Chapter Summary: Katniss and Peeta begin their Victory Tour, she has an important conversation with Haymitch and has a temper tantrum.

My face broke into a huge smile that cracked my face. I never smiled like that. I started walking and then broke into a run and Peeta caught me and spun me around before slipping on the ice and we fell onto the snow. I fell on top of him and I kissed him. It was the first time we had kissed since that disastrous kiss right after the Games when we had been playing for the cameras. It was full of fur and snowflakes and lipstick, but underneath it all, I could feel the steadiness that Peeta brought to everything. I knew I wasn't alone. No matter how little I did or how cold and unfriendly I could be he would never expose me in front of the cameras. He wouldn't condemn me with a half-hearted kiss even if I messed the other one so badly he thought I was repulsed by him. He was still looking out for me just as he had in the arena. It made me want to cry. I didn't deserve this kind of care. I stood up and pulled him to his feet before tucking my hand in his arm and pulling him along. He smiled at me as if he hadn't seen me this morning but I could tell it wasn't his real smile. It was the same smile he used around his mother.

The day passed in a blur. I said goodbye to my family including Posy who cried and Rory and Vic who made rude suggestions behind my aunt's back. I ate a delicious meal on the train in a daze and then went to bed but not to sleep. I sat in my compartment waiting for everyone to go to bed. I knew Haymitch would be up until late in the night. He never slept when other people were around.

When I knocked on the door he glared at me and if it hadn't been so important I would have gone off in a huff. Maybe it would have been better to talk to Peeta. But talking to him about this made me feel sick with guilt and I didn't want to worry him. When I suggested that we get some air his eyes narrowed and I knew he knew this was important.

We walked outside as the train stopped for fuel and Haymitch stumbled. Whether he was playing it up for the Capitol attendant or he was genuinely unsteady didn't matter. As we walked to the end of the train I poured out my story.

"You can't fail then." He told me.

"If you could just help me get through this trip-" I began

"No, Katniss, it's not just this trip." He replied.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"Even if you pulled it off, they'll be back for the Quell and then every year afterward. Every year they will replay your romance and private life. You'll never ever be able to do anything but be living your happily ever after with that boy."

The implication hit me then. I had no choice but to marry Peeta and live with him as his wife. It didn't matter if I never wanted to marry. It didn't matter if I wanted to marry someone else. It didn't even matter if I wanted to marry Peeta someday. I had no choice. I would have to be in love with him forever. Even though I didn't know what being in love was and was sure I didn't want to. I would only have a few years with my mother and Prim before I would have to marry Peeta and live with him. That part wouldn't be so bad. He was kind and we were friends. But the Capitol had already made it clear that friends weren't good enough. We would have to be lovers, a real married couple and….

"Do you understand what I mean?" He pressed.

Yes, I understood. I would have to do the thing I most feared. I would have to marry Peeta if I wanted my family to survive.

As we walked back to the train Haymitch gave me a pat on the shoulder and said, "You could do a lot worse, you know."

"I know that. That's not the point. It's just…" I felt my voice trail off unable to explain myself.

"Don't fight it, girl. You might as well make the best of a shitty situation. I know you care about the boy. That'll go a long way." He went off to his compartment taking the smell of wine with him.

I went to my room and removed all my wet clothing except my underwear and crawled into bed. I stared into the darkness thinking about my conversation with Haymitch. I knew all he said was true. It was also true that I could do a lot worse than Peeta. That wasn't the point. The one freedom we had all had in District 12 was marrying who you wanted to or not marrying at all. Well, at least Seam people could. I heard that Merchants had to marry who their parents wanted. Even then they could do as my mother did. That freedom was taken away from me. And I knew somehow that President Snow would insist I would have children. And they would have to face the reaping. Except it would be even worse since the children of two victors would be sure to be in the games. Gale was always convinced they rigged the reapings and it would be sure to be rigged for me.

I thought of Haymitch and his drinking and how he had no family. He had never married even though with his wealth he could have married any woman in the district. He chose solitude. Well, not solitude, more like solitary confinement. It would be even worse with a child since I couldn't volunteer for them. The idea of a child of mine dying made me sick.

I began to think of a way out. I could kill myself. Or run away. Could I run and never been seen again? Could I take my family and run as Gale had proposed before the Reaping? But no…I couldn't get distracted like that. There was too much at stake to make wild escape plans. I needed to put up a good show.

Dawn came before sleep and Effie woke me up. Wearily I dragged myself out of bed to put on something and eat. Our first stop was District 11. That was the worst district but it just happened to be my first since 12 was usually first. But since I was from 12 they saved the Victors district for the last.

I tried to enjoy the food as my aunt recommended. The kitchen staff made lamb stew, orange juice, and hot chocolate. I ate a lot but I didn't enjoy it. Only Effie was there. When I asked her where everyone is she said that Haymitch was still sleeping, Cinna was up late organizing my clothing and the rest of the prep team was sleeping. It made me annoyed that he didn't have the same amount of prep as me.

I had to have all my hair ripped from my body while he slept in. I hadn't thought about it much but all the boys got to keep their body hair where the girls didn't. I could remember Peeta's now, as I bathed him by the stream. Very blond in the sunlight, once the mud and blood were washed away. Only his face was smooth. All the boys were smooth even after days in the arena. They must have done something to stop the hair. I wished they would do that with my legs even though feeling the soft down on my legs gave me a comforting sense of being myself.

The prep team dragged in looking like a national emergency had just occurred. They drank coffee and took bright pills. The only thing worse was probably my leg hair. I had to submit to having each hair pulled out of my body and then soak in a horrible smelling concoction. My skin felt raw and I resembled a plucked chicken. Damn Peeta. He didn't have to go through this to look attractive.

The prep team opined the fact that Cinna refused any "alterations" to me. The idea of being made into one of the Capitol's freak show combined with the pain of my body, my insomnia, my mandatory marriage and the terror of President Snow's demands. By lunchtime, everyone had started without me and I felt like a rock had settled on my chest. They raved about the food and the wonderful way they slept. Everyone was excited except Haymitch who looked as sour as I felt. I picked at my food feeling overwhelmed. I didn't look at Peeta. I knew it wasn't his fault that all this was happening but it still made it hard to be around him.

People tried to bring me into the conversation but I brushed them off. When the train stopped a server came in to inform us that there was a malfunction and the train would be delayed for at least an hour. That sent Effie into a frenzy and she pulled out her schedule and complained about how horrible it was and how it will hurt us for the rest of our lives. I just couldn't stand it.

"No one cares, Effie!" I snapped. Everyone stared at me even Haymitch which was crazy considering he hated Effie's manners just as much as I did. "Well, no one does!" I said as left the car.

The train was stifling and I felt queasy so I stepped out. The air was warm and balmy and the trees were still green. How far south had we come in a day? I walked along the track and began regretting what I said to Effie. She wasn't to blame for my problems and my outburst was rude and she prized good manners above everything. But I continued on despite the impulse to go back and apologize. I walked past the end of the train and sat down on the ground.

I heard footsteps behind me a little later. I assumed it was Haymitch coming to chew me out. I knew I deserved it and my mother or aunt would have been even worse but I still didn't want to hear it.

"I'm not in a mood for a lecture," I said picking a clump of weeds.

"I'll keep it brief then." Peeta took a seat beside me.

"I thought you were Haymitch."

"No, he's still working on the muffin." I watched as he positioned his artificial leg. "Bad day, huh?"

"It's nothing," I said.

"Sure it is. You're in even worse a mood than usual which is saying something."

I thought about telling him. But then I remembered how I knew I would have to marry him and I knew how guilty he would get over that. He would have to know sometime. But somehow I didn't want to ruin our dynamic right when we needed to be in sync. If he got nervous I wouldn't make it.

"It's just I didn't sleep last night and I feel so much pressure to behave the way they want me to behave," I answered.

"I know. I can't sleep myself. But we can just keep on doing what we've been doing. You can pretend to laugh at all my stupid jokes." He bumped my shoulder and smiled.

"You know that's not enough. It isn't ever enough." I replied.

I was so tired. I leaned back and rested my head against his shoulder. I didn't care if friends didn't do that kind of thing. I was too tired to do anything. He put an arm around me and rubbed my arm up and down soothingly.

"I believe in you. I'm sorry about all of this. I'm sorry I ever tried this Star-Crossed Lovers thing."

"It wasn't your fault. I was the one that pissed off the Capitol with the berries. They aren't mad at you."

"Well, I think we've convinced them. It will be ok." I wished that he was right. But he wasn't. I hadn't convinced them. Not at all.

" I was thinking that even though we've been friends for months and I know you'd risk your life to save mine but I don't know your favorite color."

In spite of myself, a smile lifted the corner of my mouth, "That's going too far."

"Then what do I have to do to get that classified information. How many cheese buns do you want?"

"In that case, green. It's green. What's yours?" I replied.

"Orange."

"Orange? You mean like Effie's wig?" I asked.

"No, more muted. Like a sunset."

Sunset. In my eye, I could see it. The way the lake looked as the sun settled behind the mountains. I also could remember the tiger lily cookie he had baked me and that brought up the conversation with President Snow. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell Peeta the whole story. But Haymitch clearly didn't want me to tell him.

"You know everyone is raving about your paintings but you haven't let me see a single one."

"You saw that one in my room. The other ones are a bit more…uhh…graphic. But there is a whole train car full of them." He rose and took my hand and gently tugged me towards the train. "Come on."

It felt nice to feel his hand in mine not just for show but in genuine friendship. When we weren't play acting for the cameras we never really touched. We walked back to the train hand in hand. At the door, I remembered, "I've got to apologize to Effie first."

"Don't be afraid to lay it on thick," Peeta told me. I wondered how many times he had tried that with his mother. Effie would probably be much easier to deal with then Mrs. Mellark. For all her faults Effie was affable.

We got back to the dining car and found all the others still at lunch. I gave Effie an elaborate apology that would have been deemed excessive and insincere by Seam standards but to her probably just barely compensated for my tremendous rudeness. But Effie was gracious in accepting it and said she understood I was under a great deal of pressure. Her lecture about someone attending to the schedule only lasted a couple of minutes. I was let off easy.

After she was finished Peeta led me into the train car with his paintings. I had forgotten about the one in his room that I had seen the night we had dinner with his parents. It had been beautiful and though I was not really interested in art I wouldn't have minded looking at that piece. I had half expected when I had learned Peeta was an artist, that he painted art resembling the flowers and greenery on cakes. Some of the Merchant girls had chests painted with simple flowers that they stored crockery and table linens. But the paintings that lined the walls and stacked neatly were very different. No wonder he had warned me.

Even the ones that didn't look like much were the scenes from the Games. They were beautiful, some of them, but to me, they brought everything back. I was everywhere; in a tree, beating a shirt against stones, lying in a pool of blood. One was particular and sent a wave of something down my spine. It was up close and only my face and neck showed. It looked as if my face had emerged from a silvery mist that entirely matched my eyes. It must have been the way I looked to his fever-racked mind. But there was something in the expression of dream Katniss that frightened me. She gazed so tenderly out with all her emotions clearly on display. Perhaps the fear came because it showed how much he still cared for me and perhaps because part of the expression in her eyes might not have been the figment of his imagination.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"I hate them," I replied. At his slight expression of hurt, I added, "They are so real. All I do is try to forget. How do you remember it so perfectly?" I could almost smell the scent of blood, dirt and festering wounds.

"I see them every night." He replied. I nodded and kept looking at the pictures. I wondered if the Capitol would find these pictures acceptable. Did they glorify the Games or did they subtly criticize them? Even Cato was rendered, not as a fierce warrior but as a suffering boy being torn to bits by the Capitol created mutts. The boy in the picture would never feel the relief of death. Instead, he would serve as a reminder of the pain that would never end.

"Does it help? To paint?"

"I don't know. Maybe? I think I'm a little less afraid of going to sleep at night. At least that's what I tell myself. The nightmares haven't gone anywhere."

"Maybe they won't. Haymitch's haven't."

"No, but at least I would prefer to wake up with a paintbrush in my hands than a knife."

I offered to show him my "talent" but we both laughed knowing that I could claim no credit for all but a couple of lumpy scarves. As the train lurched forward he pulled me forward and said, "We're almost to District 11. Let's go look."

We went to the last car where there were chairs and couches and even better large windows that could be opened so you could sit with the fresh air flowing around you. As we looked the fence came into view. It was at least 35 ft tall and had coils of barbed wire that I was sure was electrified. The base had metal plates ensuring that no one ever escaped. The watchtowers set every so often had armed Peacekeepers with their eyes trained on the fields strewn with wildflowers.

"That's something different," Peeta commented. We must have been both thinking it. My "profession" would be impossible in District 11. Rue had mentioned how strict things were in her district but I hadn't imagined this. As we passed the crops we could see men, women, and children wearing straw hats working in the fields. They turned to look at us before going back to work. A man stood nearby and grabbed a child and lashed him across the bottom with a long stick. In the distance, I could see the orchards and I wondered if that's where Rue worked. The houses were even more decrepit and run down than the Seam but they were deserted except for an old woman sitting on the ground. I couldn't believe the vastness of the District.

"How many people do you think live here?" Peeta asked but I only shook my head. In school, they referred to it as a large district but I realized that they must have a sub reaping as there was no way all these children would fit into the town square.

"It's so…"I started.

"Yeah." He replied.

How had little Rue survived? How did anyone in this district survive? And how did President Snow expect me to calm the tensions when their concerns were so much greater than just a girl and a handful of berries.

Author's Note: I just love the snow kiss in the movie so it is based on that. I think Katniss's conversation with Haymitch is really important. Her issue is being forced to get married not being upset over another guy like in canon. She just doesn't want to be married. You may notice a bit of aromanticism in her reaction. I see her as being demiromantic and right now everything is very confusing.

Then we get her little temper tantrum. I always thought it was so funny. I always wondered because it feels like Katniss is actually fond of Effie despite her annoying qualities. Obviously, Katniss's conversation with Peeta is very different since they are friends. But I did have to include the famous favorite color speech. I thought it was reasonable that considering their stress they might not have talked much about that kind of nonessential stuff. Plus Peeta is being a bit sassy which I like. He isn't afraid to tease her. I liked expanding on Peeta's paintings because they are one of the best ways to get his feelings from his POV. I was slightly inspired by the concept of "Suspended Animation" in which violent depictions can be used as a social commentary and warning. The dead continue to have a voice.