Cody's eyes glazed over and he stared at nothing, thinking back to a time when he was innocent, and didn't know about death, or pain, or real sadness that cut like a knife through his heart. Then he began to speak.
"I'll tell you why it was my fault," he said again, drawing his knees even closer to his chest.
"I was coming home from school one day. It was a nice, normal day. I wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary. Well, when I was about maybe two blocks away from the Tipton, I saw a pack of cigarettes on the side of the road. There was one left in it."
Cody shuddered and closed his eyes. "I stopped and picked it up. I don't know why I did it. I never wanted to smoke before in my life. But something about it made me think. I mean, I know a lot of people smoke cigarettes. So I figured, hey, maybe I'm missing out. So, I shoved the cigarette into my pocket and just went on home. I kind of forgot about it."
A/N: I do not smoke, and I am not fond of it at all. Too many people die from it. Just clearing that up. Also, in a couple paragraphs, it says that Zack and Cody had separate rooms. Let's assume for the sake of this story that they did have separate rooms when this story took place.
Cody took a deep breath and laid his head down on his knees. "Then, after supper, my mom was going to be singing in the ballroom," he mumbled. "She sent Zack and I to go change into something more presentable. So I was changing my jeans and I felt the cigarette."
Cody stopped, and looked up. His eyes were glistening with unshed tears. He stared into the corner of the room for such a long time that finally, the doctor had to prod him gently.
"Come on, Cody. You can do this. Get it all out."
"Well, Zack's lighter was on top of my dresser. Zack recently started carrying a lighter, though he didn't smoke. He just liked the lighter. Anyway, he must have left it in my room by accident. So I took it and lit that damn cigarette. Then, I felt really bad. I know that smoking is bad for you. I've heard soooo many lectures on why you shouldn't do it. So I went to my door to throw it out."
Cody sighed. "Then, I heard Mom coming. I knew she would freak if she caught me standing there with a cigarette, so I panicked. I did the stupidest thing in the history of the world. I threw it on the floor in my room. I stamped on it. I thought it was out! But, I guess I was wrong."
Cody stopped talking. He stared at the psychiatrist intently. "So, what do you think, doc?" he asked woodenly.
The psychiatrist was flabbergasted. He didn't know what to say. So he scratched his head and stammered, "Well. Um... well."
"Do I have to spell it out for you?" asked Cody. "Don't you get it? I lit the fire that burned down the Tipton! I am the cause of a whole bunch of deaths! My family, my friends ... everyone. God, I freaking hate myself. I wish I was dead!"
The psychiatrist had reclaimed his cool. "Calm down, Cody. It was an accident. You didn't do it on purpose. Do you ... do you want to tell me what happened next?"
"Well, why the hell not," muttered Cody to himself. "Might as well give you all the gory details."
"Okay, so we're going to the show. We're sitting there watching Mom singing. Zack, Maddie, London, Arwin, Esteban, Mr. Moseby, and I were all sitting there together. That was when I smelled the smoke."
"I looked to the back of the room and saw smoke filling up the whole room. People began to scream. A lot of the people in the back ran out. But we were in front. It was so crowded in the back. People were getting trampled, trying to get out. Mom had stopped singing by this time, of course. She came over to stand by us."
"'We have to get out, you guys!'" My mom cried. She shoved Zack and I in front of her. We were all filing out. London, Arwin, and Mr. Moseby were in front of us. Suddenly, I heard Zack cry out. I turned around. Maddie had tripped over a chair that had fallen over, and she was holding her ankle and crying. Zack, Mom, Esteban, and I ran back to her. Mom and Esteban helped her up. She couldn't walk; I think her ankle was broken. So Esteban had to support her. Mom was busy trying to make sure that Zack and I were okay."
"Mom was hustling Zack and I ahead of her, when we saw a horrible sight. London, Arwin, and Mr. Moseby were on the floor. We tried to wake them up, but they wouldn't. We started to cry. We turned around to see if Esteban and Maddie were still there, but they weren't. We didn't know where they were."
Cody was crying at this point. He didn't know how much more recollection of that night that he could take. "Mom said that she was going back to look for them. She told us to keep going. But Zack, he was head over heels in love with Maddie. He followed Mom back. And I wasn't about to leave without them. So we all went back. By this time, the smoke was really thick, and the flames were really hot. We were so scared. Zack and I were holding onto each other."
"Then we saw Esteban and Maddie. Esteban was holding Maddie up; she was unconscious. They were surrounded by flames. Mom tried to get them, but ... but she couldn't," sobbed Cody. "She fainted then. So did Esteban. I think it was from breathing in smoke, or the intensity of the heat, or something. Zack and I, we tried to get Mom up. But she wouldn't move and she was too heavy for us to carry her. And Zack and I couldn't reach Esteban or Maddie because of the flames. So we started to go back to the door. We were sobbing at this point, and Zack and I were clinging on to each other, because we knew that we were all each other had."
Cody stopped. He rocked himself back and forth, sobbing because of what was yet to come. "I can't do this," he said over and over. "I can't, I can't, I can't."
The doctor sat next to him on the floor. He laid a comforting hand on Cody's shoulder. "Yes, you can. You can get through this. Be strong."
Cody looked at the doctor through his tears. "Zack was always the strong one," he managed to say before bursting into a batch of fresh tears.
The psychiatrist rubbed his back soothingly, until Cody felt like he could go on. He sniffed and continued his story.
"Zack and I were almost to the door. We went through and we were in a dark hallway. It was only lit by the light of the fire. The fire was quickly spreading through the entire hall. We were running, and Zack fell. I stopped and turned around, and the fire had separated us." Cody's voice was shaking now. "Th - there was was a bi - big space between us now. I re - reached out to him, but he couldn't get my hand. Then he s - screamed as the flames reached him. T - tears were streaming down his face. He was hurting, and I knew that because he was my twin. What he felt, I felt. And then, he was g - gone. He slumped to the floor, and I felt like a part of my soul had died. I had lost him. I was crying, and screaming, and g - gasping for air because of all the smoke, and I probably would have died myself if some guy hadn't found me there, and grabbed me."
Cody stared straight ahead. "I wish I would have died that night too. I wish that Zack was the one who survived. Him and Mom and Maddie and everyone else. They were all innocent. I am not."