Chapter 3 The Healing

The next morning Danno came, Steve stiffly dressed. Doc had come in earlier admonishing Steve to "take it easy" and use a cane, which he refused. Steve had been apprehensive most of the night, and it grew this morning. He wanted to go, he NEEDED to go, but also was terrified to go. To face… what…he wasn't sure… There was no talk on the way to the church. A large crowd of mourners was present. Steve slowly approached the casket and saw the beautiful child. He reached out and touched her cheek as a tear slid down his own and he silently whispered, "I'm sorry, honey…"

The Mass was said, the convoy to the cemetery, then back to the church for lunch. Steve was subdued, quiet the whole time. He almost didn't go back to the church. He didn't know any of these people; he wanted to be alone in his grief and depression. A little girl came up to him and said, "You're coming back to the church for lunch, aren't you?" and skipped away before he answered. Somehow, that question prompted him, almost drove him to return for lunch. He needed to, and was very unsure why he felt so compelled. And uncomfortable with the feeling. But he and Danno went back.

He skipped the lunch line, no desire to eat, no appetite. Danno had spied some folks he knew and excused himself to go over and talk with them. Danny's first thought was not to leave Steve alone, but almost felt himself drawn to his friends, away from Steve. And Steve would be okay, he was just across the room.

And that little girl skipped over to him. She was about 8 years old, pretty, head full of blond curls, nice smile, and bright eyes. "Hello, you're that man who tried to save my sister, aren't you?"

Oh Lord, please….

He quietly murmured, "Yes, honey…"

"What's your name? I'm Katie."

"Steve McGarrett."

"Can I sit on your lap?" LORD, PLEASE…

"Oh, wait a minute, Momma said you got shot in the leg and you're hurt. Which leg? Does it hurt?"

Steve indicated the left leg, "No it doesn't hurt much."

"I'll bet it DID though! Do you have a big hole in your leg?"

Unable to help himself, he chuckled, "Yes it DID hurt, and no, I don't have a big hole in my leg."

"Did they give you lots of shots and things like that in the hospital? I don't like shots!"

Continuing to smile and warm to this child, Steve answered, "Some shots, not too many."

"Well, can I sit on your lap if I am real careful and just sit on this side?" Steve nodded his consent and she carefully climbed up with his help. Now sitting in his lap, his arm around her waist, their faces were pretty close. She had beautiful large round brown eyes and a penetrating gaze. To be honest, Steve was a bit unsettled by it….

"So, my sister was really neat, I really liked her!" A lump formed in Steve's throat, tears sprang to his eyes. In a choking voice, "Katie, I'm so sorry I wasn't able to save your sister."

Katie didn't dismiss his comment, she took in it, seriously studied him. Steve felt intensely scrutinized…

After a minute of this (seemed like ten minutes to Steve), Katie asked in a normal, inquisitive tone of voice, "Mr. McGarrett, do you think it makes any sense that Annie can 'talk' to me now? I don't mean like voices or anything, I mean like somehow I can know what she's thinking, and somehow she can let me know things, things she wants me to know?"

"Yes, Katie, I think things like that can happen."

Somberly, very seriously, she turns those eyes on him, quietly, slowly, asking, "Really?" He knows this is not a trivial little question, and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

"Yes, Katie."

She spends more minutes studying him, reading his face. He can feel energy flowing between them, in the physical touch of his arms around her waist, her hands on his arms, but also in her eyes, in their mysterious acute stare. Steve felt uneasy, not in control of the situation, unable to move or react, really.

And ever so slowly, "Mr. McGarrett, you think it's your fault Annie died, don't you?"

With a quivering lip, a very quiet, tearful, "Yes, Katie…" came from Steve's mouth.

More silent minutes, Katie mostly looking directly at him, but for seconds looking away a bit, off into space….

"It's not, Mr. McGarrett. It's not your fault. Annie said so. Really. Annie says she doesn't want you to feel bad about it. It's okay."

More silence for a bit. Steve is trying to process this.

And Katie piped up again, "Mr. McGarrett, there's something Annie wants you to do for her. Will you do it? It's like she knows you feel bad, and she doesn't want you to feel bad. But I think Annie thinks if you can 'do' something for her, you'll feel better. Does that make any sense? It kind of does to me…. "

Almost reeling from the things Katie's saying, Steve DOES recognize that often some sort of "retribution" or "sentence" makes a person feel better, relieves guilt.

"Yeah, Katie, it kind of makes sense." He wondered, but was too afraid to ask, exactly WHAT Katie thought Annie wanted of him…. So he just sat with Katie, waiting. Then those big brown eyes turned on him again, and fear crept into Steve. In a way too grown up voice, and with a way too grown up message, Katie solemnly said, "Mr. McGarrett, Annie doesn't want you to feel guilty. She says if you are thinking about feeling guilty, you won't be able to do your job well. She said you're a good cop and a good person, and she wants you to do your job well so more people can be safe in Hawaii and not have bad things happen like what happened to her. And to be a good cop you've got to 'let go' of your guilt. She said it won't be easy, but you can do it. She WANTS you to do it. To do it for her."

Oh Lord…..

Katie continued to look at Steve, he tried to assimilate what she had asked. No, he knew exactly what she said, what she meant. There was a tingly feeling all around them. Katie seemed not to notice nor be unnerved by it. Steve knew there was something serious happening, for him. Katie waited. Steve didn't say anything. Katie waited, not impatiently. Steve knew what his answer had to be…

Finally, he was able to reply, unsteadily, weakly, he said, "I'll try.."

And Katie kept that stare for a long time. Then she pursued her lips together very tightly for a while before she spoke quite seriously. "No, Mr. McGarrett, that's not good enough."

Startled, taken aback, Steve didn't know what to say…

She continued to look at him minutes longer…

"Mr. McGarrett, you said you'll TRY. That's not good enough. Annie says you can and have to make a choice. That it IS a choice. You can choose to remain with guilt feelings, or you can choose to let them go. If you keep them , you can't do what she wants, to be the best cop. If you want, if you CHOOSE, you CAN let them go, and move on. To TRY is not good enough It's not enough for Annie.."

Oh LORD!

Tears brimming in his eyes, almost overflowing… a shaky, quiet, "Okay, Katie … Annie, I WILL do it."

Katie continued to hold his gaze, he couldn't look away if he tried. Finally, she smiled brightly, and said, "You know, Mr. McGarrett, my Momma says it's okay for big people to cry, not just ladies but even men. Annie says it's okay, too."

That did it, the dam broke…the tears flow, freely, copiously, plentiful, cleansing. So cleansing to his tormented spirit. And Katie wrapped her thin little girl arms around his neck and held him tight for a long time, whispering reassurances every now and then in his ear.

Danny had been keeping an eye on his friend from across the room. He had almost gone over when Katie first approached him to stop her from annoying Steve, but something held him back. He watched, and with his tight bond with Steve, he could sense tremendous energy there, good energy. Fear, trepidation, he could feel it and see it in Steve's face, but knew this was a good thing. And then almost wave-like, when the release came, Danny knew it was good, very good….

On the ride home ("Home, Danny, no need to go back to Queens.."), Steve was quiet, but not in a depressed way, more a reflective, meditative mood. Steve had shared what had transpired during his conversation with Katie.

"God, Danno, where'd that kid get her PHD in Psychology? She did me more good than a year with a shrink would have!"

The rest of the drive spent in silence, enjoying the beautiful Hawaiian scenery…

Steve was okay.

The End

And now, from the author, a bit of philosophizing… please read on.