And when she's walking She'll say I'm not so tough
She's looking so fine
And when she's talking
She'll say that she's mine
Just because
I'm in love
With and uptown girl
She's been living in her white bread world
As long as anyone with hot blood can
And now she's looking for a downtown man
That's what I am
"Edward, darling, come here and let me fix your tie." Mama said, softly. Charlie and Hella were coming over tonight. I know it wasn't right to reference Bella with the devil, but I was mortified about the other night. Wasn't all this considered incest or something?
"My tie is fine, Mama." I answered, warily. I had re-done it at least six times. It looked perfect. But then again, I was an incompetent loser, so what did I know?
"Ding Dong, the wicked witch is dead!" I heard a voice sing from the doorway. Mama and I both turned to see Bella, dressed very colorfully. She was in a blue schemed tye dye dress with her red high tops and orange leggings. The only thing normal was the nearly dull gray sweater she had on. Except for the fact that she had a squirrel charm hanging from it.
"Sorry, she has no manners." Charlie huffed as he walked in, rolling his eyes.
"Oh, hush," Bella shushed him. "Eddie, Little Eddie- Medium Bella needs a word."
I blanched. "That's alright; I'd rather just stay here." But of course, Mama had to but in.
"Eddie, if Bella wants to bond with her brother, she should be given the chance." Mama grinned, loving that Bella wanted to actually speak with me.
"Yeah, Eddie. Bond with me." Bella smiled, smugly. She grabbed the collar of my shirt and practically dragged me into one of the rather large bathrooms on the first floor. She locked the door with a click and I gulped. She turned to me, rolling her eyes.
"Oh, please," She snorted. "If I were going to murder you, I'd get a better accomplice than dear old Dad out there."
"I believe that." I muttered, looking away.
"Hey, Child of Opression," She hissed, snapping her fingers near my face. "Cut the shit. I don't care what about what happened the other night."
My jaw fell a slack. She pushed it back up with her index finger. "I didn't embarrass you?"
"Embarrass me? We had a good laugh, but naw. I'm good." She chuckled.
"Well, you certainly embarrassed me." I pointed out, sullenly.
"Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it." She sighed. "And it's cool."
"What's cool?" I asked, finally looking up.
"It's cool that you're gay." She shrugged. If I had been drinking, I would have spit it out all over her.
"I'm not gay!" I gasped.
"Then why did you shoot up for Ricky Ricardo the other day?" She demanded, raising an eyebrow.
I blushed ten different shades of red. "That, uh, wasn't for, um, Ricky."
She took a minute to process this. Then after a moment of awkward silence, she snickered. "I gave you a hard on? Dude, isn't that, like, illegal?"
I was burning up as I rushed out of the powder room and into the kitchen where Mama and Charlie were having a glass of wine.
"Oh, darling," Mama cooed, a little liquored up already. "What did Bella have to say?"
"Nothing, Mama." I murmured, going to pour myself some milk. We were having Mexican tonight, as per Charlie's request and I needed something to stop the burning in my mouth. Not to mention the burning in my cheeks. Bella strolled in a moment later, looking incredibly satisfied.
"Well, well, well," She chuckled, picking up Charlie's glass and taking a sip before Mama could object. "If it isn't the Dream Team. Are you guys even allowed to drink?"
"I am not drunk, Bee Marie." Charlie sighed. "I'm buzzed. Hardly. You've seen me drunk. In fact, I've seen you drunk!"
"Ah, yes, my Coyote Ugly days." Bella sighed, happily, taking another sip. "Got any beer?"
"Yeah, its waiting for you at your twenty first birthday." Charlie told her, taking his glass back.
"Where's the easy button when you need it?" Bella muttered, trudging off into the dining room. Everyone followed. All the food was laid out perfectly on the table, Mama had spent hours on it. We had cleaning ladies that came in every week, but Mama liked to do everything else by herself. Well, with my help of course. Not that I was much help.
"This looks delicious." Mama smiled, even though she grimaced. "Very exotic."
"Way to compliment yourself." Bella muttered. Charlie elbowed her. Bella made a face at him.
"Chipotle is way better." Bella mumbled, taking a big bite of her burrito. Before long, Charlie and Bella had thee helpings of all the rice and taco's, and whatever else was in their reach. Mama brought out churro's after they scarfed down all the food.
"That was great, Lizard." Charlie grinned, leaning back.
"Yeah, it was okay, slimy reptile." Bella agreed, slapping Charlie's stomach. He winced, and tugged at a lock of her hair, playfully. She hissed and then proceeded to stick her finger in her mouth and stick it in her Father's ear. Before they could do anything else to one another, Mama cut it.
"Well, this has been a lovely dinner." She smiled, fakely. She glanced at Charlie and smiled more genuinely. We escorted them to the door, politely. Mama kissed Charlie, deeply as she could with us in the room and then tried to give Bella an awkward hug. Bella, jumping back, threw her hand in the air, searching for a high five. Mama complied, clumsily. Bella made a 'Cha-Ching' noise and then proceeded to dance out the front door, like a spaz. She was so incredibly random, and energetic. It was like the energizer bunny, the Easter bunny, and a fucking bunny all wrapped up into one. Pardon my crude language.
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"No!" I moaned, plopping down on a box. Today was the day. Charlie and Elizabeth decided it would just be fabulous if we had a little family bonding time before the wedding. Fuck me on a fucking monkey. That was bull, and Charlie knew it. He just wanted a little more cuddly time with his slimy reptile, before she could make him sleep on the couch.
"Pick up the pace. The tortoise may have won that one race, but it was only because the hare was a cocky little bitch." Max ranted.
"And we ain't cocky bitches, so move it!" Winnie huffed. Him and Max were carrying our la-Z-boy out to the moving van Elizabeth insisted we needed. I was moving my boxes of clothes. We'd moved so many times, that clothes were really the only thing I held on to. Mix and match was my motto.
"Bee, a little help here?" Ricky sighed. I turned around. He was carrying my night table and couldn't open the door. I flung it open and lifted up my second box of clothes, carrying that out to the moving van. I was actually kind of glad we had the van. It was pouring and I didn't want my clothes getting all wet in the bed of our truck.
We carried the rest of the stuff out there. Well, Win and Max both fell down after carrying the la-Z-boy down like big pansy assed bitches. Dad was standing on the stoop of the building, sipping a cup of coffee from the Tiny Tim gas station down the street. Billy was standing there with him, patting him on the back. Dad and Billy were friends, they hung out whenever I wasn't home. Dad didn't have very many friends in the area, so me and him always hung out. Billy's wife died about five years ago, and Jake and Billy haven't really talked to each other since then. Jacob just comes and goes as he pleases, and Billy just....waits for him.
"Bye, Billy! I'll miss you so much!" I wailed, pretending to sob.
"Save it, Bella. I'll miss you too." He smiled, rolling his aged eyes. He hugged me, gently. I wasn't a touchy feely person, so hugs were rare for me.
"Take care of yourself. And that gang banger you call a son!" I ordered, pulling away kind of quickly.
"Alright, alright. If you promise to look after this joker," He grinned, pointing at Charlie. "And not kill anyone for at least a week."
"You got it. Oh, I'll miss my days in limbo." I sighed, looking around dramatically.
"Let's get out of this pity party." Max mumbled, climbing in the moving van. Winnie was driving and Max and Ricky were hanging out in the back with our crap.
"See yeah, old man!" I called, running out into the rain. Charlie waved goodbye and followed me, climbing in the driver's side, quickly.
"Remember us little people!" He yelled back, waving as we pulled out of the lot and followed the guys uptown to our new place of residence. I've been practicing saying stuffy things like that so Normal Sized Eddie will know what I'm talking about sometimes.
We drove in silence for a few minutes, until Dad started being an annoying fuck and singing along to the staticy radio.
"She wears tee shirts, I wear short skirts-"
"One, that doesn't surprise me and two, those aren't the words, dumbass." I groaned, rolling my eyes.
"I'm cheer captain and she's on the bleachers!" He belted out. I put my hood up and used the stringy things to tie it up so I looked like a bowling pin.
When Dad finally stopped stabbing my eardrums with a pitchfork, I started in on the questioning.
"Do they have a pool?" I asked.
"Yep." He answered.
"Do they have a swing set?" I asked.
"No." He answered.
"Can we get a swing set?" I asked.
"Why exactly?" Dad asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Because Rogerson Park is over the hills and through the woods, and I'm not riding my skateboard all the way across town to watch Ricky smoke on a swing, when I could do it at the house." I huffed.
"I don't think Lizzie wants you guys lighting up around the house." Dad told me, uneasily.
"Oh, she doesn't have to do it," I whined. "She shouldn't even care, it's not like I'm her daughter."
"Not biologically, no. But Lizzie would love to think of you as her daughter." Dad answered, seriously.
"Oh, fuck it, I already have a Mom." I muttered.
"Really?" Dad snorted.
"Well, unless you squeezed me out of your mangina, I'm gonna have to guess I have a female parent." I laughed.
"I wouldn't call her a parent." Dad sighed.
"Fine. A female that pushed me out of her vagina, screaming and bloody, and then proceeded to name me and leave." I tried, hoping for a smile.
"You got the leaving part right. And she did give you your middle name. It was her sister's name. And yes, she did push you out of her vagina, but it took two to get you there." He told me, smugly.
"Okay, is this some twisted version of the birds and the bees?" I demanded, huffing.
"No, but it took your mind off moving. Oh, and look at that, we're here." He said, cheerfully. He pulled up into the perfectly paved driveway, where Elizabeth was waiting there, happy as a clam. But, I never got that saying. Are clams happy creatures? Are they any happier than any other thing under the sea? I mean, they just sit there. But, I guess I'd like to sit on my ass all day too.
"Hello, hello!" She sang, skipping over to us.
"Howdy, Lizzie." Dad grinned, pecking her on the cheek.
"Oh, darling, I've been missing you so much!" She told him, sing song like. Ugh. Like, gag me with a spoon. Valley Girl has come out to play.
"Oh, Bella, I missed you too!" Elizabeth added, coming over to hug me. "Isn't this just so much fun? Oh, another girl in the house! I could just die!"
"Go ahead." I snapped, pulling away from her, roughly. I stormed over to Maxi and Winnie, who were unloading the truck. Ricky was getting my boxes out of the pickup.
"That was cold, Bee Bear." Winnie said, sadly.
"Cold as ice." Maxi agreed, pretending to shiver, running his hands up his arms.
"Christ on a cracker, you jerk offs! I wasn't that mean." I groaned.
"Bella, you basically told her to suck your left nut!" Max exclaimed. I stared at him, raising an eyebrow. "Well, it's not like you have nuts or anything. Fine, okay, you practically told her to suck your left tit!"
"Is my left bigger than my right?" I asked, innocently, grabbing it.
"Yeah, you lopsided ho." Max answered, pulling an end of the La-Z-boy out of the truck.
"I don't think your lopsided, Bee." Winnie said, sweetly. He then squinted. "Well...."
"Shut your hole!" I said, outraged.
"Which one?" Max asked.
I gave him the finger as I walked back over to Elizabeth and Dad. Elizabeth was eyeing Ricky as he made his way into the house. Oh, sure. Make shady eyes at my pal. She doesn't know anything.
"So, where's the red headed step child?" I asked, cheerfully as I could.
"Oh, he's at the library studying. He should be home any minute." Elizabeth smiled, always in the mood to talk about her wuss. Almost like clockwork, Red Headed Step Child pulled up in his geek squad Volvo and ducked his head. Aha. Red didn't know we'd be here so soon.
"Well, I guess he picked this minute." I heard Ricky murmur, scaring Elizabeth. She didn't know he was behind her. Ricky smiled, softly and Elizabeth shakily returned it.
"Eddie, darling! Welcome home, sugar bear." Elizabeth cooed. Whoa. Baby, much? Was he wearing a diaper?
"Hello, Mama." Edward mumbled, embarrassed she was cooing him around us.
"Eddie, sweetie, why don't you go show Bella her room? I'm sure she'd love a tour." Elizabeth suggested, happily. I rolled my eyes.
"Lead the way, Red." I sighed, making my way into the massive house. The guys shrugged and followed, Winnie pulling Edweirdo along with him. Max whistled as soon as we walked in.
"Cribs, here we come." He chuckled, looking around. "What's this place worth?"
"More than you'll ever make." I snorted.
"Hey, you never know. I might just up my brother a few and inherit the family farm." Max said, proudly.
"Dude, I could sell my jeans and buy your farm." I scoffed. Max muttered something, and stomped up the bad ass marble staircase. The outside of the house was incredibly pretty....in the sun. It was rainy and gross right now. They had a large garden out front and I'm guessing its pretty great in the summer. But right now, not so much. The house had a more simple exterior, but the inside was massive.
"Alright, well, um, this way, I suppose." Edward told me, stuttering. He lead me up the stairs, while the guys went off and checked things out themselves. Last I heard, Max was in a bathtub, calling for Winnie and Ricky to come see that 'totally awesome piece of fuck'.
"This is the bathroom," Edward announced, opening a door. "Here's my Mother's sitting room."
"Your Ma has a sitting room?" I demanded. "How many rooms are there?"
"Fourteen, I believe, if you count the bathrooms." He answered shyly.
"So they headed up the truck and they moved to Beverly." I sang, quietly.
"Hills, that is." I heard, in a small voice next to me. Edward was looking at the floor.
"I didn't know that The Trump family watched The Beverly Hillbillies." I snickered.
"We're not quite as rich as the Trumps, but yes, I used to watch re-runs when I was younger." He responded, running a hand through his un greased hair.
"Same here. Dad and I used to stay up late and watch them." I told him, heading up the other stairs. "How many floors?"
"Four." He told me, softly. Ugh. I was going to go insane trying to understand his mumbles.
"Speak up there, Red. I ain't no mind reader." I ordered, glancing in a few rooms.
"Sorry." He apologized, blushing. "You're room is on the fourth floor, if you'd like to see it."
"That would be my intention." I nodded, dancing up the stairs. He followed me, slowly. "Whoa, don't go so fast there, Ricky Bobby."
"Sorry." He blushed harder this time, speeding up. We were at the fourth floor in no time at all, and Eddie Boy lead me to a door at the end of the hall.
"Am I being out casted?" I demanded, stopping in front of the door.
"No, o-o-of course not. Mama just thought you'd be more comfortable on a more...private floor." He answered, nervously.
"I have been voted off the island." I sighed. "What else is up here in the Trump Tower?"
"A bathroom, an extra bedroom, my study....my bedroom." He told me, almost inaudibly.
"Hmm." I pondered, out loud. "That could be a problem."
"Oh. Why?" He asked, hesitantly.
"Are you a rat?" I demanded. "Or, better yet, a tattletale?"
"No, not really." He stammered.
"Will you tell when I sneak out?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Not if you don't want me to." He answered, after a moment.
"Will you cover for me?" I tried again.
"To the best of my abilities." He responded, nodding his head, slightly.
"Let's say I'm feeling a little bit, oh, I don't know.....saucy. Will you go down on me?" I smiled, teasing him. He turned bright red and stammered under his breath.
"I, well, erm, I don't know, um, maybe, if, well-" He stuttered, clearly searching for a rescue.
"Relax, Red. Messing with you. Better get used to it." I warned him.
"A-alright." He mumbled, turning his head. Impulsively, I grabbed his chin, and pulled him to look at me.
"Quit mumbling. I can't understand a word your saying." I said, gently. "Besides. I'll want to be able to hear you when your sexing me up."
He looked trapped. I winked, and then snickered at his wide eyes.
"Rule number one- Learn to take a joke. I make a lot of them." I sighed, smiling slightly.
"I'll try." He nodded, letting out a small sigh of relief.
"If at first you don't succeed." I murmured, opening my bedroom door.
"Try, try again." I heard behind me. I grinned. Red might not be as bad as I thought.
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I always love reviews! Reviews make me smile. Reviews make me happy. Please review. It'll make me happy. And smiley. And better yet, it'll make me want to update sooner.That was a bit creepy, wasn't it? Anyway, the song at the top was Uptown Girl by Bily Joel. Just giving you a little snippet of Charlie and Elizabeth. I thought that song fit them well.
Review!