Whoo boy, I've been away for a while! Let's just say distraction came in the form of Yu Yu Hakusho, Pandora Hearts, and Kuroshitsuji. At any rate, my Hellsing fandom is refilled, and I'm ready to go back to this fic!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, and regret nothing. No, not even using these characters for cheap laughs.

It had finally happened.

The time had come.

Integral Faibrook Wingates Hellsing finally had her driver's license.

Now, while that may not seem that great of a feat to some, to the sixteen year-old, it was a monumentous occasion, And so, here she sat, behind the wheel of the car, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel, waiting for the light to change. Behind her, an impatient driver honked his horn, oblivious to the warm colored light hanging from a street post, barring their way. Irritated at the man's ignorance, Integra muttered to herself.

"Oh please, it's a red light idiot. Sit there and be patient."

"I can do something about it if you'd like Master."

Integra sighed and resisted the urge to smack her head against the steering wheel. After the numerous, albeit funny, mishaps that had occurred on the road to getting her driver's license, Integra would have thought that her pet vampire would want to steer clear of cars altogether. Apparently, her servant was a glutton for punishment. Not that this surprised her.

"No Alucard, that isn't necessary."

Cue a pouting vampire in the backseat. "Please?"

"Alucard. It's broad daylight, in the middle of public, and we're on a very busy street. Someone is bound to remember a strange man with a large gun shooting the driver of the vehicle behind him. No."

The last word came out through gritted teeth. Did he enjoy annoying her? Integra sighed again. I really should know that answer to that question by now. She thought. Alucard chuckled. Then, another thought struck the young Hellsing, and forgetting about the stuck light in front of her, turned around to face her pet vampire.

"By the way, what are you doing up in the middle of the day? Shouldn't you be at home, sound asleep in your coffin?"

A smile, followed by "I like accompanying you on your travels Master. Is there anything wrong with that?"

"Other than the fact that by being here right now, you're defying vampire logic?"

"My kind don't have logic. You know that."

"True."

A chorus of car horns cut their conversation short. Integra jumped, much to the amusement of her servant.

"For God's sake, the light's still red!"

"Actually it's green now. Whatever that means." Alucard said, leaning forward and pointing. Aggravated, Integra hit the gas, satisfying the impatient drivers behind her.

The drive remained silent until they were on one of the back roads, and Alucard suddenly yelled, "Squirrel!"

Integra looked down just in time to see the bushy-tailed rodent, frozen in fear, staring up at the huge metal monster rushing towards it. She let out a yell, then swerved violently to the right, avoiding the squirrel, and went right into the other lane…of oncoming traffic. Integra took her hands off the wheel for a moment and tried to still her fluttering heart. At least she hadn't hit the squirrel.

"Uh, Master?"

"What is it now, vampire?"

"Well, don't look now, but there appears to be another car coming…and it's heading straight for this car."

As if on cue, the distant sound of a horn blaring snapped Integra's attention back to the road. Not even bothering to look up, she backed up and swerved back into the correct line. A few moments later, the car in the opposite lane rushed past, the driver yelling at her as he went on by. Second crisis of the day averted, Integra pressed down on the accelerator and sped on her way. Silence hung in the air; the human in the driver's seat concentrating on the road, and the vampire in the backseat staring blankly out at the passing scenery. When they were a few miles down the road, Integra spoke.

"Honestly, this is the last time I let you come with me when I go driving."

"What? Why Master? You were the one who pulled into the lane of on-coming traffic."

"Only because somebody yelled 'Squirrel!'!"

"You didn't have to swerve clear into the other lane."

"Oh, so it would have been better if I'd just hit and killed the poor thing?" Unbeknownst to Integra, the more she lost her temper, the more her foot pressed down the gas pedal. She and her servant continued to bicker for a good five miles down the road, where they zoomed past a speed trap, set by a craft police officer. The speed of the car driving by blinked in green lights on the device used to measure the speed of passing cars. Seventy-three miles per hour! The cop whistled and pulled onto the road. What a lead foot he had here.

Meanwhile, in the car with Alucard and Integra, the argument had shifted from the road to the house, both parties unaware of their pursuer.

"Alright then! Justify your reasons as to why you constantly feel the need to invade my privacy!'

"Appearing in your dreams isn't an invasion of privacy now."

"Dreams reside in the depths of my mind while I sleep, therefore they are private!"

"You're just upset because I happened to enter into what you would dub 'a romantic dream'."

"Which you ruined!"

"Hey, how was I supposed to know your dream wasn't going to turn into a nightmare, and the guy holding you wasn't going to hurt you?"

"Because it's a dream stupid! I swear, I've heard of being over-protective, but there's a limit."

"There is no limit where you are concerned, Master."

"Well, look, that's flattering but-"

"Say, what are those lights flashing behind-"

Bweoooop! (A/N: For the sake of your brain cells, please pretend that is the noise a police siren makes.)

Integra glanced in the overhead mirror and groaned. A police car, how wonderful. Muttering under her breath, she pulled off onto the shoulder, the cop following close behind like a loyal dog. As Integra turned off the ignition, she heard the cop get out of his car and shut the door. She rolled down the window and tried to hide her growing anger, mostly aimed at the snickering vampire in the back seat. The officer leaned down and looked in at Integra,

"Good afternoon Miss."

"H-Hello officer." Integra replied.

The officer smiled. "Now Miss, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Was that supposed to be a joke? Was he mocking her? He knew she had no idea! The nerve if this man! Taunting the person who was responsible for giving him a peaceful, vampire free sleep! Fool. Her teeth began to creak from her grinding them, and she had about had it with Alucard and his quiet3 chuckling. Pull it together Integra. You can just ignore him. Now…calm… she thought, taking a deep breath before responding.

"No officer, I don't."

"Well Miss, I clocked you doing seventy-three miles per hour. Now, can you tell me what the speed limit is on this road here?"

The speed limit? Of this road? Oh hell… She'd passed a sign when she and Alucard had been arguing, but she hadn't taken any notice of it. Well, best to venture a guess then.

"Erm…sixty?"

The cop clucked his tongue. "Close, sixty-five. You were going eight miles over. You're lucky I caught you after the speed limit change. About ten miles back from here, before you hit that sign, the speed limit's fifty-five. Had I caught you there, I would have had to write you up for reckless driving."

Shit, now she was going to get a ticket for speeding. Luckily (or perhaps not, at least from Integra's point of view) it wasn't reckless driving. If she did get a ticket, she could clear that from her record. She turned her ice blue eyes on the cop, trying to act like the innocent teenage girl she knew she was not.

"I guess this means I get a ticket now."

"Sadly, yes." The cop said, smile growing even broader. Damn it! He was supposed to say, 'Well if this is your first offense, I suppose I can let it go.' Must have been one ticket away from meeting his quota. A piece of yellow paper shoved itself under her nose.

"Now Miss, if you'll please pay the price by the date listed on the ticket there, I don't think you'll have any further problems. That is, if you keep your eye on your speedometer that is."

"She snatched the ticket. "Yes, thank you."

"Alright then, have a good day."

"You too."

She waited until the cop had driven away before smacking her head on the steering wheel. She didn't want to look at the price on that ticket. Great, she'd pissed off a bunch of drivers at a red light, nearly hit a squirrel, had nearly gotten hit herself, and now had a speeding ticket to pay off. And all thanks to her damned vampire! Speaking of which… Integra turned around and eyed her vampire with a freezing glare. He, in turn, gave her a butter melting smile.

"Something troubles you Master?"

"Aside from all that snickering you were doing, you were oddly quiet."

"Why add to the already wonderful comedy unfolding before me? I thought you and that police officer were doing fine on your own."

"Git."

Alucard let a dark chuckle chill the air inside the car. "Ah, how I love it when you call me names Master."

Integra turned around and started the car. "Whatever, I'm going home."

"Of course."

"Oh shut up!"

Approximately one hour later….

Walter looker up as he heard the front door slam. Well, to say it slammed wasn't entirely correct, but it did shut rather hard. The Hellsing butler finished drying the plate he was holding, set it in the cupboard, and went out of the kitchen to greet his lady. In the foyer, a young Sir Integra Hellsing was striding angrily for the stairs, her vampire not far behind. From his distance, he could see Alucard's lips move, and Integra round on him in fury. Walter sighed. Integra he could see, but Alucard, honestly, why couldn't he just act his age? Or rather, the age an unknowing bystander would assume him at? Better make his presence known, lest the argument drag on. He stepped further into the room and cleared his throat.

"Welcome home, Sir Integra."

"Oh, hello Walter." She acknowledged him, but the ice had not completely left her tone. Walter wondered what had happened during her outing that had made her so upset. She rarely ever let her anger linger long enough to let a remark to him be infected by its tone. He brushed it off as another one of thos Alucard after effects/.

"Walter?"

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

"I'm going to my office now."

Walter nodded. "I'll prepare some Ceylon tea right away."

"Thank you." She said, and turned from him. He watched her depart. Although the ice in her tone had melted, her anger was still evident in the way she walked. After she had rounded the corner and was well out of earshot, Walter turned to the vampire.

"Alright, now what did you do?"

Alucard held up his hands in a 'Who, me?' gesture. Walter did not grace him with a response. The nosferatu chuckled.

"Our lovely little mistress had a little run-in with the law earlier this afternoon."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, she got what's called a speeding ticket, or something of that sort. I wasn't really paying attention."

"And I'm guessing we can somehow trace this back to you."

"Why does everyone assume I'm the culprit?"

"Are you?"

"Most of the time, yes."

Walter sighed and shook his head.

Sorry if this wasn't as funny. At any rate, keep the comments flowing in.