The climb down Gagazet was hard but relieved. Somehow the group was triggered to think they had saved some precious cargo that Yevon had them believing was disposable. It was a great weight off their shoulders to not have to watch JJ die. But as the winds of Gagazet smoothed and warmed into the gentle breezes of the Calm Lands, the group was faced with the new problem. How would they face Spira?

As far as the rules went, they were a failed pilgrimage, and JJ was a coward and perhaps even selfish and weak for giving up. A loose feeling of resentment bound itself around them all before they were down the slopes and into the grassy plains and by the time they could be seen returning by Rin's shop, the consensus was "fuck Spira, let the world save itself for once". The boys seemed rather pleased with the notion and began to laugh with the Al Bhed when they stopped at Rin's. The Al Bhed were feverous supporters of course, but for some reason… the laughing and even the logic could not wipe away the fear and the guilt JJ felt.

He sat isolated, on a spiral piece of warped earth. He ran his hands over the rock-like substance beside his hips, imagining the intense heat that must have caused the scars on these plains. War scars were littered over the Calm Lands, the only remaining memorabilia of the battles against Sin. This open and empty field (save for the last shop in civilization) made perfect for use of fighting Sin… the pre-ordained battle site of every summoner before him. Each one of them died here, each on of them saved the world… here.

Rubbing the petrified earth beneath him again JJ decided he didn't deserve to be here. Looking around… the sky was bright, vibrant even, the grasses were lively and fun, the wild chocobos and the few birds were… enlightening. As beautiful as they can be as seen through the eyes of one who just saw death. The sky was calm and the grass was playful in the mellow wind. The world seemed…cheerful. As if his departure from the world had already taken place and his calm was already settling over Spira. How much longer before they expected to hear news of his death and his heroic victory over Sin? He sighed and lowered his gaze, a lonely and sad feeling filling him. A loss that he wasn't also able to play a part in that eternal glory of beating Sin. What would the scars on the field from his battle have looked like, he wondered?

A familiar hand came around him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. JJ didn't look up as he felt the warm gaze from Drake as he sat down next to him. He had strayed from the group of guardian and Al Bhed brothers, celebrating JJ's 'survival'. For a time the two remained silent, JJ contemplating his continued existence, Drake respecting JJ's need to think.

"….You're not guilty," Drake murmured after a few minutes "you don't own them anything."

"But….I…I was supposed to….."

"Go to Zanarkand and defeat Sin, I know, I know. But you didn't."

JJ lowered his eyes, "I'm such a chicken…"

Drake leaned forward, grasping JJ's shoulders, piercing eyes calling JJ to them.

"Listen to me." Drake squeezed JJ's shoulders, his voice full of sincerity and maybe a hint of pain. "You are not a coward… You're the bravest man I know… What other man can be standing in the face of death and still hold a smile? And his head up proud? Who can tell a child straight in the eye that he'd keep her safe, smiling, even when he knew the implications of it?"

"That's just it Drakey… I lied… I never defeated Sin…I let Kali down…"

"You even remembered her name?…"

JJ nodded "Whatever."

Drake knelt down on the ground in front of JJ, leaning an elbow on one raised knee. "JJ, when you make a serious choice like that you're supposed to 'follow you're heart' and all that…. If you do no one can call you out on any of it…"

"I did follow my heart Drakey…" JJ sounded meek, Drake smiled, gently tugging JJ down on the ground with him. Running an affectionate hand across his cheek and through his hair. His eyes looked like he was falling in love all over again.

"You were very dedicated to protecting the world, you were the bravest I have seen baby, most guys I know would have run off screaming for their mommas. But not you…." he played with a stray lock of JJ's hair, smiling "…reminds me why I fell in love in the first place…"

JJ sat wide eyed for a moment before Drake pulled him close, nuzzling his face. He hadn't….said anything so…sweet… in a long time. He began to respond to Drake's touch, placing hands on the back of his head.

"I don't know what I was thinking Drake… I'm so s-"

"Don't… you have nothing to apologize for." Drake became very tense. "If….if you had…"

"Drake you don't have to-"

"No, I have to get this out…" Drake's eyes lost a lot of color and his gaze became distant, looking at something over JJ's shoulder. "If you had… chosen to keep going to Zanarkand, I would have accepted it."

"What? Drake."

"I promised you, I said that whatever you decided I would accept it…I may not have liked it… but I would have found a way to move on…. The only thing I didn't want to see was you dying for nothing at all…."

"And as I recall, that was what you labeled dying for Spira as…" Drake paused, obviously fumbling mentally on his words. JJ laughed as he tightened his grip on Drake, pulling him against him. "I understand Drakey…thanks for pulling me back…"

"I didn't really do anything…"

"I know… that's what did it……"

The two were silent as they pulled apart, staring into each others eyes. A thousand things were sent back and forth through that gaze… the kind of look that tells a man's whole life history, the kind of look that can shatter someone's world or build it up, the kind of look that can tell everything and nothing…

"…I love you." Drake's lips were on JJ's, a searing warmth telling JJ that this was the right choice….He closed his eyes and leaned into Drake. Could he have been able to accept missing his lips? …..Never. Drake was well worth the grief he'd get from the rest of the world. Well worth the odd glares he'd get when he turned up alive in Bevelle. Bevelle…. JJ thought suddenly of all the faces that would be seeing him there… all the faces he'd have to answer to…. All the eyes filled with remorse because he didn't finish his job… He could almost hear Drake's comment "Fuck 'em" but, somehow that wasn't exactly a settling thought….

But just as suddenly… his mind was filled with the image… bright eyes and long hair. A smile that could wrack any pain or fear he felt. Mischa…. Her face made him calm and excited as he remembered where he had requested they go first. Suddenly the fear he held of seeing the public's reaction melted away and he was left with just himself… himself and his emotions…his wants, needs, wishes…. Drake's needs…wants…. How long did he charge blindly forward not thinking of the repercussions? How far was going to have to go before he realized how much he was ripping the world he and Drake formed apart?

"Zanarkand" JJ thought dimly as he grimaced mournfully at the mountain peak in the distance. The great weight having lifted from his shoulders, JJ could now smile, he could now laugh… he could grin and tell Drake stupid jokes again. He wasn't on a death mission anymore….

"I'm free…." he leaned his head on Drake's shoulder "I'm free Drake…."

"Yeah…" JJ could feel Drake smile and held him tighter as Drake placed small kisses along his temple. "You're mine again babe….all mine again…"

"Hey you two…." Dee's voice startled the two out of their reverie.

"What Laytner?" Drake answered irritated, "You gonna tell us to get a room?"

"Well, yeah, there's one in there" Dee pointed a thumb over his shoulder at the complex behind him, where Ryo and Ted could be seen clearing things up with an Al Bhed character. "Go, have at it." Dee huffed and turned to catch up to Ryo, most likely to 'get a room' themselves, JJ sat still as Dee moved away, yelping softly when Drake nudged him.

"Well? Shall we?' his eyes were already growing dark. JJ smiled, feeling his eyes narrowing.

"You wanna? So soon? It's hardly even 4:00..." Drake chuckled

"I dunno if I can keep it under wraps much longer…"

JJ nodded with a dark smile as he led Drake into the inn. Remembering the place he laid just days before, fearing his approaching demise. Now he lay… in love, in warmth… in the arms of a strong and kind man who pulled him back… JJ wanted to cry…in joy this time….

The next day, a group of sated and somewhat rested man left the inn, smiling the whole way. The Al Bhed had been so overjoyed by JJ's returning from Zanarkand that they gave the group room and board for the night complementary. JJ had to be drug out by a somewhat groggy Drake, lest he spend the day giving his gratitude. They returned the thanks, wishing him well against the scorn of the rest of Spira. That's when it set in… as the group crossed the enormous plains of green on their way back to Bevelle. He really was going to face them wasn't he?…

JJ slowed his steps, coming to a halt, much like he did in the cave on Gagazet. Drake seemed to pick up and stopped almost verbatim with him. Immediately running a hand out across his back. JJ looked up at Drake, studying his features…his eyes… the way his lips moved when he talked…. Taking a breath he stepped forward, not looking back….

Let them come.

"I still can't believe you four left me to keep watch outside, especially since you all got to boogie the night away." Ted complained loudly as the group entered Macalania Forest. JJ and Ryo blushed lightly at the remark, Dee huffed at him.

"Well, maybe if you had anything in the way of attraction, you might have had someone to dance with yourself. Until then you still get to sit at the kiddy table at dinner okay?"

"Wha?? Dee you ass! Why ya gotta always be such a-"

"Why must you always use such horrible grammar?" JJ muttered under his breath as the two ignored him and continued arguing.

"Hey, at least their in good enough spirits to fight now…" Drake said lightly as they turned around a large tree trunk, knowing the path to Bevelle was close. The icy winds could be felt blowing from Macalania temple, JJ's old memories blew along with it, some renewing themselves, some seeming to blow away in the wind. He could almost feel the coldness of the chamber of the Fayth at Macalania. The sheltering yet foreboding voice of the Fayth, the icy chambers of the Cloister of trials…All his senses of the place came flooding back…yet his thoughts… his guilt, his feelings of responsibility, his feeling of being trapped were gone, drifting off in the wind… He was…free…

"Excuse me…" A gruff voice halted the pack, looking up JJ saw bronze and gold colored armor, a warrior monk. He must be guarding the entrance to Bevelle, was there… such a need? "I can't let you in here, the path to Bevelle is clos-"

"Closed??," Drake protested, "even to a summoner?"

The guard perked up at the words, "Summoner?…ah!" his face jerked in recognition, he bowed his head fervently and brushed to the side, "Sir….Summoner JJ…I… please go ahead…" he tried to discreetly brush away the sweat of stress as they passed, he obviously didn't meet more than the occasional wandering merchant or migrant. "But may I request…," he mumbled turning to face them as they headed past him. "why are you returning summoner? Shouldn't you be on your pilgrimage?"

Drake shot him an evil glare and the guard silenced "My…y apologies summoner…I should not have asked… do go on…" JJ paused, then quietly replied, jus loud enough for the guard to hear.

"I need… to speak with Maester Mica…." he lied as he steadily continued down the darkened road to the biggest city in Spira. Sunlight filtering through the forest leaves turned crystal blues and whites, lacing in between the leaves and branches and falling like moonlight over JJ's form. Drake stood back with the others watching his determined yet mellow stride, all four of them in unison remembering briefly when it was that they watched JJ trek down their end of the road…

Drake quickly nodded to the others and they followed after their once-was summoner. Hearing the bells of Bevelle temple chime and bellow, knowing the towers could be seen very soon. JJ looked through the patchwork skylight, wondering how soon it would be… until he could see Mischa's face…hear her laugh…it was all he wanted right now…. Her spirit could cure any emotional ailment, and JJ was coming to her with buckets of them.

The soft sounds of the forest combined with the calmness of Bevelle's outskirts provided the tiniest ambiance, a peaceful and serene sense of both calm and privacy. Their own sacred moment together before re-entering Bevelle. The bushes varied and withdrew, leaving carefully mapped out dirt paths. Dirt turned to gravel and gravel turned to stone, plants were tamed down, trees were cut, the land became more light and conservative rather than the rugged and overgrown look of the forest behind them. The delicate stone path lead between planes of flowers and grasses, creating a pleasant walk to the city limits. JJ drank in the memories of this place; dates with Drake… dates with Mischa… planning out his pilgrimage… coming out to his friends….He never thought he'd see this place again…

The group entered the city almost completely unnoticed. The poor townsfolk that bordered the outskirts of Bevelle were too busy swiping up the last crusts of bread or nearly rotten potatoes left on the market carts. A few people darted an eye at them, eyeing their , now ratted clothing, they moved on not wanting to acknowledge them. Their clothing, though worn out and ruined, still showed an obvious level of wealth. The group was at least from the High Rise, if not from High Bridge level of Bevelle.

JJ darted quickly between customers and migrant mothers as he took the well known pathway to the upper levels, to where he and his guardians lived. His men following closely behind him, all could feel the envious and steely eyes on their backs as they left the common area. Traveling through the by-ways JJ started to recognize expressions of people…startled shock on some…quiet whispers from others… all discreetly aimed away from the group. Wives and elderly ladies gossiping quickly as they darted their eyes about the group of men. JJ felt judged, he felt like a failure,… but most of all… he felt like a failure… like he wasn't supposed to be alive anymore… the only thing these people wanted of him now was his body. That would be the symbol that their Calm had come…

He felt guilty and hid his face as he trudged farther down the familiar streets to his house. The darkness was rolling in as the sun set, the sky flaring in one last blast of beautiful orange light. The same color as the sun in….Zanarkand….where… he was supposed to be. The gazes he was getting… like a disappointed parent, each passerby simply looked at him. A few had the bravery to say "oh…. Summoner James…" a few only got to "Why are…" before they couldn't be bothered to face the truth in the eye. He had deserted them when they had counted on him the most. To be a good little summoner and die for the world like all the summoners before him did.

He felt sick inside… from the guilt but mostly from the anger. How could they be so supportive when he left and not anything on return? It was obvious that they expected him dead and his life only meant that he had betrayed them, therefore… he was not worth their time. He could only hold on to Drake's hand for dear life as they passed a crowd of strangers, all giving him sympathetic eyes, and then… the look. The look of a starving child, or of a dying mother. The look of the pitiful begging for mercy. How could JJ have… abandoned that? Squeezing Drake's hand he kept his mental eye on what he knew was the truth. He wasn't abandoning anyone, and that was why he was here.

The group arrived in front of an intricate and stately building on an empty street. The house was on one of the higher ends of the High Rise, overlooking the sea. The sunset washed over it, making the colors in the window rush out, dancing among the other colored light. JJ stood firmly, staring at the spectacle, Drake tugged his hand.

"They'll understand eventually…" the blunette shook his head

"It's not for them to understand… but it still…"

"I know…"

Dee stepped forward, parting the two men.

"Well, if you two are going in then…"

As if in response, the door to the house opened with a light creak, all five men looked up with a start. A head popped out, inquisitive face and bright features. JJ almost cried at the sight. Mischa came running outside as she saw who was at the door.

"Daddy!"