Dear Diary,
I have witnessed on several occasions the red and blue authority growl and swipe at each other to, I assume, display their strength and dominance. In my continued efforts to conform to this underground culture, I have tried to partake in this ritual multiple times. While the red authority has engaged with me, the authors have not. Apparently, my acceptance into their society is not in the foreseeable future.
XXX
Dear Diary,
The authorities have yet to understand that the proper way to ascend to the back of the couch is to jump into their laps, climb onto their shoulders, and then slowly step onto the cushions. Any other method is highly inappropriate. I can only hope that the will come to adopt this practice with time.
XXX
Dear Diary,
There is a curious device located in the bathroom. It appears to be nothing more than rolled tissue paper mounted on the wall next to the toilet. I pawed at it earlier today trying to discover its purpose, and the paper began to unwind. Intrigued and amused, I continued pawing until I was interrupted by the purple authority. Not only was I scolded, but I was shooed from the bathroom as well. Perhaps I am not meant to understand the paper roll.
XXX
Dear Diary,
The orange authority has apparently been stricken with a desire to learn the language of my people. I have been patient with his ludicrous meowing, even encouraging him by responding to his broken messages to help him learn. Today, however, my patience is at an end. Intentional or not, he insulted my mother. It will be a while before I speak with him again.
XXX
Dear Diary,
I am sorry to report that the red authority's human companion has returned once again. This human makes more noise than any other biped I have ever encountered. He is also a complete klutz – a bringer of destruction who has trod upon my tail one time too many. I had no intentions of spending the evening lurking in the rafters, but for my own well being I fear I must. May the night past swiftly.
XXX
Dear Diary,
For some cruel reason, the orange authority has tied a piece of ribbon around my neck in a giant bow. Clearly, he was not aware that this would greatly upset my balance. At present, I am laid out on my side on the cold stone floor, unable to rise to my feet until this ribbon is removed. The orange authority remains oblivious to my suffering. Cat goddess, please have mercy and rescue me.
XXX
Dear Diary,
I have once again cast myself in an ill light with the head authority. I now know that the little pieces of oddly shaped cardboard on the kitchen table that I was cleaning up are not garbage. They are, in fact, components of a giant picture that the head authority was trying to assemble. It is my opinion that he overreacted to this simple misunderstanding. Here I sit, staring at the kitchen door, waiting for my banishment period to end.
XXX
Dear Diary,
Today, I was helping the blue authority make his bed when I was suddenly trapped between a freshly laundered sheet and the mattress. Panicking, I began to run around in search for an exit, but found none. The blue authority was not pleased that he had to rescue me. I am allowed to help him no more.
XXX
Dear Diary,
I hear the orange authority speak often of obtaining another feline. Whether this feline is meant to be my replacement or my companion, I do not know. Either scenario is detestable. I do not do well with change. I pray that the orange authority will change his mind.