Home is where the heart is.
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG1 or Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters or other property. I write only to entertain not never make profit from this work or any of my other works.
Pairings: Rodney/ Sheppard friendship, Sam/Rodney friendship, Daniel/ Rodney friendship, SG1/AR1 friendship,
Warnings: suicide, self harm, depression.
AN: AU version of The Return (Season 3, Ep 10)
START
Rodney woke feeling better than he had for a while. How long had it been since he has been permitted a long proper sleep? Atlantis seemed to always require her saviour, her helper. Her guardian angel.
John arrived just as he had finished dressing in his new uniform, the uniform of Stargate Command. The feel of the fabric was so different – course unlike his blue uniform on Atlantis. As he checked himself in the mirror, he felt the hollow feeling of loss. Of missing something he once loved. No Atlantis patch. No team patch. It wasn't enough. He realised with a resounding sense of clarity. It wasn't enough. What could he do if it was never enough?
Still he smiled for John. He was feeling in a better mood. He did feel more energised. He did feel hungry. This would need to be enough for John. It was all he had to give.
They made it to the mess hall in silence. Thankfully a table was spare. John seemed pleased to see Rodney acting more himself. Rodney had half filled his plate. It was more than he had eaten in days, it was still less than usual. Still Sheppard had learned one thing pretty quickly. You took what victories you could with the stubborn scientist. If you tried to force Rodney into any action, you would only get a wall of silence. This could last weeks if it was bad enough.
Sheppard looked up when he saw Sam and Daniel approaching. He grinned, signalling that it was fine to join their table. Thankfully no one mentioned last night. It was better to look forward. Not remind the proud scientist of his embarrassing 'failing'.
It wasn't tense or even unpleasant. Daniel made jokes and Rodney laughed. Sam talked about some new artefact until even Daniel looked confused. Rodney looked thoroughly engaged however. Sheppard relaxed, some of his worry now gone. Even Sam looked less worried.
He had believe Rodney was getting better, that this was Rodney getting better. He didn't want to face any other option...he couldn't. It would kill him. Perhaps literally.
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They all went off to their assigned duties for the day. Sheppard was heading to a briefing on his next mission when Carson stopped him.
"How is the lad? I heard he was in quite the state." the friendly doctor asked. His tone may have been almost jolly but John didn't miss the worried look in his eyes. John relaxed some of his mask, showing some of his worry for his friend. Though SGC personnel would not be able to tell. Carson could read the Atlantis crew like a book, even before he had their trust.
"He seems better now. I guess...I mean his eating and smiling, even laughing. Hopefully that's a good sign." Sheppard commented in a deceptively calm tone. "He must be improving" he said with so much false hope it was painful for Carson to hear.
"Maybe. I'll speak to him later." Carson said warily. Carson knew better than to lie. John cared for Rodney like a brother. Pretending everything was okay would only frustrate John. Truth was better than lies, even the pathetic half truth Carson was offering now was better.
John frowned. He barely stopped himself from growling, instead grabbing Carson's arm. The doctor looked surprised but merely gave him a probing look, used to an angry Sheppard in his infirmary. "Maybe?" John repeated not hiding his concern.
Carson looked nervous. "Sometimes right before a suicide, loved ones report that the victim acted fine. More than fine, happy even." he explained sounding clinically detached. John understood why. John didn't want to think of Rodney that way, Carson was his friend too. John felt a rush of anger at that thought...didn't Carson consider Rodney human? Worth his concern? Still logically John knew, that was exactly why Carson had to detach himself!
"You think his acting?" John asked harsher than he intended. John for his part, winced at the tone and gave the doctor an apologetic half smile.
Carson sighed, understanding perfectly. "With that lad you never know" he simply replied, offering as much truth as he could. He smiled reassuringly, "I'll speak to him later. Don't fret." he assured.
John nodded stiffly and let go of Carson's arm. John pushed down the guilt at the bruise left behind, he hadn't meant to hurt anyone in his anger.
Carson gave him a smile. I understand you were angry and I don't hold it against you.
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Carson was on his way to the infirmary when he ran into someone else. Daniel. The archaeologist was carrying a very old looking book under his arm (seriously old- like bound in material with the spine barely holding on). He was frowning. He was thinking. As if trying to assess something he had little data on...looking miles away, only blinking into awareness after colliding with Carson. Carson watched with a half smile as Daniel inspected the book, looking relieved at the lack of damage.
"You alright, Lad?" Carson asked kindly.
Daniels head shot up, only just realising the reason for the fall. "Books fine. Ah...you?" he asked somewhat awkwardly.
Carson shook his head. "I wasn't asking the book." he said with an amused smile.
Daniel merely gave him an odd look.
"Dr Carson Beckett, Atlantis...formerly Atlantis" he introduced himself. He ignored the pang of loneliness at the idea of being "formerly Atlantis". It was wrong. So very wrong.
"Dr Daniel Jackson, not the medical kind, I uh study cultures and translate." he said stiffly, as if not used to introducing himself.
"Well I'm helping your Janet, fine doctor she is. Until Stargate Command sends me elsewhere, or just gets rid of me..." he said shrugging.
"I doubt they would do that, you have worked in another galaxy! If your not qualified to patch us up, who is?" Daniel replied easily, so very confident.
"Aye" Carson agreed. "I wanted to find you anyway, I wanted to ask you something, privately." he asked .
Daniel nodded, leading the way.
The office was messy, almost every surface covered in books and papers, notes strewn everywhere. Only his artefacts were carefully stored and cared for, not even dusty. Currently a stone tablet was on his desk, Ancient writing on it. Carson could make out most of it. Most of the Atlantis crew could, some could even read Wraith.
"You want to know about Rodney?" Daniel asked suddenly, his sharp eyes trained on the doctor.
Carson was surprised but quickly got down to business. "Yes" he confirmed grimly.
"Then you know how smart he is, that you should not underestimate him or consider the problem from only one view." Daniel offered.
"Aye, though if he wants to do something, not even a shipful of wraith could stop him" Carson commented, joking grimly.
Daniel nodded. "You need to act quick then" he simply said in a worried voice.
"Did he say something to you?" Carson asked, praying this was all nothing.
"We both know its what isn't said thats the most important. He said he feels Atlantis as deeply as a loss of someone that mattered. She is rumoured to be at least partially sentient after all. What he didn't say is that he feels Atlantis is his home and family." Daniel assessed.
Carson nodded. "Aye. Thats true. How can we tell apart his grief from his depression?" he asked, mostly to himself.
Daniel shook his head. "Your missing something. He is not as simple as that. You must ask instead: why does he consider Atlantis his home? What does family mean to him?" he corrected.
"Well we can't have all the answers!" Carson said frustratedly. "Atlantis has people who accepted him for who he is, without changing his difficult nature by force. He became a better person on his own. As for family, he doesn't talk much about them. Never sends messages or celebrates them like us. Apart from his sister but he was estranged from her for years. He talk to John more than anyone else. Radek too." he spoke thinking.
"No wonder his upset, his losing the one place that accepts him. Do you really think the SGA keeps him around for his wonderful personality?" Daniel asked sarcastically.
Carson glared. "You don't know him. Get past that 'wonderful personality' and you see a caring, kind man who wants nothing more than his friends safe, at any cost." he snapped.
"Exactly. Imagine how it feels for him to have to return back to that?" Daniel asked softly. "What does he have now?"
"He has his family. We may be further apart but we are still his family!" exclaimed Carson.
"Of course, though 'further apart' could mean across the world by now. Or across the galaxy." reasoned Daniel.
"Yeah" Carson said in a soft resigned tone.
"You haven't asked me if I think he would actually do it. Actually kill himself." Daniel spoke, almost unable to finish his words.
Carson looked up "We both know why. We both know he would, now more than ever. I am preparing myself to" he paused, looking away painfully. "I know I may see his body. I know I maybe saving him" he paused again, longer this time. Daniel had his soft blue eyes locked with Carson's own. "I may be too late. I may have…" this time Carson forced the words out "lost him". He spoke with a strength he didn't feel, but also with an unquestionable certainty.
Daniel always seemed to know what to say in this type of situation, a strong contrast to his usual lack of social graces. "Then lets visit him" he said with an unquestionable certainty. He would offer his strength to Carson and Carson would offer his medical knowledge and the confidence that afforded him.
Carson, who hated taking orders, found himself agreeing. Following this command. He quickly contacted John, who informed him that Rodney was no where to be found. Cold settled in his stomach...he found the current address of Rodney… every fibre of his being was telling him to run. To get to Rodney. Every beat of his heart urged him forward in a strange beat, his worried thoughts providing the lyrics to this tune.
AN: R and R. I'll leave you with this evil cliffy...