stan shrugged and said, "Whatever…" Cartman, however, hit me again.
"STOP IT!"
"I'll stop when yah respect mah fuckin' authoritah." The other retorted, poking my hat with the ruler. "Now shut your Goddamn mouth and listen up." I growled angrily under my breath and crossed my arms. "Kenny, would you like to stand up and here and demonstrate a gay hug?"
Kenny leapt to his feet and stood next to Cartman, staring at each of Stan and I in turn with one finger in his chin in thought. He then leaned down and pulled Stan to his feet. I was glad to relax for a few minutes, so I propped up my head in my hands and watched.
Kenny positioned Stan so that he was standing perfectly still with his arms outstretched. Stan looked very nervous, and he kept shooting me horrified looks. Kenny took a couple steps back, made a marquee with his thumbs and forefingers, before crouching down like a track runner would. Then, in a flash, he leapt on Stan in a huge bear hug, burying his face into Stan's own. Stan tensed up completely and yelled, shoving Kenny away with both hands and floundering away backwards. He tripped, fell down, and was instantly set upon by Cartman's ruler.
"AH! OW! DAMMIT! FUCK! SHIT! STOP! STOP! FUCK! OW!"
"Dude, you are so lucky your parents are in Nevada." I shook my head in disbelief. "They would have so kicked your ass if they would've heard you talking like that…" I laughed slightly.
Stan was wiping Kenny's saliva from his face, hopping up and down on the spot and yelping like a wounded dog. "He… He…" Stan pointed uselessly at Kenny, who was doubled over in hysterics. "He grabbed my ass!" Stan finally spat out, both hands now behind his back and presumably shielding his butt from Kenny's groping hands.
My jaw dropped, and I turned to Cartman. "Oh, HELL no… I am not having my ass grabbed and neither am I going to grab Stan's ass." I shook my head hurriedly, clinging to the couch for dear life.
"Okay then," Cartman unlocked the box and withdrew twenty dollars. "You'll get this back when I see some ass-grabbin'."
I glanced at Stan, who shook his head frantically. He was flushing crimson, and backed up against the wall. "No." I said to Cartman, shaking my head. "We'll make up the money some other way."
Cartman shrugged. "Fine, let's see you come up with something else worth twenty bucks." He stuffed the twenty into his pocket and crossed his arms. "But I want to see you guys hug."
I stood up, strode across the room with my limbs feeling like rubber, and stood in front of Stan. He stared back at me, looking petrified. I lifted my arms to hug him, and then turned to Kenny. "Do I have to barrel into him like a running back?"
Kenny was thoughtful for a few minutes. "Umm… yeah."
"And do I have to lick him?" I asked, curling my lip in distaste. Kenny was again silent for a few minutes, and then shook his head.
"Nah. We'll get into that later. Just hug him. Stan, get away from the wall." Kenny motioned for Stan to move with one hand. Stan slowly obliged, taking a few steps away from the wall.
I took a few steps back away as well to give myself some room. "Sorry." I muttered to Stan, before running across the room and leaping at him. In all but a few seconds, my arms were curled around his neck and my face nestled into his chest, while he was kind of frozen in place with his arms in the environs of my hips.
"Good!" Kenny praised, patting each of us on the head in turn. We broke apart after a couple seconds and did not make eye contact, both of us blushing furiously. "You finally did something right…" Kenny fished into his pocket and put a Fig Newton onto each of our heads.
"Why the hell did you just put a Fig Newton on my head?" Stan asked through clenched teeth. Kenny chuckled.
"Just so you would ask me that question…" He took the Fig Newtons back and handed one to each of us. "It's not one you hear every day, is it?"
Thinking vaguely how retarded Kenny was today, I munched on my pastry while glaring at Cartman. He was sprawled on the couch and eyeing us like a professor would eye his misbehaving class. I flipped him off while finishing off my Fig Newton, and folded my arms. "Are we done?" I asked, glancing at Kenny.
"Nope." Kenny shook his head and took off his parka, revealing a black Terrance and Phillip shirt underneath. He cracked his knuckles and glared at us with a kind of fierce happiness in his eyes, grinning. "We're just getting started."
"Kenny," Cartman spoke up. "Did I ever tell you that you look frickin' retarded with orange pants and a black shirt."
"Shut up, Cartman." Kenny snapped, "Now… Stan." He pushed Stan and I back together so hard that our heads knocked together.
Blinking back the blinding pain, I staggered away from Stan and Kenny, hands fused to my forehead in pain. "Owowowowowow…"
"Pussy." Cartman remarked, standing up with a sigh and striding over to me. He raised his ruler to hit me, but through my delirium, I managed to catch his wrist in midair and snatch the ruler away from him. "Super weak." Cartman muttered, folding his arms and sitting back down on the couch.
I put the ruler into my pocket, where the top stuck out, and watched as Kenny lectured Stan on being more flexible. "Kyle did it right," Kenny was saying. "He was lithe and actually moved. You just kinda… stood there…This time, I want you to put one hand on Kyle's waist and another on his upper back." Stan nodded numbly. "And also… don't just stand there… go to meet him as he's coming towards you."
Stan nodded again, and scrabbled for his inhaler in his pocket. "Hang on." He rasped, stuffing the mouth of the inhaler into his mouth and swallowing in the vapor that expelled from the mouthpiece. He breathed deep for a couple seconds, and nodded. "Okay, let's do this…" He said breathily. He took a couple more paces away from me and steadied himself.
I swallowed very hard and nodded. "I just do what I did last time?" I asked shakily, cocking my head slightly in question. Oh please don't make me lick him…
"Yup." Cartman said, nodding. "G'wan, let's keep goin" He waved a hand at us, which, thank God, had no ruler clutched in it.
Stan and I made uneasy eye contact. Kenny counted off on his fingers. "Okay, three… two… one… HUG!"
Stan and I moved towards each other with cautious but quick movements. I clung to his neck again and nuzzled his neck, while Stan did as Kenny instructed and coiled one arm around my waist and the other on my shoulders. We stood there for a few seconds, while Kenny and Cartman were silent as the grave.
Cartman suddenly burst out with laughter, pointing at us in our embrace. I let go of Stan, strode across the room, whipped out the ruler, and broke it over his head.