The next few days passed much like the last few days at Angie's.
His fever rose and fell, although it never reached seriously high levels, and though his overall health continued to improve, his cough worsened to bronchitis. It got so bad that he actually asked Doctor Perry if he could sleep in the med-bay until he could get through the night without coughing.
Tony wasn't happy about that, knowing that it probably stemmed from his father's accusation about Lucas keeping them awake. He couldn't deny to himself that he appreciated it, Lucas had been really bad for a while, but their quarters just didn't feel the same without him. Oddly, both he and Dagwood seemed to find it harder to sleep without him there. After a week, Lucas returned to their rooms with his cough lessened, if not completely gone, and feeling considerably better.
Doctor Perry decided that spending all day on his own with nothing to do was not good for his mental state. Realizing his need to be a contributing member of the crew, she put Lucas back on light duty. He was ordered to take frequent breaks and to leave the bridge whenever he became overtired. Neither she or anyone else believed that he would do that, but she figured that there were enough people there to watch out for him.
He was welcomed back enthusiastically. He had been helping crewmembers with their computer problems whenever he could, but despite that, a huge number of problems seemed to have arisen in his absence. He was equally excited to get back to work, and, as they had expected, had to be reminded to take breaks and ordered off the bridge at the end of his shift.
Things started to feel normal again. He was happier working again, and the SeaQuest definitely ran better with him there. Even Captain Hudson was pleased with the ship's efficiency.
However, there was still the matter of the prison incident to discuss. The captain and Tony had discussed it with Doctor Perry. None of them liked that Lucas had never talked about it with anyone, but they wanted him to recover from his flu and bronchitis before they confronted him about it.
With the improvement in his health and his return to light duties, it seemed a good time to confront him.
Captain Hudson asked him to stop by his quarters after his shift, and when he arrived he found Tony and Doctor Perry there. He was instantly on the alert.
He paused in the doorway, sensing a trap.
"Come in," Hudson ordered.
He moved into the room, looking wary.
"Would you like some tea?"
Lucas shook his head, thinking how unlikely it seemed that Hudson would drink tea.
"We wanted to discuss something with you." Hudson paused, uncomfortable. He didn't like this sort of thing. He hated emotional exchanges, and this was likely to be extremely uncomfortable. But he had to do this, it was his responsibility and partly his fault.
Being careful not to look at Tony, Hudson began, "I recently found out the details of your imprisonment with the UEO." Panic stricken eyes turned towards Tony and Doctor Perry.
"Yes, they know."
For a moment, Lucas went completely white. He closed his eyes and they saw his nails dig into the arms of his chair. He took a deep breath, and then surprised them all by speaking first.
"I have an idea about how to upgrade the communication system."
Whatever Hudson had been expecting him to say, it wasn't that. Perry and Tony were a little more used to his ability to change the subject when he was uncomfortable, but Hudson was intrigued.
"Go on." The others looked at Hudson, surprised.
Lucas looked relieved. "With the changes in technology, I can make the PALs smaller. I was thinking that we could make them wearable, like watches. I've been working on plans for a prototype, I just need to make some changes to the existing communications system."
Hudson nodded. "Will there be much disruption?"
"It should be minimal."
"Alright. When do you want to try it?" Tony and Perry looked on in disbelief.
"With your permission, I can start working on it tomorrow."
"Good, permission granted. It will help take your mind off what we're about to discuss."
Lucas looked horrified.
"Please tell me you don't think I can be distracted that easily. This is something we need to talk about."
Lucas' voice was a whisper. "Why?"
"Because just the idea of talking about it upsets you."
"No!"
Hudson sat down. "You're trembling, your voice is unsteady and you're white as a sheet."
Doctor Perry took over. "Lucas, have you talked to anyone about what happened?"
He shook his head, and his breath started to come in panicked gasps. Tony, who had seen this before, grabbed his chin and made him look him in the eye.
"Hey, c'mon, calm down, it's okay. You can do this." He spoke as though he was gentling a horse, Hudson thought.
Tony looked at Perry, who was waiting to help. "Could he get some water?"
As Perry moved to fill a glass, Tony spoke to him in quiet tones. "Lucas, you need to talk about this."
His ragged breathing turned into coughing, and he was gasping for breath once again. Tony handed him the water and he took a sip, although his hands shook so badly it was a miracle it reached his lips.
"Better?" asked the doctor.
He didn't nod or answer. Of course he wasn't better, this was the worse thing that could happen. It was bad enough that it had happened, but when no-one else knew he could pretend that it hadn't.
But now they knew, and he didn't think he could bear them looking at him.
Perry tried again. "Lucas?"
"Please...no," he murmured to the floor.
Tony tried. "Lucas, please, you gotta talk about this."
"Don't make me do this," he looked his friend in the eye, "please don't make me do this..."
He couldn't stop shaking. He looked up, and everyone was staring at him in sympathy, even Hudson looked sorry, the emotion looking foreign on his face.
Doctor Perry tried again. "I'm so sorry, Lucas, we don't want you to be hurt, but you can't bottle this up. It will eat away at you like poison."
He thought of how apt her analogy was. It was eating him like poison, but it was deep within him, it couldn't be drawn out now.
"I can't..." He tried another way. "Captain Hudson, you can't make me do this!"
"No Ensign, I can't. But if I think that something is affecting the well-being of one of my crew, then I will act accordingly."
His matter of fact tone steadied Lucas. Instead of panic, Lucas started to feel angry.
"You think that if I talk about it now it will all go away and everything will be better in the morning? It won't! They had no right to arrest me, you had no reason to leave me there!" He was shouting now, he couldn't stop himself. "You were there, you could have done something, you left me there. Just me, no one else got arrested, it was only me that got put in that...place. WHY?"
Hudson swallowed. He'd asked himself that question.
"I don't know. You weren't meant to be held with the rest of the prisoners. We needed information and we thought you had it. You were the first to come back. Then everyone else appeared, and the seaQuest was found, and we just...forgot about you."
Lucas hadn't expected him to answer, let alone answer so honestly. Tears started to run down his cheeks, and he wiped them away angrily.
"I requested your release about the time you were escaping. No-one told me any of the details, I only found out recently. I'm sorry. I wish I had known before."
"Why? What difference would that have made?"
"It would have stopped me from forcing you to join the UEO. If I'd known, I wouldn't have accepted your enlistment. I would have given you more time to work things out."
Lucas looked down at his chair. "I wanted to be on the seaQuest. I have to be on the seaQuest. It's my home."
There was silence for a moment.
"Why did you sign up, after what happened?"
"You said I couldn't be here if I was a civilian. I had to."
"But after that...!"
"There wasn't anywhere else I could go...my parents weren't around anymore and the captain..." His voice hitched in his throat. He swallowed a sob, and tried again. "The captain didn't want me anymore, he didn't even tell me he was leaving."
After so long saying nothing, he suddenly couldn't stop the words from rushing out.
"I thought, if I could find the captain, he would see something was wrong and I could talk to him...tell him...but he didn't even seem to see me, he just talked about Michael. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to say something but...he left. There was no-one else I could tell."
Tony took his shaking hands. "You coulda told me, I'd have listened."
"We never really talked about serious stuff. I thought you might have laughed."
Tony gaped at him. "You didn't really believe that I would laugh? That ANYONE would laugh about this?"
Lucas shrugged.
Doctor Perry asked, "There was no-one else you could tell? What about Tim? Or Lonnie?"
"Tim doesn't like the emotional stuff. It's why we get on so well, he leaves me alone. And I couldn't tell Lonnie about...that."
She was starting to see what he wasn't saying. "Lucas, this wasn't your fault. You know that, right? This wasn't something you could have prevented, or that you should be ashamed of."
He looked down again, and they saw a flush in his cheeks. He was ashamed. He hadn't done anything to stop it, and he was ashamed of his helplessness.
"I should have fought harder."
In a firm voice, Hudson spoke. "Soldier!"
Lucas looked up, startled.
"This could have happened to anyone. It could have been Mr. Piccolo or Commander Ford just as easily."
Seeing the disbelieving look in Lucas' eyes, he continued, "I saw pictures of the men involved. They were large men and skilled fighters. Anyone would have difficulty fighting them. The shame in this instance belongs to the UEO, to Secretary General McGath and to myself, for creating that situation. For my part, I'm sorry."
Lucas' moods were flying everywhere, and suddenly he was filled with anger again.
"You're sorry? You're SORRY? Is that meant to make everything better? Maybe we should grab a guitar and sing a few verses of Kumbaya, 'cause everything is better now that we've talked and you're FUCKING SORRY!"
He was shouting, he was so angry. He had been angry for so long now, but he had kept it inside and now it was all coming out. He was furious, he was shaking with it, he couldn't stop.
"I didn't even know what year it was! I passed out at McGath's feet, and when I come to I find out I've been arrested and I don't even know what for! Then I'm being interrogated about stuff I have no memory of, and the next thing I know I'm being grabbed, and then...and then..."
"Do you have any idea what it felt like? I got blood all over me, I feel so fucking dirty! Blood was in my mouth and I can still taste it! I don't think I can ever wash it off! I can't wash HIM off! His hands were all over me and I can't ever forget that feeling, I feel it all the time! I try to not think about it, but I can't. I feel so sordid and worthless, and nothing I can do can change that!"