Journal of Clara Oswald- 27th December, Lissa Nebula, somewhere in deep space
Me said this would help. This journal. Apparently it would help "get my feelings out". Good luck with that one. Sometimes, I wish I could rewind all of this. A tiny part of me wishes that I'd never met the Doctor. A huge part of me wishes that I'd said no to the Doctor when he asked me to travel with him again after the Dream Crabs. One part regrets absolutely nothing. Maybe this was always supposed to happen. It started when we first met and I called him looking for the internet.
How stupid that seems when I look back. If only I'd worked out how to use the WiFi then I would never have met the Doctor. Or I hadn't got that number from Missy. Little things that build up to something so much bigger. The snowball effect. I talked to the Doctor about it one day.
"What would have happened if I never met you?" I was trying to get his attention as he was still crying over The Time Traveller's Wife {the book} He looked up abruptly.
"Why would you want to know that?" He asked quietly.
"Bored" I picked at my space cheese sandwich
"Well. I would probably be dead and so would Amy and Rory"
"Why?"
"Oswin. Your echo". He went back to pulling tissues out of the box, silently crying.
Maybe I shouldn't think about the would have beens and should have beens. It screws with your mind and I'm really not up for that. I might write about my adventures with the Doctor. If my memory fades, I still have my adventures with him.
I think I'm rambling to keep this diary entry going. Since I have nothing else to write about, I might as well write about….. Well, what do I write about? There is so much to remember. Adventures with Eleven. But more adventures with Twelve.
2 hours later
I fell asleep and had a nightmare about the Raven. It was in slow motion, me walking towards it. I couldn't stop it and it was like something else was controlling my body. The Raven flew towards me and then I felt the pain. My mouth opened in a silent scream but nothing came out. I felt the smoke pour out of my mouth before the darkness engulfed me. This is what is going to happen when I face the Raven finally. When I go back to Gallifrey.
Some people would say that I'm too young to die and maybe I am. 29 years old. And I always will be. No aging, no growing older ever again. I'd always planned to leave the Doctor one day. I think I realised too late that it was an addiction and I could never leave. I'd always thought that me and Danny could maybe have kids one day. Before he died of course.
I'm about to make a confession. A huge confession. One I never even told my dad or the Doctor. I was pregnant when Danny died. That was why I was phoning him. I didn't have the courage to tell him in person. But after the shock and trauma of what happened- I had a miscarriage. I didn't have the courage to tell Dad or Gran what had happened. Does that make me a coward? They told me it was a boy. I've had enough posing philosophical questions for one day. I don't know if this has helped me or not to be perfectly honest. Maybe I'll write again, maybe I won't. If anybody is reading this, I'm sorry if this entry was a complete piece of shit. I'm new to this diary writing world.
Clara