Lothering – Where We Learn We're Wanted in a Bad Way

Author's Note: If you're the sort who thinks that Loghain deserved not just death, but a nasty dismemberment, you may not be happy with the way this story goes. Just remember that Neria's tentative grasp of morality is such to make most bad guys cuddly in comparison.

Dear Diary,

So, Teryn Loghain wants me. Not quite in the way I was hoping for, but it's a start.

I have the worst taste in men imaginable. Let's go through the list so far.

Anders – Has creepy templar fetish

Many Mage Apprentices – Died in Harrowings. But probably to desire demons who looked like me, so it's it's actually sort of a win.

Jowan – Actually a blood mage. Even worse, thinks that fat cow is hot.

Duncan – Too stupid to take advantage of a situation.

Cailan – Complete and total moron.

Alistair – Mage hating celibate

Loghain – Wants me dead

Long list of past loves not so reassuring. To make myself feel better, I am just going to think "hot elven mage" again and again in my mind. This is the only way in which I will not go completely mad. That and I will reassure myself over the fact that my next dalliance will go far better. For this time I have not made the mistake of going after a man.

So far, on our walk from the Kocari Wilds to Lothering, I have learned a great deal about Morrigan. For instance, the fact that she can talk for a very long time if I keep asking her questions. And that she doesn't seem to notice when I'm not listening and instead imagining exactly how her breasts would feel in my hands. I have also come to understand that she hates men. I can almost taste her lips on mine. I'm that close.

Alistair, of course, has been moping. But this is hardly my fault.

The news that Loghain has placed a bounty on our heads really seemed to set him off. He claims that Loghain has stolen the throne, killed the rightful king (and more importantly Duncan. What does Alistair see in him? Hmmm...maybe they were lovers. That might explain Duncan's lack of interest...), and is all together a horrible person.

Now maybe I'm giving the man too much credit as so far he's the only person I've met since I left the Tower to compliment me, but it seems unlikely that Loghain actually wanted to kill Cailan. I mean, begging someone not to fight in the front lines and to have a few back up plans in place doesn't seem like what you'd do to them if you wanted them to die in battle. If that was what Loghain was after, I would have imagined that he'd have told Cailan that "real men fight naked".

Now that would be a sight...

Of course, I don't understand why he wants me dead. OK, Alistair, maybe, as he's really annoying. But why me? What have I ever done wrong?

Hmmm...well, I suppose there is the peculiar fact that me and Alistair are the only two to have escaped from Ostagar. And that we didn't light the beacon until two hours after we were given the signal, resulting in the death of half the army (and the king, and Duncan). And I suppose that we're from an order of warriors that are mostly from that foreign place that we were just at war with that seemed intent on convincing the king to behave like an idiot.

So, yeah, I guess it makes sense. If you didn't know about the tower being filled with darkspawn and our deus ex machina rescue by an abomination of legend, the logical explanation is that we ran off rather than do a really easy job. And that our desertion led to the deaths of thousands.

Not so good. I wonder if I could explain it. I can just imagine myself, kneeling before Loghain, a sad expression on my face, as I explain exactly what happened and how I apologize for my failure, but could he pretty please forgive me? There are so many delightful uses for a gorgeous elven mage...

OK, getting a bit ahead of myself there.

Still, I had no desire to screw over Ferelden. I prefer those I screw to be a bit less abstract in nature.

Sadly, as Alistair has pointed out to me, we can't just walk up to the royal palace and explain the whole situation (or in Alistair's rather silly concept of what is going to happen, kill Loghain).

Still, we'll see what I can do. The day is young. Surely there is some way to make this work out without getting myself killed or turned into a footnote regarding "the very nasty mage who unsuccessfully tried to destroy the kingdom".

All the same, my plans to be the most awesome Grey Warden and Mage ever are not off to the best start.

Well, no one said that there wouldn't be set backs. It'll make for some drama when the minstrels tell my tale. Right? Right?

Neria

Dear Diary,

So, we stopped by the inn for a drink and found that Loghain's men were waiting there for us.

"Awesome, could you bring us to him?" I asked, already imagining the situation. Oh, yes, I'd be hauled before him, probably in manacles. He might have to torture me so that he could trust that my improbable story was true. Run a leather riding crop over my exposed skin. Wrench my head up, snarl down at me, demand how he could trust a single word he heard from my lying little lips...

I think I need to learn to control my imagination.

Anyway, they refused and told me that they were just going to kill me, but they forgot that they were dealing with a mage. A few minutes later and they were just piles of goo on the carpet. Pity. One of them was rather cute.

Anyhow, some random nun who was hanging out at the bar then offered to join us because of some dumb vision she'd had. I told her no way in hell. I already have enough religion in this party thanks to the templar that I can't ditch. I am not taking along a nun as well. Particularly not one who is insane. I told her so, and she ran off.

Good riddance.

We started to leave the town just to find a giant trapped in a cage. For once in their lives, both Morrigan and Alistair agreed on something. So I decided to free him. Mostly as I know that they'll never agree about anything again.

Plus, the giant is rather handsome in a manly way. And you know what they say about big hands, big feet, big...And I'm sure that he'll want to reward me for my compassion in some way, won't he?

OK, so we're definitely freeing the giant. No questions asked.

The mother superior had the key, but even after I invoke the right of conscription, she wouldn't give it to me. So I threatened to turn her into a toad. Strange how that usually gets the desired response. Next thing I know, I've got a gorgeous hunk of a giant and a very pleased marsh witch.

Camp is looking better all the time!

So now just to ditch this crappy little town.

We got out almost without incident. I say almost as, of course, we had to wipe out a few waves of bandits. And then we were confronted with something even worse. That dumb nun from the bar. She was just waiting for us by the only road out and started begging me to take her along.

I really can't see any use for her. But at the same time, she's just going to keep whining and telling me about her crazy prophecies until I let her come along, so I relented. Maybe she can cook, at least.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So we made it to camp and I figured that as the leader, I got my pick of the party members. That's not saying much. Two of the party appear to be celibate. Even I'm not kinky enough to go for a dog. So that leaves a giant and a witch.

Ultimately, it would be the most fun to have them both together. But it seems prudent to try each one on for size individually, first. Then I'll introduce them once I think they're ready.

I figured that I'd start with the witch. She had conveniently set up camp away from the others, which seemed perfect from my point of view. Privacy should come in handy when we're both screaming out each others' names, right? Right?

Now for the opening gambit. "It's rather cold out here," I said. "Are you cold, too?"

Morrigan shook her head. "No, but you might consider stepping closer to the fire."

OK, so not working. Well, the woman probably is rather innocent, despite her having undressed me in her mother's hut. She might not have understood what I was implying. "I was thinking of another method of warming up."

"I'm sure that Alistair or Leliana has a blanket that they could loan you."

Again, she seemed to be missing the point.

I walked off to the other side of the camp to think up my next move when I saw a caravan with a few dwarves that I'd saved from bandits sitting by the road. I figured that I'd browse their goods just in case there was something interesting and found a gorgeous gold necklace. Now that could be the trick! I bought it and walked back to her.

"I saw this, and thought of you," I said, opening up my hands to reveal the necklace.

Morrigan was positively giddy over the gift. I asked to put it on her, and made sure that I brushed her neck with a delicate finger as I clipped the necklace on. As she rose, I let my hands skim her torso.

"What do you think you are doing?"

I would think that it was obvious. Poor Morrigan really has led such a sheltered life.

"I am just entranced by your beauty," I said.

The look she gave me was...peculiar. At last she said, "I do not see the point in dallying with another woman."

She really is an innocent.

Still, the look of disgust on her face made it fairly clear that I'm unlikely to have any further luck tonight. I'll let her sleep on the thought. Tomorrow I'm sure that all the advantages will come to her.

And while I was a bit disappointed in the outcome, I figured, OK, well, at least this gives me the perfect opportunity to try out my new party member...

Neria

Dear Diary,

So the attempted seduction of Sten didn't happen. I decided to bring things up a bit more bluntly than I had with Morrigan, seeing as he's a foreigner and all and unlikely to pick up on anything too subtle. Unfortunately, his response was that any attempt at mating was likely to result in my death.

I did remind him that I am a powerful mage and that I have a wide variety of healing spells at my disposal. He admitted that in that case, I might survive the process, but that I probably would not enjoy it.

Well, enjoying it is sort of the point. And I'm not very good at healing spells, so I decided that maybe I'd sleep alone tonight.

You'll notice that I'm using the past tense.

I was stuck on shift with Leliana. I'm not sure how, seeing as I made it fairly clear earlier that I found the woman to be absolutely insane. Then again, so did everyone else, and perhaps as the most formidable party member, they figured that they'd have her share her shift with me rather than someone else just in case she went from harmless and nutty to psychopathic.

Anyway, we got to talking. Or rather, I should say, Leliana got to talking. She spoke for nearly the entire three hour watch about her favorite fashions, what she thought was cute, and her favorite stories. By the end of our shift, I wanted to pull my own ears off just to make it stop.

Then she started talking about her time in the convent and about how gorgeous all the other women with their "forbidden fruit", and how the fact that they were off limits made them all the more appealing.

Now that's the kind of conversation I like!

I asked if her fruit was forbidden and after blushing for a bit, she admitted that she'd never actually taken vows.

I'm suddenly thinking that this naughty nun thing could work out.

Neria

Dear Diary,

So Leliana has been using me. She wants me to talk to this "Marjolene" who has been hunting her down and trying to kill her. When I asked why, I learned that Leliana's an ex-Orlesian spy.

Well, one more strike against us. I wonder how I'm going to manage to explain this to Loghain. Any story that doesn't involve me and Alistair being traitors is becoming more and more far fetched.

Then again, it would be absolutely treasonous of me to let an Orlesian spy slip out of my grip. She might be a valuable bargaining chip. As might this Marjolene.

Plus, I'm totally thinking hot lesbian menage a trois.

Maybe by then, I'll even have convinced Morrigan to come along and it can be a foursome. Oh, I can just picture it now...

I'll be in my tent,

Neria

Thanks to those who critique! You give me wonderful ideas and it makes me somewhat more motivated to keep writing. (Which I think I will need by the Deep Roads...) Special thanks to Arsinoe who I blatantly stole the idea that Leliana is an Orleisan spy from (as it totally makes sense). Also thanks to Enaid, Piceron, Sarah, Eva, Jenn, KimSmith, Draguna. If I was the sort of person to dot "i"s with hearts, you'd totally get them.