Star: Hello, peeps!

Faith: Hiya!

Star: Read my chappie! Faith had her own, it's my turn! ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHA!

Faith: Um...Star? You need to take this a little less serious.

Star: (cocks eyebrow at Faith)

Both: (bursts into laughter)

Faith: Take...less...seriously...(tries not to laugh more)

Star: Oh, that was priceless (glares at readers) What are you doing? READ!

"And welcome back to the Torture Graystripe episode! I'm your host, Brambleclaw-" The handsome tabby was once more interrupted by his crazed fan-she-cats.

"WE LOVE YOU BRAMBLY-POO!"

He turned a shade darker under his fur as he gritted his teeth. "Brambley-poo?" The fan-she-cats nodded, big smiles on their faces. He shook his head, then smiled rather forcefully at the camera. "I would seriously enjoy setting Squirrelflight loose on them. But back to business, we are not here to torture my annoying fan-cats, we are here to torture Graystripe."

"Wow, wonder how the writers came up with that title." Littlecloud, who was manning-er, I guess it should be catting the camera, remarked with an eyeroll.

"Actually, Stormfur came up with it." Firestar, who had a front-and-center seat, called up to the stage innocently, causing Stormfur to glare at him.

Graystripe glared at his oldest son. "I can't believe you. My own son."

Stormfur shrugged. "I needed a good laugh. This seemed like the easiest – and safest – way to do it."

"Safest?" Brambleclaw arched an eyebrow.

"It was this, or make fun of Stoneteller's name. I mean, come on, Stoneteller? How retarded does that sound?"

"He has a point." Brambleclaw mused before returning to the subject at hand. "Ahem. Let's bring Hawkfrost out on stage, please." And so, the tabby was led out to where Brambleclaw was, in shock from the ordeal with Silverstream. "Would you like to know who the next she-cat will be, brother dearest?" Brambleclaw smirked.

"Uhh…" Was all Hawkfrost could meow.

"Glad to see you so excited! Now, will miss Millie please come out?"

And the pretty gray tabby came out. "Wow, she's really hot." Redtail's eyes became two large pink hearts, his tongue falling out of his mouth.

"Shut up, dude! That's just wrong!" Lionheart exclaimed, swatting him with a paw.

"Shh, you two, I'm trying to watch this!" Whitestorm snapped, munching at his popcorn.

Graystripe was focused in the camera, and he cut a hilarious figure. His amber eyes were bugged out, his jaw was on the ground, and his fur was on end as he screeched. "MILLIE?"

"Ah…Let's go to the oneshot, shall we?" Brambleclaw said desperately, as Graystripe lunged for both he and Hawkfrost with a wild caterwaul of rage, while Millie chanted.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

----------------------------------------------------------

Hawkfrost awoke with a start. He'd had a blood-chilling dream: Brambleclaw had killed him! When I see him again, oh the fur will fly, he growled to himself as he stretched, emerging from the warrior's den.

He was greeted by his clanmates and after returning their greetings, he sauntered out of the RiverClan camp, eager to clear his mind. A nice walk is just what I need, he remarked thoughtfully.

Then he caught a scent on the breeze. As he inhaled he knew it was an intruder, so he quickly went to settle the matter. Maybe it would even impress Leopardstar into making him deputy again. Sure, she would need to get rid of Mistyfoot, but no matter. He could do that easily.

He noticed how the stranger's scent grew stronger, so he ran now, eager to meet it.

He did not expect, however, to meet a pretty she-cat.

There she was, her silver tabby coat glistening in the sun, her warm blue eyes growing shiny as she realized she was lost. He thought she was the most beautiful she-cat he had ever seen.

The side of him that resembled his father, however, was seeing this as yet another opportunity. He stalked closer to her, careful to keep out of sight, downwind, so he could watch her for a moment. He could hear her talking to herself.

"That's the last time I take directions from Graystripe. Puh, I should have known he'd only want to get me lost."

"Well, consider yourself found." Hawkfrost decided to emerge from the shadows. "You're in RiverClan territory. You really shouldn't be here."

"I'm sorry." He could hear the sincerity in her voice. "I'll leave-"

"Did I say you had to go?"

"No…"

"I'm Hawkfrost."

"My name's Millie."

"So you're a kittypet?" He could hardly believe the beautiful silver she-cat was a kittypet.

"Not any longer." There was a sour note in her voice, so he decided to get off the subject.

"How'd you get here, then?" He sat down, curling his tail around his paws comfortably. She did the same before answering.

"I came with that stupid, flea-bitten excuse for a warrior, Graystripe. He told me he'd take me to the Clans, told me all kinds of stories, too stupid, mouse-brain…"

"So, are you looking for ThunderClan, then?"

"Well…No. Not anymore. That's where Graystripe was going and I don't ever want to see him again."

A sudden impulse struck him. "You could stay in RiverClan, if you'd like, perhaps."

She looked up at him, her blue eyes met his in a hopeful smile. "Really?" He nodded, a smile of his own in place. "Thank you, Hawkfrost." She moved closer to him, pressing her muzzle into his neck. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome." He could barely speak the words as he stood, leading Millie back to camp. You mouse-brain! He could already hear Tigerstar's yowling. You're growing soft. You should've gotten rid of her!

Eh, he thought to himself as his tabby shoulder touched Millie's silver gray one, Tigerstar can deal.

Right now, he was happy, walking to RiverClan with this she-cat.

Very happy.

-------------------------------------------

A black-gray tom was staring at the camera. "Uh…" Seemed to be the only word he could get out. Finally, a tortoiseshell she-cat pushed him out of the way.

"Ignore Crowfeather, he's tired. I'm Tawnypelt, Brambleclaw and Hawkfrost's sister, and due to difficulties, I shall be hosting the rest of this episode." The camera switched to a picture of Hawkfrost on a gurney, IV stand next to other various machinery that was hooked up to him. Brambleclaw was in a wheelchair, wrapped ear-to-tail-tip in bandages. Graystripe was leaning against a rock, crutches supporting him, while Millie stood beside him.

"As you can see," Tawnypelt continued. "The fight got out of paw, so to speak, and had to be taken care of." She smiled, not as white and shiny as Brambleclaw's. "Thank you for enjoying this episode of the Hawkfrost dating show. Please tune in next time to see more cats get tortured." She turned to glare at her brothers. "And it better not be me. It's bad enough you had to call me down here. I have kits to take care of, you know."

And with that, the screen went blank, and the credits went on the screen.

Brambleclaw – Himself

Hawkfrost – Himself

Graystripe – Himself

Silverstream – Herself

Stormfur – Himself

Millie – Herself

Crowfeather – Himself

Tawnypelt – Herself

Firestar – Himself

Director – Tigerstar

Producer – Tigerstar

Camera Cat – Littlecloud

Make-Up – Barkface

Clothing – Daisy

Writers – Stormfur

This has been a TigerClan production. No cats were harmed in the making of these oneshots. Well, except for Hawkfrost, Brambleclaw, and Graystripe. But they'll get better 'magically' before the next episode. Cotonuts does not own anything Warriors related. Though perhaps they may claim some of these mentally scarring pairings their sick and twisted imaginations have given them.

"Well, Tigerstar? How do you do it?" Whitestorm asked in awe.

Tigerstar shrugged. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you."

"But we're already dead, genious." Oakheart rolled his eyes.

"And you killed most of us." Lionheart and Redtail glared.

"Eh, doesn't matter to me." Tallstart shrugged and started changing the channels on the TV, leaving the others glaring at Tigerstar. "What else is on? Oh! Pokekat!"

"NOOOO!"