Disclaimer – I own nothing related to Twilight, it all belongs to Stephanie Meyer and company. Which is fine, I'll just take the actor who plays Jasper.
Endless love and thanks to everyone who has reviewed and/or added this to their favorites and alerts.
The biggest thank you in the world to my beta Sarah, who reminded me to write with passion and heart.
Jasper's POV
I felt… clean.
I couldn't think of a more appropriate word to describe the liberating feeling that had washed over me when I ran back to the old house. Not only had I somewhat come to terms with the fact that Alice did not want to be with me, but also with the fact that I did not kill Bella, and she wasn't mad at me whatsoever.
I didn't even remember having made the decision to actually go to her house; I was just suddenly there. I was lucky enough that I had hunted just before arriving. The animal blood in my system helped to keep me in control of the slight burn in my throat. However, I doubted that I would have wanted to attack her. I couldn't explain why exactly; maybe it was because I didn't have anyone else wanting to suck her dry around me.
I couldn't help but chuckle at remembering her wide range of emotions. At first it was a heavy sadness while she looked at the picture of her and Edward; the emotion was so strong that I couldn't help but say something. When I said her name the first time, she was full of self-doubt, her sadness growing so high that I could no longer take it, so I touched her shoulder. I tried my best not to laugh as shock and wonderment filled her while she stumbled around, failing to get her footing.
I hadn't meant to be that close to her, but her safety came before my own feelings, and I couldn't bring myself to regret it because of what happened just after. Bella had held me so closely, and I couldn't find it in me to burst the bubble that had formed around us. She was happy, content, and sad all at the same time. I had encountered millions of emotions of all different strengths and mixtures, but Bella's left me completely blank. I was unable to project anything. I could only guess that it was because, in that moment, my emotions were utterly attuned to hers.
I stopped breathing once her arms wrapped around me, not quite trusting myself. However, when I did inhale, her scent was exquisite. It hadn't been as overwhelming as I had expected it to be, even with her in such close proximity. She smelled of springtime in full bloom and cinnamon, a combination I would have never thought to be so intoxicating.
I continued to breathe in her scent, surprised when it didn't make me thirsty. She smelled familiar and comfortable, and I couldn't help but think of better days. Her scent made me feel as though I was back at home in Texas, reminding me of that much needed cool breeze on a hot summer's day.
It was odd, however, the feel of her slight frame pressed against me. She was warm, which was astonishingly pleasant, as well as soft; it something I was not used to.
Her tears had drenched a large section of my shirt, the smell both salty and sweet. I shamefully thought it was Edward that she was thinking of as she hugged me – imagining it was him rather than me. I spoke only to remind her it wasn't him her arms were wrapped around, and I felt an odd sense of relief coming from her, as though my voice was just what she needed to hear.
It was nice to feel so needed. Alice had always been so independent that she hadn't ever really needed me for anything. Even though I had never been around Bella for more than a few minutes at a time, I felt as if my presence was something that she needed in that moment.
I hadn't expected her to fall asleep, but it raised a feeling in me that I couldn't quite describe, knowing that she was comfortable and trusting enough to sleep in my arms. After having laid her in bed and maneuvered out of my sweater – she wouldn't let it go – I had started to walk away, but I felt her mood shift into worry and sadness.
I sat with her a little longer, sending out waves of calm until I was sure she would sleep through the night. Just as I was about to jump out of her window, I heard her sigh my name; it was barely audible to human ears, but I heard it loud and clear. I turned back one last time and saw her rolling onto her side, snuggling my sweater closer to her chest.
I wanted to wake her and talk more, but she needed her sleep, and I wasn't sure whether or not she'd even want see me again. I finally decided on just finding a piece of paper and a pen, quickly writing her out a note before leaving it on her pillow. I jumped out of the window and ran to the house.
It felt empty being in the big house all alone. It was a ridiculous observation, because it was quite obvious that the house was, indeed, empty, but it felt empty. It no longer held that homey feeling without Emmett's booming laughter or Esme scolding us when we wrestled too close to her antiques. I walked about the house for the next few hours, slowly weaving through all the furniture. With the exception of Esme's favorite table, everything else was still there, just as it had been before everyone left.
When I went upstairs, I took the most time in Carlisle's study, thinking about all the time spent talking of everything and nothing. My hand brushed over the back of the leather chairs, wondering what he would have told me, if he'd been there at that moment. I wondered if he would have told me I was doing right thing, going back to see Bella. I eventually left his office to conquer the next obstacle.
The last room I came to was the room that I had shared with Alice. I hadn't been in it since they had all left. I had gone that same night, and hadn't been back here since. Just a few days ago, I had been in some part of Austria, when I decided to run back. I was shocked to find myself at Bella's house, but I couldn't say that I stayed that way for long. Alice had been right about the searing guilt I felt, especially over the last few months.
At first, the guilt didn't feel nearly as horrible as the hurt that my wife – ex-wife – had caused me. She'd chosen to leave me in a moment that I had felt my lowest, which only added to that pain. I had looked for my family for a year – searching every nook and cranny, but I came up empty handed. It was then that the guilt had started to creep up on me.
It was like molasses; slow moving, but once it settled, it was thick and heavy and suffocating. But still, in the back of my mind, Alice's words in woods were there, taunting me.
"I'm happy with the life that we shared together, but it's time for it to be over."
"We've been together the normal human amount of time, and I know we'll be better off this way."
Sighing, I leaned my head against our bedroom door, closing my eyes and trying to push the images of her out of my mind. I had been telling myself that I hadn't missed the relationship, that I just missed my family. But I had been lying to myself. I truly did miss my wife.
Ex-wife.
That was going to take a long time to get used to.
Not only did I miss simply being able to touch her and hold her, but I also missed her little quirks. Even though I didn't feel as crushed as I had originally thought I would have been. In all fairness, I had gotten a bit obsessive, looking for her the way I did. But I had gotten quite a bit of frustration and anger I felt towards her out of my system. It had helped me let go of my failed relationship, leaving me with just an empty space within my heart. I still loved Alice, but it wasn't strong enough to want to be with her anymore. She had left me, and I just had to deal with that.
I had talked to the whole family, sans Edward, every few weeks, but I usually ended up talking to Carlisle and Esme instead of Alice. The few times that Alice and I had spoken, the conversation was easy and flowing, neither one of us talking about anything other than our everyday lives. Only once did she say that she saw me looking for her, but that I needed to let it go, because all I was doing was fueling my anger, which shocked me into silence.
She sighed on the other end of the line, made a quick, mumbled apology and then handed the phone off to Esme. That had been the last time I'd spoken to her, and it was after that conversation that I went to Austria, taking my time to really think things through.
Eventually Alice's word got to me, and I decided to go back to the only place I had ever really considered "home".
Being with Bella seemed to make the pain go away. It hadn't left completely, but it had eased some of the hurt. Perhaps it was because checking up on her had eased my guilt, making me feel lighter. I had only thought of Alice once in the entire time that I was with Bella, and that was only because Bella had said something about her. I couldn't quite understand why I'd felt so comfortable hugging her, but I was fairly sure that I had needed that hug just as much as she had. I opened my eyes, determined now, the thought of Bella giving me the strength to face my own demons head on.
Light flooded into the room as I opened the door, my jaw clenching as I took it in. A massive canopy bed stood in the middle of the room with white coverings and white pillows. I'd always hated that bed, so pointless and bright, not my style at all; but she hadn't cared about that. As I continued to look about the room, I realized that the ridiculously expensive oak dresser and three walk-in closets hadn't been my idea either. Actually, I hadn't picked out anything in the room. I had never been asked for my opinion; Alice had picked it out and set it up, telling me I'd get used to it.
All but one of the closets were empty. Alice had obviously taken her clothes, leaving mine behind. The one closet containing my clothing was another example of things that I hadn't ever actually liked; khakis that were too tight, polo shirts ranging in colors that I hated, dress shoes that were much to expensive for my liking. I hadn't lived in Texas for ages, but I was still a true southerner; I enjoyed wearing t-shirts, worn jeans, and a pair of old, comfortable boots. Of course there weren't many of those items in my wardrobe.
Staring at the clothes that I couldn't stand to wear, I decided that I'd have to go shopping. I figured I could actually purchase things that I liked for a change.
The more I moved around the impressively large room, the more I realized I had never really been part of a partnership. I supposed that a lot of that could be my fault, as I had went along with whatever Alice had said, because all I ever wanted was her happiness. The very thought made me wonder why she had never cared about my happiness. I couldn't deny that she had saved me from a life that still haunted me, but as the years went on, we were more like two separate people living lives together.
Thinking that caused anger, which had become a reoccurring emotion for me lately, to flare up. My fists clenched and my jaw tightened, but my thought process was interrupted by tires on the gravel.
Bella.
There was no mistaking the loud rumble of her truck, the slow movements of the tires turning on the sharp curves. She probably wasn't going over twenty miles an hour, and I couldn't help but smile. She was driving so slowly, cautious as always, yet she was headed towards the most dangerous type of creature.
In a flash, I stripped myself bare, just to dress myself in the only comfortable pair of jeans I owned, and a grey sweater similar to the one I had been wearing last night. I ran downstairs, sitting on the sofa closest the door, wondering if she'd bring back my sweater, when I heard her turn onto the long driveway. I could feel nervousness and hesitation from here, so I decided to go outside and sit on the porch to wait for her.
Bella made her way up the last stretch of the drive, slowly parking behind my black Mustang. Her nerves quickly took a back burner to the excitement now filling her. I grinned crookedly at her as she turned off the engine, her eyes meeting mine when she returned my smile.
I tried my best to contain the laughter bubbling in my throat as she stepped out of the truck, her appearance clearly telling me she took off without so much as a backwards glance after finding my note. Her hair was sticking up everywhere; her eyes were still slightly drooping with tiredness. I did, however have to admire the tight denim pants and the very attractive white tank top she was wearing, even if it was inside out. She had always been pretty, but for some reason today she looked outright beautiful.
I briefly wondered where the sudden attraction came from, but couldn't really come up with an answer. I pushed aside the immediate guilt I'd felt at that attraction. I was single, after all, right? I shook my head slightly, reminding myself that my brother had shattered her heart. Thinking of her in a way that was not completely platonic was just outright ridiculous. Extremely ridiculous. I banished that thought and focused back on Bella.
She had paused after closing the door to her truck, squinting against the brightness of the day in spite of the clouds. She stood looking at me, a faint smile still on her face. I made slow, deliberate steps towards her, my eyes locking onto hers. She walked towards me after a moment, her eyes dropping to watch her steps, meeting me halfway down the cobblestone path. We both stopped, only a foot of space between us.
A gasp left her as she looked up to meet my eyes again just as the sun peeked around the clouds, hitting the right side of my body. Her hand instantly reached out, and I held my breath, watching as it came closer to my face. She seemed to snap out of some kind of trance, looking embarrassed as she pulled her hand back, but I was having none of that.
With speed too quick for Bella to follow, I grabbed her hand. Curiosity seeped from her as I bent slightly, bringing my lips to her knuckles, inhaling her sweet, calming scent as I kissed her warm flesh.
"Good mornin'," I greeted quietly.
"Morning," she responded, her wide eyes still watching me.
"Would you like to come in?" I asked, always the gentleman.
She silently nodded, so I maneuvered our hands so our palms were together. I grasped her hand lightly and led her into the house.
A/N – Next chapter up sooner rather than later, I hope. Click the fancy little button and let me know what you thought! Thanks!