I was so bored that I actually read that note from my future self. Yes, it got that desperate. I can't think of what sort of boredom could have befallen me to do such a stupid and pointless thing.

"Please thank Asahina-san, slap Koizumi, take care of Nagato, watch closer over Haruhi, and slap Koizumi again."

Well, I suppose I could go and slap Koizumi, the guy who has the power to destroy giants and create miniature suns to fight giant cockroaches, for no reason at all. Yeah, that sounds pretty sensible. Anything else to say, O Highly Revered Future Self? Man, he sounds like an idiot...

"Here is a chocolate bar. Do not offer it to anyone. Treat it as something highly important and dangerous, such as a TPDD."

The TPDD, Asahina-san's time machine, also known as the Temporal Plane Destruction Device. Ah, so what do we have here? The Chocolate Bar of Molecular Destruction? Really, how discreet, future self.

"It is discreet. You will get looks and a confiscation if you carry around that gun Nagato gave you when Haruhi disappeared from the world, but it's perfectly normal if you're carrying a bar of chocolate in your back pocket."

Good point. Okay, all I have to do is make sure my little sister doesn't steal it from me.

"And please check your pockets before you do any laundry, got it? Thank you."

Out of curiosity, I took our the Chocolate Bar of Molecular Destruction and yawned.

It seemed pretty ordinary.

"That is an ordinary chocolate bar," I heard a monotonous voice behind me and turned around. Nagato was standing at the entrance of the clubroom.

"Oh, hey Nagato," I tried not to sound shaky. She nodded, her face expressionless as usual. "Do you know what this is for?" I waved it.

She paused before answering, "It is an ordinary chocolate bar," then returning to her corner and reading. She seemed as though she thought I was playing a terrible joke. I sighed.

"Actually, it is a nuclear bomb," she finished, "which will explode upon immediate consumption."

I gaped. My future self had handed me such a dangerous object? Was he truly an idiot?

Then I realized it was another of Nagato's jokes, delivered without any change in expression or hints they were jokes.

"Nagato..."

Just then, I heard loud footsteps. Immediately I shoved the Chocolate Bar of Molecular Destruction into my back pocket and tried to look casual. Haruhi burst into the room, grinning from ear to ear. I sighed.

"I have an awesome idea!" she yelled. Then she noticed it was just Nagato and me. "Hey, Kyon, you weren't doing anything weird with Yuki, right?" she gave me a suspicious glance. I shook my head. No, besides handling nuclear chocolate bar bombs of molecular destruction and reading notes from my idiot future self, I don't think so. "Anyway, I have such a great idea, quick, go get Mikuru and Koizumi!"

With that, Haruhi somehow grabbed me by the collar and hauled me out the door.

Somehow, Haruhi managed a ten-minute walk while dragging my extra weight in what seemed about ten seconds. I sighed.

"Quick, grab hold of him!" Haruhi ordered. She ran at Koizumi, then made a sharp turn and started to exit the classroom. I had a half-second to choke on my tie and make an urgent gesture at him. Immediately Koizumi stood up, nodded, and called out "Bathroom Emergency!" then ran after Haruhi and I.

Seriously, Koizumi, you really have got to work on your acting. I should have known, the way you kiss up to Haruhi should have tipped me off.

"Mikuruuuu!" Haruhi yelled, dashing into the girls' bathroom while dragging me. Girls screamed and tried to cover up. I rolled my eyes and sighed.

"B-but I'm not ready!" Asahina-san yelped. I covered my eyes.

"Ehhh? But we've been waiting for long enough! Look here, Kyon has been waiting for you!" Haruhi whined.

Excuse me? Who dragged who in here?

So, Haruhi rushed out of the girls' bathroom with screams of indignation as to girls threw their PE clothes and shoes at me. Koizumi rejoined us and quickly walked back to the classroom.

"Geez! You guys dared to be late!" Haruhi complained. "If you're going to be late, then say so, so I don't have to fetch you! Got it? If you're later than you said you would be, I'll go after you!"

I rolled my eyes.

Haruhi cleared her throat. "Alright, I have a biiig surprise for you guys, so you have to be five minutes late, okay? Otherwise you'll see it and it'll all be for nine!"

Don't you mean 'for naught'?

"We are going to look-" Haruhi paused and grinned, "for espers!"

I couldn't help but look at Koizumi. He nodded and answered, "What a great idea. I have always wanted to meet one since I was a child."

Yes, you idiot, and I suppose Asahina-san's favorite movie is Back to the Future and Nagato adores 2001: A Space Odyssey.

"Yes! We are going to find an esper! An esper! Next, we'll go after aliens, and time-travelers, and maybe even a slider!"

Please, no. I don't think I could handle another weirdo.

"A-aliens?" Asahina-san asked nervously.

"Yes, Mikuru! Aliens! Aliens!" Haruhi answered, grinning and hugging her. Asahina-san yelped as Haruhi tickled her.

Seriously, Haruhi...if you ever become a boy, you certainly will get some very weird looks just for behaving normally.

"And when we find him, we'll throw him in the club room and lock him up and feed him black bread and water until he gives us information!"

I made a mental note to teach Koizumi how to pick locks and to hire Nagato to transfigure black bread into onigiri.

"Him?" Asahina-san asked nervously.

"Of course it'll be a him! We have two males and three cute girls in this club, why shouldn't we get another male?" Haruhi suggested.

I calculated quickly.

Mention of slider + subconscious desire for a new male club member + desires to become a boy + extreme boredom + desire to find a living breathing esper=

1. Koizumi's identity comes out.

2. We meet a male slider who joins our club.

3. Haruhi becomes a boy with esper or slider powers

4. I become a slider

5. What about that mysterious person I met, with the chocolate bar? This reminds me of what Asahina-san (Big) mentioned, about predetermined events.

6. Koizumi becomes a slider

I gulped. Koizumi was also doing the math and he, being better than I at math, was starting to look a little pale. I would have too if I was him. Especially with the black bread and water thing. Would Haruhi really starve him? Probably. Well, Koizumi, at least she hasn't mentioned anything about Siberia, Alcatraz or Chateau D'Îf yet.

"First, we have to look for strange signs of activity!" Haruhi whispered. "I know, we'll go ask Tsuruya-senpai for help! The more the merrier, right? But Kyon, don't try anything funny with Tsuruya-senpai, got it?" Haruhi stuck her face at me and sent me her trademark "It's either you or me" glare.

I guess I won't try anything funny, Haruhi, so long as you don't either.

"What do you mean? I never try anything funny! I'm always serious! Right, Mikuru?" Haruhi demanded. Asahina-san made an adorable eep of surprise and nodded quickly, her face flushing.

"So, you guys better be here late by five minutes, and if you're too late, I'll write you down in the Doomsday Book! Got it?" Haruhi demanded, her tone meaning business.

"I guess I'll just have to, I don't really have anything to do," Koizumi coolly answered. Haruhi grinned delightedly. Honestly, those two would make the perfect pair, what with Koizumi always saying the right things and Haruhi always getting what she wants from him.

"Well, good!" Haruhi yelled. "It's going to be real, real, real great!" She hollered before running out and slamming the door. "I'll prepare it!"

Well, well, well, she finally stopped locking us in like a cage of rats.

I turned towards Koizumi.

"I think you know what we need to do now," I said.

"I guess so," he answered smiling brightly as usual.

"Let's see...I got enough money to buy about three sandwiches, which we can hide in that nook Haruhi never uses, do you have any guides of lockpicking? Too bad you can't teleport or use your powers outside of closed space...if we just buy you a bag of rice, could you survive?"

"I suppose...it we bought a stove, and asked Asahina-san where she gets her water for the tea..."

"Tea!" Asahina-san squeaked. She immediately ran out of the room. Koizumi and I locked eyes for a moment, then both rushed after her. We followed her until we reached the girls' bathroom.

"..."

Just as Asahina-san entered, a barrage of girls peaked out and stared at us.

"That's the guy who was standing outside of the bathroom!" One pointed at Koizumi.

"There! There's the Peeping Tom!" Some girls pointed at me. I grabbed Koizumi's hand, and hissed "Run!" As we ran back to the club room, we were pelted with shoes, combs, books, socks, sprayed at with deodorant, and yelled at.

Haruhi, give me your powers! I thought desperately, and somehow we made the fifteen minute walk in five seconds.

When we returned, Asahina-san was letting out a sigh of relief and offering Nagato green tea. We sat down, and I gasped for air. Asahina-san gave me tea.

"Thank you so much," I gasped.

"Mhm," Asahina-san smiled. "If I don't make any tea, I don't feel right."

"Alright, Koizumi," I sighed, "can you survive on Asahina-san's tea and rice? I'll try to sneak you some takoyaki or ramen if possible.

"That need...not happen, if we can prevent Suzumiya-san from...discovering anything," Koizumi answered, trying to hide how he was exhausted.

"I know," I said suddenly.

"What?" Koizumi asked.

"It's easy, Koizumi. We can do something without her learning anything."

Koizumi smiled in a way that showed he did not believe me at all, with strawberries and cream on top.

"Listen," I said, "there's a loophole we can take advantage of that fits all the requirements of Haruhi's subconscious desires..."