Discliamer- I OWN NOTHING!

Van Helsing News at……….Fuck! Whats the time?

V.H.- Hello and welcome to Van Helsing news at……Hell anyone got a watch?

Random news guy- No Dracula took them all!

V.H.- What? WHY!

Random news guy-No clue. He ran out of here shouting something about muffins!

V.H.- I will never understand that guy. So uh lets go to the weather Hugh Jackman! Hugh?

Hugh- Thank you Van.

V.H.- Uh it's Gabriel.

Hugh-What ever! Today is a beautiful Australian day to go fly Australian kites above the Australian trees!

V.H.- Thank you know for a special report from our new reporter Jack Sparrow.

Jack-Thank you.

V.H.- But first a commercial break.

Jack- What? Hey!

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Erik- Hi I am Erik or if you may The Phantom of The Opera and my mother sold me off to the circus where I got laughed at by hundreds of people everyday and beaten for laughs then I got exposed to the only women I ever loved who got scared because she saw my hideousness then I got deliberately disobeyed by a pair of gay managers who for some odd reason like the singing dying cow over dear Christine then I got betrayed by my only friend then exposed to hundreds of people by my lover then to be left alone again in the dark because she teased me an then left me for an idiotic moron name Raoul De poophead! (takes breaths) but I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico……..wait I don't have a car.

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V.H.- Welcome back now we go to Jack for a special report. Jack?

Jack-Captain Jack thank you! Ello' mates this is Captain Jack Sparrow here reporting on the horrors of FanFictions! (shudder) Now listen here all of you little ones! Slashes between me and ANYBODY are wrong savy?

Erik- I hear you! Just the other day I stumbled upon the 'website' called FanFiction and I must say from the bottom of my heart…..NO MORE ERIK AND RAOUL PAIRINGS PLEASE! THEY KILL!

(The more you know)

Jack- Uh who are you?

Erik- A friend.

Jack- Right. Back to you Van!

V.H.- IT'S GABRIEAL! (breath) sorry now for a guest appearance Alucard from Hellsing.

Alucard- Hello.

(Whoa back up Alucards there?)

V.H.- Who are you?

(God)

V.H.-Really?

(No!)

Author jumps into story and latches on the Alucards leg.

Alucard- Uh?

V.H.- Well try to sort this out in the mean time here's a commercial.

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Jack- Hello viewers of the device known as the "Television" Do you need a little break from your problems that have nothing what so ever to do with me?

Shit Head- Why not?

Jack- Then go get some rum! Hurry now before it's gone!

Shit head- Why would the rum be gone?

Jack- Because the rum is always gone. (tear)

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V.H.- Hello and welcome back, when we left a strange woman had attached herself to our guests leg.

Alucard- And she is still attached to my leg!

V.H.- So were just gunna go ahead with the interview! Mmkay?

Alucard- Sure.

V.H.- So what's it like to be a vampire hunting down your own kind like a homicidal mad man?

Alucard- ……………….uh fun?

V.H.- MANIAC!

Alucard- Watch yourself Van!

V.H. - IT'S GABREIAL FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME!

Van and Alucard start breaking out the six pack of whoop ass! Jack grabbed the mic.

Jack- Um we are facing some minor difficulties please be patient while we work this out!